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Original poster

Photos of the children's deceased mother in new relationship.

319 replies

Anonintheuk · 06/10/2022 22:01

I lost my wife 8 years ago and have three kids. My new partner thinks I am being unreasonable by having photos of the children's mother around the house, despite me putting pics of her and her kids up too as our families blend together.

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife but worry about my children if we take them down, even one by one as they never miss a trick. After all, this is their home but I will add that this is a new home that we moved to after their mother died.

This issue has come up with other potential partners too but I really want to settle now as I love my new partner dearly. It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
RaRaRaspoutine · 06/10/2022 23:25

She sounds like an insecure twat…

doobedooboom · 06/10/2022 23:25

Being completely honest I would hate it. But I would understand why the photos were up and I would try to accept it because I would see my feelings were irrational and the children's feelings are more important than my irrational insecurity. I would hope that somehow who loves me would let me express my insecurity and be open to talking about it as that would help me feel comfortable.

NewBlueGoo · 06/10/2022 23:26

I’m struggling to think of a reason your partner is asking this of you and your kids that isn’t immature, self-centred, paranoid, controlling and cruel.

AccountDeactivated · 06/10/2022 23:27

Why has no one wondered the only important thing- How does it benefit these traumatised kids to have dads new girlfriend and her kids moved in to their house? Specifically.

FancyFelix · 06/10/2022 23:29

I was a child in this situation and i would have been devastated if photos of my mum had been removed. Please don't do this.

HariboReckoning · 06/10/2022 23:32

Worthyornot · 06/10/2022 23:23

So what if it's a full on shrine? I don't get that? This was their MOTHER and if they want the house plastered in photos of her then the kids have every right. If a dp feels uncomfortable then that is her problem. It's the children's home FiRST before anybody else's.

Show quote history

Well, from the OP, it appears to be a blended family situation, so presumably new partner and child/ren too. So if they’re all living there, I would say a balance needs to be found, it’s not only the children’s home. I also can’t imagine, after 8 years, that having a full-on shrine to the deceased is particularly healthy, but maybe that’s just me 🤷‍♀️

LimpBiskit · 06/10/2022 23:34

Big red flag for me.

Acreativeusername · 06/10/2022 23:35

I feel I have to comment …. Please listen. I lost my mum at an early age and what effected me the most was not only the speed that my father moved on but the erasing of her from the home ( her house ) that my father swiftly moved the new gf into. Whilst I know this isn’t quite your situation… I am so pleased that you are thinking of your ( and her) children FIRST and foremost. Please continue to celebrate her, she existed, still does through your children … she is half of them. To lose a half of who you are is unimaginable . Keep the photos up, her life celebrated and your children’s identity acknowledged . Wishing you well in your new relationship 😍

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 06/10/2022 23:37

I would never make an issue with this with any partner whose spouse had died, let alone one who was mother to their children. Your family, and you, have had to come to terms with the devastating fact that a beloved wife and mother is not coming back, ever. For a new partner to want to take away even the memories of the past you shared - not that this is even possible - is awful.

Your blended family represents a future and the need to move on, but that doesn't mean you should be expected to forget her. IME, no two people love or are loved in exactly the same way, which makes jealousy of even the living pointless: but jealousy of the dead? That's quite another, and something I can't get my head around at all.

Your partner is not only being unreasonable, but IMO cruel. I've been a bereaved daughter, and even 20 years later cherish the memory of my darling mum, who died horribly, cruelly young, every day of my life.

Flowers for you.

butterfliedtwo · 06/10/2022 23:37

NoNameChangeRequired · 06/10/2022 22:15

I’m with @Newusernameaug

Show quote history

Me too. I would think carefully about this relationship.

user1496436814 · 06/10/2022 23:38

As a relatively young adult who lost my mother recently, I would be absolutely gutted if my father got in a new relationship and took the photos of them down. It’s so important for the children’s mother to still be visible in their lives through photos.

Harrystylestutu · 06/10/2022 23:38

What would you say to a friend?
I'm so sorry for you and your children's loss.
I don't know what that would be like as a child, devastating, confusing, but you can't erase your kids mum. I'm assuming you were still together when she passed?
I think if the above is true you do need to honour your late partner.
how long have you and your partner been together? are you still in touch with your inlaws?

In the bluntest of terms you are probably still in love with her, and always will be, but it doesn't mean you have to be alone. There's always room in your heart for other people

Gonewith · 06/10/2022 23:38

Put the kids needs first, always. I’m sure they find it comforting to have pictures of their mum in their home.

Personally, if a new partner took issue with this that would be the end of them.

