Just found out he's married and feel like a complete shitbag

[lyadw]

I just found out the man I have been speaking to for the last nine months is married. I met him at a work event, He told me he was seperated with one child, He wasn't wearing a ring. I'm single with no children and was honest about the fact I'm not looking for anything serious, Just a bit of fun and maybe a friends with benefits type situation, He was fine with this. I work in his City once a month and he works in mine a few times per month so thought this sounded ideal for what I was looking for.

We swapped details the night we met and have kept in touch via whatsapp and facetime etc. We speak every day/night, Ranging from normal general chat to sexting/swapping pictures etc. We have also met up in person 8 times and had sex. I have never been to his house which I know is usually a red flag but it's something that genuinely never crossed my mind because I spend half my life staying in hotels due to my job, I thought it would be easier to meet him there..

I called and messaged him at will (as did he), He never missed a call from me no matter what time it was, We would chat on the phone/facetime at night for a few hours, I now have no idea how he did this if he was married. He was always available and never turned me down or tried to change the date of any meets we had. I had zero reason to think he was married.

We were due to meet up in a few weeks to spend the weekend together.

We were chatting last night and he mentioned he had recently done something to raise money for a certain charity. I have no idea why but after we finished talking something made me google it. I'm glad I did.

I found a few newspaper articles about it. It has pictures of him and his wife. It gave his wifes name in the article so she wasn't hard to find on facebook. His wife looks like a lovely woman, she looks so happy with him (and he with her) and their kid. Lots of pics of them looking happy together, them on holiday recently (looking back he told me he was going on holiday and we spoke from there a few times, he sent pictures to me of the views from the hotel etc), her saying how proud she is of him for the charity thing etc.

I have blocked him on everything, I will never contact him again but it's left me feeling like shit, I have never (knowingly) been with a married man and I have zero interest in stealing someone's husband etc.

Do I tell his wife or just walk away? If I tell her it feels like I would be throwing a bomb into her life then standing back and watching it explode. I don't want to hurt her.

I have never been in this situation before and want to do the right thing, Whatever that may be.

Arguing with Chillie Bandit feels like arguing with the ex husband or ow 😂

Not an ex-wife or an OW. Was just advocating for the OP who is also an innocent party in this. This board is insane. I can’t believe any of you would actually do some of the things you are suggesting in real life. Just easier to watch from behind a screen.

It's not really rocket science or a surprise that she found out he was married though is it.

Ignorance is all well and good but you need to check the smallprint before you go ahead and act.

Exactly, seems like a soap opera plot. I've come across similarish situations in real life, I have a fair few single friends who've inadvertently dated men in this situation or similar, once they're in full possession of the facts they've made a decision to quietly leave it, no drama, no messaging, no forwarding of screen shots. Some of the posts on here read as if they're seeking their own private retribution via the op. One friend found out via social media that her long distance partner was in fact seeing someone else. She didn't go messaging the woman in question, she ended the relationship and walked away quietly with her dignity intact.

See to me I wanted to tell her because I would want to know and also men keep getting away with it. If I hadn't said anything she would have married him unknowingly while he lied to her and probably cheated with someone else
She thanked me for telling her

It wasn't revenge as such but more "hey why should he be allowed to do this and hurt her in future and I know about it and don't say anything?"

@Courgeon I suggest you change your name, courage is having a necessary but difficult conversation

My dignity is intact too heartbroken as I did nothing wrong. I ditched him immediately when I found out, and told her
The only person with no dignity is him

Looking at this situation though IMO you were right.
Better she found out before the marriage and who knows any future DC were involved.

@Crumpleton already a child involved

@Hdhabvdhhebsb what has the poster’s username got to do with having courage? How strange.

@Hdhabvdhhebsb Courgeon is a place in France…

Being honest do you want to tell her for her sake or yours?
You' ll see a very different side of this cheater now your not playing along, and his version of events will be far from actual reality. Some wives are very weak and gullible and cling to this much preferred fake version as easier not to rock the boat, so be warned, you might not get the result your looking for by telling her.

Oh ok lol, I misread

@lyadw good outcome and well handled...Nice to see not every situation has to be negative

I'd tell. If it were me and I was obliviously happy with my hubby and 4kids, I'd still want to know. It would blow things up sure, but then healing can happen, whether we try to work it out or divorce. But if you leave and say nothing and it happens again, what if that next woman isn't as kind as you to leave? What if that next one causes drama? That would hurt my kids and me more. Or to find out another way and question so many things. I'd prefer to be told.