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Original poster

Photos of the children's deceased mother in new relationship.

319 replies

Anonintheuk · 06/10/2022 22:01

I lost my wife 8 years ago and have three kids. My new partner thinks I am being unreasonable by having photos of the children's mother around the house, despite me putting pics of her and her kids up too as our families blend together.

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife but worry about my children if we take them down, even one by one as they never miss a trick. After all, this is their home but I will add that this is a new home that we moved to after their mother died.

This issue has come up with other potential partners too but I really want to settle now as I love my new partner dearly. It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
Iliveonahill · 06/10/2022 23:49

chilliesandspices · 06/10/2022 23:42

My DH lost his mum when he was in his 20s. His father has remarried. He moved into his new wife's house and they've since bought a house together. They've always had photos of DH's mum in their houses. In their current house they have a few childhood family photos, a photo from their wedding day and a photo of her alone laughing her head off on a boat with a glass of wine. I think it's lovely and it was his new wife who first suggested DFIL put the photos up.

That is so lovely. My mum died young and my father was dry quick in moving future partners into the family home. When he married his new wife moved all of our family photos to a cupboard. I never forgave her. She was incredibly jealous of my dads past. So sad.

Wetblanket78 · 06/10/2022 23:50

She was your children's mother so of course they should stay. She isn't with them in person so they should at least have some photos of her and be able to talk about they're memories of her.

Lentil63 · 06/10/2022 23:54

Your late wife will always be your children’s mother and it is critical for them that her memory is not erased. Clearly you need to gently speak to your new partner as to why she is so uncomfortable and try to reassure her but ultimately your children for now while they are not adults must be your first consideration. Hard for your new partner but you and your children need to be able to continue to love your late wife.
I hope you can sort this and have a happy life, I’m sure that’s what your late wife would have wanted.

dailyfup · 06/10/2022 23:55

Nope. The photos stay. Absolutely non-negotiable.
I would suggest a massive above the fireplace type photo with you and 1st wife would be inappropriate when you have a new partner but there should absolutely definitely be photos of the children's mother around the home.
I'd not be happy about a new partner going on like this.

Schnooze · 06/10/2022 23:59

Don’t erase the first part of your life and your children’s mother.

Wetblanket78 · 07/10/2022 00:01

He's said the children's mother died 8 years ago so hardly quick to move on. The home is also a different home to the one they lived in with they're mother and they're age 8-14.

wilkos · 07/10/2022 00:01

My ex husband died when my children were 10 and 12. We had not been together since they were 2 and 4, but still co parented them amicably

If my partner had ever suggested not having photos up in our jointly owned house he would be straight out the door.

Likewise if he had objected to their baby brother from my ex's next marriage coming over to play.

Luckily he is kind enough and secure enough in his relationship with me and my children to not even consider being such a twat.

LadyPene · 07/10/2022 00:05

My DH lost his mother as a young child. The inability for his DF to talk about his mother, or have photos of her around, has had a significant impact on his and his siblings life.
We have now also had a couple of close friends widowed and subsequently form blended families. Photos and open conversation about the parent no longer around are non negotiable.
Your DP may not like it, but this really isn't about them.

MrJi · 07/10/2022 00:19

NoNameChangeRequired · 06/10/2022 22:15

I’m with @Newusernameaug

Show quote history

Me too.

whynotwhatknot · 07/10/2022 00:23

Please dont remove all traces of their mother-im an adult but my father doesnt hyave any pics of my late dm anymore because his partner doesnt like it

i cant imagine what its like for a child

AnnieEva · 07/10/2022 00:32

I would absolutely not remove the photos. I think it’s lovely and right that you display them along with your current partners photos.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 07/10/2022 00:32

I despise my children's' father, as does my partner (both with very good reason) but with gritted teeth we turn a blind eye to his odd appearance in photo albums, or on the PC screensaver or FB memory etc, because he is part of my children's family and their lives.

Unless you have a full size portrait of your late wife over the fireplace, for example, I'd be very intolerant of your new partner's position on this.

stuffnthings · 07/10/2022 00:48

I wouldn't take them down. I'm a widower.. it's still early days in a way, but I have thought about the future, but there's not a chance I would remove all pictures of my late DW/our DC's mum. We don't have any massive, great pictures, but there are several family pics and various others around the home.

I'm all for taking the next step in life, it's a good thing, but I don't believe in moderating the history of your own and particularly your own DC lives because of someone else who is insecure about it. We're bloody adults and should be adults about it!

