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Original poster

Just found out he's married and feel like a complete shitbag

290 replies

lyadw · 03/10/2022 15:49

I just found out the man I have been speaking to for the last nine months is married. I met him at a work event, He told me he was seperated with one child, He wasn't wearing a ring. I'm single with no children and was honest about the fact I'm not looking for anything serious, Just a bit of fun and maybe a friends with benefits type situation, He was fine with this. I work in his City once a month and he works in mine a few times per month so thought this sounded ideal for what I was looking for.

We swapped details the night we met and have kept in touch via whatsapp and facetime etc. We speak every day/night, Ranging from normal general chat to sexting/swapping pictures etc. We have also met up in person 8 times and had sex. I have never been to his house which I know is usually a red flag but it's something that genuinely never crossed my mind because I spend half my life staying in hotels due to my job, I thought it would be easier to meet him there..

I called and messaged him at will (as did he), He never missed a call from me no matter what time it was, We would chat on the phone/facetime at night for a few hours, I now have no idea how he did this if he was married. He was always available and never turned me down or tried to change the date of any meets we had. I had zero reason to think he was married.

We were due to meet up in a few weeks to spend the weekend together.

We were chatting last night and he mentioned he had recently done something to raise money for a certain charity. I have no idea why but after we finished talking something made me google it. I'm glad I did.

I found a few newspaper articles about it. It has pictures of him and his wife. It gave his wifes name in the article so she wasn't hard to find on facebook. His wife looks like a lovely woman, she looks so happy with him (and he with her) and their kid. Lots of pics of them looking happy together, them on holiday recently (looking back he told me he was going on holiday and we spoke from there a few times, he sent pictures to me of the views from the hotel etc), her saying how proud she is of him for the charity thing etc.

I have blocked him on everything, I will never contact him again but it's left me feeling like shit, I have never (knowingly) been with a married man and I have zero interest in stealing someone's husband etc.

Do I tell his wife or just walk away? If I tell her it feels like I would be throwing a bomb into her life then standing back and watching it explode. I don't want to hurt her.

I have never been in this situation before and want to do the right thing, Whatever that may be.

OP posts:
BeanStew22 · 03/10/2022 17:51

Sorry this happened to you: you are blameless in this situation

I think you should contact her & tell her: I’d want to know if my ‘DH’ had been lying to me & compromising my health

The child’s situation is for them to deal with & if he’s cheated once he will do it again. If I were the wife I’d like to know as even if I tried to make a go of it (unlikely) I’d be more wary to protect own finances, limit no of kids to what I could cope with as a single parent etc

But mostly: why WOULDNT you tell? He’s taken you for a fool, why should he not face some consequences

Dery · 03/10/2022 17:51

… doesn’t appear to have been hiding…

butterfliedtwo · 03/10/2022 17:51

TwoWrightFeet · 03/10/2022 17:36

How do you know he’s not separated from his wife? From what you say it sounds like he’s always free to chat to you. Maybe him and his wife just do things in public for show? Or it’s a marriage of convenience? If they are properly together I’m sure she would wonder who he is talking to each night.

Exactly. Don't assume she doesn't know.

Totalityloss · 03/10/2022 17:54

Tell her.

Mochalatteeyeahyaya · 03/10/2022 18:00

butterfliedtwo · 03/10/2022 17:51

Exactly. Don't assume she doesn't know.

Show quote history

This..

I know of one couple who seperate last summer, yet still live and act as one, in social media it's all I love you bumpkins ! everyone on the outside sees a loved up couple, no one sees behind the doors that his bed is in the living room , that they argue night and day,..

He's not been hiding you, never missed a call even at night ?, I know there is no way I'd stand for my DH spending hours of our night time ( assuming both work and is only time.) Away speaking on his phone in another room and not be annoyed by it... Has he ever finished the call abruptly ? Or been "cut off "...

Or , it could be the wife is suspicious , she's maybe being told he's in a FIFA etc match ,he's scored a goal so taken his top off, for the times he sends pics ?.

SacredDeer · 03/10/2022 18:01

Tell her, as others have suggested, send a message with proof. Especially the proof of him saying they were separated etc

I don't see how not telling her could work, who knows if in 5 years time she finds out for herself and it all comes to light then? Get it out of the way now and move on from this as you've done nothing wrong.

A lot of affairs begin by a lie, many other women get tarred as being the home wrecker but many have been suckered in by lies from the start believing as you did that this man was separated. Absolute rats these men really are. Boils my wee. Definitely tell her the truth.

Ludwig1 · 03/10/2022 18:03

Please tell her. Yes it might be hard for her to hear but it would be a damn sight harder to hear it years down the line. What if she has another child with him. As someone said uptrend it gives her a chance to move on with her life. Sorry this happened to you

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 18:06

If they are already separated then there is no harm done except that the wife may choose not to put lovey dovey photos on her public social media and make herself look like a mug to those that her husband has slept with.

savethebeesandthecees · 03/10/2022 18:06

I'd keep well out of it.

