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Original poster

Photos of the children's deceased mother in new relationship.

319 replies

Anonintheuk · 06/10/2022 22:01

I lost my wife 8 years ago and have three kids. My new partner thinks I am being unreasonable by having photos of the children's mother around the house, despite me putting pics of her and her kids up too as our families blend together.

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife but worry about my children if we take them down, even one by one as they never miss a trick. After all, this is their home but I will add that this is a new home that we moved to after their mother died.

This issue has come up with other potential partners too but I really want to settle now as I love my new partner dearly. It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2022 12:53

She is being u reasonable. The children should have reminders of their mother wherever they/you want them.

BuildersTeaMaker · 07/10/2022 12:55

WahineToa · 07/10/2022 12:48

@BuildersTeaMaker I’m sorry, I really feel for you. Almost identical thing happened to DH, damaged his relationship with his father forever.

I think it’s a bit odd how it mainly seems to be the men that move on quickly and try to expunge their previous wife
here it time and time again on MN

WahineToa · 07/10/2022 12:59

@BuildersTeaMaker I know. You deserved better and so did my darling husband. You know, he has such few memories by what he remembers is from so young, like he’s had to hold on to it in case he forgets her. He’s so sad he couldn’t tell his children really anything about her. His father got remarried 3 months later. It’s left a legacy of arguments drama and pain. His dad is dead now, not that old really but got cancer and they didn’t speak even then. Really sad.

JustLyra · 07/10/2022 13:05

BuildersTeaMaker · 07/10/2022 12:55

I think it’s a bit odd how it mainly seems to be the men that move on quickly and try to expunge their previous wife
here it time and time again on MN

Show quote history

I don’t think it’s that odd.

Men statistically move on quicker. The happier the relationship the quicker they move on (which is surprising to me, but I can see the logic a bit).

Men are also notoriously bad at handling their emotions and just ignoring things that hurt.

Its unhealthy (especially if the inflict it on children), but not that odd.

wineNcheeseifYplease · 07/10/2022 13:15

Flowersintheattic57 · 06/10/2022 22:56

As a child whose mother died and whose subsequent stepmothers removed everything that was pertinent to her, I would say ‘ what kind of adult goes into a child’s home and removes evidence of that child’s mother?’
An insecure person, a selfish person, the kind of person that does not make a good stepmother.
I get it that you need to look after your needs too, but maybe wait to move her in until she is feeling more secure.

@Anonintheuk I agree with this poster. I was also a child when my mother died. I had to remove all pictures of my mum every weekend when my dad's girlfriend came round. That was troubling and upsetting. I was grateful that they went back up, but I hated having to do it. I'm actually in tears about it now and I'm a grown ass woman.

Gazelda · 07/10/2022 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Previously banned poster - this has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Should the first wife never be mentioned or reminisced over either? All mention of her has to be when new partner isn't around? The DC feel as though they have to hide or suppress their feelings around their mother?

That's exactly what happened to someone I know who's mum died when they were very young. It created resentment towards the SM. It created angst for the child. The child grew up not know what their DM had died of, because all mention of her was forbidden. Never went to a grave/crematorium. When the child grew up and passed different milestones, every emotion was heightened because of the ghost of the dead mother. Childbirth, getting married, passing the age the DM died at etc. All took an awful lot of counselling to get through.

Don't make the DM a subject the DC are afraid or too embarassed to bring up.

Notaboutthebass · 07/10/2022 14:11

Depends how many there are and if your children have accepted the new relationship. Could they be moved to one room in the house?

C8H10N4O2 · 07/10/2022 14:12

Catlover1970 · 07/10/2022 12:10

This. Unless you are the partner of a widower these cruel posters have absolutely no idea how it feels!! This partner is probably trying to strike a balance by respecting the late wife’s memory for the children but also not creating a shrine. I am really taken aback by the nastiness. I speak from experience !!!

