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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Blindsided by message

203 replies

Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 09:07

I had two amazing dates with a guy who is now working abroad in various countries for a few months. He left about three weeks ago and calls or texts me everyday. On the weekends more as he’ll often call me when he’s had a few to drink.

He plays his cards quite close to his as do I but earlier this week we talked about me flying over to meet, he detailed the dates and countries he’s going to be in and said if I let him know when I’m coming he’ll take time off work. He also said how well matched we are and that he feels he can be himself when he talks to me, that I’m ‘solid’, he knows he can trust me and he has no red flags about me. I said the same about him. It was great as I felt both of us were allowing our guard down a little.

Friday afternoon he calls me for a chat, nothing out the ordinary, he just called for chit chat. Then yesterday morning I wake up to this message:

I’m going to sign off for a while.
I really need time to think about my future, if there is one.
I feel too connected to back home.
Work wise I’m not in a good place at all.
I need time out.
I promise it’s not to do with you, I really just need time to be present here and where I am, hope you understand

He’s going to call me this morning to explain. I’m bloody heartbroken which is ridiculous, but he has been such a big part in my life over the time I’ve known him, we talk for hours sometimes. He is always the one to call me (something he did mention when he was a bit drunk), so it’s not as if I have shown myself to be needy or a drain on him.

I feel so disposed of and confused based on our previous conversations and have no clue what to say to him.

OP posts:
InFiveMins · 09/10/2022 15:40

I mean this kindly OP but this is very, very intense for someone you've been speaking to for two months and been on two dates with. He sounds way too much like hard work. Cut your losses now and move on.

Doingprettywellthanks · 09/10/2022 15:54

peanutbutterontoast7 · 09/10/2022 14:59

Why is everyone invalidating the OP feelings? Whether she's been on 2 or 200 feelings she's feeling really upset. We all know that feeling. It's horrible. You all might not feel this way after 2 dates but is anyone asking that? Absolutely not. Is it helpful? Absolutely not.
Jesus why can people be so harsh!

Hope you're OK op. To me it sounds like you need someone with stability so I would listen to what he says and decide whether that will work for you.
These feelings won't last forever.

Oh good heavens

mindlessly “validating” people is dangerous. If you’d read the thread you’d see the Op has started a number of threads about this man, including one where aHe complains about his curt messaging (within a week of meeting him) and then another whether she suggests perhaps it’s run it’s course and then he messages to say he agrees.

it is not healthy. So validating it would be nothing short of careless patronising.

let me guess, you regularly quote “Be Kind”

Rapunzel22 · 09/10/2022 15:58

I've read all 3 of your posts now and it sounds like you are flogging a dead horse.

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 09/10/2022 16:00

peanutbutterontoast7 · 09/10/2022 14:59

Why is everyone invalidating the OP feelings? Whether she's been on 2 or 200 feelings she's feeling really upset. We all know that feeling. It's horrible. You all might not feel this way after 2 dates but is anyone asking that? Absolutely not. Is it helpful? Absolutely not.
Jesus why can people be so harsh!

Hope you're OK op. To me it sounds like you need someone with stability so I would listen to what he says and decide whether that will work for you.
These feelings won't last forever.

Because getting into such a tizz over 2 dates that you need to start 3 threads on MN about it should not be "validated" as reasonable behaviour.

Coffeepot72 · 09/10/2022 16:00

I've read all 3 of your posts now and it sounds like you are flogging a dead horse.

Yes, you should cut your losses now

butterfliedtwo · 09/10/2022 16:04

Noteverybodylives · 09/10/2022 10:58

it wasn’t intense in that way.

You’ve started a thread saying you’re heartbroken over a guy you’ve only met twice.

It’s been way too intense and he’s doing the right thing by backing off.

Agree. He's pulling away because it's the right thing for him. I'd have done the same.

Coffeepot72 · 09/10/2022 16:07

I once read a great book called "He's just not into you" - best dating advice ever!

