Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

🦄

This has nothing to do with self respect. I have respect for myself, I have achieved a great deal with my life, my respect isn’t defined by a man choosing to have sex with me and me only, I’m not in competition with her

I actually love this.

You say you don’t want him to know you know because you don’t want an unhappy husband.
There is a big back story to your rocky period that has improved after his affair.
it sounds like he isn’t really happy at all with you, the affair is what keeps him going and I really can’t believe that this makes you happy.
I feel very sorry for your and I hope you might reevaluate what a true loving relationship is

Are you not worried about STI’s OP?

Sorry for you

👏👏👏🙄

So you sit on the sofa with him cuddled up together knowing for the last 18 months he has been seeing someone else ?! Take it you really don't like him /love him /give a shit ?

When I was with one of my exes he used to constantly nag, rape, and strop about sex.

Him finding someone else to shag would definitely have taken some of the pressure off.

But maybe he would've ended up with them. Not that that would've been a bad thing in hindsight.

I have a concept of marriage as a covenant now, so if I had a husband who commited adultery, I would view him as definitely not on the same page as me, in a way that would be upsetting.

@SamillaW How do you feel about him breaking vows he made to you?

Well that's a bit weird.

My skin wouldn't be thick enough for this, it must erode your self esteem? I don't know how you can bring yourself to have sex with him at all. Does he not show any sign of guilt and it eating away at him? Does that not anger you even a bit?

Lies and deceit though? What else does he hide from you?

I absolutely wouldn't tolerate this. I'd feel like a complete mug. I'd accept the financial hit and go our separate ways.

I imagine he's not actually happy with you but is biding his time til the kids are gone. You could be happier alone or with someone else rather than wasting your time on this crap.

I sure as hell wouldn't be having sex with him and his communal penis.

@Guiltycat* *
*
This isn’t just any old affair.

This is an M&S affair.*

I can hear this in my head as per the M & S advert

How did you find out about the affair?

To be fair so many marriages are not conventional so do what works for you until it doesn't work anymore. Everybody is different and have different ideas of what they expect and accept from relationships so really it doesn't matter what other people feel or think. Plus nobody actually knows what they would do until they were in your situation.

Oh yes it sounds weird. I mean in bed someone else then coming home playing happy families if you kwim 😂

I wouldn't be happy sharing my husband, have you been and got checked for sti's? How do you know who she is and who else she's sleeping with? Ew. Sounds more like you are in business together than a marriage to be honest, fine if that's what you want I suppose.

Each to their own but I would not be able to trust my husband if I found out he was having an affair. He wouldnt be the man I believe him to be and I would always wonder what else he had/was lying to me about.

No way I would ever share my husband with anyone!

My French MIL is in the same situation, although all the children in the family are now adults.
Le cinq à sept - it suits her. She doesn’t want the upheaval of a divorce at her time of life.
My father in law is equally pragmatic.
He bailed out of family Christmas Eve celebrations to be with his mistress which was a step too far, and she kicked off so now he is more ‘thoughtful’ about the time he spends with her. All the family are aware but say nothing 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s not a lifestyle for everyone but it suits some.

The idea of needing another human being to be "fully" mine is weirder than the OP's approach to her situation. Some people get really freaked out by the idea of their partner having sex with someone else, as if they're somehow tainted, and that's just a weird emotion to me.

I also think the OP has outlined quite clearly the reasons that her decision isn't purely financial or material (it would be sad if so), and that there's an emotional component to it too. She comes across like she has a great deal of self-respect.

I'd be uncomfortable with the dishonesty most of all - he's lying to her; she's not telling him she knows; it's an elephant in the room to say the least. I think a relationship should be about honesty first and foremost, it's more important than monogamous sex. I do understand OP's explanation for not telling him though.

I don't think I'd ever be silently aware of and OK with DP having an affair but I guess it's one of those situations you have to be in to know how you'd deal with.

What if she gives him an STD/STI/AIDS God forbid and he gives it to you?

Why don’t I tell him I know
Honestly? Because he would leave her. I know he would.
Perhaps. There's a chance he would leave you.

This is why I call BS on this thread. I get the financial aspect but I can't understand putting your health at risk at all.

Why don't you tell him you know and suggest opening up the relationship in an honest way?

I can see how this would work if you’re not really in love with him anymore, but you like him well enough. I can also see why you wouldn’t want to deal with a divorce while your children are young. If it happens later though, it’ll still be messy, OP, and may affect them more if they discover he’s been leading a double life for years.

If you’re OK with the situation and have a plan B in case he does bugger off, no one else should judge.

I’m guessing you don’t love him, reading your posts. Because if you loved him, it would tear your heart apart to know you are sharing him with someone else. So if that’s the case, it’s kind of a marriage of convenience isn’t it? And I couldn’t respect my partner if I knew he was deceiving me like this - it would totally change my opinion of his character.