Show quote history

That poster selectively quoted and changed the meaning of my original post which is upthread if you want to read it. Probably says more about that poster than about my post.

We don't know what the partner is probably trying to do as they haven't really said very much about it.

billy1966 · 07/10/2022 15:28

Whywouldibeinterested · 06/10/2022 23:06

I’m a widower.
A few family photo’s with my lw around my house is non negotiable .
I absolutely will not, nor do I need to, have a relationship with a woman who does not have the emotional intelligence to understand why such photos might hang on my wall.
OP there are plenty of amazing women out there who wouldn’t have a problem. Dont settle for one who does. She is entitled to feel as she does, she just shouldn’t date a widower.

This.

Huge red flag.

Put your children first.

She should not be moving in if she has even the slightest issue with this.

Don't do this to your children.

BourbonBiscuits20 · 07/10/2022 16:04

Agree with PPs saying your partner is BU, I think you should try and speak to her (understandingly) about this and point out she is BU (not in those words!)
My FIL was married before my MIL but his previous wife was killed in a car accident. There are no photos (his choice and no dc with prev wife) but they visit her grave together and I have seen my MIL cry with him mourning her loss.
I truly hope if I was in the position that my DH had lost a previous wife that I would be a support on difficult days ie birthdays etc not try to pretend she didn't exist or try to encourage him to forget her.

LuckyLil · 07/10/2022 17:43

It isn't about the new woman and her feelings. It's your home and she was their mother.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 07/10/2022 21:43

latetothefisting · 07/10/2022 12:32

Completely depends on the number and type of the pictures.

Obviously completely getting rid of all traces of kids mother would be unreasonable.

But if its one of those houses with hundreds of photos everywhere, or you have one of those huge canvas style family portraits with all of you in the main living room or hallway then yeah sorry, I probably wouldn't like my partners ex being the focal point of my house.

If there are any just of her or of just you and her, particularly wedding ones I'd definitely take those down and just keep ones of her and the kids.

maybe explain it to the kids as a normal process of updating rooms - particulalry if you can fit it in naturally as part of redecorating e.g to repaint a room you'd have to take down all the photos so it's not such a big deal.

Explain its not that you want to get rid of photos of their mum, but the photos (of all of you) are old now we want some new ones of you the ages you are now. Keep a few fairly small ones with your ex around in various places and of course they can have as many as they want in their old rooms.

She's not his ex -she's his wife. If he remarries, she'll be his first wife, not ex-wife.

He didn't stop loving her, they didn't split up, she died, and the new girlfriend is only there because of that. We don't stop loving other friends and family when they die, so why should he be expected to stop loving and remembering his wife.

MilliwaysUniverse · 07/10/2022 22:27

DietrichandDiMaggio · 07/10/2022 21:43

She's not his ex -she's his wife. If he remarries, she'll be his first wife, not ex-wife.

He didn't stop loving her, they didn't split up, she died, and the new girlfriend is only there because of that. We don't stop loving other friends and family when they die, so why should he be expected to stop loving and remembering his wife.

Show quote history

Well said. It's really offensive to refer to someone's late partner as their ex.

bettycat81 · 07/10/2022 23:47

I was in a year long relationship with a widower, it was one of the hardest relationships I have had. I went into it thinking I would be able to handle the situation in the way so many posters here think they would. And I did....until I fell in love.

I did begin to have issues with some of the photos, particularly a wedding photo in his bedroom - having that in view when we were being intimate became a distraction, it made me feel like a mistress, he never put one of us up - yes I was jealous and I really don't think others would have felt differently. There was a shrine in the front room by the television, he would see that every night, every night that I wasn't there. The fact is the closer we became the harder this was to deal with. There was a lot more involved in the breakdown of the relationship but it certainly didn't help.

I didn't mind the motherly trinkets so much but if we had ever reached the point of blending families then my child would have needed to feel comfortable too. It's a very careful balancing act.

