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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out he's married and feel like a complete shitbag

290 replies

lyadw · 03/10/2022 15:49

I just found out the man I have been speaking to for the last nine months is married. I met him at a work event, He told me he was seperated with one child, He wasn't wearing a ring. I'm single with no children and was honest about the fact I'm not looking for anything serious, Just a bit of fun and maybe a friends with benefits type situation, He was fine with this. I work in his City once a month and he works in mine a few times per month so thought this sounded ideal for what I was looking for.

We swapped details the night we met and have kept in touch via whatsapp and facetime etc. We speak every day/night, Ranging from normal general chat to sexting/swapping pictures etc. We have also met up in person 8 times and had sex. I have never been to his house which I know is usually a red flag but it's something that genuinely never crossed my mind because I spend half my life staying in hotels due to my job, I thought it would be easier to meet him there..

I called and messaged him at will (as did he), He never missed a call from me no matter what time it was, We would chat on the phone/facetime at night for a few hours, I now have no idea how he did this if he was married. He was always available and never turned me down or tried to change the date of any meets we had. I had zero reason to think he was married.

We were due to meet up in a few weeks to spend the weekend together.

We were chatting last night and he mentioned he had recently done something to raise money for a certain charity. I have no idea why but after we finished talking something made me google it. I'm glad I did.

I found a few newspaper articles about it. It has pictures of him and his wife. It gave his wifes name in the article so she wasn't hard to find on facebook. His wife looks like a lovely woman, she looks so happy with him (and he with her) and their kid. Lots of pics of them looking happy together, them on holiday recently (looking back he told me he was going on holiday and we spoke from there a few times, he sent pictures to me of the views from the hotel etc), her saying how proud she is of him for the charity thing etc.

I have blocked him on everything, I will never contact him again but it's left me feeling like shit, I have never (knowingly) been with a married man and I have zero interest in stealing someone's husband etc.

Do I tell his wife or just walk away? If I tell her it feels like I would be throwing a bomb into her life then standing back and watching it explode. I don't want to hurt her.

I have never been in this situation before and want to do the right thing, Whatever that may be.

OP posts:
Hothammock · 03/10/2022 16:40

Tell her and let some good come of the situation.

RueValens · 03/10/2022 16:43

I would tell her. I have previously done this in the past. If you don't want to get involved, I would suggest making a fake Facebook profile and sending her the proof - screenshots of your calls and texts.

Tlolljs · 03/10/2022 16:47

But you knew he was married?

MsCactus · 03/10/2022 16:48

Honestly? I'd just walk away.

In my experience men turn it around and say it's you if you try to tell their wife/partner - had a similar experience that was awful and left me wishing I'd kept my mouth shut. She might not believe you even if you have evidence and he denies it.

Saying that... If I was the woman, I'd want to know. But not every woman wants to know

parrotonthesofa · 03/10/2022 16:49

I think I would tell her although difficult to know unless you're une that situation.
As the wife I would want to know.

Original poster
lyadw · 03/10/2022 16:53

Thanks everyone.

All their friends calling them a lovely couple, saying how proud they are of his charity stuff, wife calling him her 'other half' on fb.. Looks like they have been married for 12 years from what I can gather.

He doesn't have my address, And we live about 400 miles away from each other.

He can try saying I'm crazy or stalking him but not sure that would work, I have the complete whatsapp conversation with text/pictures/videos/voice clips. In some of them he talks about his 'ex wife' how he fell out of love with her long ago which is why they seperated etc. He has sent face pics to show its him, and also intimate pics and videos.

Its just hit me he has done all of this out in the open, He gave me his real name, his real age, I know his birthday, his kids name.. All of it was the truth (apart from being seperated) so he wasn't even trying to hide any of it.

OP posts:
Hugocat1 · 03/10/2022 16:53

Tell her. She might not believe you but she deserves to know.

I was that wife. Only I got accused of cheating with him on her…

Original poster
lyadw · 03/10/2022 16:54

Tlolljs · 03/10/2022 16:47

But you knew he was married?

I didn't which is the point of this thread..

