Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

Because if the OP tells him she knows then that changes the whole dynamic of the situation.
Isn't the key that the OP is happy with the way things are now? Why seek to change that?

Your relationship sounds like a business that you are making a financial analysis of rather then a marriage. If that works for you then crack on but it's not my experience of a loving partnership.

How did it make you feel when you found out?
You seem very calm , do you worry about the future and the possibility of him leaving you ?
Do you feel any anger or jealousy ,or have you ever come close to telling him you know ?
I hope you don't mind so many questions , your post has really made me think , i don't think i could handle this situation.

I have so many questions about this! How did you find out? How do you cope with him lying to you and being so duplicitous?

So your happy your husband is lying to and cheating on you and it’s been going on for over 2 years. Yeah he sounds like a gem keep hold of him. 😂

I understand it. Life is easier with a husband while you are raising children and making yourselves financially stable for retirement. The fact that he doesn’t know you know and that he is obviously hiding it because it is a shit thing to do gives you power back. The fact you are still having a reasonable sex life and intimate evenings makes you feel good - honestly if she knew she probably would feel cheated on. Enjoy the family time while you can and kids are still at home.

It is all the fake expectations that society has about marriage that fucked up your friend, not two consenting adults having sex, which is actually none of her business even if one of them was her dad.

Because he is pretending he is faithful and she is pretending to believe him. Pretence like that is not a good foundation for a solid relationship. Lies destroy. If she is happy for him to have sex with other people and he wants to, then it would make more sense to discuss having an open relationship together, I think.

How can you be sure it's just this 1 woman?

It' s such an old story.

It rarely is just the 1 in this kind of set up tbh

Why don’t I tell him I know

Honestly? Because he would leave her. I know he would. And this is my selfish part, I like him as he is now. He’s relaxed and happy. I don’t want to be married to a man who’s unhappy which then affects MY life.

It is hard to describe to an outsider - we are happy, I am happy. I have no interest in rocking the boat.

The only reason I started this thread was because of my friend - I’d spent a while thinking the choice I had made was quite unusual but her choice isn’t that different from mine. I thought maybe there were others out there.

Look don’t get me wrong, he isn’t rubbing this in my face. There are no mysterious work trips or missing money or hidden phone calls from the bathroom. I would never have found out if it was for what happened.

I love DH through and through and couldn't do this ever.

How do you know he doesn’t know you’ve found out about his affair?

maybe he has an inclination that you are aware, but can’t exactly ask you outright?

how do you cope with the lies? There must be times you know he is lying about his whereabouts

If it works for you then that is all that matters. Live your life to the full and have no regrets. Make sure you are financially secure.

What I find interesting is that you dont seem too bothered about him possibly loving her. I wonder if you love him or whether you have decided that companionship and an easier time of it financially is more important than love.

In all honesty, I cant blame you if you did. Loving someone literally almost killed me (he was very violent) but companionship, friendship, fun and security would have been better than the I love you/I hate you/Dont leave me or I will kill you nightmare I lived.

I wonder if he does love her though. If she really was worth throwing everything away for then he would have done it. As it is, she is happy with the crumbs and he gets the the happy home life with you, its his personal perfection. I suspect that when she realises that he really isnt leaving (assuming she is hanging on in the hopes that he will "When the kids leave/when they finish Uni/when the kids are settled/when my wife can cope alone blah blah) it will get messy and that may be when he starts being an arse as his set up will fall apart.

I’m not in the same boat
but I could imagine staying if I was

Sometimes monogamy isn’t the be all and end all
if you’re relationship functions okay as it is then where is the harm?

Have you considered letting him know you know and having an open discussion?
At least that’s way you head off any potential issue in the future where he does leave

How did you find out? Were you this accepting and understanding immediately?

I couldn't live that life, knowing that someone preferred to sleep with someone other than me, could risk my sexual health and would lie to me with such ease.

I would be disgusted, feel disrespected and wouldn't be able to trust them on any other matter either. All respect would be gone.

"Look don’t get me wrong, he isn’t rubbing this in my face."

Not the best choice of words.....

So when does he actually see her? How do they spend time together?

How did you come to terms with it? Was the first discovery not hard to take and show to him? Your take in this is refreshing that you are comfortable and settled and that’s the most important thing as it’s your life.

I can't bear this attitude. It is not society's fake expectations of marriage. Plenty of people have open marriages or other patterns of relationship outside the conventional set up. Dishonesty is corrosive and unfair. Unconventional relationships don't have to be harmful. Relationships that centre dishonesty are harmful.

How would he feel about you doing the same? Can you not opt for ethical non-monogamy - the only change being a) you know exactly where you stand in terms of your sexual health and b) also have the right to explore any avenues you want to outside the marriage (if you wanted to)

If you spoke about how you knew and accepted it, do you think it would ruin the marriage or solidify it?

This. What a joke

Fair fucks to you. Your marriage works for you. I think that’s great.