Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Photos of the children's deceased mother in new relationship.

319 replies

Anonintheuk · 06/10/2022 22:01

I lost my wife 8 years ago and have three kids. My new partner thinks I am being unreasonable by having photos of the children's mother around the house, despite me putting pics of her and her kids up too as our families blend together.

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife but worry about my children if we take them down, even one by one as they never miss a trick. After all, this is their home but I will add that this is a new home that we moved to after their mother died.

This issue has come up with other potential partners too but I really want to settle now as I love my new partner dearly. It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
ManxRhyme · 06/10/2022 23:02

Your children's right to have their mother's memory honoured and cherished totally overrides your partner's selfishness and insecurity. Dump her.

FiveMins · 06/10/2022 23:03

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 06/10/2022 22:59

We had photos of my husband’s late wife in our home, both on her own and family group photos. Never bothered me at all ( his children were adults, never lived with us) I’d have thought it odd if he didn’t have photos of his children’s mother around. She was obviously the most important person in his life for a long time, she sadly died quite young & later he met me. We weren’t in competition.

This. In fact I would worry about your new partners prioritisation. As a stepparent, I loved the fact that my husband put his son before me. In fact it makes me want to have children with him, which we did.
Are you sure your new partner really cares about your children? If not, childhood, is very short. Protect theirs.

QuitWhileAhead · 06/10/2022 23:03

I'm sorry for your families loss. That must be so difficult for you all.

I think your new partner is really unkind and immature. The fact that she thinks she has the right to tell you to take the photos down is awful. Has she no shame? She is dealing 'jealous' of someone who has sadly died. How perverse is that!

How long have you dated? Id suggest you halt the blending and wait until she feels comfortable with the fact that you are a widower and that your kids lost their mother.

8-14 are tricky ages to blend families. What do they feel about it?

Fruitbatdancer · 06/10/2022 23:04

As someone who married a widower I feel qualified to reply.
pics of her and kids, absolutely fine, pics of her alone in kids rooms, also fine, wedding photos on mantle- not fine! Solo giant canvas portraits in lounge? Also not fine. There is balance to be found. If extreme response then there’s more going on than pictures….

Brighteyedtriangle · 06/10/2022 23:05

Sort your will now so you children are protected. She will write them off if she can.

Whywouldibeinterested · 06/10/2022 23:06

I’m a widower.
A few family photo’s with my lw around my house is non negotiable .
I absolutely will not, nor do I need to, have a relationship with a woman who does not have the emotional intelligence to understand why such photos might hang on my wall.
OP there are plenty of amazing women out there who wouldn’t have a problem. Dont settle for one who does. She is entitled to feel as she does, she just shouldn’t date a widower.

Original poster
Anonintheuk · 06/10/2022 23:07

Thank you all for your feedback. It gets deeper. I want her and her kids to feel welcome her so put photos of them and the new ‘blended’ family up too but worry that if the relationship does fail (for the reasons in my initial post) then I will have to remove their photos.

Asparagoose… it’s my home, we have photos. Pretty normal really.

OP posts:
QuitWhileAhead · 06/10/2022 23:08

I'd be worried that if your new partner can't even bring herself to have photos of your wife in the house that you and your kids won't be able to talk about her or reminisce. Your kids are going to be put in an awful situation where they won't be able to talk about their own mother in their home without it being 'awkward'

It's not fair on you to put your kids in this situation.

Carry on dating but stop the blending.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/10/2022 23:09

This makes me feel very uncomfortable on your childrens' behalves.

This is their home. This was their mother.

A new girlfriend who thinks she can displace things in your DCs' home, that are important to them, can get lost IMO.

PineOrange · 06/10/2022 23:09

The photos are a symbol of her understanding of your loss and your children's loss.

She clearly does not understand what has passed, you really need to keep them up, you even considering this sends warning signals to me that you may put your new woman before your children.

No person should be threatened by a deceased ex wife.

meateatingveggie · 06/10/2022 23:09

Whywouldibeinterested · 06/10/2022 23:06

I’m a widower.
A few family photo’s with my lw around my house is non negotiable .
I absolutely will not, nor do I need to, have a relationship with a woman who does not have the emotional intelligence to understand why such photos might hang on my wall.
OP there are plenty of amazing women out there who wouldn’t have a problem. Dont settle for one who does. She is entitled to feel as she does, she just shouldn’t date a widower.

I 100% agree with this.

Ellnet · 06/10/2022 23:11

TwigTheWonderKid · 06/10/2022 22:51

You may have a new partner but your children will only ever have one mother, even if this new partner of yours takes on a motherly role.

Your children have lost their mother. I find it hard to understand how an adult can not understand how hard that is for them. I think it is utterly inhuman of her to want these photos removed.