OP posts:
momtoboys · 03/10/2022 16:55

I wouldn't tell her. Let he live in her lovely life. You have no loyalty to her, you don't even know her. Just move on with your life having enjoyed the fun you had with him. He'll do it with someone else (may already be) and she will surely find out at some point.

momtoboys · 03/10/2022 16:55

Oh, and you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You did the right things.

choolaboola · 03/10/2022 16:57

I wouldn't tell. I would block and move on - you are going to turn someone's world upside down by doing that (yes it is 100% his fault) but don't make a bad situation worse. My OH answered a phone call from the "other woman" when he was 13 and even though the family swept it under the carpet, it grates on him. You can tell.
Just move on.

PeloFondo · 03/10/2022 16:57

I've just been in the same situation, dating him for 10 months and they were together 10 years
Didn't have a clue
I told her. I would have wanted to know if my partner was sleeping in someone else's bed and telling them how much they loved them which is why I told her

PeloFondo · 03/10/2022 16:57

Oh and I sent screenshots of texts/WhatsApp so I couldn't be blamed

Skelligsfeathers · 03/10/2022 16:58

Just walk away.
I wouldn't want to be told by the other woman.

soggydigestives · 03/10/2022 17:03

I think that the fact you only wanted a friends with benefits type of thing made him think he could have his cake and eat it. He sounds like an absolute shitbag, but not your fault. I would tell her yes, she has a right to know what he's like.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/10/2022 17:04

I’m so so sorry 😞

no I wouldn’t tell her
it might rebound on you in some way and you are hurt enough right now
walk Away and look after yourself

what a horrible thing to happen
gutting x

Milkand2sugarsplease · 03/10/2022 17:07

I would want to know.

I would tell her but make sure you tell her in one go so you can avoid having to have a back and forth with her about it.

Compile your evidence and give it to her in one go and let her decide what she wants to do with that.

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 17:09

I can never believe the people who say 'dont tell the wife' I think it is all the men masquerading on Mumsnet who say this.
Who the f**k wants to find out 5/10 years later that the person they married is a shitbag, by which time they might have more kids. Do it earlier and then there is more time for that poor woman to move on and recover her life if she wants to. If she doesnt then it may alert her to pay more attention and get rid next time...coz there will be a next time.

silverclock222 · 03/10/2022 17:10

Please tell her, I would want to know - wouldn't you?

ChilliBandit · 03/10/2022 17:12

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 17:09

I can never believe the people who say 'dont tell the wife' I think it is all the men masquerading on Mumsnet who say this.
Who the f**k wants to find out 5/10 years later that the person they married is a shitbag, by which time they might have more kids. Do it earlier and then there is more time for that poor woman to move on and recover her life if she wants to. If she doesnt then it may alert her to pay more attention and get rid next time...coz there will be a next time.

I am definitely a woman. I just think it’s not the OP’s responsibility if she doesn’t want the hassle. I don’t think the wife should be kept in the dark but it’s not necessarily the OP’s job to tell her. If OP wants to tell her that’s her call.

Noteverybodylives · 03/10/2022 17:12

He may have been separated which is why he could talk so freely.

Or like a recent thread, the wife knows but ignores it as it’s convenient for her.

I personally wouldn’t tell her.

Yes I would want to know myself but I think once she knows she’s then going to have to make a massive decision.
I’m not sure I could have that on my conscience.

choolaboola · 03/10/2022 17:13

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 17:09

I can never believe the people who say 'dont tell the wife' I think it is all the men masquerading on Mumsnet who say this.
Who the f**k wants to find out 5/10 years later that the person they married is a shitbag, by which time they might have more kids. Do it earlier and then there is more time for that poor woman to move on and recover her life if she wants to. If she doesnt then it may alert her to pay more attention and get rid next time...coz there will be a next time.

Yep I'm absolutely a woman too, I just don't want an innocent childs life being turned upside down.

Crumpleton · 03/10/2022 17:13

Unblock him and call him out.
Send him a screen shot of him and his wife together, see what he has to say.

Wibbly1008 · 03/10/2022 17:15

Just walk away. Don’t be the one to leave mess in your wake, she will end up forgiving him and you will end up labelled the Scarlett woman.

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 17:15

@ChilliBandit if it's not @lyadw responsibility to tell...who is going to? Certainly not the cheating shitty husband purporting to be a caring loving partner. If the wife already knows and is ignoring she will do and say nothing to @lyadw