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Original poster

Just found out he's married and feel like a complete shitbag

290 replies

lyadw · 03/10/2022 15:49

I just found out the man I have been speaking to for the last nine months is married. I met him at a work event, He told me he was seperated with one child, He wasn't wearing a ring. I'm single with no children and was honest about the fact I'm not looking for anything serious, Just a bit of fun and maybe a friends with benefits type situation, He was fine with this. I work in his City once a month and he works in mine a few times per month so thought this sounded ideal for what I was looking for.

We swapped details the night we met and have kept in touch via whatsapp and facetime etc. We speak every day/night, Ranging from normal general chat to sexting/swapping pictures etc. We have also met up in person 8 times and had sex. I have never been to his house which I know is usually a red flag but it's something that genuinely never crossed my mind because I spend half my life staying in hotels due to my job, I thought it would be easier to meet him there..

I called and messaged him at will (as did he), He never missed a call from me no matter what time it was, We would chat on the phone/facetime at night for a few hours, I now have no idea how he did this if he was married. He was always available and never turned me down or tried to change the date of any meets we had. I had zero reason to think he was married.

We were due to meet up in a few weeks to spend the weekend together.

We were chatting last night and he mentioned he had recently done something to raise money for a certain charity. I have no idea why but after we finished talking something made me google it. I'm glad I did.

I found a few newspaper articles about it. It has pictures of him and his wife. It gave his wifes name in the article so she wasn't hard to find on facebook. His wife looks like a lovely woman, she looks so happy with him (and he with her) and their kid. Lots of pics of them looking happy together, them on holiday recently (looking back he told me he was going on holiday and we spoke from there a few times, he sent pictures to me of the views from the hotel etc), her saying how proud she is of him for the charity thing etc.

I have blocked him on everything, I will never contact him again but it's left me feeling like shit, I have never (knowingly) been with a married man and I have zero interest in stealing someone's husband etc.

Do I tell his wife or just walk away? If I tell her it feels like I would be throwing a bomb into her life then standing back and watching it explode. I don't want to hurt her.

I have never been in this situation before and want to do the right thing, Whatever that may be.

OP posts:
Pineappleflowers · 03/10/2022 15:59

Tell the wife. I’d want to know.

Plus thensooner they break up the sooner she has a chance of an actual real marriage with someone else.

I’m sorry OP.

Wibbli · 03/10/2022 15:59

Personally, I wouldn’t tell her, mainly because of the child. It should come from him - what a horrible situation for both you and his wife. Cut all contact and move on. He will get his comeuppance 💐

Wibbli · 03/10/2022 16:00
  • I WOULD (!) tell her I meant to say. He should confess it to his wife.
isthismylifenow · 03/10/2022 16:00

Just walk away.

By telling her you are involving yourself into his life even more.

But, what a piece of shit. As for how you are feeling, it's only natural but you can only believe what someone is telling you and how that lines up with their actions. You have done nothing wrong. I guess you are not his first affair then, sorry OP. He seems to have it mastered down to a tee.

AriettyHomily · 03/10/2022 16:01

What a cock. Sorry OP. Cut all contact but I wouldn't tell the wife. That's on him.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 03/10/2022 16:01

That's a tough one. No one told me, when my ExH was playing away. Well, one person eventually did, but that was ages after the fact. I'm still cross about that, but do realise it's a predicament to be in.

No easy answer really. What a shitbag though!

ScabbersChin · 03/10/2022 16:02

Tell her. Because she deserves to know and her sexual health might be at risk.

ChilliBandit · 03/10/2022 16:02

You’ve done nothing wrong OP, you need to forgive yourself.

I wouldn’t tell his wife, I think you’ve done the right thing by blocking him. I would just move on if I were you.

satelliteheart · 03/10/2022 16:06

Oh op, don't feel like a shitbag, it's absolutely not your fault. Doesn't seem like there were any red flags for this. A similar thing happened to a relative of mine a year into what she thought was a serious relationship. Then she discovered there was both a wife and a second other woman! Absolutely broke her.

