Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

The question is op,

What if he decides that the other woman is worth the split and financial Agro?
What if you get hit with divorce papers out of the blue?
Is it worth looking at your ducks quietly to see exactly where you stand, and maybe shore up your defences

What if he falls in love with her and leaves you though?

It's always best to have a plan op.

Would not do this in a million years.
And I've been through the mill.

I believe this is how they do it in France! Though I may have read too many novels.

People are hellbent on demonising affairs on here. I genuinely think if I found out my partner was having an affair I'd choose to ignore it, for very similar reasons that you stated above.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Does he know you know?

It's up to you, OP. But yes, explore the what ifs and get your ducks in a row, in case you are served with divorce papers.

I work in finance - I probably have more of an idea of where I would stand than he does!

I suppose if he was going to leave for her he would have already. I found out about her around 6 months after it started and I’ve done my due diligence.

He may choose to leave when the kids are grown but so do many men.

My heart would be broken into a thousand pieces

couldn’t live an unauthentic life…you only have one and it’s one way you don’t get to reset

Fair enough I suppose. Does he know you know?

I would definitely have a plan B as others have said but if you can live with the situation then tbh crack on.

Heck if it’s working, you do you.

Personally I’d want protection from STDs and a backup/ducks in a row plan.

But it’s great if it works for you.

I’ve always said if it was just about sex I’m fine with using a professional. But that’s never happened.

Very French.

If it works crack on.

I'd have a plan B though.

To be honest after a point sometimes affairs are expected, I wonder if my ex really is having an affair, based on second hand information.

Doesn’t it come into your mind when you’re having sex with him?

No I wouldn't live like this , my self respect wouldn't allow it . It's not a good role model for kids and it would be the constant elephant in the room .

What about your children?
My friends dad had an affair for years, her mum knew but my friend didn’t know this. When she was in her early teens she overheard her dad talking to his girlfriend, on the phone. My friend couldn’t bring herself to tell her mum so kept the ‘secret’ to herself for 6 years until it all came to a head and her dad left the family for the girlfriend.
It has royally fucked up my friend, even decades later.
This set up may work for you initally but it may have much longer, deeper implications.

@FluffySocksAndHotChocolate well I suppose he already is in love in with her. It’s been going on for 2 plus years.

The question is how that impacts on me, which it doesn’t. I am happy with our life together. Today we got up, had a family brunch, took the kids to various clubs. This evening we’ve cuddled on the sofa with a bottle of wine and the fire on and watched a favourite movie. We’ve laughed and made plans for tomorrow. Him “loving” another woman hasn’t affected my life.

don’t get me wrong here, if he was being awful and picking faults and sneaking off with his phone all the time it would be a different story.

I’d rather be poor than put up with someone disrespecting me.

I hope you have plan B in place just in case he decides he’s off,

I've two friends one a wife with a family great lifestyle. Husband a serial philander she's ignored for decades he's now too old to cheat. It's hit the kids hard in the past.

The other older rich guy young wife. She cheated for years. He's dying now a better more caring nurse you couldn't find than her. Folks are strange

Of course I have a plan b. I’m financially stable on my own, I’d hire a nanny (although kids old enough now not to really need one). Things would be sold and everyone would move on.

It would create absolute chaos for everyone. The kids, for me, for him.

The question isn’t one of self respect, life isn’t black and white like that

Meh, if it works for you, it works. I'm horribly jealous (my own insecurities!) and I think I would struggle with it. I would constantly compare myself to the Other Woman and find myself wanting, whether that was true or not.

If you are OK with it, why not discuss it with him and live with a more open dialogue? Do you have any interest in seeing someone else romantically as well?

What about the other woman , is she also married with kids , she has probably been told a pack of lies about how your marriage is dead in the water and he's only there for the kids . An awful lot of deceit everywhere and won't end well

Is marriage a financial transaction? So sad that people get married at all. I never would, especially if that meant sharing a house with someone who is sharing their secretions with others and then sometimes sharing those with me. What if he has children with the woman? Besides being trampy, it inevitably means sharing your children's money and inheritance with those children. The man's an utter tramp.