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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Blindsided by message

203 replies

Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 09:07

I had two amazing dates with a guy who is now working abroad in various countries for a few months. He left about three weeks ago and calls or texts me everyday. On the weekends more as he’ll often call me when he’s had a few to drink.

He plays his cards quite close to his as do I but earlier this week we talked about me flying over to meet, he detailed the dates and countries he’s going to be in and said if I let him know when I’m coming he’ll take time off work. He also said how well matched we are and that he feels he can be himself when he talks to me, that I’m ‘solid’, he knows he can trust me and he has no red flags about me. I said the same about him. It was great as I felt both of us were allowing our guard down a little.

Friday afternoon he calls me for a chat, nothing out the ordinary, he just called for chit chat. Then yesterday morning I wake up to this message:

I’m going to sign off for a while.
I really need time to think about my future, if there is one.
I feel too connected to back home.
Work wise I’m not in a good place at all.
I need time out.
I promise it’s not to do with you, I really just need time to be present here and where I am, hope you understand

He’s going to call me this morning to explain. I’m bloody heartbroken which is ridiculous, but he has been such a big part in my life over the time I’ve known him, we talk for hours sometimes. He is always the one to call me (something he did mention when he was a bit drunk), so it’s not as if I have shown myself to be needy or a drain on him.

I feel so disposed of and confused based on our previous conversations and have no clue what to say to him.

OP posts:
toots123 · 10/10/2022 06:37

I dont normally reply on here but had to this time.
I know everyone thinks you should move on but I had to give my experience too.
Almost 15 years ago I started seeing a guy and after 3 weeks he abruptly ended it. I was gutted as things just felt so easy and different with him. I said I'd like to meet up once to chat and he agreed.
We spoke about his worries (age gap, he felt the same as me but worried about getting seriously quickly etc) and we decided then to keep seeing each other. I knew there was something there and it turns out I was right... we've now been married for 9 years and have 2 children

Even if things don't work out this time, trust your gut. People here seem to enjoy saying move on but it's you in this situation, not them

Noodles1234 · 10/10/2022 06:39

This must have really upset you, it all sounded to be going ok.

It does sound like he maybe married, not working abroad but living with his family in the country. He liked to call you (when he was safe to do so), then it got close to you arranging a flight he has disappeared. Sadly, even with say internet dating this sort of thing can happen, some men like the thrill of a new relationship. I am guessing, but wait for his conversation. Maybe ask some leading questions to his job to set your mind at ease. Sounds like it might be an idea to move on from him. Good luck.

Madaboutthecat · 10/10/2022 06:39

I’m sorry you’re going through this. However, my gut instinct is that this is a scam being set up. Having been an almost victim myself. I know you’ve met him, but this can still be part of MO. Especially after messaging for so long, he’s got in your head.
How long before he asks for money?
Get out now while you can, and block him.

CuriousMama · 10/10/2022 06:56

It's good you're reflecting on why you're having such intense feelings. He really does sound too complicated.

kateandme · 10/10/2022 07:02

From what I’ve seen on your other thread he tried to end it very amicably,even through the agency!
if a man was not leaving a woman alone like op not appears to be?when she tried to end it once.

JustAMinutePeople · 10/10/2022 07:05

Have you watched the Tindler Swindler? Sounds like something from his rule book.

Alternatively, his wife checked his phone.

forgotoldusername · 10/10/2022 07:12

I think this is not a scam - why would he go through a dating agency rather than an app (I assume the agency does more due diligence). But simply he isn't interested, he even tried to end it and told the agency but OP persisted. A relationship needs both parties to be 100% on board right?

Dibbydoos · 10/10/2022 07:13

Sorry OP, appreciate you have feelings for him and are now upset :(

but If he needs time, he needs time.

Buggersticks · 10/10/2022 07:18

Hope you're OK, OP x

Olsi109 · 10/10/2022 07:27

Skimmed all 3 posts.

It sounds like he's just not really interested. In your first post you called him out and effectively ended things yourself because he sent a couple of short replies in a row. I would also think WTF? and just agree with that and move on because that comes across as needy especially so quick into dating. Some days people are busier, maybe tired, grumpier etc and I'd see that as too much. A week or few days of short messages then maybe I suppose but after 2 messages? I think you're putting too much energy and thought into someone you've met twice and it really isn't healthy to be posting 3 times over a matter of weeks about the same guy who's already in those same weeks shown you he isn't interested - it's a little obsessive/bunny boiler vibes.

For your own sake OP, block him and move on.