I would tell the wife. If my husband was doing this I'd want to know. She might not believe you but at least you'll know you tried

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 03/10/2022 16:07

Oh god, tell her. Let one good thing come from this.

And it IS a good thing she knows. She is living a lie. Absolutely no one deserves that.

Opentooffers · 03/10/2022 16:10

It's probably not your responsibility to tell, and yes it might drop a bomb. Its not right or wrong either way you chose, both has merits and negatives, but there are DC involved which is a consideration.
As you say, he was unrestricted with his communication, so perhaps she may be suspicious. You could try putting out a friend request on FB now you've found her, then if she wants to, she has a method of asking when she's ready, or she may leave it - if she thinks the request is odd and asks her DH about it, it would put the wind up him, which is what he deserves. She might ignore your request, which is her perogative also, anyway, its leaving a trail without dropping a bomb, so then youve done your bit.
Apart from that, daily communication, texts and calls? Really FWB territory, sounds like behaving more than that with each other?

strawberry2017 · 03/10/2022 16:12

If I was the wife I would want to know.
It's a shit conversation to have but I would want the option to walk away from the bastard and he's obviously very good at hiding things from her.

ShandaLear · 03/10/2022 16:25

Tell her. She deserves to know. If you don’t you’re effectively condoning his behaviour. In her position I would 100% want to know.

Bookworm20 · 03/10/2022 16:26

Yes, tell the wife.

There he is doing this charity stuff, while screwing over his family and you. that would make me rage. And if I was the wife i'd want to know.

I'm sure you have proof with text messages and stuff. Screenshot those and just tell her you are so sorry, you had no idea he was married, he told you he wasn't.

And so sorry OP, why are men so bloody shit.

JorisBonson · 03/10/2022 16:26

I'd tell her. I would absolutely want to know.

So sorry OP. What a scumbag.

LemonDrop22 · 03/10/2022 16:27

You did nothing wrong.

She deserves to know.

People rarely do something like this as a total one off.

Weirdlynormal · 03/10/2022 16:29

I’m torn. I’d want blissful ignorance, but it seems unlikely she can’t know something is up.

Hearthnhome · 03/10/2022 16:30

There’s 2 options

1 - tell him you know and he needs to tell her. But he could start giving her the ‘this crazy stalker’ story to try and ensure she doesn’t believe anything you say.

2 - tell her. But if you do, do it one fell swoop. Give her the evidence, answer any questions she has and leave it alone unless she contacts you.

The worst thing someone can do when telling the wife, is hold bigs and bobs back or refusing to answer questions or then trying to find out what’s happening and what she is going to do/how he reacts etc.

iliketartan · 03/10/2022 16:35

If I was the wife I'd want to be told.

Worriedaboutethics · 03/10/2022 16:36

@lyadw

tell her I think .

PaniniHead · 03/10/2022 16:37

I would be tempted to tell the wife. But does he know where you live? I’d be concerned about potential repercussions

ChilliBandit · 03/10/2022 16:38

I think the wife deserving to know and the OP telling her are two separate things. What is to say the scumbag won’t turn it on the OP “she is a crazy women who won’t leave me alone” etc. The wife may not believe the OP had no idea and get angry with her. I don’t think OP has any responsibility towards his wife in this instance.

Crazykatie · 03/10/2022 16:38

A friend of mine was not sure about a guy she was dating, he seemed OK, but!.

She got hold of his driving licence which had his home address, checked it out, surprise, surprise he was married.

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 16:38

Throw the bomb...I was that wife, if then she chooses to ignore then that is up to her, but at least she will be able to make her own decision about her future with full facts. Men are shitbags, don't beat yourself up (unless you carry on)

Blueberrywitch · 03/10/2022 16:39

Tell her for sure. Tell her with all the evidence she needs to make the right decision for her. Don’t tell him you’ve told her. Leave the ball in her court as to what she wants to do (if anything) but also leave her with no doubt in her mind and no ability for her DH to wriggle out of it if she does confront him.