Just found out he's married and feel like a complete shitbag

[lyadw]

I just found out the man I have been speaking to for the last nine months is married. I met him at a work event, He told me he was seperated with one child, He wasn't wearing a ring. I'm single with no children and was honest about the fact I'm not looking for anything serious, Just a bit of fun and maybe a friends with benefits type situation, He was fine with this. I work in his City once a month and he works in mine a few times per month so thought this sounded ideal for what I was looking for.

We swapped details the night we met and have kept in touch via whatsapp and facetime etc. We speak every day/night, Ranging from normal general chat to sexting/swapping pictures etc. We have also met up in person 8 times and had sex. I have never been to his house which I know is usually a red flag but it's something that genuinely never crossed my mind because I spend half my life staying in hotels due to my job, I thought it would be easier to meet him there..

I called and messaged him at will (as did he), He never missed a call from me no matter what time it was, We would chat on the phone/facetime at night for a few hours, I now have no idea how he did this if he was married. He was always available and never turned me down or tried to change the date of any meets we had. I had zero reason to think he was married.

We were due to meet up in a few weeks to spend the weekend together.

We were chatting last night and he mentioned he had recently done something to raise money for a certain charity. I have no idea why but after we finished talking something made me google it. I'm glad I did.

I found a few newspaper articles about it. It has pictures of him and his wife. It gave his wifes name in the article so she wasn't hard to find on facebook. His wife looks like a lovely woman, she looks so happy with him (and he with her) and their kid. Lots of pics of them looking happy together, them on holiday recently (looking back he told me he was going on holiday and we spoke from there a few times, he sent pictures to me of the views from the hotel etc), her saying how proud she is of him for the charity thing etc.

I have blocked him on everything, I will never contact him again but it's left me feeling like shit, I have never (knowingly) been with a married man and I have zero interest in stealing someone's husband etc.

Do I tell his wife or just walk away? If I tell her it feels like I would be throwing a bomb into her life then standing back and watching it explode. I don't want to hurt her.

I have never been in this situation before and want to do the right thing, Whatever that may be.

Glad it has been clarified by his wife, as it would have been if you had messaged her...not overly dramatic at all if people are going to appear in public one way and the do something completely different behind closed doors and not expect people who have morals to feel ill at easy with the setup without clarification from potential injured party

It’s a complicated story. It happens. The big but is he wasn’t honest. He could have told you this from the start. But if it’s not a serious relationship you can walk away and find someone with less commitments maybe?

9 months though
And not to once Google him, check out FB or Instagram or anything

You didn’t want anything serious?

9 months and We would chat on the phone/facetime at night for a few hours,

would indicate that it was serious

Oh no... What is your point? Why is it your business? What if OP DID start to catch feelings? She still didn't do anything wrong. Her life is not yours. Worry about yourself. It's not get job to play detective. My God the self righteous indignation on this thread.

I agree, the baying hordes didn’t get the fireworks they wanted so now they’ve turned on the OP. The responses on this thread are very strange.

Good grief!! 😂

Don't know if you are including me in the 'baying hordes' but my point all along has been to message the wife, because if the wife knows (as in this case) she won't care if you ask about the setup (as she didn't) and if she doesn't, you will give her the opportunity to make informed decisions about her future...and I still stand by that.

@Hdhabvdhhebsb - that’s pretty disingenuous - you were talking about the OP “dropping the bomb” absolutely convinced the man was cheating on his wife.

Yes you have a point. Actually I don't know why I didn't see it before. Users like that and the army of users trying to push OP to do something that could clearly start drama that she is not involved in are clearly not trying to help OP or the wife in question. This isn't even about morality for them. They just want a show. Their soap operas on Netflix or amazon prime aren't enough for them. They want to throw a match onto the gasoline and watch it burn for their personal entertainment.

Definitely tell her.

Fair enough then. If you're okay with that situation, which I believe you only wanted fun anyway you should be.

I always advocate talking to the person you're with first before jumping to conclusions.^
If the person is a liar they'll just lie again though. Plenty of adulterous men will falsely tell anyone else they're seeing is over in all but name. I'm not saying this is what happened in OP's scenario, but it does in many.

He admitted he should have maybe told me his situation but also said he is aware how it sounds and it puts a lot of people off.

He still lied though @lyadw for his own gain. Not ok.

As PP's said, I recommend waiting for the divorce. It's ethical, as he's married and you know that now. Also, people often give their marriage another go, so he could do that and ditch you at any time for that reason.

All this over over getting together less than once month and something you say you never saw as serious?