LazyLikeSundayMorning · 09/10/2022 16:16

You've been talking for 2 months and been on 2 dates. In no way is this anything other than the very beginning of a possible future relationship. Take the man at face value, as he seems to have been pretty courteous about his circumstances. Don't block him, carry on dating, and see if he comes back to you later. Yeah maybe he's spinning you a line and really it's something else. Or, not.

Seriously, what IS all this dating nonsense I keep reading, really?! Have some self-respect OP and you might find a good man who is good for you in the long run.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/10/2022 16:33

Bin him off. He is already pulling strings in your head. Early days of dating can be a bit, does he/doesn't he but not to this extent.

Go back to your agency and explain he is messing around with you and to please start from scratch. There will be someone out there for you op, someone far less complicated.

dailyfup · 09/10/2022 16:38

I've read your other two threads now too. The signs have been there all along that he just wasn't really into you. Sorry but that's the truth.
You had a couple of dates and enjoyed chatting to each other. You'd already managed to accidentally break it off once when you said to him that his short answers suggested things had run their course and he agreed.
He has now gone away for work - perhaps he thought things would fizzle out.
Who suggested you flying abroad to meet in the first place? You or him? Or was it just vague politeness on his part, him hoping it wouldn't happen.
It just all sounds very wishy washy from his side and has been all along.
He's probably been dating and messaging a few people at the same time.

A couple of dates in a couple of months is nothing. If he had really been in to you he would have tried to see you more often than that. Sounds awful, but he was probably just passing the time before going abroad. Why make a big effort to find a new girlfriend when you know you're going abroad soon for several months anyway?

CatJumperTwat · 09/10/2022 16:48

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 09/10/2022 12:53

I don't think he's the only drama queen.

Having now seen the OP's other threads, I have to agree.

TwoWrightFeet · 09/10/2022 16:55

For two dates it sounds like you are coming on a bit too intense. I don’t blame him wanting to focus on work when some woman wants to fly half way across the world for date no 3!

VillaMia · 09/10/2022 16:57

Two dates in two months does not a relationship make.

Tinder Swindler is what popped into my head when I read your OP. Sorry.

Sandra1984 · 09/10/2022 17:02

You’ve emotionally invested yourself too much in a stranger (a man you’ve met online and gone on two dates is a total stranger). He maybe interested in someone else, he maybe married or he may think he’s going to be abroad too much and doesn’t think a relationship with you will work.He may have too much stuff going on. Or you just made yourself too easily available (when he hasn’t earned that privilege yet) which boosts men’s ego at the beginning but then makes them loose interest pretty fast.

Trez1510 · 09/10/2022 17:03

I'm really perplexed at how many clues this guy has to give.

Dating agency. (Long term member? Stuck it 'lucky' first time?)
He takes the very first 'out' provided to him.
An 'out' that was offered as the result of him displaying classic 'I'm not into you ...' signals in the first place.
Feedback to dating agency - amicably agreed to not pursue.
I believe he is genuinely abroad, unattached and bored.
Constant access to someone he finds enjoyable company (I have some personal doubts about that as in we don't have access/insight to the nature of those calls/videocalls) but enough to keep him entertained and wile away lonely hours abroad.
Reality dawns .... this woman is intending visiting and all the (faux) intensity that brings with it.
Now, he's had to up the ante to 'I need time out, not you, it's me ....'

Move on OP, ditch the dating agency as well and review your part in this 'relationship' would be my advice to a good friend.

Maves · 09/10/2022 17:17

He don't give two shits, probs has a Roman in every country he. Goes. Read the room ffs...you said you were paying a lot of money for this dating agency?! Please don't waste anymore if he's always away it wouldn't work anyway.
You will meet someone eventually but this one ain't worth the headache you are 50 not 15

Maves · 09/10/2022 17:17

"Woman" not bloody Roman

WhiteChocMocha · 09/10/2022 17:18

In a way it makes sense, and maybe don't read it in the worst possible way.

