Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

Butterflies really try to look at him with indifference if you can.. or disgust. Try not to give him what he wants which is to see how loved he is by you. Try and draw strength from us all on this thread who are at times falling apart but putting on our armour in front of the dickheads who wronged us. I was so tempted again today to message him/her/her hubby.. went on a massive meltdown but once again rode the contraction and now I'm again calm and rational I'm so happy I refrained. Indifference is the best revenge😎 @bethatgirl I'm happy that you stood your ground! @Emptyinsidetothecore walks really are the best aren't they! Happy you didn't allow him to hijack your mind and you didn't spiral♥️

Definitely message the man. Let her fight for her own marriage, will keep her nice busy and depressed

Can I join please. My dh of 20 years and father to 3 kids left just over 3 months ago. No mention of another but wouldn't be surprised if one is lurking. I really don't care..i feel sorry for her. Was giddy with relief at first but now sick with anxiety over finances. Trying to negotiate house and pensions and he is being as difficult as he can. Was trying to do it without a solicitor due to astronomical costs but it's not possible so will have to instruct again...bye bye £3k😥 although in long run it might be worth more so.

I would just message the husband. I would want to know if it was the other way around.

And Butterflies, sadly and horribly for you..the man you thought you knew is gone. He's not coming back, if he was ever there in the first place. It sounds horrendous for you but you will need to steel yourself somehow. I am lucky that mine left as I don't need to have him in the house... And he was never great... He's just turned into more of an asshole or at least, one that everyone can see.

The message that I saw was from our works insta acc that he used.. he messaged saying "you've won a free garage door" (lets say thats what we sell.. we don't) and she said "sorry I don't qualify".. so the message was nothing. I have no proof of anything else. I caught him texting but he quickly deleted at the start of the year (so no proof) and he fled saying he was having a MLC. They never met up and I think the texting must have fizzled out hence him coming back. He got caught again but this time properly and again fled. I doubt she is as invested as he is as he would have met her in a heartbeat. If it was physical I would tell the hubby but at this point I'm not gonna stress myself over it. My boundary was him never having secret contact with her again after what happened years ago.. so its done for me. I can't trust him. If she wanted him he would be gone. @whichwayisup such a shame you have had to go down the solicitor route, at least though it will be less stress hopefully. They rarely play fair.

Thank you @Emptyinsidetothecore and @rockingbird. It really does help to know that others are going through the same thing.

New Xmas traditions is such a good idea and will definitely do that.

I've been walking the dog everyday, which I did anyway but I've been going more and at different times which has really helped so walking is a good thing!

Still feel rubbish and hope it's not the start of a downward spiral. Want to feel how I did last week. Hope you're all feeling good today X

@whichwayisup I also feel worried about finances because we need to review those in the NY and I just don't know what to do, what is the norm, what I should pay. At the moment I pay very little towards anything but I have a good job and can and will do so, it's just knowing what to do? Whether to just divorce and go through solicitors?

I was thinking divorce and show everyone that I am strong and won't take any crap from anyone, or, cheating, but after reading that predictable script thread, am thinking not to give him the satisfaction.

Have you looked into mediation services? If you google your town/county and mediation, there will be a few pop up.

Depending upon STBEH’s willingness, mediation will help set a plan for formal separation and divorce in the future. The mediator meets with you both individually and then together to agree whatever needs agreeing, eg current living situation, short term finances, DC living arrangements / nights over, long term finances.

STBEH suggested this and I was reluctant at first but our mediator has been brilliant. She’s understood I’m not ready yet to progress divorce paperwork and just need a bit more time.

The process so far (we started it early, so only a month in) has helped me prepare and be practical in my thinking, for example I had a zoom with a mortgage advisor to see if I could stay in our family home (I can). I’ve also pulled my pension report and researched STBEH pension. I have gone through all outgoings (direct debits) cancelling non essential ones and moving my personal ones out of our joint account. Also set up my own account too, moved my wages into that one, not the joint.

