Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

You have a comfortable living arrangement with a person you like. As long as this relationship is beneficial to you both (financially and emotionally) I don’t see what the problem is.
Only you know if you’re happy. If you are, why would you want things to change?
If it honestly doesn’t trouble you and makes your life easier (as it seems to) then just carry on as you are!

I think if you told him you knew AND you want it to continue it would add another layer to your relationship. I think you might find the holy grail. A risk if you think he would end it I guess but a risk worth taking.

Do you ever wonder about other lies? If he can lie to you about this what else could he lie about?

It’s the lying and dishonesty that would be my issue. If he can so easily lie, cheat and carry on like nothing is happening what else could he do? You just wouldn’t know. Plus he’s no concern for your children either by doing this, it may not bother you but could destroy them.

If it works for you it works for you! Embrace it while you can

I’d actually love to live my life in this pragmatic way, sort of like a Becky Sharp type with my eye on the prize and a clear view of the world. I applaud you for it. It wouldn’t work for my personality type I don’t think as I don’t like unsaid things.

But I would so ANYTHING for my children and if I judged they would be better off if I stayed with an adulterous DH then I would absolutely do so.

When does he see her then if it doesn't affect you at all? Why is she accepting so little from him when she doesn't have a partner?

I get the practicalities but I couldn’t have sex with him knowing.

Not an affair, but DH did ask me if he could sleep with other women sometimes and I said that's OK. Fact is, he's not organised enough to do it often. He first mentioned it ages ago but only actually did do it last year; I was fine with it but I prepared myself that maybe I'd feel weird or unhappy afterwards, but it was fine.

He left after they had sex as he said actually staying with her and waking up with her would be too intimate and I agree, I'd have found that more boundary-pushing than the actual sex. It seemed to be good for him and made him happy and didn't upset me. I've never been able to orgasm and it he told me it made him happy to be able to do that for a woman again. And again, I'm alright with that - I do feel a bit bad I can't give that to him, but we still do have a sex life.

I expect he'll do it again at some point - he has tried meeting up two or three other women but either they've not got to meeting or they've met and not taken it any further. I suspect the women who don't meet probably, understandably, don't believe I'm really OK with it. Can you imagine? if they'd posted on MN about should they sleep with him, everyone would be going 'Pull the other one, no woman on earth would be all right with that, men who say that are always lying'

This is not me being the 'cool girl', I'm just secure he loves me and the kids and isn't going to go leaving us for the sake of a shag, and he finds marriage/family breakup desperately sad.

It works in France!

Seriously though, I’m of the firm belief that you can love more than one person, so if it’s working for both of you then why would you blow the whole thing up? It sounds like everyone’s pretty happy with things as they are.

And for those who say their self respect wouldn’t allow it, I actually think it’s a sign of deep security and high self esteem that you’ve put yourself in the driving seat here.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't cope with the deceit. I'd be too worried he'd leave me for her however from what you've said its a friends with benefits type if relationship for them. Or he's told her he'll leave you eventually but isn't the right time etc but had no intentions and she's no self respect. I would think its just sex. What bloke wouldn't have their cake and eat it if they had the chance?
Tbh I thought more people would come forward and say they were in the situation.

I think this is more common than people think.

Even the Queen did it, allegedly! (Royalists please don't flame me.)

Monogamy is a social construct, not saying it isn't an admirable goal, but it's fact that it's something that was created out of the need to protect heritage / lineage / property. As amply demonstrated in this example.

It's very rare in other species. Even in the ones frequently cited as 'monogamous'. And those species don't have property rights.

It's unkind telling the OP she has no self respect. She's decided this is acceptable for her.

I would feel like an absolute mug. Being lied to, being put at risk of STD’s & basically being used by someone that was staying with me just until the kids fly the nest. He’s sat on the sofa with you probably thinking about the OW. He knows he’s lying, you know he’s lying.

Not thanks - either love & respect me & don’t be deceitful or bye bye. I have way too much self-worth & respect for myself.