I travel a lot for work, to nice places, and I used to love it. Whenever I'm away now, honestly the best part of my day is talking/texting with my boyfriend in the evening. Because of the constant travel and him being quite busy too, we don't see each other as much as 'normal' couples, but doesn't stop us talking every day and feeling really connected, a bit like what you've said about you and your man.

Thing is, I'm supposed to be productive and work looong days on these trips. My focus is off, I'd rather cancel any evening meeting and talk to him because it gives me joy. When I have time off, sometimes I go and do something nice and think, it would be amazing to do this with him. As a result my work output suffers. I'm homesick, not just for him, but he's a part of it. To the degree that I'm looking for a job that involves no travel. Again, not just because of the bloke, but I'm not enjoying it and am on thin ice in terms of performance reviews. It doesn't work.

I'm not saying that's the case, but...

  • Feel too connected to back home - may mean that he's homesick and not really present in his daily job/ life at the moment, and trying to focus on job more, or potentially return to the UK
  • Work wise I’m not in a good place at all - sounds like work isn't going well and he's distracted
  • I need time out - sounds like he has realised your relationship, which at this point, let's be honest, isn't very real/ serious, is affecting his decision making re his future, and he needs it out of the equation to consider the more tangible factors
  • I promise it’s not to do with you, I really just need time to be present here and where I am, hope you understand - see above

I could be completely off the mark, I don't know him or you.

He may be realising that although he doesn't know you well, he could have something much more enjoyable 'back home', but he also realises that it's not something to seriously hold on to yet, so he doesn't want to make decisions based on feelings/ your potential relationship. For you both, the relationship probably feels very real, but as you have only spent a limited amount of time together, it's understandable to be a little apprehensive on both sides to make any big decisions based on it.

Sounds like he wants to sort his work issues out with a clear head, and it really has nothing to do with you. It's not the most romantic, but it's sensible. He realises your relationship has made him float in the clouds a little bit and he needs his feet on the ground and focus.

Hear him out, really listen to him, and don't assume the worst. Sounds like your connection is real, and sometimes people just need a bit of space to figure themselves out.

As for me, we got a bit of space over the summer, I realised the job wasn't working for me, the travel wasn't working for me, boyfriend or no boyfriend, and we both realised our bond was important and valuable, but it was helpful to be able to step back and get some perspective before making big decisions.

Zone2NorthLondon · 09/10/2022 17:25

You’ve gotten too over invested with an online relationship that’s had 2 dates
You don’t rescue him,don’t dash onto a plane. Don’t be the saviour who swings on in
Reflect and think how you’ve just gotten in way too deep way too quick. Don’t be so reliant on an online man

Walkaround · 09/10/2022 17:32

? He said he needs time to think about his future, “if there is one,” not his future with you. Comes across as borderline suicidal.

Readaboutyourself · 09/10/2022 18:38

You are wasting your life on this nothingness situationship

Sandra1984 · 09/10/2022 18:48

Readaboutyourself · 09/10/2022 18:38

You are wasting your life on this nothingness situationship

”nothingness situashionship” 🤣😂 I’m adopting that term.

Museya15 · 10/10/2022 06:15

The problem is, you were always on hand for a chat with him, sounds like he enjoyed chatting with you but nothing else. I would not answer anymore calls and close the book on this one.

Banana2079 · 10/10/2022 06:34

You had two dates with him .. just two
I know you’ve spent hours on the phone and an emotional connection has developed but you are not in a relationship with him

1.Either he’s gotten scared of commitment and was just happy with the attention you were giving him over the phone boosting his ego , And now it’s time for the relationship to move on hes not feeling it

OR

2 He has a partner and has realised that this emotional affair he’s having with you is wrong and he’s figuring out what he wants

either way move on , he sounds unreliable, flaky and you don’t know much about him
are you sure he’s flying around different countries - could be An excuse To him returning to his partner or something cut your losses next time you meet somebody make sure they are available physically before you have a relationship with him

purplehair1 · 10/10/2022 06:34

Sounds like a narcissist. Love bombing and then pulling back to undermine you and make you feel unsure. Wait and see what he says but big red flags.