When you say you don’t contribute much but can, I’d highly recommend getting your ducks in a row. Do a budget planner, current income and outgoings just on your own wages. List all your assets (equity in house, savings, pensions) and all your debt (mortgage, credit card, loans). In theory, starting point is 50/50 but it isn’t as straight forward as that. DC location over night is important in terms of how many nights per week/year in relation to Child Maintenance payments. If you’re equally sharing then it’s irrelevant (we’re doing 50/50 with DC).

I’m not suggesting don’t get a solicitor as I think it’s important you do, but don’t automatically assume you need one immediately. If STBEH agrees, mediation is a far cheaper route to divorce (I have seen a solicitor for an initial appointment but I’d seen the mediator first so had a lot of info to hand to take in with me and her advice was practical and helpful in relation to pensions which is/will be complex)

I haven't looked into mediation services. I had hoped that we could be reasonable and try and settle without any outside help but it's good to hear exactly what they do. I've already spent £600 and that was just for first appointment and couple of emails. We've got the CETVs, agreed CMS for the year and where and how often the kids will be staying. I've got a mortgage agreed but there is a lot of work to do to the house and if i give him what he wants I won't have the money to do all the work. It's the only home my kids have ever known. My usual approach is... Anything for an easy life but since this will affect everything for the next 20 years I'm trying to be a bit more sensible. He knows that my priority is the kids so he's using that in negotiations. I really cannot believe how much I hate him now.

I've taken this week off work as I'm feeling ill with it all. I'm going to make an apt with the GP as i honestly feel like I'm going to end up having a stroke. Think I'll get out a big walk with the dog and think it all over.

I am impressed with your boundaries predictable. I don't think I could help but cause a bit of grief for her.

Hope everyone's day is filled with walking, positive energy and reasonable dickheads which is what I read when I see the dh.

I’m in a bit of a different position, my DH and I separated 6 weeks ago after nearly 30 years of marriage - it was my decision, no cheating or abuse - he just became more and more distant and disengaged to where there was no relationship left. We have two kids and are managing 60/40 shared care.

I was the bigger earner, am still in the family home which we’ll sell in the new year. Financially I’m ok, the kids are doing ok, but my ex is struggling. I feel so guilty. I don’t miss him, things at home are easier without him, I can do things my way and I didn’t have company really so I don’t feel particularly lonely.

Hes in a rental place which is much less nice than our family home, he’s struggling financially and finding sole care of the kids hard going. He won’t talk to me about anything other than to say “this isn’t working for me”, and I feel awful because it is working for me. I also feel sad that he couldn’t/wouldn’t step up and be more present at home, in our marriage and with the kids.

I’m trying to make things as easy as possible, mainly for the sake of the kids but he’s a decent guy, and I’ve turned his world on it’s head but I really couldn’t live the way I was any longer - but the guilt is awful.

Anyway, it’s been good to hear how others are doing post separation and get some support.

Joining this thread! Found out about STBXH’s OW about 6 weeks ago. He has followed ‘the script’ to a tee. It has been a total roller coaster. DC are off to his for 4 nights for the first time- this is the worst part, not seeing them all the time.

H has continued to put his needs above theirs. Has made me question why I have been married to such a selfish wanker for so long? Where has my self esteem been? Well it’s back now.

Although I am currently signed off work with stress and anxiety as I can’t actually function at the level I need to to do my job- I am relieved that he has gone. Sorting out the finances is very stressful, but I am looking at the long game. When it’s done I will be free of him.

Although none of this was my choice, this is my situation now and I have no choice but to live it. It is my choice how I live it and how I chose to react. I am focusing on me and my kids- which is more than he is doing.

It is helping me to be calm and business like in my interactions with him. Short replies, unemotional, focus on the kids and things we need to sort out. H does not like this. However there is no way of winning, if I begged for him back (that ship has sailed and won’t be returning to port ever) he would think I was pathetic, if I am detached then I am controlling. It’s a game I can’t win and the rules are always changing, so I am not playing. I just have to look after me and the kids and forget him.

