Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

@Emptyinsidetothecore sorry to hear the mediation isn't going well, stbexh will always throw a spanner in the works.. rise above it and stand firm. Mine seems to think because I'm actually going along Ok I must be fucking someone else! 🙄 I have absolutely no intention of doing so ever after such a massive break in trust!! It's his birthday this week, I'm giving zero fucks and will just get the kids to call him and say happy birthday - box ticked.

Weekend was hard without the kids, collected them yesterday from the house - it's a bloody tip! Exh looks unkept however I'm wondering if this is deliberate because rewind a little while back and he was buying new clothes (including pants) 🚩 to impress his new skirt.. I fear I'm having another rage / anger stage. His birthday is a trigger. Whilst working away (overseas) for his 50th we were supposed to visit and holiday together as a family. Needless to say that didn't happen, he did however have a big party with all his ex pat friends and live in girlfriend and sent me a picture of him in his new t-shirt minus his wedding ring.. the first seed of doubt planted. I feel like I have a best selling book inside me but the sad fact is this was my life collapsing around me. Something I will never forgive. 😔

He sounds a delight @rockingbird What an absolute cock for accusing you of sleeping with someone else! The audacity.
There is definitely a hidden book inside you but as you say, it’s your life, not an episode of Coronation Street, which makes it all the more depressing.

I am missing DC too. I had them for a couple of hours yesterday and they seemed down when I dropped them back off. I don’t think it was being with their dad, more the situation and wanting to be with us both at the same time.

Have you told your DC about OW? The is the aspect we’re disagreeing on. There’s a whole load of context and definite reasons to tell them ( risk they’ll find out) but he doesn’t want me with them when he does (and he’s delaying). Think he thinks I have a hidden agenda but I just want to be able to say to DC that I’m ok (obviously I’m not) with dad moving on, so they don’t feel like they can’t talk to me & be in the room when he does it. I don’t trust him to tell the truth.

I feel for all of you having troubles with your stbx I’m very lucky we still get on ok I’m actually meeting him for 10 minutes 0n Thursday at bingo opposite my old home just so he can hand over some kitchen bits gravy jug things like that my sonic screwdriver bottle opener. He also knows no grumpiness with me now. Or rudeness any and I’ll immediately stop any conversation. His parents ignore me I ignore them since they blocked me three months ago I no longer care. They’ve showed their childish side. Hugs all of you may you have a good weeks. Handhold too.

@Emptyinsidetothecore I've told my children the watered down truth. Basically dad decided to live a double life whilst working away and mum just cannot forgive that level of deceit. We've had many discussion on lies and being truthful it's a massive thing for me. My son said something that made me well up.. three things will always come out.. the sun the moon and the truth. He's a wise one.. and very bloody right.! I haven't gone into the whole sorry state but I needed them to know why we left, why we are now a three instead of a four. The irony of all this is he did it to his previous wife and the children were told it was all lie made up by mum.. it wasn't. I won't let him do that to me and my children.

I had a weird weekend, went to centerparcs with my friend, was meant to be a little mini break with H. I surprisingly felt ok, didn't miss him but was walking past lodges and all these families were in in xmas jumpers decorating gingerbread houses, opening wine, laughing etc.. it was like something out of a movie! I reminded myself that I had all that, now its a different chapter of my life and I'm determined to take the kids there next Christmas and do all that with just us 4. He would have only played along anyway or sat on his phone. The barrier I have is knowing who I am without him. I still talk about him a lot (negatively). I think thats why they say it takes 2 years. 2 years to rediscover who we are away from life as a wife. Reprogramming our brains. I just keep annoyingly saying "I wish I had a crystal ball".. because I do! We'll be ok, we're strong women 💪

I'm 5 years in now and still taking things day by day emotionally as I thought my 20 year marriage was for life but he started lying and cheating towards the end and doing weird things. I definitely have trust issues and haven't dated again.
I'm 60 so not really looking for another partner.
Financially I'm sorted, I owned the house before I met him so he couldn't have it, any of it. He tried to get half but the courts said no for that reason, he got a few thousand and was pretty pissed off. He always told me he'd never try to take my home so again the trust has been wrecked.
Luckily for me he was dick blind with the new woman at the time so didn't really claim what he could have, he just wanted to be gone and be with her. I took that opportunity to get the consent order signed and sealed and he just agreed to everything.
I have a great job and a really good pension which for some reason he didn't go for. We have a clean break settlement so he can't come back for any more.
All the way through I didn't lose my financial common sense thank God.
I did however move across country and applied for a new job as the memories where I was were too raw and I just couldn't bear to live there any more.
It was a really good move and I have lots of friends here.
I shall continue with my retirement plans and I'm training for a retirement career which I can do from home.
Part of me is sad I have nobody to retire with but i've made a good life for myself and I have DS and my pets.