If it works for you then that the main thing. Everyone gets to choose how they love & if you’re happy with it then that’s all that matters.

How did you find out and how do you know it's still going on?

My ex-husband was very good-looking when he was younger and people at work were always warning me about various colleagues being after him (we worked in the same office). Even my former boss kept commenting on his looks. I honestly couldn't care less if he slept with any of them because he was such an arse and a terrible husband in a million different ways that I just thought to myself- they are welcome to him 😄I did divorced him, but not because of other women.

Perhaps she’s pretty happy having a part time man she doesn’t have to live with?

How did you find out OP?

I smiled at this too - it wasn't that long ago that marriages were indeed regarded as a financial transaction and still are in some cultures.

Actually loving your spouse was a bonus.

How did you find out??

I'm guessing that the love has dies between you and you are ok with the domestic set up. If you still had loving feelings for him it might be a very painful life indeed.
But how about you also looking for some care and attention outside of the marriage?
Personally I'd leave, move on and hopefully find a better match because that dynamic would just not work for me.

You deserve the best in life and time marches on.

No judgement from me at all, we all adapt to situations, but more a concern for your happiness. Are you genuinely happy?

Cant believe how many people are attacking the OP for treating it like a financial transaction - its not your marriage, so fair enough to say 'not for me but you do you' but some of the comments on here are literally trying to make her feel shit about a situation she's made peace with? Relationships take all forms - i would never stay with a man who treated me like a maid and PA but plenty of women are happy with that setup - i find that horrific but i wouldnt try and goad someonw into feeling miserable about it....

You’re living a lie and a lie you feel like you have control over given you don’t dig too deep. But it’s still a lie and you’re just burying your head in the sand because it feels easier than fronting the truth with your husband. I mean I find it really weird but I’m not living your life I suppose. I couldn’t sleep with a husband who is double dicking another (or multiple - who knows) women and sniffing around me for sloppy seconds - just laying there with a stepford smile like this is fine?? I find it a sad way to live - but you do you I guess?? Marriage and the one life I’ll ever live has more meaning to me than closing my eyes and thinking of my husbands business lol

This isn’t just any old affair.

This is an M&S affair.

Conveniently devoid of any of those usual real life issues the breakdown of trust in a marriage involves. No time, money or affection being spent on another person here. No gas lighting or script in sight.

Pull the other one love .

😂

No way. Thinking of him in bed with someone else then cuddling my children. Repulsive

Please make sure your kids don’t find out.
My dad had affairs for most of my childhood, my mum was like you, pragmatic about it. Content with everything else and didn’t want to upset the apple cart.

Still, people find out, rumours spread. My tenth birthday was ruined by a confrontation outside on our doorstep (the ex husband of my dad’s then affair partner). He lost a job over an affair with a colleague.

After 27 years of marriage he met a much younger woman and bought her a car. My mum asked him Wtf he was thinking and he left, no warning, just packed a bag and went.
A few years later he married a woman younger than me, his youngest child.
My mum died of cancer around the same time (in her early 50s).

I don’t talk to my father at all any more.
My childhood looked pretty good to outsiders, but me and my sister always knew that out father’s head and heart were not 100% with the family unit and we’ve had to work through the lasting repercussions of that through therapy. With risk of sounding like a cliche, this sort of set up can really leave a girl with daddy issues.

I can accept that your current situation suits you, but if you found out, it’s possible your kids will too, or her son will and one day he’ll decide it’s shitty for his mum and show up on your doorstep to tell your DH exactly that.

Plus your sexual health is at risk.

How did you find out? Were you upset then or just as calm?

Relationships come in all shapes and colours. If it works for you and you're happy then who is anyone else to judge? More power to you as far as I'm concerned.

If someone is genuinely content with their situation then I don't think it's on to tell them they're a doormat or have low self esteem, especially when it comes to something as diverse as love and relationships. OP has a different set of boundaries to many. That doesn't mean her boundaries are wrong or non-existant.