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Original poster

Blindsided by message

203 replies

Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 09:07

I had two amazing dates with a guy who is now working abroad in various countries for a few months. He left about three weeks ago and calls or texts me everyday. On the weekends more as he’ll often call me when he’s had a few to drink.

He plays his cards quite close to his as do I but earlier this week we talked about me flying over to meet, he detailed the dates and countries he’s going to be in and said if I let him know when I’m coming he’ll take time off work. He also said how well matched we are and that he feels he can be himself when he talks to me, that I’m ‘solid’, he knows he can trust me and he has no red flags about me. I said the same about him. It was great as I felt both of us were allowing our guard down a little.

Friday afternoon he calls me for a chat, nothing out the ordinary, he just called for chit chat. Then yesterday morning I wake up to this message:

I’m going to sign off for a while.
I really need time to think about my future, if there is one.
I feel too connected to back home.
Work wise I’m not in a good place at all.
I need time out.
I promise it’s not to do with you, I really just need time to be present here and where I am, hope you understand

He’s going to call me this morning to explain. I’m bloody heartbroken which is ridiculous, but he has been such a big part in my life over the time I’ve known him, we talk for hours sometimes. He is always the one to call me (something he did mention when he was a bit drunk), so it’s not as if I have shown myself to be needy or a drain on him.

I feel so disposed of and confused based on our previous conversations and have no clue what to say to him.

OP posts:
ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 10/10/2022 08:29

Putting the most positive spin on this, he needs to be focusing on his work and his career, building things up to meet either a work or personal target, but he's spending so much time communicating with you and thinking about you that he's just lo going to be home instead of where he is and focusing on what he's doing.

I had a similarly fast and intense start to a new relationship right before covid and if I'd been trying to deal with a job that involved travel and a lot of my time I don't think I'd have been able to. It doesn't mean it's not real, though. Sometimes it can genuinely hit you like that. Nearly 3 years later and we are still together, living together and everyday humdrum life has more than kicked in, but I can still stay awake too late at night talking to him.

Fast and intense is not always wrong. Talk to him and see what he has to say but don't write things off until you know.

maxi2100 · 10/10/2022 08:31

2 dates and he is texting that? Massive red flag. Move on and quickly.

Cakeit · 10/10/2022 08:42

Is this your third thread about the same guy you’ve been on a couple of dates with?
it seems too much like hard work

Cakeit · 10/10/2022 08:43

Sorry, posted too soon
it seems too much like hard work, just wish him well and let him sign off

BloodAndFire · 10/10/2022 08:50

He also said how well matched we are and that he feels he can be himself when he talks to me, that I’m ‘solid’, he knows he can trust me and he has no red flags about me. I said the same about him. It was great as I felt both of us were allowing our guard down a little.

No one can know someone else that well after TWO DATES.

LadyWithLapdog · 10/10/2022 08:57

Sorry, OP, it doesn’t sound promising. If it was OLD rather than via agency, I’d say this is a scam eg send me money to buy you plane tickets etc.

Alice786 · 10/10/2022 09:03

I think the fact the called you solid is very telling. He is looking for someone solid because he probably isn't himself and think he needs this. I think he's been hiding his true self from you all this time and that's why it's taken you by surprise. Anyone new you meet you have to assume you don't really know them until you've spent alot of time together and met their friends or family and don't take them for face value and talk is easy.

Blowthemandown · 10/10/2022 09:08

@Palmtreesprings maybe when he said he was feeling close etc he got all scared when you reciprocated and has just got cold feet as it’s early days. Or maybe he’s got drunk and done something with someone else and regrets it, or not. Wait until you have talked, hard as that is. I know it’s hard!

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 10/10/2022 09:22

Anyone else getting boiled bunny vibes?

Autumn61 · 10/10/2022 09:23

Oh no, this is starting to sound like those pitiful letters my mum reads in Chat or Bella.
I hope not and he realised he’s better with than without you .

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 10/10/2022 10:36

That message sounds to me like he's lonely and homesick and talking to you is making it worse. It might not be as awful as you think. Id wait to talk to him before making any judgements on what's going on.

DotBall · 10/10/2022 10:57

The classic ‘it’s not you it’s me’. 😬
So sorry OP but he’s just not that into you, let it go.

Ithoughtthiswastherehearsal · 10/10/2022 11:08

Huh. Why did he go on a first date knowing he was about to leave the country for months? Bit weird.

It was also weird to enter into an intense text message relationship instead of just saying “Great date, bad timing, I hope we can meet when I’m back, if you aren’t seeing anyone by then.” Instead he’s drawn you into some weird internet relationship where I bet you aren’t dating other people. He “reserved” you, then buggered off!

Anyway. “I’m feeling too connected to back home” = “Aunty has introduced me to a potential marriage prospect, and now I’m seriously considering settling down here and trying a serious relationship here, so why on earth am I texting some girl I hardly know who lives on the opposite side of the planet.”