I'm so sorry butterfly - that sounds really hard. Its a shock when the family you thought you had suddenly isn't there any more. But we are tough and will survive.

I just mooched around a Christmas Market at the weekend and read the new Graham Norton book. I'm not feeling very sociable but I think it's partially because I spent a lot of time around my husband and his drinking buddies earlier in the year. In 2023 I'm going to look for something to join that doesn't involve alcohol and where I might meet some new people.

My weekend was ok. One of the things I now fear is that my health started to go downhill post separation- I am chronically ill and may lose more mobility. The future feels uncertain - nobody to help me. My family are a long way away as are friends. I suppose you can never rely on anyone and any relationship can collapse at any point.

I'm actually spiralling 😪 it really hit me that hes messaging another woman, shouldn't have but looked and saw that hes constantly on telegram so I deleted it. I also deleted instagram. I went on a hunt of her trying to find her husband to tell her (although I think shes just enjoying the attention off my hubby and won't leave hers as she didn't at the start of the year when he left). Anyway, I am mad spiralling considering messaging her and her children so the children tell the dad 🙈 or find her address and turn up and tell him (I messaged him years ago on fb over the same thing). Shall I message or be dignified?

I found him on Facebook (well my friend did, I'm not on fb), do I message him and ruin my husbands fun as she will have to stop messaging him and he will be pissed off. Or do I let karma do its thang.. arghh.

@ThePredictableScript keep the kids out of it.. if you have proof message the man but only share what you know to be true.

@ThePredictableScript
I re read your posts as couldn’t remember where you’re at/context. This is really early days for you, so my advice would be to not message OW’s husband.

What is it going to achieve for your personally?

I assume H has left you now? Is he living somewhere else?

It is the brutal reality that there’s no going back now. Your relationship is no salvageable, unless you know differently? He’s cheated on you earlier in the year, he’s come back, and he’s still texting another woman. This is not a person you need in your life.

Despite the gut wrenching brutalness of it all, try to get to acceptance of it being over, and don’t act on things because you’re hurting.

I saw a good quote the other day and it’s worth remembering:
Growth is deleting the entire paragraph and sending, OK.

With all your energy, put your efforts into healing yourself, not trying to “win” the battle.

I have been (still am) where you are. It caused me more anxiety trying to catch him out and wasn’t healthy. Whilst I don’t regret what I did, I am in a much better place from disengaging with the reasons for our marriage ending.

@ThePredictableScript I think you have been given good advice. But it's got to be so hard for you.
In the long run, I think you'll find keeping your dignity in this one will be the best thing - you will look back with pride that you didn't get involved with OW's family.
I admit had my ex done that I would also feel like wanting revenge. But I think karma will do its thing for you.
Now is the time to focus on you. Try to look after yourself. Where possible surround yourself with friend and family and go out and do things. Get a new hobby, go to the gym, the cinema, do whatever you can to find something positive to focus on - even if it's for only an hour or two a day.

@ThePredictableScript Hi, I’ve been where you are, only the OW wasn’t married, she is a colleague of my now ex husband. I too spiralled and I did message her and I tell you, if I could turn back the clock , I wouldn’t do it.

She knew what she was doing with my husband was wrong and she did it anyway- for her the secrecy and drama fuelled her and made her feel like she was better than me and had won some great prize.

My advice, bide your time- they are not loves young dream and their fantasy will unravel and, you won’t entertain the thought of him being near you.

I know the pain you’re in, but trust me there will be brighter days ahead, you just have to wade through this tough bit to get there.. and you will!

Aw thanks guys💐 I woke up this morning feeling better. I genuinely don't think shes interested in hubby as at the start of the year when he fled after me asking if he was messaging someone, she never met up with him when he was single. I think she just likes the attention and flattery. I wanted her husband to stop the messages and laugh at my husbands fun being stopped/bubble being popped but then again I think it will happen naturally like it did start of the year.. think she probably backed off then started messaging again and the change in him was so weird when she appeared again. I will continue to focus on me and take the high road. Usually I'm Mrs Obsessively Texting trying to get answers/resolve. Now I know its over, he can't be trusted. Its such a roller coaster isn't it! Its good to think of the spirals/compulsions as contractions and just sit with them and wait for them to pass.. they always do. How is everyone today?

