Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

I am having such a positive week and hope it means I've started to turn the corner.

Good to hear @Lieslies it’s always good to acknowledge the positives

I know I’m generally happier after the split. I felt like a massive weight had lifted.
It was an amicable split, and ExH and I definitely get along better as friends, and coparent well.
But yeah, particularly around this time of year, the guilt sets in a bit. Guilt that I took my DCs away from what was on the surface the “perfect family” - married mum and dad, a nice house, a comfortable income, family car, family pet etc even though I know I did the right thing by leaving before the resentment set in, and the environment became toxic for everyone.
ExH will sleep on my sofa on Christmas Eve so he’s here with the DCs on Christmas morning, and he’ll spend Christmas Day here with us - which will be absolutely fine. We genuinely get on better as mates that we ever did as a married couple. So I know that it’s much healthier for the DCs to see us getting along the way we do now…but I don’t think I’ll ever quite let go of the guilt that I was the one to break up the family unit.

Thats good Lieslies..how long has it been since you split?
Ringmaster thats amazing that you walked away before causing a toxic atmosphere in the house, try to feel proud rather than guilt. The material things and fake appearances aren't better than having peace in your childrens home and 2 happy parents. Its great you can have him stay over xmas eve. I couldn't yet but its too raw obviously. Ex was telling the kids last night which 3 days he will likely have them per week and a potential house, it did make me feel a bit anxious/triggered but definitely just think thats the ego talking. Like how dare he be ok with moving on, I was good to him but then I think about it and am glad hes taking steps as our marriage was dead and toxic in the end. Its good though to be aware of how much is ego vs love.

Good for you well done I’m so happy today it’s December I’m really enjoying life now. We get on ok he has to be polite as he still needs advice etc about bills etc. but no more grumpiness when I think back to this time last year I can’t believe the difference.

One thing I find odd - my DC think my ex is dating again. I would like him to be happy and to have a fufilled life just not with me. But I just felt a bit weird about it - the thought of someone you promised to spend the rest of your life with is happy with someone else - and I want him to find someone else.

Garysmum, I think thats normal. I just think its another step to healing. We spent years with them being ours, expecting them to be faithful that I think its a bit ingrained in us, then we think about it and we know we're ok with them dating. Thats how I feel about my ex getting his own place, like a anxious trigger but then I rationalise it and I'm fine. I think its normal. What a shitty time for us all to be going through this around Christmas! May next years Christmas be the best ever.

My husband isn't out working in an office as we run our web business from home and share a car, we also live in a very rural area, think Welsh hillsides rural. HIs mortgage is apparently sorted, so he had been planning this because it takes longer than the 12 days since he broke the news to me, both to have a survey and get a mortgage. His behaviour is not "out" to other people as such because he is a loner with only one friend and he has hardly said a word to him. Neither of us has any family at all, we were a family until he decided that is no longer his agenda. Each day is getting harder and harder to deal with. 2 weeks ago I would have said we had a secure and happy marriage.

How is everyone today? I had to text him today regarding work as it was about finances so couldn't go through our colleague. Kept it professional but it definitely stirred things up for me. Started reading back old messages. Why am I so trauma bonded to this toxic man who I don't even like or trust! Hopefully time is all I need.

The conditional order was applied for today, by him. He did as promised and waited so the final bit wont fall on my birthday. Still devastated

@ThePredictableScript sorry to hear you were triggered.

@Dreamer1989 at least he’s done that for you. Hope you’re ok.

How you all finding sharing the kids? This is a massive one for me! I should be delighted to have the weekend to myself.. sadly quite the opposite! I dread them going off on a Friday every other week. Finding stuff to do alone to keep me busy isn't easy, I just feel so lost!! ☹️

@rockingbird sorry to see you’re awake early too 😉 I’m the same as you, hate not being with DC. Strangely with work, I might have to stop away and it didn’t bother me as much, but now, I can’t stand it. Our normally busy, vibrant and loud house is eerily silent for 2-3 days and as I’m not working, I just hear the clock ticking and every single noise that shits me up! I miss DC so much during that time, that’s the part that’s hurting the most.

It's awful isn't it @Emptyinsidetothecore! I'm going to try an busy myself with Christmas shopping/organising this weekend. The home just feels so empty with them, I resent that I have this feeling because of his selfish choices. Christmas is looming and my stbexh is trying to get me to negotiate 'what we are doing for Christmas' if he asks me one more time I might just explode! What I really want to say to him is 'you gave up any rights to what we do at Christmas when you lived a double life for 18 months with that kazak whore in another country' 😆 he doesn't get to choose, I do. Quite happy to fight it in court, I'm never giving up my children at Christmas because of his selfish dick brain choices.

