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Relationships

Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

474 replies

Chocolatepencil · 05/10/2022 10:41

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

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butterflyandbees · 25/11/2022 12:40

I am just at the very start of this journey, terrified and not wanting a divorce, so this is a great thread to start and I will be following it. He is still in the house, and is good cop/bad cop so I don't know where I am. Sadly I still love him and this is out of the blue last Saturday.

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clpsmum · 25/11/2022 12:43

I am five years into the journey but still not divorced as ex throwing a spanner in the works at every opportunity! I'm here if you need to talk xx

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clpsmum · 25/11/2022 12:44

butterflyandbees · 25/11/2022 12:40

I am just at the very start of this journey, terrified and not wanting a divorce, so this is a great thread to start and I will be following it. He is still in the house, and is good cop/bad cop so I don't know where I am. Sadly I still love him and this is out of the blue last Saturday.

How awful for you. Somebody who makes you walk on eggshells and plays good cop /bad cop is not a nice person. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Love yourself more than you love him. Any sight of him or you moving out?

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prettygreenteacup · 25/11/2022 12:58

I am 2.5 years in from separation after 4 years of hell from my ex, started when we were 5 years married, it's just been our 11 year anniversary this year. About to apply for the decree nisi/conditional order of divorce this weekend 🥳 it feels good to now have an end in sight and I'll be free of the bastard. It's one hell of a roller coaster and all the emotions - relief, happiness, grief etc. It'll be my third Christmas since we split. Time is a healer.

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butterflyandbees · 25/11/2022 15:34

Thank you, god knows where you all find the inner strength from, my husband wants to sign over house and get a new mortgage on his own, he thinks this can be done really quickly, but the legal stuff is taking it's own time, plus reassessment for the new mortgage, it takes time to unravel 16 years together and he wants it done asap.

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ThePredictableScript · 25/11/2022 15:56

Ooh loving this thread. Its early days for me.. 2 weeks but I feel mainly free! He left in January-April and then I was distraught, just had a big lapland holiday, totally confused and devastated. Then he came back.. but came back a different person. Completely and utterly locked in his past, obsessed with his time as a 21yo. Found out he was texting another woman and he left 2 weeks ago, we haven't spoken since. Sort of waiting for a breakdown but I feel manic and giddy. The last 7m when he came back was so hard, I was so lonely.. I feel like I can be me again. Cut to the breakdown ;)

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butterflyandbees · 25/11/2022 17:28

Wish I felt manic and giddy, I have no family due to violent childhood background and had a miscarriage when we met, he didn't want children or my hopes of fostering, which now may prove problematic as they like to get in touch with family, in my case this is not possible. I made my husband my absolute world, our business, our home was my centre, I haven't eaten since he told me on Saturday, stomach feel like a concrete block. I do have some friends and my cats, but am so lonely and worried about the future finances and my isolation. I could die and no one would know. I creep into his office asking if he would like a cup of tea because I just want to keep the atmosphere as ok as I can.

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ThePredictableScript · 25/11/2022 17:49

Same butterflies, my life was our business, our marriage, I did everything for the kids whilst he scrolled facebook all evening and weekend. I have come to the conclusion that making your life about a man is the wrong thing to do (shock).. they take us for granted, the boring, dutiful, loyal wife. Whilst I'm giddy today, I lost 2 stone at the start of the year and I'm sure I will crash at some point. Right now though I'm excited to get my life back. The loneliness was crushing me. I hope you feel better soon. Apparently "this too shall pass".

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butterflyandbees · 25/11/2022 19:15

It's a comfort to know other people have come through this, I ask him why and I either get anger or a different answer each time
I don't love you
you had anxiety
you didn't love me the way I wanted to be loved.
You didn't show me enough affection
your not right for me anymore.

Each one is a punch to the gut, this time last week I would have sworn we would always be together through thick and thin.

I know I wasn't perfect, but I thought we had a strong supportive marriage, I am blaming myself and keep thinking I wish I had done this or that in a different way. The house is rural and isolated, so the thought of being here with the cats is scary, but at the same time rushing to sell and buy in panic mode probably won't be the best idea either.

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prettygreenteacup · 26/11/2022 10:09

butterflyandbees · 25/11/2022 19:15

It's a comfort to know other people have come through this, I ask him why and I either get anger or a different answer each time
I don't love you
you had anxiety
you didn't love me the way I wanted to be loved.
You didn't show me enough affection
your not right for me anymore.

Each one is a punch to the gut, this time last week I would have sworn we would always be together through thick and thin.

I know I wasn't perfect, but I thought we had a strong supportive marriage, I am blaming myself and keep thinking I wish I had done this or that in a different way. The house is rural and isolated, so the thought of being here with the cats is scary, but at the same time rushing to sell and buy in panic mode probably won't be the best idea either.