I am struggling too, emotionally and very worried about finances. Found another cleaning job for Sunday's at a hotel, but minimum wage. I just don't know what to do, husband still here waiting for our mortgages on the houses to go through so he can move into his new house. I am a nervous wreck walking on eggshells, I can't get my head around the complete personality change and coldness. He wouldn't so much as let me lift a shopping bag, now he happily watches me struggle to carry loads firewood into the house. I am just so alone and scared, will it be worse when he has gone. I never thought at 59 I would be scratching around for minimum wage work when I have helped him run his business for 12 years.

@butterflyandbees I think it will be easier for you when he is gone. No more looking at and being mistreated by the man you used to love. He is cruel and unkind to remain there so long.
I too was your age and worried about finances but then I decided that I could only focus on what I could control.
Good for you that you got another job. Maybe look for a better paid one or increase your hours if possible. Check to see what benefits you can qualify , single person Council Tax discount bring one.

Reach out to family and friends for support and comfort if you can . You will be OK 👍

I'm struggling today. I found out yesterday that exH arranged to go out for a drink with someone who actually tried splitting us up when we first got together 18yrs ago. I can't believe he has split our family up like this. Im two months in and was doing ok, but am feeling like crap today. It's gonna be a terrible Xmas but have to try and remain happy for the kids. It's so tough.

@bethatgirl oh he's scraping the barrel digging up a past crush. I'd say it's the duck brain engaged .. the one thing some men seem not to be able to control. We've just had a heated discussion about Christmas.. I'm not backing down, my boys stay with me. He gave up that right when he chose his dick over his family. Happy to fight in court this time next year! No doubt by then he'll some new pole dancer to play with. 😵‍💫 feeling angry today..

Hugs all of you.

That sounds really difficult @butterflyandbees I think the coldness and personality change is written in the “script” of how ex’s behave to make you feel even worse. They turn off their emotions to compartmentalise the situation eg “I don’t love you, you meant nothing to me, I don’t need to show you any type of niceness because I don’t want you in my life.” As I said in a previous post, it’s very brutal and makes us feel very unloved.

We have to remember we ARE loved; by our friends and family.

The feeling of walking on egg shells is anxiety. Try and take yourself away from the situation where possible and completely disengage with him. You are not alone - once he’s out of the house, it’ll feel strange but oddly empowering.

I would love a real or virtual meet up with some of you! It feels oddly strange we have so many similar experiences and understand how each other are feeling.

It will be a Christmas that you must make new traditions. It’s important that you do because the things you’ve done before won’t be the same and will be triggering.

Of course it’ll be difficult but don’t let him ruin it for you and your DC. It sounds like you’ve done well so far, a bad day is normal - I hope you’ve been kind to yourself (my bad day was Sunday night/Monday. Was adamant I wasn’t going to let him fuck my anxiety up again just as I’d got it controlled - I just keep going for walks! I hate them prior but once I’m out, it does calm me.

This is The Script original thread which has been referenced a few times

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

The only possible reason for his anger is the fact that he’s probably trying to cover something up and blame it on you. And the more he does it he seems to enjoy the control more and more. He’s loving the control of the whole thing upset you, it just actually gives him some sort of sick boost to his self-esteem. And then when he raises his voice and he sees that you’re so apologetic and sorry he enjoys it that much more. Don’t give him the benefit. Harden up. Matter of fact, say well if we can spend 16 years together that’s the least you could do. Give some of it back. It seems to me that you are perpetually polite to a blatant dickhead. Don’t do that. Perhaps it’s like a survival thing, but it does you no favours. If he once had a heart, that was short lived. He’s actually a very coldhearted person to be behaving the way he is. And that does not come out of nowhere.

That means that his initial kindness was just fake charm. You don’t need to break your heart to do it again and again. You actually deserve somebody better and treated as if it is time to fly. Perhaps even go as far as saying well I mean is it going to be really difficult part in someway I look forward to finding more about myself. And to growing in ways in which I could not have grown with you. Don’t be nasty, but take some of the control bag, please promise me.

your husband is the sort of person that one day will come and say to you which is too agreeable for me, this new person so answer knows who they are. Don’t give him that benefit. Stand your foot down and remember you are whole person worth loving. Maybe it’s just your luck that you don’t have to have a psychopath in your life and that he has let you go. The most difficult thing about this guys is the fact that they will only let you go when it’s on their terms. Called hottest kind of guys usually stalk people for ages. So you are actually super lucky. Good riddance to him. Don’t need to bug to be loved, I am sure that being a nice person you will find love. And don’t be scared of the few months that you will have to go without. Focus on you.