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Original poster

Blindsided by message

203 replies

Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 09:07

I had two amazing dates with a guy who is now working abroad in various countries for a few months. He left about three weeks ago and calls or texts me everyday. On the weekends more as he’ll often call me when he’s had a few to drink.

He plays his cards quite close to his as do I but earlier this week we talked about me flying over to meet, he detailed the dates and countries he’s going to be in and said if I let him know when I’m coming he’ll take time off work. He also said how well matched we are and that he feels he can be himself when he talks to me, that I’m ‘solid’, he knows he can trust me and he has no red flags about me. I said the same about him. It was great as I felt both of us were allowing our guard down a little.

Friday afternoon he calls me for a chat, nothing out the ordinary, he just called for chit chat. Then yesterday morning I wake up to this message:

I’m going to sign off for a while.
I really need time to think about my future, if there is one.
I feel too connected to back home.
Work wise I’m not in a good place at all.
I need time out.
I promise it’s not to do with you, I really just need time to be present here and where I am, hope you understand

He’s going to call me this morning to explain. I’m bloody heartbroken which is ridiculous, but he has been such a big part in my life over the time I’ve known him, we talk for hours sometimes. He is always the one to call me (something he did mention when he was a bit drunk), so it’s not as if I have shown myself to be needy or a drain on him.

I feel so disposed of and confused based on our previous conversations and have no clue what to say to him.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 09/10/2022 12:34

If you've been on two dates with someone and have already made multiple threads about them, they aren't the person for you as something is fundamentally not working.

Two dates in should be fun, easy and drama free with the right person for you.

It's all very intense. You say it's not but have a read back through your other threads and you'll see it is.

Onwards and upwards!

Pinkdelight3 · 09/10/2022 12:34

"over two months" really sounds like you're trying to amp up the significance. That's still nothing in the scheme of things. Two days and a few weeks of messages and calls. And you think you don't get overly attached??

Anyway, it sounds like the other threads mean there's more (or possibly less) to this than meets the eye.

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 09/10/2022 12:36

OP is the same man as the 50 year old you met via a dating agency and who was the subject of one of your other threads about texts and calls at the beginning of September?

CatJumperTwat · 09/10/2022 12:37

What a message! Either he's a right drama queen or he's started playing games to mess with your head. Either way, I'd reply "Okay, it's been nice getting to know you, best of luck" and block him. It's been two months and there are much better fish out there.

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 09/10/2022 12:39

Or is this the bloke you've been on "a few dates with" who is rubbish at texting and who was the subject of your third thread?

monsteramunch · 09/10/2022 12:40

But OP you say you're blindsided despite the incident below, as described on your other thread recently.

There's already been drama, a bit of game playing / fishing for reassurance etc. I don't understand how you can be so confused again after the other threads you've made where there have been issues. All after two dates.

Life's too short to date people it's not fun and easy with after two dates!

This is from your other one:

To be honest, I felt really confused and dare I say it a little bit hurt by these curt replies so sent one back saying "I sense from your short answers that perhaps this has run it's course, I really enjoyed meeting you though" to which he replied "I feel it has, take care". I was completely stunned by his response given his level of contact during the week - it just didn't make any sense to me.

The agency contacted me to ask how things were progressing so I rang and told them what happened and that I was very confused. They were very confused too as they said they felt very excited about our match and that he had given really positive feedback. They explained that they had heard from him and he'd said that he decided not to progress it but that it ended amicably.

Doingprettywellthanks · 09/10/2022 12:42

on the basis of this thread and the other one the op has started…. I think this chap has dodged a bullet

Original poster
Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 12:42

Yes, it is the same guy, he significantly changed his comms style over the last few weeks and has been much more in it.

He’s only been in Malaysia two days so not sure he’s met someone but then I don’t suppose I’d know.

He's supposed to be calling shortly, not sure I can be arsed to hear his bollox. I mean what else is there for him to say?

OP posts:
custardbear · 09/10/2022 12:42

I'm wondering if he's found someone else so he's trying to pause you til he wants to hook up again. Beware for your heart and don't let it be broken

Doingprettywellthanks · 09/10/2022 12:43

Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 12:42

Yes, it is the same guy, he significantly changed his comms style over the last few weeks and has been much more in it.

He’s only been in Malaysia two days so not sure he’s met someone but then I don’t suppose I’d know.

He's supposed to be calling shortly, not sure I can be arsed to hear his bollox. I mean what else is there for him to say?