CatsandDogs22 · 06/10/2022 23:40

My grandfather had no pictures of my grandmother because of his second wife’s preferences. His children did notice and were hurt - even though they were all adults by this point. I also only once in my entire life heard him tell a story that involved my grandmother (it was actually about my parent), who never got to meet any of her grandchildren. I almost fell off my seat when I heard him say her name. I think it is very sad and incredibly selfish requirement on the step grandmothers part.

Cancersurvivor · 06/10/2022 23:40

Your children come first, ALWAYS.

Harrystylestutu · 06/10/2022 23:41

AccountDeactivated · 06/10/2022 23:27

Why has no one wondered the only important thing- How does it benefit these traumatised kids to have dads new girlfriend and her kids moved in to their house? Specifically.

I feel that's a different issue to what OP posted 😞

Honeylover333 · 06/10/2022 23:41

OP, you mention the photos having been an issue with other potential partners. Does this mean you have large photos on display everywhere? That might be a bit overwhelming for a new partner.

Even so, though I can well understand your longing to be in a loving partnership again, I hope you aren't making a mistake. I am rather shocked that anyone, including a new partner, would object to photos of the children's mother. Is she jealous and insecure in other ways? how is she with your children?

I hope you and she can work this out in a way that works for all of you, especially all the children.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 06/10/2022 23:41

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife

I do not. She isn't an ex-wife, you are her widower. It doesn't matter how many photos you have up, she isn't coming back, and your current partner is supremely out of order to object to them being up. If you have boudoir pictures up in your bedroom, that would literally be the only unacceptable thing I can think of.

YANBU, she is being VU.

sponsabillaries · 06/10/2022 23:42

Do not proceed any further with ‘blending’ your families. You clearly have your doubts about this relationship and it sounds like your children have already been through enough. Certainly do not remove photos of their mother.

chilliesandspices · 06/10/2022 23:42

My DH lost his mum when he was in his 20s. His father has remarried. He moved into his new wife's house and they've since bought a house together. They've always had photos of DH's mum in their houses. In their current house they have a few childhood family photos, a photo from their wedding day and a photo of her alone laughing her head off on a boat with a glass of wine. I think it's lovely and it was his new wife who first suggested DFIL put the photos up.

Pinkespressomachine · 06/10/2022 23:44

Your new partner should not be dictating on a matter as sensitive as your late wife and your children’s mother in your family home.

If she isn’t mature enough to accept an enormous part of your part then I don’t see why she wishes to be with you quite honestly. You come with a past and that past is not a threat to her. I think it would be a travesty to remove evidence of the children’s mother in their own home.

DancyNancy · 06/10/2022 23:46

doobedooboom · 06/10/2022 23:25

Being completely honest I would hate it. But I would understand why the photos were up and I would try to accept it because I would see my feelings were irrational and the children's feelings are more important than my irrational insecurity. I would hope that somehow who loves me would let me express my insecurity and be open to talking about it as that would help me feel comfortable.

I think this is a very good response and insight. Hopefully your partner could ave the same insight and realise she's feeling insecure. And that you are not saying she can't feel like that. But it's very important for your kids to have pictures of their mom around I would think.
I'm sorry you had such a big loss in your family OP.
It must be very tricky to navigate all stages of the aftermath of that. Take care of each other

biscuiteer · 06/10/2022 23:47

Please put your children first when it comes to their mother. Don't move any photos -just add new ones of you and your new partner too with your family as your memories build. I'd worry if this causes more than a discussion between you n partner as that would be a red flag for me too. It's not about them.

verytired42 · 06/10/2022 23:47

Please don’t do this to your kids. My mum and dad did it to my (half) siblings (children of my dad and his late first wife). And wouldn’t let them talk about her. It is so sad for them and I think pretty cruel of my parents. You can’t just erase someone who loved them.

LightDrizzle · 06/10/2022 23:47

Oh heavens! You must have lost your wife soon after she had your youngest. That must have been so hard for you💐

I feel for you and particularly for your children. The dynamic may be different in your family but our late friend’s youngest struggles with the fact that she doesn’t really have first hand memories of her dad, unlike her siblings. She is particularly keen to hear stories about him; the things they used to do together, his pet names for him and his and sayings. She’s having to construct a sense of his dad who loved her from photos, precious video clips, and everyone else’s recollections. It’s so, so sad for all of them but I find the idea of being unable to remember your loving mum or dad particularly heart breaking. The older she gets, the more aware she is of what she’s missed out on.

Your gf could be funny, a good friend to her friend and partner to you, but if after you explain to her she either doesn’t get it or can’t control herself getting moody about it, then she is very dim and/or selfish and lacking empathy.