I agree with this. My DH was a widower with children and I would never have dreamed of asking him to remove photographs of his wife and the children’s mum, she was their life before he met me. The children often spoke to me about the memories they had when their mum was alive and they told me where they’d been when certain photographs were taken.

24 years later there’s still a few photos of ‘D’ and the children around the house, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to ask for them to be removed tbh.

BluesDad · 06/10/2022 23:11

Don’t take them down if they’re a comfort to your children. If your current partner is not prepared to acknowledge the fact that you weren’t born yesterday and have a past whilst having empathy for your children in missing as well as grieving for their Mum whilst still wanting to be reminded of her love and life as you do then she is not the partner for you. Those who accept you for the person you are now do not seek to erase the past that made you who you are today. Ok?

Allthestarsabovemyhead · 06/10/2022 23:12

Don’t get rid of the photos. If she is not happy then get rid of her!

idiotmagnet · 06/10/2022 23:12

I was the gf of a widower with children and there were always pictures up. It never made me uncomfortable and it would have been weird for them not to be there. The mother is still a part of all their lives and that's perfectly natural and proper.

Cameleongirl · 06/10/2022 23:12

My Dad and step-Mum were both widowed when they met. They have several photos of their late spouses around their house, including a couple of wedding photos. They also have photos of themselves as a couple. Neither of them has a problem with it.

I think your partner is being unreasonable.

Arou · 06/10/2022 23:13

Please don’t take them down. I think it’s lovely you still honour your late wife and your kids know she isn’t being forgotten.

keeprunning55 · 06/10/2022 23:13

I can’t understand what her problem is? Photos of your children’s mum in a family home. She must be very insecure to have issues like this.

AccountDeactivated · 06/10/2022 23:16

Pick better girlfriends. Wait a long time before making your kids get involved in your dating life. Prioritise your horrifically traumatised kids over dating.

Cameleongirl · 06/10/2022 23:17

keeprunning55 · 06/10/2022 23:13

I can’t understand what her problem is? Photos of your children’s mum in a family home. She must be very insecure to have issues like this.

I agree, she must be insecure to feel threatened by a deceased spouse.

Worthyornot · 06/10/2022 23:18

Newusernameaug · 06/10/2022 22:09

A new partner not wanting photos of the deceased parent would be a huge red flag for me sorry. It’s so important for your children that their dm is still acknowledged and remembered

This. This trumps whatever your dp feels . Your kids come first. What message would it send to them if you removed the photos ?

HariboReckoning · 06/10/2022 23:19

If it’s a full-on shrine, then I can understand her being uncomfortable. If it’s a few photos here and there, then she needs to get over it. If my dad had gotten rid of the photos of my mum when he remarried, it would’ve damaged our relationship. It’s perfectly possible for a young person to love and remember their mum, and also love and respect a stepmum: there’s no conflict there at all (or shouldn’t be).

Worthyornot · 06/10/2022 23:23

HariboReckoning · 06/10/2022 23:19

If it’s a full-on shrine, then I can understand her being uncomfortable. If it’s a few photos here and there, then she needs to get over it. If my dad had gotten rid of the photos of my mum when he remarried, it would’ve damaged our relationship. It’s perfectly possible for a young person to love and remember their mum, and also love and respect a stepmum: there’s no conflict there at all (or shouldn’t be).

So what if it's a full on shrine? I don't get that? This was their MOTHER and if they want the house plastered in photos of her then the kids have every right. If a dp feels uncomfortable then that is her problem. It's the children's home FiRST before anybody else's.

CKL987 · 06/10/2022 23:23

She is being ridiculous, insecure and selfish in my opinion. My mum died when I was an adult and my Dad remarried 3 years later. Some of my mum's friends and family didn't like this but I couldn't have been happier that my Dad found someone else and I didn't have to worry about him being alone in old age.
Even though me and my brother weren't living in the house any more there were a few pictures of my mum up as she was a big part of my Dad's life and history. The photos have understandably come down and into my possession since my Dad died last year as they are not a part of my Dad's 2nd wife's history.
I have very little sympathy for people who are like this and feel insecure about a dead person who helped make their partner who they are now, especially when there are children involved. I'm sure it is hard enough growing up without a parent, they don't need their memory removed. They need to pop down to see a therapist as far as I am concerned.
Your partner needs to do one and that's me being polite.

CloudSunLeavesCoud · 06/10/2022 23:24

do you have plenty of photos of your new partner in your house too? Does your new partner feel important and as valued as your wife was? Your new partner seems a bit insecure I’d work on that first and foremost. I wouldn’t take down photos of your wife. She is an important part of you and your kids life and your kids need to know she will always be. That’s not to say your new partner isn’t equally as important.