Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out he's married and feel like a complete shitbag

290 replies

lyadw · 03/10/2022 15:49

I just found out the man I have been speaking to for the last nine months is married. I met him at a work event, He told me he was seperated with one child, He wasn't wearing a ring. I'm single with no children and was honest about the fact I'm not looking for anything serious, Just a bit of fun and maybe a friends with benefits type situation, He was fine with this. I work in his City once a month and he works in mine a few times per month so thought this sounded ideal for what I was looking for.

We swapped details the night we met and have kept in touch via whatsapp and facetime etc. We speak every day/night, Ranging from normal general chat to sexting/swapping pictures etc. We have also met up in person 8 times and had sex. I have never been to his house which I know is usually a red flag but it's something that genuinely never crossed my mind because I spend half my life staying in hotels due to my job, I thought it would be easier to meet him there..

I called and messaged him at will (as did he), He never missed a call from me no matter what time it was, We would chat on the phone/facetime at night for a few hours, I now have no idea how he did this if he was married. He was always available and never turned me down or tried to change the date of any meets we had. I had zero reason to think he was married.

We were due to meet up in a few weeks to spend the weekend together.

We were chatting last night and he mentioned he had recently done something to raise money for a certain charity. I have no idea why but after we finished talking something made me google it. I'm glad I did.

I found a few newspaper articles about it. It has pictures of him and his wife. It gave his wifes name in the article so she wasn't hard to find on facebook. His wife looks like a lovely woman, she looks so happy with him (and he with her) and their kid. Lots of pics of them looking happy together, them on holiday recently (looking back he told me he was going on holiday and we spoke from there a few times, he sent pictures to me of the views from the hotel etc), her saying how proud she is of him for the charity thing etc.

I have blocked him on everything, I will never contact him again but it's left me feeling like shit, I have never (knowingly) been with a married man and I have zero interest in stealing someone's husband etc.

Do I tell his wife or just walk away? If I tell her it feels like I would be throwing a bomb into her life then standing back and watching it explode. I don't want to hurt her.

I have never been in this situation before and want to do the right thing, Whatever that may be.

OP posts:
stickynoter · 03/10/2022 18:29

I would at least confront him then decide whether to tell the wife

Courgeon · 03/10/2022 18:32

DaughterofDawn · 03/10/2022 18:24

As much as I think it would be ideal for her to know you also need to take your safety and mental health into consideration first. I have a lot of anxiety about situations like this and if I was in your position and told the wife my mental health would plummet for WEEKS. So you have to ask yourself what you can handle. You are not obligated to do anything more than what you have already done. Which is cutting him out of your life and moving on from a f**ked up situation.

Completely agree with this. My anxiety would be so bad I wouldn't be able to eat, sleep work or look after my family so I'd need to look out for myself so that I was safe and able to function. I didn't tell an ex work colleague when her H DM me via FB asking to see pics of me naked (totally out of the blue no previous communication). I didn't need the drama or the fall out in my life. I spoke to a few friends and they agreed to keep it quiet. I think you need to look out for yourself first, that may sound selfish but you have your own life to live.

Dashel · 03/10/2022 18:33

If I was the DW I would want to know.

I love DH very much and whilst I have no reason to think he has cheated and we have a happy marriage, I wouldn’t want to be living a lie.

Even though it would be devastating I would want to know so I could restart my life as soon as possible.

ChilliBandit · 03/10/2022 18:33

I’m just thinking realistically and practically. The wife may well thank the OP, the OP can feel she did a just and righteous thing, the wife and cheat divorce, the wife takes him to the cleaners and they all live happily ever after, except cheat. Or more likely the wife reacts angrily to the OP or ignores her, the man has a go at OP too. OP made out to be some spiteful scorned woman. Wife’s lovely life torn apart. Left holding the children with hardly anything. Man moves on to next woman.

The amount of threads on here from women who have been cheated on and the torment that comes from it. In all honesty I’d rather live in ignorance and not know because I am aware life isn’t a film however unfair that is.

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 18:33

There are some right ostriches on this thread. So much for sisterhood, no wonder the patriarchy is alive and well if women advocate other women being kept in the dark...just in case they are not in the dark and it upsets them...complete BS...I wonder how many saying 'keep out'/don't tell have actually been in this position?? I wasted a decade and several DC on an ungrateful chancer like this.

LuckyLil · 03/10/2022 18:35

What about telling him to start?

Passmealargewine · 03/10/2022 18:35

I have been the wife in this situation & I 100% wish I had been told. I'd had my suspicions for a while but no actual 'proof'

I would never have shot the messenger, I'd have been grateful for the honesty. I eventually found out on my own but it was especially hurtful realising that people knew what he'd been doing & had kept quiet about it.

The reason these scumbags get away with things like this so easily is because so many choose to turn a blind eye to it

blisstwins · 03/10/2022 18:35

Pineappleflowers · 03/10/2022 15:59

Tell the wife. I’d want to know.