The new partner has feelings that should be considered and discussed. She is not the OW. She has lost relationships and a future she once dreamed of too, yet my guess is that she does not display so many of her memories (even if only for the "benefit" of her children) that led her to this point in her life.

In my experience, from this thread, forum and others, it seems widowers are put onto pedestals only a little lower than those of their late partners.... they also need to work hard, as the op seems to be trying to do here, at ensuring his current partner feels her worth. Most of us want to feel like the one and only in a relationship.

JustLyra · 07/10/2022 23:53

yet my guess is that she does not display so many of her memories (even if only for the "benefit" of her children) that led her to this point in her life.

Thats such a ridiculous comparison.

Its offensive when people compare previous relationships that ended to someone being widowed, it really is.

gogohmm · 08/10/2022 00:00

I have a picture of my exh and kids (with me too) on the wall, dp has one of his exw and the kids. No big deal. Just the one in our case, kids welcome to have more in their rooms

bettycat81 · 08/10/2022 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Derailing the thread

JustLyra · 08/10/2022 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Derailing the thread

Its very obvious why it’s an offensive comparison.

It’s funny though, it’s always someone who has a failed relationship with a widow or widower who makes it. Every time.

MilliwaysUniverse · 08/10/2022 00:33

@bettycat81 you have no idea. Neither did I until it happened to me, though. As soon as my DH died, my friends melted away. They didn't know what to say, or felt uncomfortable, but for whatever reason, I became so isolated and had nobody to turn to. If you get divorced, generally it's because you don't want to be with that partner any more. But you have the option of reconciliation, your kids haven't lost a parent, it's socially acceptable to date again in a time frame of your choice. When you are widowed you have no choice at all, and everyone has an opinion on when it's seemly to date again. My family are still disgusted with me for daring to find love again, and it's been nearly 4 years. You can't compare the two situations.

bettycat81 · 08/10/2022 00:58

I agree, there are so many variables though.

In my divorce I lost friends, my home, I went through bankruptcy, my mental health declined both in the lead up and after due to what I was put through. I was looked down on as a failure, single parent now on benefits. I couldn't date for a long time as I had no childcare. My child has an inconsistent and unreliable relationship with his father where he struggles to feel lived by his Dad.

Neither ending is clean cut and each come with their traumas. Some divorces are perfectly amicable, some deaths come to relationships that were on the rocks... My original point was that each party has a path that leads them to meet each other and for each set of children those photos could be important but that also the present situation needs to be respected and celebrated too. It's not an easy balance for anyone involved.

JustLyra · 08/10/2022 01:08

Some divorces are perfectly amicable, some deaths come to relationships that were on the rocks...

some people really will turn anything into a competition.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 08/10/2022 01:42

Most of us want to feel like the one and only in a relationship.

Then maybe, instead of making offensive comparisons between death and divorce, you could work on your own boundaries and only date people who are ready for a relationship. There were red flags all over this one, yet you carried on.

DaughterofDawn · 08/10/2022 06:19

This reply has been deleted

Derailing the thread

Lol wow just wow. Getting divorced is hard but it is not even remotely similar to someone dying. I just can't even begin. I really hope you're trolling. 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

RedWingBoots · 08/10/2022 06:22

@bettycat81 it's not the same.

Source - my mother who was a widow and then divorced.

WahineToa · 08/10/2022 07:24

@bettycat81 divorce and death are very different. My father has been through both and I can tell you, completely different. It’s so offensive to compare them that way.
they also need to work hard, as the op seems to be trying to do here, at ensuring his current partner feels her worth. Most of us want to feel like the one and only in a relationship.
yes, of course. But with children involved you are not the only mother in the family. You have to prioritise the children, both of you. Photos above the bed are clearly not respectful to the new partner. Photos in other areas of the house should never be a problem. At all. You have to remember that with death, the widow will always have the deceased partner in their hearts, and if you aren’t mature enough to understand that you shouldn’t marry a widow.