Lunificent · 10/10/2022 11:25

He clearly doesn’t want to see you at the moment for whatever reason so bin him and move on.
And that “future ….”if there is one at all” sounds so ridiculous. I remember a particularly unfaithful and childish ex boyfriend saying stuff like that to me when we were 19.

Inyournewdress · 10/10/2022 11:40

Well it sounds like it really isn’t about you, he seems to be in a bad place. His future…..if there is one? I think you’re best off out of this OP.

dontputitthere · 10/10/2022 11:47

If you've got more threads about a guy than you've had dates it's time to call it a day

Just searched. And I remember your first one. I thought drop it then.

bewarethetides · 10/10/2022 12:16

You've had 2 dates.

2

You barely know him, no matter how much you talked to him online.

Don't reach out to him; see if he reaches out to you when he gets back.

WhyDoesItAlways · 10/10/2022 12:59

My first thought was tinder swindler. If you haven't seen it, watch it then get far away from this bloke and move on.

It's only 2 dates? Delete and block.

Doingprettywellthanks · 10/10/2022 13:18

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 10/10/2022 09:22

Anyone else getting boiled bunny vibes?

From the op, yes

Sandra1984 · 10/10/2022 13:22

Doingprettywellthanks · 10/10/2022 13:18

From the op, yes

Show quote history

Yes, maybe he got them too. 🤔

vanHalen · 10/10/2022 13:38

There was no call, right OP? He fobbed you off, right..I'd bet on that.

Hello Girlfriend!! Here's a gentle smackdown. Grab the life-time you have back and don't waste any second longer.

Please run for the hills from this immature, self-absorbed, wet, tortured soul.

But beware, he's going to be in touch when it suits him and he'll try and hook you back in with dark musings of how much he's hurting and how he can't be with you (even though your connection is so deep). And he'll dangle some a carrot to keep you where he wants you.

He's feeding his vanity with you.

And all this is done under the mantle of stand-offishness, ghosting, hot-cold, playing as if he's never letting his guard down, but only you haver glimpsed behind it. Wow, powerful, this is so toxic OP, don't be reeled in.

Don't be his booty call, don't be his doormat (you may not realise it yet, but he's calling the shots already because he messed you around so bad). Don't be in love with the fantasy. Don't obsess.

Cut him off. He's not good for you.

Another poster suggested that you take a good look at yourself and see how after two dates you could let someone into your heart so deep that he has been able to get such a hold on you.

Do some emotional rehab, honestly. Focus on healing your soul and giving yourself what you need.

TCcoffee · 10/10/2022 13:50

I was in a similar situation once where I had met someone online and we chatted every day for weeks.
We met and went on quite a few dates. They worked in another country and were going back there.
And we did make plans for me to go and stay for a few days etc. then I had something out of the blue like you've described.

They said they were going to call and explain why they'd distanced themselves but they never did.
(I then found out they'd started dating someone else).

This might not be the case for you.

The person I was seeing, I would describe as a narcissist. And I mean it, as in they could likely have an official diagnosis.

I realise I'm often attracted to these characters and have worked on this in therapy!!

Have you spoken to him yet?

Candymay · 10/10/2022 14:09

Aprilx · 09/10/2022 10:44

By the time I got to the end of that I had almost forgotten you said it had only been two dates, it was only when another poster said that it clicked. I can understand your disappointment, but I expect this is really about a lost hope for a future rather than a true heartbreak. You can’t be heartbroken over somebody that you have met twice.

I wouldn’t bother speaking to him later, you have invested enough emotional energy into this already. No more now.

I totally agree. No way would I be indulging him in any more conversation. Finito and move on. You’re disappointed yes but don’t put any more energy into this one.

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 10/10/2022 15:46

@Doingprettywellthanks Yes I meant the OP. I can't get the image of Glenn Close out of my head.

KateW73 · 10/10/2022 16:02

A friend of mine had something similar happen to her. Only met a couple of times IRL, then he said he had to go away. All seemed fine at first, more than fine. She thought they were getting closer despite not being able to see each other in person. That seems to be the point where it's similar to your experience so far.
Then suddenly, he told my friend he had a health emergency and could she help by sending money. She asked what were reasonable questions and his OTT offence at being asked for any details made her think he could be scamming her. So she replied that she couldn't get hold of money at that time, but could he let her know how he was. She had a few more messages asking for money, and then nothing. His phone number no longer recognised.
Not saying this guy is definitely a scammer, but something to bear in mind.
One of the red flags from your guy is him mentioning out of the blue that he trusts you and doesn't have any red flags about you. He seemed to have been pulling you into agreeing that you trusted him, too, which seems premature after only meeting someone twice and then only talking on the phone.
I'm sorry you'd grown attached and are feeling sad about him now, but it's maybe that you developed an attachment to the idea of him you'd built up rather than to him as such. You don't owe him anything after two dates, even if he didn't set out to scam you from the start.

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