Photos of the children's deceased mother in new relationship.

[Anonintheuk]

I lost my wife 8 years ago and have three kids. My new partner thinks I am being unreasonable by having photos of the children's mother around the house, despite me putting pics of her and her kids up too as our families blend together.

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife but worry about my children if we take them down, even one by one as they never miss a trick. After all, this is their home but I will add that this is a new home that we moved to after their mother died.

This issue has come up with other potential partners too but I really want to settle now as I love my new partner dearly. It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

Links to these 'studies' where its harder to go through divorce than sit and watch the person you love take their last breath or get that knock on the door from police
Where a child has said 'yes only seeing my parent 50% of the time is obviously worse than never seeing them again'.
I'm fucking astounded, am sure the charity Winston's Wish who I've referred bereaved children to will be interested in this study.

What studies @DaughterofDawn? You can't make those kind of statements without backing it up.
As a widow (when my kids were young), but married to a man who was divorced, I can tell you the death of their father far far far more affected the stepkids than when their parents divorced,
But to answer you OP, my husband had a photo of his first wife and kids in his study. She was central to his life for 20 years snd mother of his older children. Didn't bother me at all. His kids didn't see the pic much as they didn't really go in his study, so it wasn't there for them. We didn't have many photos in the rest of the house other than all the kids in the upstairs hallway, but none with any of the parents.
I have photos in my livingroom of my children, stepchildren and my late husband and son, no new partner will ever make me remove them. I also have my engagement photo in my home office (along with other family photos). If I was in a new relationship I wouldn't remove that either. If it was by my bed, I would move it to a less intimate place (like my office)!

Their is no deadline with regards to how long someone should grieve for so I think you need to take direction from your children here.

How are they dealing with their grief? How do they feel about having photos of their DM out??

Have a conversation with them . If they want photos of their mother on display, keep them out. If they feel that maybe there are too many reminders, put some away or get them to pick a favourite photo each and then decide where it's to be displayed. Your children are what matters most here and they need to have a say. It's healthy for them to be able to feel they can talk about how they feel in regards to their mother. That even though she is not on this earth with them, she is still important and that will never change.

If your new partner feels threatened or second best, maybe start with one or two photos of all of you together out on display and keep ones of you both in your room which is your space (making sure their are no photos of the DC mother there). They will be easier to take down at a later date if the relationship doesn't work out.

Being a parent herself, and what with your children still being so young, your partner should understand that this needs to be handled carefully and sensitively and if she doesn't understand it, is she really someone you want around.

Good luck OP.

Quite interestingly, one of the things that come from these studies (which a simple search can lead you to) is that outcomes for children of divorce are worse because of a lack of support that children whose parent has died get from charities like Winston's Wish.

I don't want to get stuck on this path, my ultimate intention was to give a point of view of a woman in a relationship with a widower. I would never have wanted to eradicate all memories and mentions of my exbfs late wife but would have expected a comfortable compromise. That compromise will be different to different people.

I agree.

As someone who married a widower I feel qualified to reply.

well, you’re not a child who lost their mother are you? You shouldn’t be dictating how someone else remembers their mother or family. Only pics of her alone should be in kids rooms? You probably shouldn’t have married a widow tbh

First I did not say one was harder than the other. I’m sure you would like that though wouldn’t you since you are clearly trying to make this into a suffering contest. I said they cannot be compared.

I would still say divorce is not the same though. In a divorce you can say goodbye. There is a chance of making up. Some couples are still friends after a divorce. At the very least if they were not kind to you you can release their memory by saying they were an asshat and giving yourself permission to be angry at them.

With a death that is it. End of story. Gone forever. No chance of back pedalling. Gone forever. Poof. Honestly to compare them is really selfish. I don’t need statistics. It’s called the school of “I don’t selfishly play the suffering olympics and compare the pain of my relationship not working out to someone else’s life tragedy that can’t be undone.”

Although I am finding your tag and question confusing but it’s 6:00am here (I had to put the baby down after a nightmare) and I might have misread but not that I’m reading over it again I’m questioning if you tagged the wrong person.

To the person who said they didn't want to see pics of 'the ex' around- that's incredibly callous- she wasn't the ex, she died , it really isn't the same. Don't get into a relationship with a widower if you can't cope with that.

Consider yourself lucky OP... my Aunts partner put up with her partners husband bringing mothers ashes round in an casket whenever she visited... to 'remind' dad who his 'true love was' ... until Aunt grew a backbone and said 'enough'... daughter said 'it's her or mum' photos fine but there is a limit.. daughter (47yrs old) didn't speak to him for 8 months.

Given you didn't split with your wife, but she was taken from you, I think any subsequent partner needs to accept that she will remain part of your lives - your life as well as that of your children.

Obviously a giant shrine of something would seem a bit off, but it shouldn't be as if she didn't exist either. You were happy and in love, and almost certainly still love her, even if you love another now too.

If I was with someone who was widowed, I'd assume they'd still have a few photos up, including perhaps a wedding photo. I'd expect to be comforting him on his anniversary, and if I couldn't accept that he'd still miss and love her, I wouldn't think it was even right to get into a relationship. It's a hard ask certainly, and not for everyone.

What total BS. You make sweeping claims with absolutely no evidence.

I wonder exactly what exactly is the goal of trying to compare which is worse? The pain is a very different kind of pain. I think you are being very disrespectful to OP by doing this. Are you trying to tell OP that they don’t have it that bad or something?

“Hey OP! It could be worse. At least you didn’t get divorced!” Is that’s where you are going with this?

1993 and 1998 from 2,605 male twins from the Virginia population-based twin registry

i mean, really? Hardly top class, large scale studies.

Absolutely do not hide the photos of your late w. The children would be distraught to think a new woman is taking over everything including their memories. Your new w should have the decency to recognise the childrens need to see their mother. she doesnt have to look at them.

It’s your home. You get to decide. If new partner is living with you maybe wall photos could be taken down but still have photos on display. Definitely have some in the childrens rooms. I would be tempted to wait until the children are older before living with someone if it’s a issue.

DaughterofDawn

I was simply using my experiences to show a possible pov of OP's new partner who many posters have demonised without knowing her own circumstances.
We don't know much about the background of either parties of this blending family. Which is why I was encouraging considerate compromises from both.

Actually, in my situation my exes children have suffered more due to various factors which I won't redirect the thread with.

Finally, I wish nobody dead. That is a disgusting thing to suggest.