There are many things I have autonomy over. I can be myself, be reasonable and calm and detach. His reactions are entrenched in his guilt and inadequacies and are displayed in his defensive and cold behaviour. Hopefully in time he will get over himself. Despite moments of pure heartache, rage, sorrow and grief I know I will be fine and a much better future is already happening for me without being married to him.

@Jellycatspyjamas you sounds like a good and decent person and I am sorry you are feeling guilty. You ended your relationship because it wasn’t working anymore and you did it in the kindest and most decent way possible. It’s was never going to be easy but at least you have been respectful. I hope the feelings of guilt pass for you as things settle- it’s still very early days. It would have been far worse to stay in a relationship out of duty and guilt, you have done the right thing and modeled healthy actions about relationships to your children. It takes a lot of strength and thought to do that.

@Jellycatspyjamas my stbxh was the same! The loneliness and frustration used to make my teeth itch. My bones were itching. I felt so uncomfortable. I read my texts back last night and for 7m every single day I asked him to make more effort, how unhappy I was etc. Even though your XH is unhappy now, don't feel bad as that was how you felt in the marriage. My theory is that we all have pain, either in the marriage where we fight for it and grieve in it or after. So the people who are breezy after separation, I think they've had their fill of pain. I imagine you spoke to him time and time again and it was fruitless. I read a quote that I think is true "women think men will change.. they won't. Men think women will never leave.. they will". Enjoy your new found peace and feeling less lonely, you deserve it♥️

I imagine you spoke to him time and time again and it was fruitless. I read a quote that I think is true "women think men will change.. they won't. Men think women will never leave.. they will". Enjoy your new found peace and feeling less lonely, you deserve it♥️

So many times, tried speaking about it, cried about it, ranted about it, tried couples counselling asked him to go for individual counselling, went for counselling myself, worked myself to a standstill trying to keep it all going. In the end he was shocked I wanted out but what else can you do.

My kids are young (9 & 11), I don’t want them thinking a marriage is a convenient arrangement where you live with a room mate and never speak or have fun together. I don’t want them thinking they need to stick with a decision they made decades ago when it no longer works, and you can no longer make it work. I don’t want them having half a mum because she’s so worn out with trying to make it work.

Its hard because I do care for him, but love went a long time ago. I’m happier alone, and looking forward to who I’ll be when the dust settles.

It sounds like you did everything you could to make your marriage work- that's all you can do. Does he accept his role in the end of the marriage? He left you with very little choice but to end the marriage if he was not willing to address the problems. Good luck with oyur new future.

I was blind sided by an affair ten years ago. Still never forgave him. It's heart breaking

Not sure if this fits but just to say we had issues and have now resolved them and are happily married still. There was an OW but boy these OW are not what they seem. This one was a psycho. He had affair, she wanted more, he quit affair, she exposed it 6 months later to me. He came out with all of it. She continued to lie to husband. He divorced his wife. We stayed together but miserable. She kept contacting, we said all that contact will just go to police. She harassed him at work only to then claim he harassed her. Freak. Seriously. Anyhow so glad it is over. We are more in love than ever and have learnt from all the mistakes or shall I say weaknesses. Conclusion is that every affair is a nut job between narc and codependent. Think about it. For grown-up people that have made decisions to compromise everything they actually want in life they have to have a serious self love deficiency. any harm in our case she was the narc. My advice is if you work out that your partner was codependent you can actually fix it, if it’s a narc it’s really not worth it. I’m not sure if this is helpful at all, but every day when I think of my beautiful children don’t have to spend time with this emotionally unstable moron, I rejoice. So anybody going through the turmoil, just try and work out is your partner just looking for some self-esteem boost NEC usually nice or are there in actual lying and manipulating arsehole. If it’s the first, really be careful because separation and divorce could lead your children to having to spend time with the cretin.Put your kids happiness above yours and in time you will be happy. But if it’s the second one, then just get rid. To complete transparency and regret and remorse from my hubby for it to work out. Kicking somebody out without fully understanding the situation is a shortsighted solution.

