Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

Maybe he doesn’t love her if he seems so content with you? He obv doesn’t want to leave you. Does he spend a lot of time away from home. The time factor is making me think that maybe he isn’t really having a proper affair?

The OP telling her husband she knows would change the dynamics of it all and it’s the current dynamics that’s helping this situation work.

Well, this is sad. Either
a) you don't love him romantically anymore, so it doesn't affect you emotionally and getting divorced would be a financial hit so you can't be bothered
b) you have low self esteem and think this is what you deserve or
c) you are non-monogamous but haven't labeled yourself as such

Do you think he'll leave if you tell him you know, and you are trying to avoid that because of the finances etc? If you're okay with an open relationship you may as well say so and get a boyfriend

I feel like I could do this, it seems reasonable. Being absolutely Everything to someone else seems like such an unreasonable ask. I think I would prefer to be upfront about these kind of issues but wouldn't wmt to know specifics. And it if it really doesn't feel like it's time energy and effort taken away from the family or core relationship, then what is the harm? I would want these lines in place and take any kind of sloppiness around this as a declaration that the marriage was over.

What example does this set to your children? That money is worth more than a healthy relationship?

Well my story and I will name change after I’ve posted this was that I knew he had an affair more or less as soon as we got back off our honeymoon. I was 7 months pregnant. I told his dad to have a word with him and to warn him basically that he was going to ruin everything if he carried on with this behaviour. His dad I don’t think was blunt enough to say the least.
he then had another affair that I knew about but I wanted another baby so I kind of just parked that at the back of my mind and focused on the bigger, picture eyes on the prize so to speak.

I then found out about the third affair.
actually the third was the least damaging, the least protracted, the least shagging.

But he parked my daughter in a cafe around the corner whilst he went to meet her and that was the straw that broke the camel back for me.

I literally smacked him round the head with a laptop and threw him out there and then and we never look back and honest to goodness I cannot begin to tell you how much better I sleep at night now.

Do you love him?

How would you feel if you found out he was really seeing a bloke?

I think you will look back on this in years to come and wonder why you had so little self respect.
That allowing this to happen with your knowledge was better that a bit of inconvenience sorting things out.
Someone cheating on you for 2 years is not someone who loves or respects you.

How did you find out about it?

I’m not in this situation but totally understand @SamillaW

Those saying it’s unfair and she should get herself another bloke too just aren’t getting it.

Exactly it’s so toxic

He spends a few nights a month out of the house on his hobby. The same as he always has. I presume some of those nights he isn’t actually at his hobby.

He isn’t secretive with his phone, in fact we use it as the Apple TV remote! - again presume he has another one at work somewhere.

We both pay into the family pot for bills. We both pay into the savings/pensions/investment pots. Our money after that is our money. Would guess any money he uses on their time together comes out of his money.

This has nothing to do with self respect. I have respect for myself, I have achieved a great deal with my life, my respect isn’t defined by a man choosing to have sex with me and me only, I’m not in competition with her

‘Fake expectations that society has about marriage’? How is it fake expectations? When you marry you literally swear to be faithful to your spouse in your vows and then you sign it. That’s the whole point of it, vowing to be with that person and only that person.

How did you find out?

I'd say if it's working for you both , and you sound like you're totally switched on - do what works .

Re the question about how I would feel if it was a man, can’t say I’ve even thought about it. It’s definitely a woman - I know about her in as much detail as I wanted to

Whatever works for you. You're both being dishonest really and if that works for you then crack on.

I value the complete honesty between me and my husband so an affair would be a dealbreaker for me and me keeping it a secret that I know about it would be impossible.

Pure lies !!!
Surely he would be out of the house more often or spend some of your money on the mistress ( you said he never spends the family money!) I don't believe some of your comments !! You make it appear too perfect which I know it isn't! He most probably knows you know and just keeping you sweet.
Also it's not as perfect as you're presenting it otherwise you would have told him you know! You're just as bad as he is thinking of having an affair without revealing what you know about him - you both suit each other if you ask me !!

OP, if you wish to continue with the status quo then that’s your choice. But don’t tell him you know. This would dramatically weaken your position

@SamillaW it's everything to do with self respect.
You have none.
You are allowing your husband to deceive his family so it doesn't inconvenience you.
You think you are in control because you know.
You are not.
You are being a doormat

To be clear you are 100% in the right & can do whatever you want @SamillaW

But doesn't it impact your relationship because you're effectively lying to him & you know he's lying to you??

As in it must have been two years of you pretending not to know something that must be a big part of his life - like I can just imagine all the little conversations about sex/future plans or whatever.

Could it not be better if you both acknowledged it?

Just watch out. Just because he is cheating, it doesn't mean he will accept you cheating. Complete double standards, but he could hit the roof and divorce you. Acrimoniously.

do you definitely know he’s still seeing her? How do you know he really isn’t at this ‘hobby’?

I think it’s your choice, your life and only you can decide what makes you happy. If your happy to live like that then good on you.
if I were you though I would get my ducks in a row just in case, it blows the opposite way.