EnormousPuppaccin0 · 10/10/2022 07:29

Several similar posts from Op

Block & move on

Lovemusic33 · 10/10/2022 07:50

You need to ditch this guy and move on, you have only had 2 dates, posted several threads and it obviously isn’t going to work out. This man will continue to play you if you allow it, do you want months/years of not knowing what he wants and not knowing where the relationship is going? Chances are he has another life somewhere and you were just a distraction, he’s now feeling guilty. Block him and move on.

pinkstripeycat · 10/10/2022 07:54

That message he left would exhaust me. It exhausts me just reading it.

The start of a relationship should be happy, light hearted and fun and this person sounds like he has a few problems he needs to sort and he’s not in a place where he’s ready to be in a new relationship. He needs to sort his own head out, let him go and don’t be dragged down.

Also if he has MH problems it’s not your job to fix him. That will just affect your own MH

salsquiggle · 10/10/2022 07:57

Cowhen · 09/10/2022 14:55

It sounds intense and strange. Nevertheless, I'd hear what he has to say.

This. Exactly.

TimeforZeroes · 10/10/2022 08:00

It’s weird that he called you solid. I feel like he’s grooming you to be stoic and cool about stuff because he knows it’s about to her weird.

Hop27 · 10/10/2022 08:00

I would say he's married or has a partner and he got 'the guilt' - sorry OP.

FridayTheThirteeth · 10/10/2022 08:04

MH flags - read the message again.

Intense then will drop you. Lots of drama. Probably loves drama. Might even feel it adds the 'relationship'.

Mills & Boons all over this but probably not the happy ending.

Doingprettywellthanks · 10/10/2022 08:06

kateandme · 10/10/2022 07:02

From what I’ve seen on your other thread he tried to end it very amicably,even through the agency!
if a man was not leaving a woman alone like op not appears to be?when she tried to end it once.

On the basis of this threads and the other threads, I would say that the OP is the red flag and quite possibly MH issues

Lovemusic33 · 10/10/2022 08:11

I think OP is just clinging in to hope that this guy will turn out to be what she wants him to be. We all know from experience that this won’t happen but despite 3 threads of people giving advice she has chosen to ignore and start another thread in hope someone will give her the answer she wants.

Doingprettywellthanks · 10/10/2022 08:16

On another thread the op says the dating agency explained that they had heard from him and he'd said that he decided not to progress it but that it ended amicably

FabFitFifties · 10/10/2022 08:18

To be honest OP, his seemingly positive comments are red flags to me. They shout "issues". You dodged a bullet. Hope you are OK.

Padz · 10/10/2022 08:22

Have you had the conversation yet?

BunnyBum · 10/10/2022 08:23

I’d say don’t chase him now. Say you have listened and will respect what’s he’s said. To be frank there’s a high chance he’s already in a relationship and he’s realised making these plans with you is a bad idea. If he doesn’t get in touch again and meet up openly on home turf then you have defo dodged a bullet.

vanHalen · 10/10/2022 08:25

You say: In hindsight, heartbroken is the wrong word! I feel massively disappointed that I invested too much time and energy into this. I’m angry with myself and for thinking that he did actually like me.

So don’t invest any more time in him. Maybe you meet up again in the future once he has sorted out his issues whatever they are. They aren’t your concern.

If you can at all then let this intense fantasy go, that’s all that’s left of your 2 months of dating. I’m very sorry.

Look after yourself

CarmenBizet · 10/10/2022 08:26

As others have mentioned, he's just messing you around. If he was really into you then he wouldn't be distancing himself. And if it's an external reason like poor health or whatever then regardless, you know that he's not in the right place to be dating seriously right now.

Did he bother calling?

The 'he always rang me so I'm sure I didn't seem needy' thing: if you always were available to answer his calls then you might have still come across as being a bit needy, having said that if he was properly into you that wouldn't have been an issue, you don't need to dull yourself with the right person! But not ringing him often isn't the same as not coming across as a bit needy. Personally a month or two in I wouldn't be considering answering post-drinking phone calls just cos he'd been drinking and fancied a chat, that would feel quite insulting to me and a bit like you're slipping into LTR territory when you're just not there yet. Be careful you don't end up as a sounding board/play thing/bit of fun for a bored unavailable man. At two months he should still be wooing you, planning dates (yes, even from afar, you can easily arrange to have food delivered to someone and set a zoom date at a certain time or watch a show together or anything really that isn't just ringing up to talk ad hoc).

This one sounds a bit like a fantasy idea that you both got carried away with and he probably doesn't want to be tied to someone back home while he's off exploring and adventuring.