So how come bind sided?

your thread about his curt messages was 6 weeks ago.

and is he the guy who explicitly said that he though it had fizzled out? (Another thread!)

mountainsunsets · 09/10/2022 12:43

You shouldn't be making multiple threads about someone you've only been on two dates with. It should be fun and easy at this stage, not full of angst and "heartbreak".

monsteramunch · 09/10/2022 12:46

Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 12:42

Yes, it is the same guy, he significantly changed his comms style over the last few weeks and has been much more in it.

He’s only been in Malaysia two days so not sure he’s met someone but then I don’t suppose I’d know.

He's supposed to be calling shortly, not sure I can be arsed to hear his bollox. I mean what else is there for him to say?

You say he's changed over the last few weeks but you've only known him for around eight and been on two dates...

You're clearly an intelligent person so I think as much as you've protested when people have suggested it, you must be able to see that it's not healthy or sensible to be giving this much headspace to someone you've met twice and known for two months, in the space of which there have been enough issues to start three thread on here about it.

It hasn't worked out and that's ok. But I'm not sure why you're so hesitant to acknowledge that you got too invested and also didn't honour your feelings by walking away when it was clear there were issues / not a great communication style match.

All this two months and two dates in! You don't know him at all really.

It doesn't need to be like this.

monsteramunch · 09/10/2022 12:47

Can you read back through your other threads and then help us see how you're blindsided by this new message?

It's very much in keeping with how your dynamic has been going so far.

This isn't me being sarcastic btw I'm just confused as to why you are blindsided as it is a natural progression of behaviour so far.

Spellcheck · 09/10/2022 12:49

I'm so sorry, how disappointing and shocking!

But with all this after 2 dates, it does sound as though he's quite an intense person. You've become caught up in the maelstrom of his emotions, and it does sound quite one-sided on his part. He's the one in control.
Perhaps sitting back and letting a few days go by without being in contact with him would help put things into perspective for you. It's as though he's picked you up, swept you round...and dropped you. Huge red flags here.
If you really want advice, mine would be to hang back and let your feelings calm down a bit so you can think straight. Perhaps don't answer his call later. I've a feeling it'll all be more emotional intensity and will leave you feeling even worse.

CheezePleeze · 09/10/2022 12:50

Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 12:42

Yes, it is the same guy, he significantly changed his comms style over the last few weeks and has been much more in it.

He’s only been in Malaysia two days so not sure he’s met someone but then I don’t suppose I’d know.

He's supposed to be calling shortly, not sure I can be arsed to hear his bollox. I mean what else is there for him to say?

If you could be arsed enough to ask strangers on the internet, you might as well be arsed to hear what he has to say.

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 09/10/2022 12:53

CatJumperTwat · 09/10/2022 12:37

What a message! Either he's a right drama queen or he's started playing games to mess with your head. Either way, I'd reply "Okay, it's been nice getting to know you, best of luck" and block him. It's been two months and there are much better fish out there.

I don't think he's the only drama queen.

AlternativelyWired · 09/10/2022 13:06

I can't see how this message is surprising at all. You've only had two dates! Life's too short for this kind of drama.

peridito · 09/10/2022 13:08

He sounds honest .He's struggling at work and needs to concentrate on that . He thought the two of you were on the same page and similarly invested in each other ,which is why he thought you might understand .

It's hard to covey depth of feeling in a text unless you are a literary genius .Ive him a break ,listen to what he has to say .

WaitingForBion · 09/10/2022 13:12

I think he probably senses that a relationship with you wouldn't be a healthy one. Your level of denial on this, and your rationalisation, only serve to tell me that you need to take a step back and out of this and rather get some assistance with your relationship style and patterning.

I don't for a moment think you'll do this though. Not until your heart really is broken.

Kissingfrogs25 · 09/10/2022 13:17

He is married.

I would bet my house on it.

isthismylifenow · 09/10/2022 13:20

Kissingfrogs25 · 09/10/2022 13:17

He is married.

I would bet my house on it.

This is exactly what I was just about to say.

OP, don't take the call, just block him.

confused162 · 09/10/2022 13:20

It sounds a bit scammy to me? Also im immediately thinking has he got a family abroad, wife and kids? But then im naturally cynical and suspicious !

Newuser82 · 09/10/2022 13:28

I would maybe suspect that he has someone else but hopefully all will be cleared up with the phone call. Good luck. All seems a little strange.

pictish · 09/10/2022 13:29

I would reply that there’s no need for him to call, the message is clear enough and if he’s not feeling it, neither are you. Too shabby by far. Bye now.

pictish · 09/10/2022 13:31

I mean two dates, come on.You don’t owe each other anything and talk is cheap.

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