Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

The problem I have with this is that the OW is regarded as human flotsam. The effect of her of being the support animal for the marriage is ignored. The arrangement may suit her, but it’s also very likely she is wasting her time hoping for more. That the man is giving each woman the right amount of attention and dedication to keep them both where suits him.

I just can’t condone treating people like that.

I remember those threads. That wife was never happy with the arrangement. She was tolerating it and hoping it would end eventually.

How sad.

He sounds deeply unpleasant and you sound emotionally avoidant.

100%. It reminds me of the 'this is fine' meme, the person sat smiling in a burning living room

We’re all different, what works for one won’t work for another
You are the one living your life, I wouldn’t worry about what others think , if you’re happy then crack on . You’re not hurting anyone
its not for anyone to say you have no self respect, I don’t see it that way at all. I think that some people get upset when they see posts like this as it sets off that little alarm of the ‘cheating husband ‘scenario.
Lots of people say they know their OH would never cheat, never ever , not under any circumstances. Then , low and behold they find that secret message, unexplained receipts ,shady phone behaviour . MN is literally packed with such stories . I think OP, that’s why you have been so berated by some, it can be triggering. to read stories about OW.

I wouldn't want another woman's flora inadvertently transmitted to me so, no, I wouldn't tolerate this situation.

This is a fair point.

I keep thinking of the TV series called The Split, where they went through a rough patch and saw other people. Then decided they loved each other still, but while they were separated he made another woman pregnant. In the end he stayed with the OW.

Or the women who have their own lives, are quite happy living alone 75%+ of the time, don't view marriage as the be-all and end-all but enjoy sex and don't want to play the field or navigate online dating. Who are content with the small amount of a married man they get because it gives them enough sex and companionship without upsetting their comfortable lives either, for example they don't have to play dogsbody to someone used to having his socks washed or step into a stepmother role when they don't want children themselves.

I've known two women living something like this set-up recently. And TBH when life and marriage and (step)parenthood gets messy, there are times when I can almost see the appeal myself!

I think that some people get upset when they see posts like this as it sets off that little alarm of the ‘cheating husband ‘scenario

I agree with this - some posters seem to be disproportionately upset at the OP. It makes no sense to me.

Im also finding the categorisations of the OW really dramatic. I’m not sure where people are drawing their information from. I was an OW for a while when I was much younger and know 4 or so now. A couple of women are married and a couple are single all seeing married men. They all seemed pretty pragmatic - no-one was particularly desperate for their APs to leave the family as they know the score. No expensive gifts taking money from the family. No apparent laughing at the wife - certainly not in my case. I wasn’t interested in talking about his family. I wasn’t in love either and when it stopped suiting me it stopped. It’s not something I look back with any great jubilation and not something I recommend but fairly common I think. Certainly in my workplace.

>> Im also finding the categorisations of the OW really dramatic. I’m not sure where people are drawing their information from. I was an OW for a while when I was much younger and know 4 or so now. A couple of women are married and a couple are single all seeing married men. They all seemed pretty pragmatic - no-one was particularly desperate for their APs to leave the family as they know the score. No expensive gifts taking money from the family. No apparent laughing at the wife - certainly not in my case. I wasn’t interested in talking about his family. I wasn’t in love either and when it stopped suiting me it stopped. It’s not something I look back with any great jubilation and not something I recommend but fairly common I think. Certainly in my workplace. <<

OK but I don't get it though. It isn't as if there aren't single men with their own place who do their own cleaning up, who would be happy to have casual sex. They would also be more freely available than a married man, and more honest than one who has to hide your calls or text messages from his wife. Also any money you spend doing things together wouldn't be taking away from a wife and children.

I think it's pointless trying to explain the reasons why someone chooses to sleep with married men or not.

You are either the type to sleep with married men or you are not.

Oh OK. I imagine it could be the thrill of being bad or being found out? It isn't as if the OW would be the one who loses out if it's found out. Many women wouldn't put up with their husband doing that and kick them out, and if the OW is only in it for a casual thing, then the husband might end up with nothing but weekend access to his children.
Or if the OW really does want to be with him in a serious relationship, being found out and being kicked out by his wife might be the only way the OW has of that.
My friend told me that she thinks men are more likely to just be in a relationship for the sake of it than being single. She thinks women are more likely to stay single until they meet the right person, so after a divorce, she thinks men are usually the first ones to meet another.

OK but I don't get it though. It isn't as if there aren't single men with their own place who do their own cleaning up, who would be happy to have casual sex. They would also be more freely available than a married man, and more honest than one who has to hide your calls or text messages from his wife. Also any money you spend doing things together wouldn't be taking away from a wife and children.

I think you probably exaggerate the number of attractive 'house-trained' single men out there....

.... and who aren't complete arseholes.

That’s indisputable, but that doesn’t preclude those types coming from a wider spectrum of women than “naive single woman who will end up wanting children with him” or “escort”, which a PP suggested were the only, very binary, options.

Maybe the OW just wants a FWB and is fine with the arrangement, the OP seems to
nit care either , the children are loved and taken care of while having happy parents.

obviously I don’t know the full picture but if this is the case sounds like a win win scenario for everyone involved.

>>I think you probably exaggerate the number of attractive 'house-trained' single men out there and who aren't complete arseholes.<<

lol You think so? Suppose if they're not house trained, if you don't want to live with them then it doesn't matter. There are lots of single divorced men, if you you think 2 out of 3 marriages end in divorce.
I expect the wife of the married man has to do all the cleaning up after him anyway? You're still probably with an arsehole who can't clean up after himself with a married man, but you don't see what the wife has to do to look after him. A single man who's been divorced for a few years and unable to hold down a steady relationship due to having the children at weekends and clearing up after them, will probably be more mature and house trained than a married man who doesn't want to look after himself?

I had an ex boyfriend who would wine on to me online about how unhappy he was in his marriage, how she didn't want sex, and he thought I would feel sorry for him to sleep with him. I told him that I wasn't a free prostitute, and that I didn't realise how pathetic he was. I also told him that I lost respect for him as I had previously had the guts to leave an unhappy marriage.

Mormans do it. Can't be that hard.

😂😅😂

I’m assuming you meant “Mormons” 🤣

Oops, yes

Yes the Normans, those old Viking warrior Norsemen who settled in Northern France, some of them so advanced they adopted the Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints belief system.

It's a good mix 😂

Good on you OP !