She won't thank you and probably won't believe you.

savethebeesandthecees · 03/10/2022 18:09

savethebeesandthecees · 03/10/2022 18:06

I'd keep well out of it.

She won't thank you and probably won't believe you.

And I say that from having been in a similar situation many years ago

Rocketclub · 03/10/2022 18:10

Pineappleflowers · 03/10/2022 15:59

Tell the wife. I’d want to know.

Plus thensooner they break up the sooner she has a chance of an actual real marriage with someone else.

I’m sorry OP.

Please tell her and send her your exact message and screen shots and write exactly as you wrote here and that you have finished it and had no idea and wish her no harm. Include all the facts and your contact details

StarDolphins · 03/10/2022 18:10

I would tell the wife, I would absolutely want to know.

you shouldn’t feel bad, he should. You didn’t know he was married. What a dirt bag he is. His poor wife.

Original poster
lyadw · 03/10/2022 18:11

Doingprettywellthanks · 03/10/2022 17:32

9 months i. and you’d never done any Facebook or Instagram stalking?!

No, I think it's because I didn't want anything serious, I didn't view him as a boyfriend etc He was literally someone I met to have fun with and nothing more. I'm also not a huge social media user myself and rarely go on the one's I do have.

OP posts:
Original poster
lyadw · 03/10/2022 18:11

Doingprettywellthanks · 03/10/2022 17:33

Did he wear condoms?

Yes he did.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 03/10/2022 18:12

I would tell her- can you imagine if she suspects , but has no proof. I would want to know

LifeIsaRollerCoaster1 · 03/10/2022 18:15

I'd tell her. If my husband was doing this I'd want to know. He's done it once and will no doubt do it again, she deserves better and not only this he's putting her health at risk, she should know. What a horrible man.

Moveoverdarlin · 03/10/2022 18:16

Walk away, head held high. Don’t tell her, don’t be that crazy, woman scorned, mentalist. If you say nothing and behave with dignity he’ll feel worse knowing how he treated you. If you tell her, you ruin so many lives. Not just his little family of three but the grandparents are probably very invested. Nothing has stressed my elderly parents out more than when my SIL cheated on my brother and the family was torn apart. Say nothing, if he’s the shit he seems to be, he’ll do it again and she’ll find out one day.

GyozaGuiting · 03/10/2022 18:16

I would tell her but definitely back it with evidence and remain factual.

lannistunut · 03/10/2022 18:16

OP, you have done NOTHING wrong. You have ended it as soon as you found out.

I am so sorry this happened to you Brew

You can tell the wife next week, or next month, or never. You don't have to decide anything right now, take some time to catch your breath.

StarsQuitShining · 03/10/2022 18:18

It’s hard to believe really. The fact he’s not really tried very hard to hide it and that he was always available. 🤨

I think the right thing to do is to tell his wife, but I wouldn’t. Completely selfishly to protect myself. I wouldn’t want any drama or trouble in my life that may come from his anger or his wife’s desire to talk to me to ask questions and know the truth. I would just want it to be over.

WhileAFoxIsWatching · 03/10/2022 18:21

stitchinguru · 03/10/2022 17:21

People who are saying ‘don’t tell her’ need to have a very serious think.
I think most people who have been the victim of a cheating partner (and so many of us have!) would absolutely want to know.
I also feel this is an area where women need to show some solidarity - why are we making this easier?
I’m very sorry this happened to you OP - you and his poor wife deserve better than this entitled piece of shit!

I'm all for OW showing female solidarity with the betrayed wife. But some wives don't show solidarity with other women. They shoot the messenger, finding it more comfortable to believe in a scarlet woman than in a husband who happily betrayed them.

MayThe4th · 03/10/2022 18:23

No I wouldn’t tell her.

I think it’s one thing for a e.g a best friend to tell someone that they know their partner is cheating, because they can be there for them for the fallout, but it’s quite another for a stranger to tell someone they’ve been sleeping with their husband and to then disappear after sending them your intimate pictures as proof.

You will look like a deranged OW, and even if he admits it, he will likely say that you are annoyed because he dumped you.

There is literally no way to prove that you didn’t know he was married. Now you know, you owe it to yourself and to her not to get involved in her marriage any further.

DaughterofDawn · 03/10/2022 18:24

As much as I think it would be ideal for her to know you also need to take your safety and mental health into consideration first. I have a lot of anxiety about situations like this and if I was in your position and told the wife my mental health would plummet for WEEKS. So you have to ask yourself what you can handle. You are not obligated to do anything more than what you have already done. Which is cutting him out of your life and moving on from a f**ked up situation.

PurpleWisteria1 · 03/10/2022 18:26

Don’t tell her. You’ve no business telling her. For all you know she could know about his affairs and turn a blind eye. Happens all the time.
You are not going to see him anymore and that is your business in the matter concluded. What he chooses to do is not your business going forward.

BlackandJello · 03/10/2022 18:29

I would tell him that you know and see what he has to say.

Based on that I would then think about telling his wife although really it should come from him.

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