Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out he's married and feel like a complete shitbag

290 replies

lyadw · 03/10/2022 15:49

I just found out the man I have been speaking to for the last nine months is married. I met him at a work event, He told me he was seperated with one child, He wasn't wearing a ring. I'm single with no children and was honest about the fact I'm not looking for anything serious, Just a bit of fun and maybe a friends with benefits type situation, He was fine with this. I work in his City once a month and he works in mine a few times per month so thought this sounded ideal for what I was looking for.

We swapped details the night we met and have kept in touch via whatsapp and facetime etc. We speak every day/night, Ranging from normal general chat to sexting/swapping pictures etc. We have also met up in person 8 times and had sex. I have never been to his house which I know is usually a red flag but it's something that genuinely never crossed my mind because I spend half my life staying in hotels due to my job, I thought it would be easier to meet him there..

I called and messaged him at will (as did he), He never missed a call from me no matter what time it was, We would chat on the phone/facetime at night for a few hours, I now have no idea how he did this if he was married. He was always available and never turned me down or tried to change the date of any meets we had. I had zero reason to think he was married.

We were due to meet up in a few weeks to spend the weekend together.

We were chatting last night and he mentioned he had recently done something to raise money for a certain charity. I have no idea why but after we finished talking something made me google it. I'm glad I did.

I found a few newspaper articles about it. It has pictures of him and his wife. It gave his wifes name in the article so she wasn't hard to find on facebook. His wife looks like a lovely woman, she looks so happy with him (and he with her) and their kid. Lots of pics of them looking happy together, them on holiday recently (looking back he told me he was going on holiday and we spoke from there a few times, he sent pictures to me of the views from the hotel etc), her saying how proud she is of him for the charity thing etc.

I have blocked him on everything, I will never contact him again but it's left me feeling like shit, I have never (knowingly) been with a married man and I have zero interest in stealing someone's husband etc.

Do I tell his wife or just walk away? If I tell her it feels like I would be throwing a bomb into her life then standing back and watching it explode. I don't want to hurt her.

I have never been in this situation before and want to do the right thing, Whatever that may be.

OP posts:
Courgeon · 03/10/2022 17:15

Block and don't tell. Personally I'm not an advocate of making your life more difficult than it needs to be and you have absolutely no idea how she'll respond and the impact on your life. Keep evidence however should she approach you if she finds out.

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 03/10/2022 17:17

Tell her for sure

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 17:18

@choolaboola what about the potential for other children to be brought into this mess due to ignorance of circumstance. Children's lives don't have to be ruined because their parents split up, else there is a huge proportion of parents/children who you have just insulted.

stitchinguru · 03/10/2022 17:21

People who are saying ‘don’t tell her’ need to have a very serious think.
I think most people who have been the victim of a cheating partner (and so many of us have!) would absolutely want to know.
I also feel this is an area where women need to show some solidarity - why are we making this easier?
I’m very sorry this happened to you OP - you and his poor wife deserve better than this entitled piece of shit!

ColeensBoot · 03/10/2022 17:22

Tell her.
So she can get STD tested.

As you might not be the only other woman.

Plus he will probably move on to have an affair again.

If it was me I would want to know.

PineOrange · 03/10/2022 17:24

Depends if you want to break the chain of abuse of this poor woman, his cheating will continue, I'm sure you have no doubt about that.

Some people in this world try to rectify injustices, others prefer to allow injustices to continue for fear of repercussions.

If you really disagree with his actions then I would do what you feel is morally right, you have no possible way of knowing whether the wife would want to know, personally I've never met a woman who didn't want agency over her own life and body, but it appears many posters believe being lied to is perfectly acceptable.

youlightupmyday · 03/10/2022 17:32

I wouldn't tell her. And would also block him.

People.think they want to know but when they are told then feel their hand is forced and they have to leave. The new shame is staying. You don't know what the family breaking up could do to her. You do not know her options. The more objective you can be the better.

I would.stay out of it

Doingprettywellthanks · 03/10/2022 17:32

9 months i. and you’d never done any Facebook or Instagram stalking?!

Doingprettywellthanks · 03/10/2022 17:33

Did he wear condoms?

wellhelloitsme · 03/10/2022 17:34

Doingprettywellthanks · 03/10/2022 17:33

Did he wear condoms?

This would be a huge factor for me in my next steps if I was you OP as he's likely to be doing this with various people and if he's doing it unprotected he's putting her sexual health at increased risk.