This sounds like the classic Script lines when they're being unfaithful, I'm sorry to say. I wouldn't be surprised if there's another woman. They're so transparent when you learn about this process.

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anon12345anon · 26/11/2022 10:23

Divorced last year. He'd been hard work and miserable for a while - but I didn't realise it was me that was making him unhappy. Out of the blue (for me) he said it was over.
Together 16 years, and I absolutely adored him. I still love him. No children and the separation was relatively easy.
We're amicable, but I try not to see him as it's too painful.

Fast forward a year and I now have my own place, and sooo independent...... holiday alone, happy to walk into a pub alone. Made loads of new mates, and different hobbies.

I got through it by dating guy after guy, (and a bit too much alcohol)....a classic avoidance technique I suppose, but it was anything to stop feeling so sad.

I guess as a previous poster said, time is a great healer.... But I still miss my old life.

I just try and embrace the excitement of being able to do what you want when you want - it works most of the time Blush

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butterflyandbees · 26/11/2022 10:26

That would be difficult for him as he is always here working and we are very rural. It would be an online only one if that were the case, I don't know if he would throw everything away for that and go from being comfortable to us both struggling financially. Maybe you are right, at the moment I don't dismiss anything because the change in this man is unbelievable to me.

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fortyfatandsingle · 26/11/2022 10:27

I'm at the start of this. Left 2 weeks ago. It even harder as we're still friends and get on well.
I'm definitely putting a brave face on but spend most bedtimes in tears. I know it will all work out but it's horrible timing and it's not where I thought I'd ever be.

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ThePredictableScript · 26/11/2022 11:23

Its been a hard morning for me today as my daughter had a xmas show and I turned up alone! Surrounded by families. I felt down which is good as it shows I can feel. I also felt down last night when the kids went their dads. However I will get through this. Its better than being with someone who I don't trust and who made me feel so painfully alone. A classic couch dad. Its all just the grieving process and we will get through it and create new routines. Also a thing that helps me is letting myself cry over past him and our amazing memories but I do not think about what hes doing now as its not any of my business. I also stop any catatastraphising (spelt so wrong spell checker can't recognise it) thoughts about the future. Or at the very least I balance it out with a positive one. Like I said at the start of the year I lost 2 stone and my hair started to fall out. I need to handle it better this time. He came back and I thought "what was I even crying over!"

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KangarooKenny · 26/11/2022 11:29

I Dont want to be together anymore, in my mind I’ve been separated for over a year. He wants to make a go of it, and I don’t want to see less of the kids and lose the security of a partnership. Argh !!!

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ThePredictableScript · 26/11/2022 12:07

Kangaroo thats what it was like for me this last 7 months. I realised he contributed nothing except money (even though we co own the business), so I'm nervous how I'm going to cope financially as I had a nice lifestyle.. however it was nice on paper, the reality was I was miserable on these holidays/days out, hating him and probably couldn't get over him leaving start of the year and the smear campaign he did. That well and truly finished it for me in my mind. The walls went up. You might find the same thing if you went back Butterfly. Its never the same imo.

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prettygreenteacup · 26/11/2022 15:23

ThePredictableScript · 26/11/2022 12:07

Kangaroo thats what it was like for me this last 7 months. I realised he contributed nothing except money (even though we co own the business), so I'm nervous how I'm going to cope financially as I had a nice lifestyle.. however it was nice on paper, the reality was I was miserable on these holidays/days out, hating him and probably couldn't get over him leaving start of the year and the smear campaign he did. That well and truly finished it for me in my mind. The walls went up. You might find the same thing if you went back Butterfly. Its never the same imo.

Honestly Script, you find your way financially. Part of my abuse I suffered was him threatening that I'd never be able to afford to leave him and by that point I was so worn down I believed him. Fast forward to now and I pay for my house totally alone, mortgage all from me, I get the child benefit to top up my income and then you just adjust your lifestyle - far, far better to be actually happy and at peace, with less disposable income and fewer luxuries. The biggest luxury is being free of him! There are always, always options.

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butterflyandbees · 26/11/2022 15:27

I can't stop the future catastrophising either, I try and say to myself it 's not happening in this moment, so you can't do anything now. Then I think well it will happen at some moment then what will I do. I think not having any family and a traumatic childhood has set me up to be afraid if things aren't safe and secure in home life. He has been my entire family, the strange thing is he has no family all deceased so will also be alone. We have supported each other through some really tough times and it felt like the marriage and him were my universe.

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Jewel7 · 26/11/2022 17:29

It’s been a few months here. There has been moments when I question myself I wonder if I will regret walking. But I can breathe. Burying my head a bit over Xmas tbh. I know I have done the right thing. Celebrating the independent steps I am making.

