Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

2.5 years in and he's still not provided the financial info needed to divorce. He has the house, my life savings, my car and most of my stuff.
I am in rented, became disabled due to a long standing health issue and lost a lot of people I thought were friends.
Life is incredibly lonely and being late 40s already, I'm too old and ill to start again. I have had to accept this is it - I'll be on my own forever.

My conditional order is being granted on the 21st Dec, we can apply for the final order on 2nd Feb. Had the email this morning. Hoping the relatively uncomplicated finances will get approved by the 2nd. And I will finally be free of the piece of shit. I have an end date. It's almost over 🥳😭😭😭

So much mixed pain and strength in this thread. Today he tells me he has found a house to move to, in the North. Apart from a holiday to Scotland he has never been in the North of England. Buying this property sight unseen. These crazy plans he is making have stunned and shocked me, he was always the most careful person, he has no idea of the house or the location. I am worried about everything, I love him so much yet he says he can't feel any love coming from me. I am in so much emotional pain it takes my breath away. I wish I could say the same as you all and be glad to see the back of him, but I just want him to change back to the man I know.

I think it's very normal to just be wishing that your husband would turn back into the man you used to know, @butterflyandbees. I think I spent most of the last ten years doing that, it's not easy to let go.

I’ve found the thread I need to be on. I can feel the strength in all the posts, and how fascinating the similar behaviours following the man’s feeling of guilt (changing narrative, using historic events to justify decisions to leave)

I as really early days and each day is difficult but a minuscule better than the day before. I was asked today if I’d have him back if all of a sudden he changed his mind, and my answer surprised me as it was a no. I’ve been so focussed on how he did it, how I caught him out and his denial of the OW (despite evidence) that I don’t believe I’m missing him; I’m missing my life with him as a family unit and I’m missing (what I thought) was the kind and good man I married.

I am encouraged by those 12-18 months post separation, and wish I could fast forward, but also feel I need to go through this ‘journey’ to explore why I accepted certain things in my marriage and in a partner for so long.

I’m 3 weeks into finding out he’s been having an affair. He’s desperate to stay together (he would be). I don’t see a future with him, but I’m terrified of being a single parent and I don’t know where we would even start with living arrangements. Kids are 7 and 9. The choices are 1) stay together so the kids have a stable home (but I’ll be miserable) 2) separate but then the kids will have to live between two houses which they will hate. Both choices are bloody grim. I cannot believe I’m in this situation. 😥

Whatfreshhell, I know its a cliché but staying for the kids rarely works. That was the main reason I took mine back in April and we spent 7 months arguing (never previously argued in front of the kids). There was so much resentment and bad feeling. When I told them 2 weeks ago that me and their Dad had separated again (we only nipped to the xmas markets when I'd seen the text), they had massive smiles, my eldest started playing football with a sock, he was giddy. A massive sense of relief shown on their faces. I'm happy though in a way that they saw us struggle and are now happier we are apart (in contrast to January when their perfect family got ripped apart). If you took him back you would spend a lot of your life playing detective, insecure, traumatised and in a prison. He also likely would do it again. The family as you knew it has died I'm afraid. Going between 2 houses is not all bad, I did and loved it, I had so much fun.

@ThePredictableScript thank you. I know you’re right about the resentment and bad feeling. Got couples counselling tomorrow and solicitor consultation the day after so hopefully can start moving towards. Doesn’t life suck sometimes.

Placemarking for comfort

The same!!! It would be so much easier if he was a bastard and I hated him, but I don't. So. Much. Sadness. It's hard to cope.

How’s everyone doing?

I had mediation today. It was so difficult. I was so anxious prior and leading up to it, physically shaking and dry mouth. It’s started the process of separating formally, so I have to see it as a milestone met. Lots discussed and felt I got my points across well. He is not the man I married. So blasé with his accusations toward me and my behaviours - which are wholly justified IMO (and the mediators) given the cruelness of how he went about ending our marriage.

He had the audacity to say I was making him paranoid and anxious. How about don’t have an affair and not tell me the truth, and expect me not to find evidence. I called him naive to think I wouldn’t find out information and if he’s feeling only a snippet of my anxiety, he’ll hopefully appreciate where my head is at.

One saving grace is we are in agreement over DC and he is now telling them about the new relationship (multiple reasons why this is a good thing, can’t go into detail why) so we’ve agreed on how that is to be done.

The mediator very much pushes the amicable / no blame relationship for the sake of the children - there’s so much evidence to back up this having positive outcomes on children. As a child of divorced parents, I know the (negative) impact it can have. Does anyone have any experience or practical tips to share how you made it as ‘normal’ as possible for the children, and them turning out ok? My biggest fear is DC turning against him (for what he’s done) or me (for not telling them the full truth earlier) and the psychological impact of our decisions.