What a bastard. Sorry OP, this is such a shit situation for you to be going through. He's awful Flowers

ScurryfungeMaster · 03/10/2022 17:34

I'd want to know if it was my husband so that I didn't wasting any more of my life with an unfaithful man. But I can understand why you're reluctant to tell her, it's not a nice thing to have to tell someone.

TwoWrightFeet · 03/10/2022 17:36

How do you know he’s not separated from his wife? From what you say it sounds like he’s always free to chat to you. Maybe him and his wife just do things in public for show? Or it’s a marriage of convenience? If they are properly together I’m sure she would wonder who he is talking to each night.

Whataretheodds · 03/10/2022 17:36

If he's done this once he'll do it again. Nothing to say that kerping schtum will save the marriage or prevent the child's life turning upside down. If it does then that's his fault not OP's.

Cornflakegirll · 03/10/2022 17:38

Firstly I'm sorry you've been deceived like this.

What a creep.

I also think you should tell the wife. Send her all the evidence. She needs to have the absolute truth of her marriage and has the right to be able to make an informed decision moving on.

MeanOldPotato · 03/10/2022 17:40

I wouldnt tell the wife but I would tell him that you know and leave it at that.

adriftabroad · 03/10/2022 17:40

He[ll do it again and again and you were probably not his only FWB. Certainly will not be the last.

You were convenient.😕

Get checked and tell her and never engage with him again.

dontputitthere · 03/10/2022 17:42

I would tell her. You've done nothing wrong.

Don't beat yourself up over it

I met someone online who turned out to be married. We didn't get as far as you guys. But when I found out I told his wife. She was grateful and thanked me. Then I left them to it. I don't think she left him but that's up to her. At least she knew the truth.

Can't obviously promise she'll be the same. But I felt better that I'd at least told her so she could make her own mind up.

MinnieMountain · 03/10/2022 17:43

I’d tell her. As PP have said, it’s probably not the first time.

BIL cheated on an ex. I felt really sorry for her knowing that her relationship was a lie.

Courgeon · 03/10/2022 17:44

TwoWrightFeet · 03/10/2022 17:36

How do you know he’s not separated from his wife? From what you say it sounds like he’s always free to chat to you. Maybe him and his wife just do things in public for show? Or it’s a marriage of convenience? If they are properly together I’m sure she would wonder who he is talking to each night.

Exactly this. You just don't know. I know of at least one separated couple who still go on holiday together and go for meals with the kids. Wouldn't be my choice if separated but that's how they operate. Also you have no idea of what she's like in terms of her personality, she could make life difficult for you, your children, your professional reputation? Sorry you're in this awkward position op. I would extricate yourself from it with minimum interaction with either of them.

CaptainMum · 03/10/2022 17:45

Tell the wife. You've done nothing wrong, I'm sorry you're in this situation. As a wife I would 100% prefer to know. With evidence preferably!

ThirtyThreeTrees · 03/10/2022 17:46

Difficult one but if I was the wife, I would 100% want to know. She's living with a cheat and is potentially exposed to STIs.

She probably won't thank you for it (at least initially) but you have done nothing wrong. You didn't know and stopped it as soon as you found out. You also have evidence so there is no speculation.

MsDogLady · 03/10/2022 17:46

@lyadw, you are grateful that you’re no longer in the dark. Doesn’t this innocent woman deserve the same?

He has already destroyed his family with his lies/cheating and atrocious double life. He’s happy to fool his Wife and Child, steal his W’s choices, and risk her health.

Please tell her.

Cosycover · 03/10/2022 17:49

I'd tell her.

ReneBumsWombats · 03/10/2022 17:50

I wouldn't tell her because it would involve me in drama and I don't know their situation and what the outcome would be for her mental health etc.

But as you are actually involved in this situation, it's up to you. You're not an unconnected stranger.

If you do tell her, don't be anonymous. Be open and upfront.

If you don't tell her, let the rat think that you will...

Dery · 03/10/2022 17:50

“How do you know he’s not separated from his wife? From what you say it sounds like he’s always free to chat to you. Maybe him and his wife just do things in public for show? Or it’s a marriage of convenience? If they are properly together I’m sure she would wonder who he is talking to each night.”

Given that he was always able to talk to you and downs appear to have been hiding his relationship with you, I think this is worth checking. Let him know you know he’s married and see how he responds.