Yes you have a point. Actually I don't know why I didn't see it before.
Users like that and the army of users trying to push OP to do something
that could clearly start drama that she is not involved in are clearly
not trying to help OP or the wife in question. This isn't even about
morality for them. They just want a show. Their soap operas on Netflix
or amazon prime aren't enough for them. They want to throw a match onto
the gasoline and watch it burn for their personal entertainment

Whereas, the posters who advocate affairs and are not keen on exposing the truth are not eager for drama ?
What's dramatic about unearthing the truth of a situation.
Affairs are drama, op has learnt the truth now can go ahead with a clear concience.

Baying hoards 😅

I’ve seen this said about this board before and I always rolled by eyes at the accusation but this thread has really hit home to be how true it is. These are people’s lives, not some movie script playing out. I really worry about more vulnerable people being egged on to do things.

Yep completely agree, they weren't concerned about the ops well being they were coming at it entirely from their own perspective and need. Allowing emotions to cloud their judgement. Contacting a person unknown to you out of the blue without the full set of facts at your disposal is stalkerish and potentially harmful to the op. It's not her responsibility to "right" one man's behaviour in case he "gets away with it again" on behalf of the "sisterhood". Utter nonsense.

@ChilliBandit I echoed the OPs terminology with that expression. Perhaps you would like to imagine that wives in general do not want to know if their husbands are cheating, but as many of us have said, this is not the case and their husbands are certainly not going to tell them if they are, so who else will...or are you advocating 'what the eye doesn't see' mentality? And if you are in the scenario of the wife in this case, then she wouldn't have an issue with you clarifying, so not sure why you are so adamant that contacting and telling/asking the wife is a bad idea.

Yep completely agree, they weren't concerned about the ops well being
they were coming at it entirely from their own perspective and need.
Allowing emotions to cloud their judgement. Contacting a person unknown
to you out of the blue without the full set of facts at your disposal is
stalkerish and potentially harmful to the op. It's not her
responsibility to "right" one man's behaviour in case he "gets away with
it again" on behalf of the "sisterhood". Utter nonsense

He was having sex with another woman, whilst married, if op had not asked then her relationship would have ended, now she has all the facts she can if she wishes carry on with her original arrangement.

I think it's all a crock anyway but keep blasting away for the glory 😉

If it's true then it's an unusual situation, was this conversation by phone or video call ?

Op are you going to continue seeing him ?

There is a difference between saying to the OP this is not your circus, protect yourself and walk away and advocating an affair. I’d be interested to see the reactions to the OW from the women on here saying they’d want to know. Highly unlikely the OP would have been lauded a hero for exposing the truth by the wife if he had been having an affair. People on here weren’t advocating the OP to do some digging to find out the truth, they wanted the bombshell message to the wife, then the updates about the ensuing mess. To pretend otherwise in insincere. As it happens the OP thankfully didn’t listen and took a sensible route.

@Courgeon What impact on well being to the OP do you think was going to happen? She lives 400 miles away. Stalkerish? Have you accused @lyadw of that for checking out the wife on Facebook? Where does checking out cross over into stalkerish? How about the well being of the wife? I was advocating telling her....for the wife's well being. You see one side, because you haven't been there, same as I see the other because I have.

As it happens the OP thankfully didn’t listen and took a sensible route

She did listen, it's just that after being unearthed as a liar he decided to control the situation.

He lied about being married when there was no need, for 9 months, if op meant so little to him being just a fwb for a one a month shag, why wasn't he upfront ?

No, he's got a friend to pretend to be the wife so this ow doesn't blow his marriage up.
He's still lying. 😅

Yes because no one’s mental health was ever damaged remotely. Physical harm isn’t the only harm. Why are you advocating for the wife? You don’t know her, neither does the OP. The OP had zero responsibility for the man’s betrayal or the wife’s well-being. Your situation isn’t this situation. Perhaps stop projecting.

@ChilliBandit utter shite. I am pleased that the OP has clarified the situation and can move forward with someone whom she actually likes without wondering if she is making a situation worse. I am pleased that there has been a sort of honest man and I am happy that the wife is in an honest (between herself and husband) situation. Anyone who has been left in the dark by their partner, however, would never wish that pain on anyone, but rather that pain than ignorance and feeling that your life is a fraud...there is more pain there.

@ChilliBandit why wouldn't I advocate for the potentially innocent party...that seems an odd question to me. Yes I project due to life experience, I'm not sure why you think that that is irrelevant given the OPs initial question.