Plus thensooner they break up the sooner she has a chance of an actual real marriage with someone else.

I’m sorry OP.

Tell the wife. I was her and he stole 18 years of my life--the majority of my adulthood. I am humiliated when I look back and feel so foolish.

MsDogLady · 03/10/2022 18:36

Reach out, provide extensive evidence, and inform her that he presented himself as single. Tell her that you are horrified and believe she has the right to know. That’s all you can do. You can’t control her reaction, but you would have done the right thing.

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 18:36

@Passmealargewine Amen sister

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 18:37

@blisstwins I hear you

Thesage · 03/10/2022 18:38

I'd walk away OP, I wouldn't tell her. I am not looking for an argument on here but I don't think it's on you to sort out his marriage problems. You've been mislead by him, and you've done all you could when you've found out the truth, I'll leave it at that. I am sorry you've found yourself in this situation.

PeloFondo · 03/10/2022 18:38

MayThe4th · 03/10/2022 18:23

No I wouldn’t tell her.

I think it’s one thing for a e.g a best friend to tell someone that they know their partner is cheating, because they can be there for them for the fallout, but it’s quite another for a stranger to tell someone they’ve been sleeping with their husband and to then disappear after sending them your intimate pictures as proof.

You will look like a deranged OW, and even if he admits it, he will likely say that you are annoyed because he dumped you.

There is literally no way to prove that you didn’t know he was married. Now you know, you owe it to yourself and to her not to get involved in her marriage any further.

I sent texts where he called her "ex" and referred to shared custody. She believed me as the messaged proved I couldn't have known

kateandme · 03/10/2022 18:39

What do you feel you can/ should do op?
are you ok?

Courgeon · 03/10/2022 18:40

They may have separated but be keeping a United front on in public.
They may have an open relationship but he wasn't honest with op about it as most people can't cope with the thought of open relationships as it goes against their moral code. The fact he always picks up the phone, can speak at any time and mentioned the charity thing in the first place suggests it may not be a traditional set up.

Thesage · 03/10/2022 18:42

Misled*

gonnabeok · 03/10/2022 18:42

I was the wife or rather long term partner in your situation. My ex did exactly the same thing with a woman he used to work with, said we had separated. Sent her photos from our hiday pretending to be there on his own with our daughter. I caught him out when I saw a text from the other woman flash up on his phone.

To be honest I'm told her she was welcome to him but if course I later discovered that the snake had DC told her a load of lies. I binned him, then she binned him and it was exactly what he deserved.

I am so glad I found out as hard as it was. I never blamed her to be honest.
She had believed his lies and she apologised to me.

I would day tell her. This scumbug has probably done it before and he will do it again. What she does with the information moving forward is up to her. You're lucky you found out by doing some digging. She has no clue.Dont blame yourself- you're both victims.

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 18:43

@Courgeon so what? How would that be an issue if OP says something then?

totallyoutnumbered · 03/10/2022 18:44

I wish someone had told me significantly earlier. If you have enough proof and it really sounds like you do. I can only speak for myself. I had suspicions and my EXH gaslighted the fuck out of me for years. If I'd found out with evidence it'd have ended much sooner. Nothing at all for you to feel bad about OP but I've also been in your situation. It left me feeling violated. I told his partner. I felt sick with worry but she thanked me as she'd been receiving the same treatment as me with my EXH. Some people are just awful human beings

HairyMothballs · 03/10/2022 18:44

Tell his wife. He's a bastard.

isthismylifenow · 03/10/2022 18:46

Courgeon · 03/10/2022 18:40

They may have separated but be keeping a United front on in public.
They may have an open relationship but he wasn't honest with op about it as most people can't cope with the thought of open relationships as it goes against their moral code. The fact he always picks up the phone, can speak at any time and mentioned the charity thing in the first place suggests it may not be a traditional set up.

Agree this is very possible.

Lots of things happen behind closed doors that others do not know about.

cosmicbabe · 03/10/2022 18:46

Tell her.. What a C*nt he is. He doesn't deserve to treat people like this.

totallyoutnumbered · 03/10/2022 18:46

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 18:33

There are some right ostriches on this thread. So much for sisterhood, no wonder the patriarchy is alive and well if women advocate other women being kept in the dark...just in case they are not in the dark and it upsets them...complete BS...I wonder how many saying 'keep out'/don't tell have actually been in this position?? I wasted a decade and several DC on an ungrateful chancer like this.

Couldn't agree more

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/10/2022 18:46

Tell his wife! Don't make her suffer with suspicions and anxiety, chances are she suspects something and maybe blames herself.

She deserves the chance to leave him and be happy. She also deserves to screw him for every penny... men like that deserve nothing less.

Solidarity with his poor wife! Wouldn't you want to know?

Courgeon · 03/10/2022 18:46

Send him the evidence first then, and then see what he says. In don't think contacting the wife out of the blue is advisable for the ops sake. I've seen situations like this in RL and it rarely works out well. For the sake of your own MH I would stay out of it