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Original poster

Just found out he's married and feel like a complete shitbag

290 replies

lyadw · 03/10/2022 15:49

I just found out the man I have been speaking to for the last nine months is married. I met him at a work event, He told me he was seperated with one child, He wasn't wearing a ring. I'm single with no children and was honest about the fact I'm not looking for anything serious, Just a bit of fun and maybe a friends with benefits type situation, He was fine with this. I work in his City once a month and he works in mine a few times per month so thought this sounded ideal for what I was looking for.

We swapped details the night we met and have kept in touch via whatsapp and facetime etc. We speak every day/night, Ranging from normal general chat to sexting/swapping pictures etc. We have also met up in person 8 times and had sex. I have never been to his house which I know is usually a red flag but it's something that genuinely never crossed my mind because I spend half my life staying in hotels due to my job, I thought it would be easier to meet him there..

I called and messaged him at will (as did he), He never missed a call from me no matter what time it was, We would chat on the phone/facetime at night for a few hours, I now have no idea how he did this if he was married. He was always available and never turned me down or tried to change the date of any meets we had. I had zero reason to think he was married.

We were due to meet up in a few weeks to spend the weekend together.

We were chatting last night and he mentioned he had recently done something to raise money for a certain charity. I have no idea why but after we finished talking something made me google it. I'm glad I did.

I found a few newspaper articles about it. It has pictures of him and his wife. It gave his wifes name in the article so she wasn't hard to find on facebook. His wife looks like a lovely woman, she looks so happy with him (and he with her) and their kid. Lots of pics of them looking happy together, them on holiday recently (looking back he told me he was going on holiday and we spoke from there a few times, he sent pictures to me of the views from the hotel etc), her saying how proud she is of him for the charity thing etc.

I have blocked him on everything, I will never contact him again but it's left me feeling like shit, I have never (knowingly) been with a married man and I have zero interest in stealing someone's husband etc.

Do I tell his wife or just walk away? If I tell her it feels like I would be throwing a bomb into her life then standing back and watching it explode. I don't want to hurt her.

I have never been in this situation before and want to do the right thing, Whatever that may be.

OP posts:
Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 18:48

@Courgeon I suspect there is very little wrong with OPs mental health if she has enough self respect to ditch this person for being less than honest.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 03/10/2022 18:50

ChilliBandit · 03/10/2022 16:38

I think the wife deserving to know and the OP telling her are two separate things. What is to say the scumbag won’t turn it on the OP “she is a crazy women who won’t leave me alone” etc. The wife may not believe the OP had no idea and get angry with her. I don’t think OP has any responsibility towards his wife in this instance.

Were I in OP's shoes, I would want to move on without any unedifying scenes and unseemly histrionics. This is entirely someone else's business. OP has done nothing wrong: he alone had responsibility to the woman he made vows to; he alone actively chose to break those vows. Because OP remained in ignorance of his wife's existence, she is blameless in the matter.

Harsh though this sounds, OP, you owe her nothing and have every right to stay out of their business. I don't personally like this idea that women have some form of moral responsibility to take men's poor conduct upon themselves. This means that you're not duty bound or under any obligation to involve yourself in a mess that isn't of your making. He's the arsehole here, not you.

I'd take the easiest course her of blocking and moving on.

LegoFiends · 03/10/2022 18:55

Don’t bother confronting him, there’s nothing in it for you. (Unless you want to toy with him a bit and say you have an event in his town and plan to stay with him.)
Tell her including evidence. Owing to his work travel he will likely be lining someone else up who maybe won’t find out.
Send evidence with your message. If you don’t want her to shoot the messenger, block after sending.
If they are really separated, no harm done.

PineOrange · 03/10/2022 18:56

I don't personally like this idea that women have some form of moral responsibility to take men's poor conduct upon themselves

Men love women like this.🤐

stickynoter · 03/10/2022 18:56

If you decide not to tell her (personally I would)...I'd let him know you know and threaten to tell his wife. Say you're giving it a lot of thought. Let him sweat......

Cornflakegirll · 03/10/2022 18:56

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 18:33

There are some right ostriches on this thread. So much for sisterhood, no wonder the patriarchy is alive and well if women advocate other women being kept in the dark...just in case they are not in the dark and it upsets them...complete BS...I wonder how many saying 'keep out'/don't tell have actually been in this position?? I wasted a decade and several DC on an ungrateful chancer like this.

Everything this....

The 'I wouldn't tell her' 'she probably knows' 'you won't be thanked for it' crew are why men get away with risking their partner's sexual, physical, mental and emotional health!

Original poster
lyadw · 03/10/2022 18:58

Quickly unblocked him, and sent the following: You told me you were seperated, Does your wife know that you are?

His reply: I should hope so! Seperated for 9 years, Both see other people, on a 'don't ask don't tell' basis, We don't bring anyone home around our daughter. Our family and friends all know, Our lives are seperate in every way except raising our daughter. I know this is far from ideal but it works for our daughter atm. I know I sound like I'm full of shit but it's just how life has worked out.