EmptyInside, I'm not at that point yet so hopefully others will come along with some practical advice. My kids are 9,11,12 and sort of text and ask what time hes coming on his days(unpredictable hours at work). Then we text business via our colleague and personal via my mum. Its all very immature tbh. I hope in time, as feelings die down we can be amicable for the children, I hope so anyway. In fact I will be because its in their best interest that we do. I shall grit my teeth and smile. In a few months though, I need to simmer down first and have space. What a low belly snake your husband is. Why do they rarely just hold their hands up without twisting it! At least you are now free from him, you now know who is he and what hes capable of. Always remember that at your hardest times. Our futures are so bright without these sly, selfish, snakey "men".

What is the script please? I feel like mine was reading it too…

Hi all,

I am coming up to this moment I think. Those whose husband was having an affair, Can I ask if you all felt your relationships had become stale or did it blindside you?

Mine had an affair a year ago and it absolutely blindsided me. I didn’t think there was much wrong with our relationship. Obviously there was!

I have tried to move on but I can’t. I just can’t go back to how it was before so I’m done. I plan to tell him shortly but I think he knows what’s coming as the arguing has ramped up.

@CYT67 blind sighted too. Had a few problems over the years but nothing I didn’t think we’d get through. Perhaps grown apart, but I’ll never know now if the problems were fixable. He said he was unhappy for 12 months, but didn’t tell me. Then told OW instead.

I always viewed infidelity and being honest about heads turned as a huge discussion point- if one of us wasn't happy, talk about it.

He wasn’t honest. He tried to be but didn’t elaborate nor tell me about the OW, and then ended things, with me finding out of the OW later. Caught him out and that wasn’t in his plan (as made him leave the house, and I think he thought we’d live together once he’d confirmed we’d separate with no one else involved)

I could never go back because of the trust is broken. It’s over. And actually, he doesn’t love me, brutal as that is, he’s told me that. It’s fucking painful. My body aches from anxiety, and multiple emotions that I’m trying to work through with a therapist. I’m exhausted and just want to be put to sleep for 6 months and wake up and be refreshed and a new woman!

Blind sided by my husband wanting divorce. No hints that anything was untoward and a holiday booked for xmas. Today he tells me that the property he looked at online, he is now in the process of buying!! He wants mortgage on joint house to be in my sole name, so he can go by mid January. The stress is just immense, the fear of the future, the loneliness, seeing the man I love become this strange, scary person. He was berating his deceased mother last night, the one person he has always adored and never had a bad word about. Using swear words a lot more frequently than he has ever done. I am walking on eggshells to keep this as pleasant as possible.

Mine live 50/50 between us and it's been 18 months now. I promise they do adjust. Yes, they have their sadness and of course wish they didn't have two houses. But in these moments they are reassured both parents love them very much, and we are always here to listen to their feelings and opinions. In my moments of guilt (I was the one who ended the relationship and asked for divorce), I remind myself this is not my making, it's the doing of their selfish prick of a father and one day they will be able to form their own opinion of him.

@butterflyandbees is he having some kind of breakdown do you think? Sounds very odd behaviour what you describe.

CYT67 I feel ya. Its horrible isn't it when its just not the same. Its like living in a parallel universe. Its such a weird feeling. I was just looking back at my lapland pics from last year and thought "wow you had no idea what was to come", in such a bubble. Once that bubble has popped its hard to get back. We went on another once in a lifetime holiday in September and it was awful, just constant arguing, I kept walking off, it was so toxic. I still feel very free atm, just like I said worried financially. If only I had a crystal ball! 🔮 I am very excited to start dating.. although I've been warned its grim out there! Still excited though. Ah naivety 😁

Good luck in your dating I personally won’t no more men for me I’ve had up to here with them.

Yes I truly believe it is some sort of mental health, due to him deciding to work 18 hour days 7 days week in our business, no reason for this, to me it was like he was self harming. Won't see a doctor or speak to anyone, all I get is that "he wants to be alone" I can't see myself having a relationship again, been watching Dirty John and scaring myself what men can do.

@ThePredictableScript yes exactly that. I have found myself cringing recently when he tries smarting around me.

@butterflyandbees Very odd.

@butterflyandbees has anybody else noticed a big change in him? It does sound like he's having a mental health crisis.

In some ways he sounds like my husband, when I threw him out for drinking he stopped cold turkey and he's been totally out of control since. Straight after we broke up he went to the bank and tried to get a mortgage. Luckily it went nowhere because our main account was a joint one. It was a scary incident though. Are you sure that your husband can get a mortgage on his own before your finances are sorted?

Also apologies if I'm being too nosy and asking too many questions, sending you good wishes and a hand hold.

Butterfly.. it sounds like the predictable script to me unfortunately. Especially being gone 18 hour days. We always think its their "mental health", it rarely is.