Photos of the children's deceased mother in new relationship.

[Anonintheuk]

I lost my wife 8 years ago and have three kids. My new partner thinks I am being unreasonable by having photos of the children's mother around the house, despite me putting pics of her and her kids up too as our families blend together.

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife but worry about my children if we take them down, even one by one as they never miss a trick. After all, this is their home but I will add that this is a new home that we moved to after their mother died.

This issue has come up with other potential partners too but I really want to settle now as I love my new partner dearly. It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

I agree with this.

Not many kind comments on here! Bet the poor guy wasn’t expecting such nasty comments aimed at his girlfriend who is navigating a blended family, having all the normal feelings and insecurities that come with being in a relationship with someone who in an ideal world would really wish to be with their late wife and trying to create new memories. Very harsh and simplistic

I don't see the problem, she is the children's mother.

I dated a guy who still had the odd picture of his ex in the house, his daughter was only a toddler and she liked having "mummy's photo" to look at in daddy's house.

I didn't even think about it, it was a comfort item for a small child 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry I think your new partner is being unreasonable. 🚩It is just not the same as photos of an ex lying around all over the house - this was your wife and the mother of your children who has died, and this is your children's home.

She sounds unhinged.

Ask her how she'd feel if someone insisted she couldn't have a photo of her deceased mother displayed in a frame? Your children's feelings are far more important than someone who is threatened by a photo.

Definitely don't take the pictures down, whatever you do. The needs of your children come before the wishes of your partner.

To try to see this from your partner's pov, I can see that it might be difficult for her to see the pictures and I would try to reassure her about them. But the situation is unavoidable. Having a relationship with a widower with children brings issues that wouldn't be there if you were a single childless man. If she can't accept that, it may be that you're not compatible. No one's fault.

This is what I think too. It’s as if she wants to pretend that your wife never existed and I’m not surprised it makes you feel uneasy.

She’s making this about her and how she feels and not you and your kids and your memories.

A family friend of mine saw a grief counsellor after the death of their partner who suggested ensuring the first photo(s) you see shouldn’t include your late partner (not for the reason of a new partner just to help enable moving forward) and I wonder if that might be helpful here but agree these shouldn’t be removed perhaps just rearranged a bit. Good luck

As a widow also in a new relationship, I have had to explain to him that I love my late DH very much, it doesn't mean I love my boyfriend any less, and my DH is no threat. He gets it and is comfortable talking about my DH and my grief, although he has only seen a full grief meltdown once and I behaved badly because I was upset and confused. I still wear my wedding ring (he is not bothered about that at all) and have photos of my DH up - he is my DS's dad, and I wouldn't accept anyone telling me to remove them. It is a sensitive subject, but I think the openness I have with my BF has been essential. He knows I am still grieving and probably always will. I also don't mind him talking about his ex wife, his divorce is recent and he's still recovering from how hard it was for him.

Oooh, I dunno about this, OP. I feel, as others have expressed, that your new GF is being very unreasonable with regards to this. I can't think to suggest a good compromise to be honest as it just seems so intolerant of her.
Do your kids each have memory boxes dedicated to their Mum ?

You may have a new partner but your children will only ever have one mother, even if this new partner of yours takes on a motherly role.

Your children have lost their mother. I find it hard to understand how an adult can not understand how hard that is for them. I think it is utterly inhuman of her to want these photos removed.

I will never understand how someone is uncomfortable because of pictutes of someone who is dead, and not just someone, but their step childrens mum.

I say keep the pictures up. That is your children's Mum and they don't deserve for her pictures to be removed as if she didn't exist.

What exactly it is it that makes her uncomfortable, the women is dead for goodness sake. She needs to get a grip.

Can't imagine my Mum getting rid of all traces of my Dad (who is also dead) as if he didn't exist and as if he doesn't deserve to be remembered and acknowledged. If it was down to her new partner, then I would insantly take a dislike to him.

Don't hide their mum away from them like she's something to be ashamed of.

Only someone with very limited emotional maturity/intelligence would be threatened by photographs from the past.

Change the GF, not the photos.

The feeling of children who have lost their mother take precedence over those of a new adult partner. Please don't take the photos away, she is their mother. Please have a think about if this Jew partner is going to be the right person for you and your children.

How old are the children?

I can't imagine dating a widower and having a problem with this. It's a red flag for me. Don't remove the pictures.

8-14 years old

As a child whose mother died and whose subsequent stepmothers removed everything that was pertinent to her, I would say ‘ what kind of adult goes into a child’s home and removes evidence of that child’s mother?’
An insecure person, a selfish person, the kind of person that does not make a good stepmother.
I get it that you need to look after your needs too, but maybe wait to move her in until she is feeling more secure.

Your partner loves you and your deceased wife is part of who you are and the children's identity. She can't be erased without damage. Your partner won't be able to enjoy full relationships with her new family if she insists on cutting out such a big part of you all.
At the same time it can be nerve wracking trying to fill someone else's shoes so tact is needed. Relevant photos and a balance.
But if despite the fact she is also taking her place on the walls she insists on full erasure I'd be very concerned. Mutual care for feelings is needed as in any healthy situation

You found much nicer than her OP!

What is the reason for this “discomfort”? Jealousy? Spite? Insecurity? Insensitivity? Narcissism? I can’t think of a positive reason.

If you choose to pander to this unhinged woman's insecurities over the wellbeing of your children, there is something very, very wrong.

We had photos of my husband’s late wife in our home, both on her own and family group photos. Never bothered me at all ( his children were adults, never lived with us) I’d have thought it odd if he didn’t have photos of his children’s mother around. She was obviously the most important person in his life for a long time, she sadly died quite young & later he met me. We weren’t in competition.

My grandparents were both widows when they married. Their houses always had pictures if their former spouses with and without their children. Even 50 years later. (My grandparents lived until their late 90s).

your new partner sounds horrible- your poor children!
please don't even consider it.
I'm stunned this has happened with other partners- where are you finding these women!- they all sound incredibly immature