OP posts:
stickynoter · 03/10/2022 18:59

lyadw · 03/10/2022 18:58

Quickly unblocked him, and sent the following: You told me you were seperated, Does your wife know that you are?

His reply: I should hope so! Seperated for 9 years, Both see other people, on a 'don't ask don't tell' basis, We don't bring anyone home around our daughter. Our family and friends all know, Our lives are seperate in every way except raising our daughter. I know this is far from ideal but it works for our daughter atm. I know I sound like I'm full of shit but it's just how life has worked out.

I'd just reply and say "there shouldn't be any problem with her knowing what we've been up to then"

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 18:59

@lyadw he won't mind you getting confirmation then

PineOrange · 03/10/2022 19:01

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 18:59

@lyadw he won't mind you getting confirmation then

I think the "don't ask don't tell" is the get out clause 😂

GreenNinja · 03/10/2022 19:03

Who did he say he was on holiday with?

Passmealargewine · 03/10/2022 19:03

lyadw · 03/10/2022 18:58

Quickly unblocked him, and sent the following: You told me you were seperated, Does your wife know that you are?

His reply: I should hope so! Seperated for 9 years, Both see other people, on a 'don't ask don't tell' basis, We don't bring anyone home around our daughter. Our family and friends all know, Our lives are seperate in every way except raising our daughter. I know this is far from ideal but it works for our daughter atm. I know I sound like I'm full of shit but it's just how life has worked out.

If that was the truth then surely after 9 months he would have shared that information or at least alluded to it before you had to ask him?

Diva66 · 03/10/2022 19:05

My ex husband behaved like this. I was 22 years old and in another country. He was shagging the office typist. I was devastated but had the strength to get away. Tell her and then walk away unless you want to be involved in a messy divorce.

PineOrange · 03/10/2022 19:05

lyadw · 03/10/2022 18:58

Quickly unblocked him, and sent the following: You told me you were seperated, Does your wife know that you are?

His reply: I should hope so! Seperated for 9 years, Both see other people, on a 'don't ask don't tell' basis, We don't bring anyone home around our daughter. Our family and friends all know, Our lives are seperate in every way except raising our daughter. I know this is far from ideal but it works for our daughter atm. I know I sound like I'm full of shit but it's just how life has worked out.

Roughly translated this means I've been shagging arround for as long as I can remember and getting away with it whilst my wife deals with the house and childen so I have more time to spend with gullible women like you.

Courgeon · 03/10/2022 19:05

Does he mean they still live together but separated lives aside from childcare? I do know a few couples that do this but 9 years is a long time! It sounds like a weird situation and you probably don't want to get involved in it.

WeepingSomnambulist · 03/10/2022 19:06

Send him a screenshot of the photos from her FB page, calling him other half, captions of the "lovely couple" comments.

Tell him you're going to check in with his wife as you dont think he is being totally honest.

Courgeon · 03/10/2022 19:07

Oh sorry 9 months. Yep situations like this aren't as unusual as they seem. Where both parties are seeing other people.

TippyToesKnows · 03/10/2022 19:09

Just say OK, but you hate the idea of accidentally stealing another woman's man - if this is the case, would he mind you just checking in with her.

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 19:10

I would forward his replying and ask her if she could confirm this was true. You don't need to go into details, just say you feel you have been put in an uncomfortable situation.

PineOrange · 03/10/2022 19:13

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 19:10

I would forward his replying and ask her if she could confirm this was true. You don't need to go into details, just say you feel you have been put in an uncomfortable situation.

That's an excellent idea.

Sushi7 · 03/10/2022 19:13

@lyadw tell his wife that you’ve discovered your fwb is married and want to know if they’ve really separated. Also send her screenshots of texts/WhatsApp that show his phone number at the top. Very unusual to be separated for 9 years but still live together. How confusing for the poor child (if this is true).

dontputitthere · 03/10/2022 19:18

If they've been separated 9 years how old is the kid?!

Weird.

I'd also forward the message to her.

goodnighthunny · 03/10/2022 19:20

isthismylifenow · 03/10/2022 16:00

Just walk away.

By telling her you are involving yourself into his life even more.

But, what a piece of shit. As for how you are feeling, it's only natural but you can only believe what someone is telling you and how that lines up with their actions. You have done nothing wrong. I guess you are not his first affair then, sorry OP. He seems to have it mastered down to a tee.

This.

Courgeon · 03/10/2022 19:20

Agree 9 years is a weirdly long time, how old is the child?! The whole set up sounds strange....

Catastrophejane · 03/10/2022 19:20

This is a real dilemma…

I was in the wife’s position and I definitely wish someone had told me.

on the other hand, I know of someone who had an affair with a married man, got dumped by said Married man, so then told the wife…

I thought her behaviour was pretty spiteful.

that was a very different situation from yours OP, but it did make me realise that it’s just how you look at it.. ( telling her I mean)

the fact your intentions are good make me say you should tell her.

but you’ll never know how she’ll react.