Photos of the children's deceased mother in new relationship.

[Anonintheuk]

I lost my wife 8 years ago and have three kids. My new partner thinks I am being unreasonable by having photos of the children's mother around the house, despite me putting pics of her and her kids up too as our families blend together.

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife but worry about my children if we take them down, even one by one as they never miss a trick. After all, this is their home but I will add that this is a new home that we moved to after their mother died.

This issue has come up with other potential partners too but I really want to settle now as I love my new partner dearly. It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

keep the pictures. new GF needs to learn to accept the whole family as it is.

This

only a woman lacking in emotional intelligence would be jealous of her partners dead wife.

Wow. I could never imagine asking for kids to take down photos of a deceased parent. She needs to get over it.

I couldn't imagine ever suggesting a widow and his kids should reduce pictures of their wife/mum. I'm not saying it would be easy to see them all the time, but surely she can learn to live with them. I don't think they should be just in kids rooms. I guess it does matter how many pictures we're talking though. Maybe if there's a few in every room that could feel quite overwhelming.

Your kids have already lost their mother. Don’t make them lose memories and photos of her too. The kids should be allowed to cherish their mother’s memory. Taking the photos down is just cruel.

I could never ask a child to part with a picture of their deceased mother, for any reason. I would be happy for them to remain in situ if I was a new partner to a widower.

I guess if you really love her then maybe help to boost her confidence more generally?

it’s not really like Rebecca is it?

A new partner not wanting photos of the deceased parent would be a huge red flag for me sorry.

Totally agree. Op, don’t move the photographs. Your new partner has zero right to remove the memories of your children’s mother from their home. CF springs to mind.

No no no no no. Please be sensitive to your children. You GF needs to be more sensitive and understanding.

I don’t think it’s coming from jealousy. I think that’s an easy and quick assumption to jump to. I could imagine it being uncomfortable, as though stepping into someone else’s family home, family pictures around of what once was, a vibe in the home as though the wife is still there and that the partner is intruding.

that said, you’re partner probably doesn’t want to feel like that and doesn’t want to upset your children. Could you come to a compromise? Or help her feel better about it all? It wouldn’t be fair on your children to just wipe their mother away but you do also want to move on.

Your children need to feel the presence of their mother in their lives on a daily basis. I lost my mother as an established adult and her just on the young side of elderly, so a normal, natural order of things death. I still have a few mementos of her in my own home. It’s just a few little things, but they are important.

a partner who wants you to scrub the house of those memories while the children still live there shouldn’t be moving in.

This is so sad and selfish. Do not take the photos down.

My mother married a widower with a young daughter. Of course there were pictures of my stepsister’s mother in the house, including a wedding photo. I’m sure it wasn’t completely uncomplicated, but my mum is a well balanced and compassionate person, and wouldn’t have dreamed of making an issue out of it.
Your new partner sounds very immature, selfish and lacking in empathy for your poor kids, and for you too!

This. When people die we don’t eradicate them from our lives. We keep photos it’s perfectly normal. She is your children’s mother and so her photos should be allowed. It really would not bother me if I was your partner. But then my mother died when she was only 48 so I’ve had plenty of time to understand grief.

There was a good documentary that Rio Ferdinand and his new wife did around this.

I think in the end they went with one space for all of them so the kids always had a place they can go. Worth a watch

Ooh! You are 100% right on this.
Acknowledge her discomfort and sympathise but say on this the children’s needs have to come first and they really do. It’s so important. It’s also important that they have people they can talk about their mum to and share memories with, which is you and other family and friends who knew you all before she died. This isn’t only the case for little children. I don’t mean this should happen ad nauseam around your gf but neither should it be taboo. They should be able to say “Mum liked BBQ sauce on her bacon butties too didn’t she dad!? without your gf rolling her eyes or getting the hump. If she can’t adapt she needs to find a partner who isn’t a widower with children. Harsh but true.

A friend of ours died leaving young children. He was divorced from their mother. It wasn’t a very amicable divorce, nothing out of the ordinary but the usual spats. She, his ex-wife, and her second husband who presumably thought our friend a right twat having seen one side of the divorce, have photos of our friend in their house and their mum talks regularly and positively about their dad and things he did with them. It’s so important to the children. They love talking to us about him too and the fact we remember him, sadly the youngest barely can. Their mum is an amazing woman, I think, and her children with our friend are fabulous despite all they’ve been through and a credit to her, also to our friend, but massively to her.

I hope you can help your new partner to understand and change tack.

Any decent person would respect the fact that your late wife is your children's mother. Please don't take them down. Your childrens feelings should come first.
There is no threat or competition. It would be very different if it was just an ex.

Honestly you have dated some massively insensitive women if they have all been like that unless you have some enormous shrine to your late wife.

I just wouldn’t want to date someone who would want all evidence removed when your children have lost their Mother. It’s bad enough for you but to do that to children, just no.

This is a big red flag for me too. Perhaps I'm clouded by my family history, after my grandmother died my grandfather remarried and the new wife was so jealous of the first wife that she burnt all the photos of her and through my father (aged 6) out of the house. The jealousy was ugly and my father quickly grew resentful of his father and his new wife. Whilst your new partner isn't as extreme as my awful step-grandmother, the sentiment is the same and this jealousy over a woman who has passed away is completely out of order. Your wife will always be a part of yours and your children's lives and any new partner is going to have to accept that.

Jesus Christ, he’s trying to help his motherless children with their grief. He’s not doing the Marie sodding Kondo.

Not quite the same but I have virtually no photos of my childhood. Why? Because my mother got rid of them when she remarried.

Your children no longer have their mother. Please don't deny them of photos of their mother.

It really depend on the scale we’re talking about and ages of children. I think it’s important to keep some of their mother up on show but as time goes on there should be more of your family too. But I think if you do take some down - making a photo album or memory book would be helpful in showing that she is not being replaced and her memory is still very important but that you also need to make room for new memories and important people.

A new partner not wanting photos of the deceased parent would be a huge red flag for me sorry. It’s so important for your children that their dm is still acknowledged and remembered

Totally concur with this. My DSS’s mum died when he was very young and he has a photo of her up next to his bed and a memory box with photos and things of hers. I honestly can’t imagine ever ever wanting him to not have these things or being jealous or resentful. A little bit different as DP and DSS’s mum weren’t ever in a serious relationship so she wouldn’t have been a ‘threat’ anyway as such, but even if they had been, if I was jealous that would be entirely my issue to deal with. She’s his mum, the poor boy has little enough of her anyway, why on earth would I ever want to take away the things he does have to hold onto her and remember her by? She’s part of DSS’s and DP’s life and so mine by extension, I’d never want to erase her or take that away from them. Your partner is very much in the wrong OP.

This. It would be a red flag to me

I'd ask her what the compromise would be. If she says no photos, then I think you're seriously going to have to re-think this relationship.
You have a past. Your children had a Mum. I think it shows a complete lack of self confidence in the person who states such a thing. Unless photos of your wife are everywhere and I'm sure they're not.

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife

You do? I can't understand it at all because she's being a horrible, insecure, insensitive cow. Your late wife isn't in competition with her, FFS. This is your children's MOTHER. Her pictures should always have a place in your home.

I would dump this woman faster than you could turn around.