Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

He's waiting till they've flown the nest. You can always refuse to sign the divorce papers.

Does he know that you know?

Absolutely not. In the same way I don’t think about his past partners when we’re having sex.

I don’t feel in competition with her

For the poster who asked if he knows I know - no he doesn’t. I found out around the 6 mth mark. I didn’t suspect a thing, found out purely by a bizarre accident. He doesn’t take family money to spend on her, he isn’t gone from the house anymore than he was before, I’m not left “holding the babies” whilst he’s off. If circumstances were different then I would probably feel different about the whole thing

Why don’t you tell him you know?

He must think its great getting to have sex with 2 woman.

Absolutely no way could I live that life, I would be furious and couldn’t stand for him to touch me but your still happy to cuddle knowing he’s been fucking someone else, that’s he loves someone else? Really?! Where is your self respect, how do you keep up the facade? Do you think you’ll lay on your deathbed happy you chose to stay with a man who wasn’t fully yours? I know it’s different horses for different courses but wow, maybe if you had a boyfriend too but it’s just seems so unfair for you!

Please think about your sexual health. My friend was infected with HIV from her husband. It has destroyed her family and friends.

I'd tell him you know. That way you can move forward with honesty and set some boundaries you're comfortable with.

Not everyone is monogamous that's fine.

Well each to their own. But it would break me.

How did you find out, where did they meet etc?

Well, you need to do what’s right for you. I agree with others that you’d be wise to ensure that you are financially prepared in case he does decide to take off though.

I think that personally, I would find it hard to deal with the fact that he’s lying and thinks that he’s deceived you. It’s just so two-faced that he can be snuggling up with you and yet also - as far as he knows, unbeknownst to you - shagging someone else too. An open relationship is one thing, but it’s the deceit that would kill the love for me. But you can only do what works for you and there’s no reason for all of us to feel the same. Just make sure you’ve protected yourself (and maybe… a toy boy for yourself…?).

We’re mid forties (as is she) I’m not worried about her having a child.

I know all about her, she doesn’t seem like she’s interested in children either from what I can tell. She has a grown son, she isn’t married,

Maybe he is waiting until ours have “flown the nest” - so be it; that would still be a more comfortable and convenient time to divorce than now

Entirely your business OP but I value the honesty - everything seems so black or white on MN. I think a lot of people do suspect things where infidelity is concerned so in a sense a lot do try to look the other way, until eventually their feelings get in the way. I know people in similar situations who’d be happy if their husbands sought sex elsewhere so they’d be off the hook. You do you.

People are very black and white about affairs on here, but I can see how this works for you OP. Seems fine to me, if everyone’s happy.

had to laugh at the pp questioning if marriage is just a financial transaction. Historically, yes, of course it is. Might not be like that for everyone now, but it’s a lot more common than people like to think.

How can she refuse...doesn't need her signature since no fault divorce?

You are treating this like a business situation.

I don't know how you can think that he might leave you for her one day and just carry on. What if you got seriously ill? Do you trust him to choose you when things are very difficult? I couldn't be bothered with it otherwise.

I don't really understand why it's such a secret that you know. The whole point of a secret is that you don't know but if you do, the point of the secret is over. You can just tell him.

I have a different perspective on this. My dad had a long running affair with another woman who was a family friend. I found out about it in my mid-20s. It went on I until he passed away 20 years later. I deleted their last text message exchange so my mum never found it. My dad knew I knew. He told me he loved mum and would never leave her. I have still have no idea if mum knows and they had some sort of agreement about it. I loved my dad but it put a strain on our relationship because I knew of the affair. So, whilst you might be content it's not just you in this. There is your kids too. Don't think they will never find out and be prepared for dealing with them knowing.

Does he know you know?

I would absolutely consider a “toy boy” - it isn’t something I’ve ruled out. Im not actively looking though.

I did have dinner and drinks with a beautiful man around 4 months ago after a work event. You know what I’m going to say though, he was married so dinner and a drink was enough for me! I don’t need to complicate my life, I am happy as it is, I enjoy the frequency of sex I have now, I am happy with our affection and intimacy,. We were in a really bad place 5 years ago. She didn’t fix that; this started 2 years ago but compared to then we are happy.

So you have unprotected sex with someone you know is having unprotected sex with someone else, but it's not a question of self respect? Oh dear...

I'm guessing he probably tells her you two don't have a sex life. She's going to be a bit disappointed if she reads this lol

Oh darling.

That was my first reaction.

You deserve so much more . You absolutely do and I know I would be broken if it were me.

Please remember this. You are worth so so much more and he doesn’t deserve you. One bit.

Huge massive hugs from me 💕

So why don’t you tell him you know? If you are happy with the set up, then it would seem like a good thing to do, especially with thought for the future.

A relatives mum had an affair for decades. My relative knew about it and supported her mum in that decision. I think her dad was rather cold and they no longer had a sexual relationship and this was her way of dealing with that. I’ve no idea why they didn’t divorce but if it works for all parties I don’t see a great problem in it.