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Original poster

Photos of the children's deceased mother in new relationship.

319 replies

Anonintheuk · 06/10/2022 22:01

I lost my wife 8 years ago and have three kids. My new partner thinks I am being unreasonable by having photos of the children's mother around the house, despite me putting pics of her and her kids up too as our families blend together.

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife but worry about my children if we take them down, even one by one as they never miss a trick. After all, this is their home but I will add that this is a new home that we moved to after their mother died.

This issue has come up with other potential partners too but I really want to settle now as I love my new partner dearly. It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 06/10/2022 22:05

And the pics of your wife on her own, or as part of a family group? I think it perfectly acceptable, and necessary if it's the latter. Pics of her solo could go in the kids room?

It's important that the children feel as though you see their mum as a still being their parent. And that they don't feel she shouldn't be spoken about, referred to or reminisced over.

SuperlativeOxymoron · 06/10/2022 22:08

I can understand her discomfort, but as your children are still living in the family home, I'm assuming you were still married to their mother when she passed (sorry for your families loss) her memory is something I can only think you'd want to honour and removing her images from the house, is almost an act of wiping her out of your lives to remove all photographs of her.

Could you compromise and remove the photos from the livingroom, but have them in the hallway instead?

OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea · 06/10/2022 22:08

If you have a bit of a shrine to her then I understand that being a source of discomfort for your current partner but just normal photos, we'll she's their mother and you didn't split up, divorce, fall out of love etc, she died and it perfectly possible to love your late wife and also love a new partner. I would try to be critical of yourself though and objective. If it has been an issue with other partners then it might be that the photos are a bit more than you think they are.

Catlover1970 · 06/10/2022 22:08

I was the girlfriend of a widower (we’re now married) . I totally get where your girlfriend is coming from but I can also see things from your side. My stepson has pictures of his mother in his room, they’re all in albums in our lounge and still have a few of her things around. If you handle it sensitively I’m sure you can compromise. Good luck

Blowyourowntrumpet · 06/10/2022 22:09

I honestly don't know. My feeling is that the photos should stay for your children's sake.

Newusernameaug · 06/10/2022 22:09

A new partner not wanting photos of the deceased parent would be a huge red flag for me sorry. It’s so important for your children that their dm is still acknowledged and remembered

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2022 22:09

How many are there and how big are they? A few scattered around on shelves or walls of her and the kids at different ages sounds nice and normal and inoffensive. A massive canvas on the wall of the two of you snogging on your wedding day is going to put potential girlfriends off.

And if your children realise you’re dating and love this woman they can’t expect everything to stay exactly the same.

Mandeville2004 · 06/10/2022 22:10

You are not unreasonable at all. Your partner is being quite selfish and unpleasant . It is the children’s mother.
I am widowed and would not pander to this at all. To be jealous in this situation is really a bit pathetic.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/10/2022 22:10

How many pictures and where? I would think the kids rooms would be best for these

ContSalw · 06/10/2022 22:11

Your partner is unreasonable. She was your wife, and is the mother of your children. The children shouldn't have the photos of their mother taken down.

We were all adults when my mum died. My dad has photos of my mum up, and his partner doesn't have an issue that they are there.

My beautiful friend died last year, she had very young children. I would think it incredibly sad and disappointed for the children if their dad met a woman who had an issue with her photos in the house.

lannistunut · 06/10/2022 22:11

I think your new partner is in the wrong actually, as there are children who need their mother to remain important.

snowgirl1 · 06/10/2022 22:12

DM died when I was an adult. DF met someone a couple of years later. He wanted to make his new partner feel comfortable when she was in his house so he took down every photo of my mum - including group photos, family photos etc. To me it felt like DF was clearing out memories of his old life. It hurt a lot and damaged our relationship. You don't mention how old your children are but tread carefully. I think it's unreasonable of your partner to not expect there to be photos of your children's mother around.

Asparagoose · 06/10/2022 22:12

Never understood why people are so obsessed with putting family pictures up. I think they look untidy. Not having pictures doesn’t wipe a person out. Put the pictures in the kids rooms and move on with your life.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 06/10/2022 22:13

This issue was covered in a program about Rio and Kate Ferdinand, the reached a compromise and it was sensitively done. Photos of Rio's first wife occupied a specific area going forward. Check it out?

Lonelylonelylonely · 06/10/2022 22:13

Could you give each of your children special personalised memory books of your late-wife?

I'm assuming they are not really young if your late-wife passed 8 years ago, so maybe chat to them and explain that whilst your and theibr memories will not get less you'd also like to keep pictures of her to their personal areas of the house (i.e. their bedrooms) rather than in communal areas.

It's good to show them you've not forgotten her, but also important to show them that as part of a healthy adult relationship you're willing to respect your current DP's boundaries.

aylis · 06/10/2022 22:14

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to have pictures of your late wife and kids mum around the house, the house you live in, she was and is part of your family. I get your new partner might find it difficult, as if she has to ‘live up’, but that wouldn’t be solved by removing the photos.

MyLovelyPen · 06/10/2022 22:14

Your partner is being utterly ridiculous. I know two families in this situation and the dad who bowed to his jealous partner’s behaviour has devastated his children. She was their mother, nothing changes that.

Honeyroar · 06/10/2022 22:14

Your late wife is no threat to your girlfriend. I can’t see why she’s so upset by photos of her. Unless they’re on your bedside table or enormous and all over the house?

NoNameChangeRequired · 06/10/2022 22:15

Newusernameaug · 06/10/2022 22:09

A new partner not wanting photos of the deceased parent would be a huge red flag for me sorry. It’s so important for your children that their dm is still acknowledged and remembered

I’m with @Newusernameaug

MrsMcGarry · 06/10/2022 22:15

I didn’t see a picture of my mother until I was 16 because my stepmother had, like your partner, decided she was a threat to her.
I will never forgive my stepmother or my father for that. A picture of my parents is now up on my kitchen wall, and my stepmother had the balls to complain about it. It was the last time she was invited into my house.

Cherryana · 06/10/2022 22:16

I can see why it’s uncomfortable. Especially if it’s your gf’s home too. It’s jealousy inducing, insecurity inducing and exclusionary as in she was not there, is a reminder of a past love, when you were all a different family . Of course those feelings are uncomfortable to voice.

However, I think they do not override the very important thing which is to continue to foster a connection between your children and their mother, and visual reminders are part of that. Also, as others have said, to love your late wife and a new partner is not mutually exclusive but may need to be vocalised by you.

Personally, I would have photos in the children room and in one area of the house, not throughout.

ZealAndArdour · 06/10/2022 22:17

I think this woman and all the others sound incredibly insecure and unhinged. Your children need to see photos of their mother around their home, it’s normal! She’s dead so she’s hardly a threat to any new woman in your life is she.

Just imagine being so insecure that you feel threatened by a dead woman. Jesus Christ.

ColadhSamh · 06/10/2022 22:17

It's a new relationship and she is already trying to dictate? Presumably your children are still grieving and coming to terms with the loss of their mother.

Kite22 · 06/10/2022 22:18

Honeyroar · 06/10/2022 22:14

Your late wife is no threat to your girlfriend. I can’t see why she’s so upset by photos of her. Unless they’re on your bedside table or enormous and all over the house?

This.

I would be quite concerned about a person who wanted all pictures of your late wife, and the dcs' mother, hidden away.

paulhollywoodshairgel · 06/10/2022 22:18

Please don't take them down. An old friend of mines mum died when he was young. His dad remarried and the step mum took all the photos down and hid them. He never got over it and still holds a lot of hurt over the whole situation. He feels his father broke his trust and helped this woman try and remove part of his identity.