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cleanbreak2022 · 27/11/2022 08:27

Ladies, we all have the same story, dick head man, takes us for granted (insert self entitlement behaviour) decide there's a better life for them and off they f*ck into what they believe is the sunset. They do this, without looking back and without regret because they know we are decent women/mothers/daughters/humans and the trail of destruction they leave will be swept up by us, like every other pile of shit they have done over the years of our loyal partnerships.

What we don't notice at this point (I'm coming up to my year anniversary) and what we don't always see, is we're about to embark on a very hard journey of self discovery. It doesn't feel like it, it feels like you don't know your path, that your lost and wondering around in the wilderness. What you/we are actually doing, is finding your way. One tiny step at a time, sometimes no steps on a day, sometimes steps backwards, but you will not ever take that first step again.

You will learn how it feels to be free, what financial independence is, resilience, determination, your emotions will harden (only enough to towards them). New routines will emerge, new challenges and you will achieve them.

In years to come, you will look down on them.

I didn't do the pick me dance, I never asked for him back, not once.

I'm grateful he didn't choose me, because I look at who he did choose and the life he volunteered for, and now I realise, he was never enough for me, I'm glad I didn't reach his standard, he will never be high enough to reach mine. Flowers

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anon12345anon · 27/11/2022 08:30

cleanbreak2022 · 27/11/2022 08:27

Ladies, we all have the same story, dick head man, takes us for granted (insert self entitlement behaviour) decide there's a better life for them and off they f*ck into what they believe is the sunset. They do this, without looking back and without regret because they know we are decent women/mothers/daughters/humans and the trail of destruction they leave will be swept up by us, like every other pile of shit they have done over the years of our loyal partnerships.

What we don't notice at this point (I'm coming up to my year anniversary) and what we don't always see, is we're about to embark on a very hard journey of self discovery. It doesn't feel like it, it feels like you don't know your path, that your lost and wondering around in the wilderness. What you/we are actually doing, is finding your way. One tiny step at a time, sometimes no steps on a day, sometimes steps backwards, but you will not ever take that first step again.

You will learn how it feels to be free, what financial independence is, resilience, determination, your emotions will harden (only enough to towards them). New routines will emerge, new challenges and you will achieve them.

In years to come, you will look down on them.

I didn't do the pick me dance, I never asked for him back, not once.

I'm grateful he didn't choose me, because I look at who he did choose and the life he volunteered for, and now I realise, he was never enough for me, I'm glad I didn't reach his standard, he will never be high enough to reach mine. Flowers

That's a really lovely post x Flowers

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ThePredictableScript · 27/11/2022 09:37

Thats amazing PrettyGreen, so good to hear. Cleanbreak thats comforting words and so true. I've heard it said time and time again from women on the "other side".. its short term pain for long term gain. I wish I could press a button and see a glimpse of the future, see that I'm ok and skip any of the process that has to come but then I know part of life is taking the good with the bad, rough with the smooth. I've been with H for 17 years, since I was 16 so its all I've known, I'm invested and attached but cannot waste anymore of my life with him and his self destruction. Like I said I'm very up and down. Mostly up though :)

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motherhubbard12 · 27/11/2022 11:02

I'm so happy to find this thread. Separated 3 months but I still cry every day. Not over him but breakdown of family unit. I am dreading Christmas- the sadness and the emotion but also the practicalities - we worked as a team to make it lively for the kids. I do also feel free in the house. It's a huge mix of emotions. I'm sorry other people are in this awful situation too but it's comforting people understand.

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TiredButAlive · 27/11/2022 11:10

2 years since we agreed to separate, 8 months since we actually did. I recently filed for divorce. We've kept communication going and luckily our children are adults (this still affects them though). I can honestly say, after a lot of upset and self-loathing, that I am happier now than I have been in at least ten years. Loving being single (no desire to meet anyone new) and having my independence back. It's given me a new lease of life. I feel younger and "lighter". But it has been hard at times. I've had some very dark moments but got there in the end.

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butterflyandbees · 27/11/2022 14:12

Thank you ladies for this wonderful thread. Today I walked to the local hotel and asked if they needed any staff, they are going to contact me regarding possible housekeeping work. The kindness of the hotel manager made me cry, he presented me with peppermint tea, all laid out on a tray with homemade biscuit and tiny sugar cubes, it was so beautiful and lovely I sat in a little alcove with tears pouring down my face. They wouldn't let me pay. Contrast when I got in my husband was so angry and aggressive because I interrupted his work to ask a question on Ebay as I am selling my personal stuff to raise some money. I also found a food bank that helps with pet food, for which I will always be grateful. I won't take anything until I absolutely have to, but it give me some hope. I admire you all, your strength and resilience is amazing. Can anyone tell me why men get very angry and aggressive when they decide to leave, this is not the way he has ever presented himself over the last 16 years.

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