It seems life isn't all rosy for ex, and I have to admit that gives me some satisfaction.

He's shocked I've re-done my budget and decided I can afford to stay in our lovely home by myself. He's stuck in her grotty Greater London council flat and I know he misses being in our village full of gorgeous views and wildlife.

He also got drunk the other weekend and kept calling me late at night and texting that he still loves me and he's fucked his life up. Didn't reply but just did a mental 'so what' shoulder shrug. I had to phone him about transferring our tenancy to me only, and apparently he's depressed and the grass isn't greener after all. Ha, serves him right.. Whereas I'm getting over the worst of it and finding life without him is looking good.

@Jellycatspyjamas I'm sort of in the same position, except much older children. When I asked my husband to move out he thought it was temporary and I'd change my mind. I said I wasn't prepared to consider getting back together unless he got professional help for his drinking first and then marriage counselling. He refused to do anything I wanted and has been really nasty since not getting his own way.
We definitely fall under the definition of a couple where I thought he'd change and he thought I'd never leave.

Also a couple of " I thought he would change and he thought I would never leave"... Although actually i didn't leave -he did but I'm sure he thought I'd be desperate without him. I might have been a few years ago but even I was surprised at how good everything felt without him here.

The stress of the finances is the big one and I think it's because I know he will use it to punish and control me.

Nothing has been mentioned about finances, how we will afford it, wheres hes gonna live etc (hes at his families house). At the beginning of the year I was on him nearly everyday about money/house/kids.. now I've learnt to just let be, its all on him to sort it or make contact about it if he wants to discuss anything. I'm not stressing myself. We both earn directors wages so on paper he can stink me financially, yet again though I'm not stressing over it until it becomes in my present. Then I will deal with it. Its crazy how most of us feel better when they go isn't it, just how much was we crushing ourselves in our marriages!

Hi everyone. Just been reading this thread. Keep going everyone. I’m exactly one year to the date when I found out about OW. Consulted lawyer straightaway and proceedings are still ongoing. I’ll keep my lovely house on and he’s gone to be with OW. Financially I am good.

This week I’ve needed a new washing machine and then the boiler broke but I’ve managed fine. Managed to save a bit extra into an emergency fund which has come in handy. I used to panic about these but now I just think meh…. I’ll deal with it by myself.

Keep going. I’m a year down the line and slowly starting to enjoy my new single life. Not even interested in meeting someone new. Enjoying being by myself with my lovely friends and family. Am even thinking of getting a little dog or cat. Plus a solo holiday abroad next year.

I’m loving being single this Christmas will be magic even without the miracle if it happens tickets to theatre. Best friend going too next year. Luckily still friends with stbx I did my crying before I left years months before when I think back to this time last year I can’t believe the change.

Thank you @Emptyinsidetothecore. I had been told about a mediator by a Solicitor but he gave me so much information that I couldn't take it all in. I will definitely look into it.

Sorry to hear that even some years on, you’re not over it @boredOf That sounds tough. I’m in therapy and it definitely is helping with the acceptance part of it all.

@Lieslies I can’t believe ex was calling you drunk! I keep being told STBEH will regret his decision but I genuinely believe he won’t. I too have surprised myself with setting things in order, and filling my spare time with stuff I want to do. Of course still miss him / the company / my life as I know it, but I do feel better without him.

@bluevelvetbox lovely to hear you’re surviving a year on. I too was looking at holidays next year, on my own or with DC. It’s kind of exciting. Need to create new memories and remove the tarnished ones as a couple.

@bethatgirl have you found a mediator yet? Hopefully you’re feeling a bit better.

I am knee-deep in divorce admin and getting the consent order done and I'm so over it, I'm sick of Solicitors and waiting for emails back and having it hanging over me. Hopefully it will be done and signed off next week ready to submit to the court. Conditional order granted on 21st Dec. At least the end is in sight and I'll be free...