A balance can be had and if that person can't understand it, then oh well.. they're not for me and my DC.

PigletJohn · 07/10/2022 00:50

If the children's mother is erased or diminished, they will notice, and they will not forget.

If you are lucky they will forgive you by the time you are on your deathbed.

WalkthisWayUK · 07/10/2022 00:52

No don’t take the down as they will be seen as moved and new step mum is ‘replacing’.

That is not a good start!

Also, those poor kids will never, ever get to see their mum in person ever again. Never hug her, hold her hand, hear her talk. This isn’t just a divorced person remarrying.

As the new wife I think you have to go the extra mile to be respectful to those kids. And it’s not for that long either, 10 years or so, the kids will be nearly adults which is not long in a lifetime, and those photos can gradually be given to kids as they move on with their lives. But not yet.

Blueink · 07/10/2022 00:55

The photos stay and it’s up to your new partner to be an adult about it or she’s not the right person, unfortunately.

HereForTheCommentsB · 07/10/2022 01:00

Blueink · 07/10/2022 00:55

The photos stay and it’s up to your new partner to be an adult about it or she’s not the right person, unfortunately.

This.

Keep the photos. If your partner doesn't like them, then find a new partner who isn't so insecure and jealous.

stuffnthings · 07/10/2022 01:02

HereForTheCommentsB · 07/10/2022 01:00

This.

Keep the photos. If your partner doesn't like them, then find a new partner who isn't so insecure and jealous.

Show quote history

Yep.

Dogroses · 07/10/2022 01:09

When my partner divorced his wife she moved out but he kept pictures up of her with the children, some of her things were still in the house (for years!), her handwritten messages were in the house, Screensavers from their marriage were still on the computer... It was a couple of years later l that I started saying let's move her stuff into the garage and can we please take these photos down? Their children can have photos of her and some of her things in their room if they want. I suppose I'm just saying sometimes there's no definite end to one thing and beginning of another. You don't have to move on from one thing to start another, or close down your grief to make way for new happiness. If you can abide a bit of messiness in that regard it will probably be good for everyone.

Dogroses · 07/10/2022 01:11

Meant 'you' as a couple, not you individually.

BackOnTheBandWagon · 07/10/2022 01:19

Jeez, when I lived with a guy with kids we put photos up of his kids with their mum to make them feel like she was still part of their life when they were at our house. She was very much alive, and I had no issue as the kids come first.

Your gf is being massively unreasonable.

ChelseaRobertsofMalibu · 07/10/2022 01:27

MrsMcGarry · 06/10/2022 22:15

I didn’t see a picture of my mother until I was 16 because my stepmother had, like your partner, decided she was a threat to her.
I will never forgive my stepmother or my father for that. A picture of my parents is now up on my kitchen wall, and my stepmother had the balls to complain about it. It was the last time she was invited into my house.

Omg 😳 That's horrendous. She complained about a picture of YOUR mother in YOUR house???? What did you say to her?

So sorry for your loss Flowers

comfyshoes2022 · 07/10/2022 01:28

MyLovelyPen · 06/10/2022 22:14

Your partner is being utterly ridiculous. I know two families in this situation and the dad who bowed to his jealous partner’s behaviour has devastated his children. She was their mother, nothing changes that.

My mother passed away when I was a teenager, and when my father remarried two years later, he took down all the photos of our family with my mother and stopped talking about her to respect his new wife’s wishes. It was indeed devastating to me and emblematic of the larger dynamic in which my stepmother and I really did not get along. My dad and his wife eventually ended up getting divorced after 15 years of marriage. I still find it hurtful that my dad was so deferential towards his new wife at the expense of my feelings and helping me remember my mother.

I do appreciate it is a difficult dynamic for all involved, but as a child who was once in this situation, I agree that it is quite sensitive.

YouOKHun · 07/10/2022 01:32

She’s being very self-centred if she can’t accept your late wife’s rightful presence in the family and how hugely important that is to your children. She may well be negotiating a blended family as someone else said in your partner’s defence upthread, but so are you and so are your children and she needs to find the emotional maturity to recognise this. I agree with others on this post, it’s a red flag - she’s only thinking about herself, it doesn’t bode well for your children going forward.

Bluebellandpansies · 07/10/2022 01:40

This is unhinged. The kids need to see their mum. She might not be every room of the house but she existed and has a place in your heart and the heart of your kids. She can start putting photos of your new life next to your previous life and it's absolutely fine, it's up to you what you do with your photos with your wife. Are you ready to put some down. She is a stranger to your grief and this is lack of sensitivity.