@rockingbird yep, utterly shit. Totally relate to Christmas set up but perhaps I’m being reasonable. I’ve said dc stop here Christmas eve and Christmas night, we can open presents together here, and he can have them for a couple of hours mid afternoon. I’m not happy with it, but DC also want to see their dad and I don’t want him here all day.

😂 Kazac whore! My STBEH said in a meeting this week that he sees a future relationship with OW but she nearly didn’t see one based on my behaviours in the last week. Oh fucking hell, let me find my tiny violin and create a pity party for the home wrecking whore, who’s actively pursued a married man. I nearly throttled him - what a tosser!

So sorry you're struggling rockingbird. It's a weird thing to not only be on your own for days but also give up control about what your kids are doing/how they are being parented at their other house. It's been a gradual thing for me over time, to learn to let go - exH is equally their parent and that's okay if I don't know what they're doing etc. We always have a good conversation about their weekends with dad when they come back to me. We do 50/50 and I do now appreciate my child free time (I work full time too). But I'm always very ready to pick them up on my next day with them! You do learn to enjoy your time without them even when you miss them too. I've found myself again, just being me - no exH and no kids attached. And that's been a lovely aspect of this journey because its given me my confidence back.

@rockingbird sorry to hear you’re struggling without the kids. I did find the silence eerie at first but to be honest quite enjoy the break now as my kids are very young and quite a handful. Do you have any hobbies you enjoy, or anything you could do to relax and distract yourself, like starting some kind of class?

Well done for standing your ground over Christmas x

@Stayingstrongish I plan to get back into my swimming. I'm member of the gym which has a wonderful outdoor heated pool.. 20 lengths and a steam session is calling this weekend. Stbexh has called today to ask if I'd like to go for dinner with him and the boys Saturday night 🤷🏼‍♀️ erm no.. he seems to be struggling with me having freedom (it was a very controlled marriage).. like I'm out dancing on tables ffs!!

@rockingbird swimming and steam sounds perfect to relax you!

I went for meals/coffee with my ex a couple of times after he invited me and it never went that well, we just ended up arguing. Think you have made the right call by saying no!

He’s got a nerve no well done you the swimming sounds wonderful.

I really feel for those of you struggling with co parenting. I don't have children, I can understand the rage though, you are all wonderful mother tigers protecting your beautiful children from men who find it easy to lie and cheat. My house will be so empty and lonely when he goes, his house purchase is going through, bought sight unseen, whoever does that!! I'm keeping the peace as usual, not adding any more stress to this situation. I have my cats for company, my hairless sphinx feels just like a new born, super soft, warm skin, so I hold her close and she gives me some comfort. The future dread and fear is horrible at times. Looking for more cleaning work or anything I can find. I will manage on very little, but it won't be fun watching every penny. Any tips on how you manage would be fantastic.

This Xmas will be so much better. First year without him was very strange . I absolutely wanted him to leave but was stuck as he had no place to go. No feelings for him beside hate when I discovered his cheating. Mostly because the way he made me feel . I was worried about him as he was so distant and miserable, and all the time , he was reinventing himself on dating sites . A simple conversation with me and I would have gladly said to go away and do your thing . He was regarded as the most unlikely guy to do this . I no longer recognise him as my husband of more than 30 years . Ironically, he is on his own , unhappy and my adult DCs have cut him off completely.
Meanwhile, I am in the house. Finances are not stable but adequate and I will manage. I never thought I would ever be OK at the beginning of all this. MNers assured me that in time I would be in a better place. They were right about that. I hope you get all the strength to get through this , get what you and your DCs deserve and enjoy the rest of your life.

Same to you and all of us I too am happier this Christmas so much I can’t believe it.

I'm about 9 weeks post separation after being blindsided with my husband having an affair. I had my suspicions, got my evidence and told him to leave.
He will only admit to sending text messages to OW, because that's what I found, but nothing else. He stayed in hotels with her for work, one time refusing to tell me where he was staying! So it very much was a physical relationship!
My emotions are all over the place. This is not where I thought I'd be. I thought my life was sorted forevermore. It's tough, but also I am not going to be a doormat.

How was everyone’s weekend?

I felt I was just turning a corner anxiety-wise following mediation last week but no, STBEH decides he doesn’t agree with one aspect he’d agreed last week, and additionally that the mediator is impartial 🙄 I feel like this is somewhere hidden in the script of how to split up and cause as much pain and hurt as possible.

Thankfully I have an amazing group of family/friends around me who managed to calm me down last night and made me delete the huge paragraph I wanted to send, and respond with, ‘fine, tell the mediator how you feel’.

I don’t get him at all. He hates being told what to do, so because the mediator agrees with me on something, the mediator is impartial?!

Something which looks so small to other people, has knocked me sideways anxiety wise again. I haven’t slept, stomach in knots, dry mouth, on/off toilet. I literally want to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over.