Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Blindsided by message

203 replies

Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 09:07

I had two amazing dates with a guy who is now working abroad in various countries for a few months. He left about three weeks ago and calls or texts me everyday. On the weekends more as he’ll often call me when he’s had a few to drink.

He plays his cards quite close to his as do I but earlier this week we talked about me flying over to meet, he detailed the dates and countries he’s going to be in and said if I let him know when I’m coming he’ll take time off work. He also said how well matched we are and that he feels he can be himself when he talks to me, that I’m ‘solid’, he knows he can trust me and he has no red flags about me. I said the same about him. It was great as I felt both of us were allowing our guard down a little.

Friday afternoon he calls me for a chat, nothing out the ordinary, he just called for chit chat. Then yesterday morning I wake up to this message:

I’m going to sign off for a while.
I really need time to think about my future, if there is one.
I feel too connected to back home.
Work wise I’m not in a good place at all.
I need time out.
I promise it’s not to do with you, I really just need time to be present here and where I am, hope you understand

He’s going to call me this morning to explain. I’m bloody heartbroken which is ridiculous, but he has been such a big part in my life over the time I’ve known him, we talk for hours sometimes. He is always the one to call me (something he did mention when he was a bit drunk), so it’s not as if I have shown myself to be needy or a drain on him.

I feel so disposed of and confused based on our previous conversations and have no clue what to say to him.

OP posts:
Meltingsocks · 09/10/2022 13:32

He sounds boring, self absorbed and married!

Lucky escape OP. Wishing you well in the future

Noteverybodylives · 09/10/2022 13:32

If you've been on two dates with someone and have already made multiple threads about them, they aren't the person for you as something is fundamentally not working.

Two dates in should be fun, easy and drama free with the right person for you.

It's all very intense. You say it's not but have a read back through your other threads and you'll see it is.

Onwards and upwards!

Please read and take this in OP.

whynotwhatknot · 09/10/2022 13:42

if he called it off previo9usly why did you start messaging again

Robekinobi · 09/10/2022 13:44

My first thought reading OP was "tinder swindler". True colours have been shown (multiple times by the sound of it), run for the hills!

CheezePleeze · 09/10/2022 13:46

Definitely red flags on both sides here.

He tried to tell you to back off with his curt replies and you should've listened.

Move on.

GordonShakespearedoesChristmas · 09/10/2022 14:15

He's not abroad
He's married/ with someone.
They sussed him and gave him an ultimatum.
So sorry OP

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2022 14:22

He love bombed you. Now he's lost interest.

Too intense for 2 dates or even 2 months in.

Isaidnoalready · 09/10/2022 14:22

Honestly block him what else is there to be said he has said it all anything else will be bullshit

FleeUpFreeTime · 09/10/2022 14:28

never wait around for a lover it’s not worth it. I reckon he’s only calling to make himself feel better. Ignore the call and move on to someone who wants to be with you

Gooseberrypies · 09/10/2022 14:31

I know it feels like you’ve spent a lot of time with people you’re dating when they’re constantly available (with phones and social media), but it helps me to think about this to put it in perspective a bit. Aside from speaking on the phone think about the time you’ve spent with this man. 2 dates lasting what, 3 hours? Maybe longer of course… but I think it’s unlikely to be more than 12 hours each. You’ve spent less than a day with this man. He’s telling you he isn’t in a position to maintain the relationship you want, and why would you want to pursue someone who isn’t invested in you? He’s done you a favour OP.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/10/2022 14:37

Two months arndyou're 'heartbroken".

Speaking every day sounds far too intense as you've only had two dates. Sorry, but wave this one goodbye.

You'll be fine.

inheritanceshiteagain · 09/10/2022 14:38

flakey as fuck. well rid

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 09/10/2022 14:52

You sound so desperate. Wtf would anyone go and fly off somewhere after 2 bloody dates? Wtf is wrong with you?

Cowhen · 09/10/2022 14:55

It sounds intense and strange. Nevertheless, I'd hear what he has to say.

Benjieandjacksmum · 09/10/2022 14:57

Why do you need to be so nasty! I think the OP may have relationship and mental health issues herself. She obviously has a fragile personality and needs understanding not the nasty comments she has had from some replies.

Jewel7 · 09/10/2022 14:58

I can see why your hurt. 2 dates but contact and making plans for much longer. I would be wary he hasn’t been honest and there is someone else.

peanutbutterontoast7 · 09/10/2022 14:59

Why is everyone invalidating the OP feelings? Whether she's been on 2 or 200 feelings she's feeling really upset. We all know that feeling. It's horrible. You all might not feel this way after 2 dates but is anyone asking that? Absolutely not. Is it helpful? Absolutely not.
Jesus why can people be so harsh!

Hope you're OK op. To me it sounds like you need someone with stability so I would listen to what he says and decide whether that will work for you.
These feelings won't last forever.

Pinkdelight3 · 09/10/2022 15:12

Do you think it's helpful to validate this and feed the drama that's unfolded over more threads than the number of dates they've been on? Or to give a healthier perspective to try to get her to see sense and get out of this upsetting spiral? Seems like the last thing she should do is listen to him any more at this point. Blocking and moving on feels much wiser.

Watchkeys · 09/10/2022 15:15

Whether she's been on 2 or 200 feelings she's feeling really upset. We all know that feeling. It's horrible. You all might not feel this way after 2 dates but is anyone asking that? Absolutely not. Is it helpful? Absolutely not

It may very well be helpful to OP to see her part of the responsibility for the situation she's in, and to prevent it from happening again. When you grasp that you are responsible, you grasp that you're in charge. It's empowering. No need for the 'What is wrong with you?!' stuff though. I'm sure we've all made mistakes and been more vulnerable that we've needed to be. Why anybody thinks they have the right to speak like that is anybody's guess.

mountainsunsets · 09/10/2022 15:16

peanutbutterontoast7 · 09/10/2022 14:59

Why is everyone invalidating the OP feelings? Whether she's been on 2 or 200 feelings she's feeling really upset. We all know that feeling. It's horrible. You all might not feel this way after 2 dates but is anyone asking that? Absolutely not. Is it helpful? Absolutely not.
Jesus why can people be so harsh!

Hope you're OK op. To me it sounds like you need someone with stability so I would listen to what he says and decide whether that will work for you.
These feelings won't last forever.

Because it's not healthy to validate feelings like this.

EmmaH2022 · 09/10/2022 15:20

Validation or not
OP feels awful.

I'm sorry for you OP. That really sucks.

I wouldn't listen to what he has to say, but I also wouldn't go abroad to see someone I didn't know. Even if you're used to travelling and it's free of charge, it'stoo much.

hope you feel better soon.

Holzy91 · 09/10/2022 15:23

Now in a national news site fyi

apple.news/AO-RWk9wZTr6PUDo6MkwTKg

Original poster
Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 15:27

Thanks to those of you who offered well rounded and insightful comments, I really appreciate them.

I should have made it clearer that I needed to be in that country anyway this year so was just going to tie it in.

I do not have MH issues, however I was in a relationship previously which was emotionally abusive, so I can see how this pulled on some triggers for me and I need to work on that.

OP posts:
KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 09/10/2022 15:31

Did you sleep with him OP?

CosyDarkNights · 09/10/2022 15:32

Gosh 2 dates over 2 months and hes been abroad for 3 weeks? Chill your beans. The start of relationship should be the easy fun bit, this all sounds exhausting. I'd have binned him when he said he was going abroad unless it was only a couple of weeks, who's got time for long distance? If I wanted a relationship I'd want someone on the same continent. It all just sounds too much like hard work to me.