Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

Mormons haven't practiced polygamy since 1890 when the church outlawed it....some fundamentalist sects do practice polygamy. Either way what's described here isn't polygamy it's an affair! It's not quite the same thing.

True, the OP and the OW don't go shopping for groceries together nor they switch roles between who cooks today/who takes care of the children. They don't get to enjoy Christmas meals all together as a happy family nor they get to fight about finances. I'm more inclined to the affair or non mormon lifestyle where I don't get to deal with the mistress (nor she gets to deal with me).

Nothing against mormons or polygamy. Fact is I like them, very friendly and good hearted people, it's just not my thing.

SamillaW i so understand your choice and I think you were brave to post. I wonder if your husband would leave you if you told him you knew. I wondered if I shared my experience if it would help. I knew before I married my husband he was a serial womanizer and I knew I should only marry him if I was resilient enough to withstand if things went wrong. I was madly in love but realistic. Fast forward on and I was deeply sad but not surprised when I saw the signs and finally found the proof (emails). I sat him down. I told him calmly that I knew. I could see a future still for us but I asked him to give the affair up if he wanted that same future for us. He did. He acknowledged and apologized for the harm he had caused. That was three years ago. Our marriage was saved by that choice, and then the pandemic and lockdown (reduced travel) and him having cancer. The effect of it all has made our marriage deeper and I’ve learned about forgiveness... We are on this earth for a very short time, truly loving someone is never black and white, people are complicated, life is messy, and we should always be hesitant to sit in judgment. Just keep true to your own North Star and let that light guide you forward.

This 100%

How did you find out about her?

It wasn’t one black glove reveal moment. We have a happy marriage but I clocked signs in his behaviours. Sometimes he would come back from work trips on a real high. Once he went away and just wouldn’t tell me why he was going on a weekend. When I’d challenge him he would deny and deny saying when would he have time for an affair as he was so stretched and busy. Eventually when he was away in Bangkok I put the name of someone he’d mentioned to me in the search function on his home computer . Out tumbled masses of email correspondence. It was a big reality jolt but I wasn’t surprised.

Now that’s low self esteem.