Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don’t know how to go on - help

203 replies

StarsAtElbowsAndFoot · 30/09/2022 17:02

Regular user but name change wouldn’t work so have created a new account.

Last week my partner announced out of the blue that he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be with me anymore. There were no prior signs of this so it’s totally blindsided me and I just don’t know how to cope.

I’ve always suffered with huge self esteem issues and was convinced I’d never find anyone. He’s the only person who has ever made me feel loved and secure. We were very happy (or so I thought) and settled and had talked about a happy future together. I lived with him. My stuff is still at his. To make matters worse he has a DC who I love like my own so it feels like a double loss. I’ve always wanted DC more than anything in the world (and hoped to have them with him) and I can’t believe that my family unit has gone.

Now he’s gone, I’m back to feeling I’m going to be on my own forever, and without children. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep (and when I do I dream about him so it’s even worse when I wake up) and can’t really go longer than about twenty minutes without crying. I’ve been like this for a week now. He was the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I just can’t stop thinking about all our amazing happy times and the future that I thought I had with them. I feel totally worthless and unlovable and just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been signed off work today.

He is gorgeous, hilariously funny, supportive and a fantastic Dad. We never stopped laughing together, even up to the night before. Everything I’ve ever wanted and I just can’t imagine life without him. All I see now is a future of being on my own.

I went round there the other night so we can talk things through and it just doesn’t make any sense- he says we get on amazingly and he loves spending time with me and he still wants me in his life but that his feelings have changed. We did discuss our relationship and both acknowledged that maybe some parts moved too quickly etc and he’s said he’s not closing the door on us and is considering giving it another shot. This initially made me feel hopeful but I’ve been back to being an utter misery since. I just don’t know how to deal with this grief.

I know someone will suggest this but I really don’t think he’s met anyone else or there’s anyone else involved. I genuinely don’t.

Sorry it’s so long and I’m not sure what I’m even after other than some reassurance that there is happiness ahead somewhere.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 30/09/2022 17:04

He can’t be as great as you’re making out, and I bet he’s had his head turned. It will all come out in the wash.

rubyslippers · 30/09/2022 17:07

KangarooKenny · 30/09/2022 17:04

He can’t be as great as you’re making out, and I bet he’s had his head turned. It will all come out in the wash.

This
men rarely leave a relationship without a back up
of Course you’re devastated - I would 10000% grieve for the relationship and the sadness of the break up
give yourself time to recover and invest in yourself and getting your self esteem up etc

rubyslippers · 30/09/2022 17:07

And yes there is happiness ahead
you will laugh and enjoy things again

BuckarooBanzai · 30/09/2022 17:12

I'm so sorry he's hurt you. Unfortunately that's the bit you need to focus on he's hurt you and quite profoundly for no real reason. How could he do that to you if he really loved you? Though lovers be lost love shall not my lovely. You will get through this, sending you a big hug.

Dery · 30/09/2022 17:16

No wonder you’re devastated, OP. But if he can do this, he’s not the man for you. Now is the time to make some lovely plans for yourself and really indulge. Heartbreak hurts like hell but it does pass. If it didn’t, pretty much the whole world would be permanently grieving. What real life support do you have and what treats can you plan?

Original poster
StarsAtElbowsAndFoot · 30/09/2022 17:23

BuckarooBanzai · 30/09/2022 17:12

I'm so sorry he's hurt you. Unfortunately that's the bit you need to focus on he's hurt you and quite profoundly for no real reason. How could he do that to you if he really loved you? Though lovers be lost love shall not my lovely. You will get through this, sending you a big hug.

Well he clearly doesn’t love me anymore but I just can’t help going over and over in my head what might have gone wrong and what I could have done differently etc and then maybe we’d still be together.

I did suggest that we went right back to basics and just ‘dated’ again with no pressure and just see what happens and like I say, he’s said he’s considering it so that’s given me some sort of hope but I can’t cling to that and need to start accepting that it really is over. I’m just broken.

Massively appreciate the DT quote

OP posts:
Original poster
StarsAtElbowsAndFoot · 30/09/2022 17:26

Dery · 30/09/2022 17:16

No wonder you’re devastated, OP. But if he can do this, he’s not the man for you. Now is the time to make some lovely plans for yourself and really indulge. Heartbreak hurts like hell but it does pass. If it didn’t, pretty much the whole world would be permanently grieving. What real life support do you have and what treats can you plan?

I’m just struggling to see any kind of way ahead. I’ve been signed off work because there’s no way I could handle it right now but the consequent time I’m spending dwelling and moping by myself isn’t helping either. I can’t believe how broken I am.

I’ve got a couple of friends who are there for me, though don’t want to burden them. I’m staying mostly at my mum’s because my house was having renovation works done so isn’t hugely habitable. He knows this and has said he wants to help me pay for the renovations and support me with that as he’s obviously left me with no decent home to go back to.

I’m just spending my days totally inert and miserable. It hurts so much.

OP posts:
WhoppingBigBackside · 30/09/2022 17:30

There is almost certainly another woman. Block him.
You won't have done anything wrong.

Suzi888 · 30/09/2022 17:33

Seems a bit like a whirlwind romance and then he’s gotten cold feet/met someone else/decided a relationship is not for him/ he’s not ready/ doesn’t want children/marriage perhaps.

He’s been very cruel hasn’t he. “he’s said he’s not closing the door on us and is considering giving it another shot.” Keeping you dangling. Don’t be anyone’s second best- whatever the reason. He’s told you his feelings have ‘changed’. But he still wants you around, that doesn’t make any sense. To me, he’s redefining the relationship- packing you up in a little box that he can take out to play with if he wants to, then put you back in and send you on your way. He doesn’t want what you want and need from him….. He may still want you- just not what you want.

If you do hang around for him you need to have boundaries and issue ultimatums (how long is he planning to dither around for?) Will you live together again? Have children etc
You haven’t said much about your housing situation but you need to protect yourself- he’s already shown you what will happen if you split.

I would NOT wait around for this person- I would cut my losses and block him, don’t let him use you and toy with your emotions. He is not a nice person. You, on the other hand seem lovely. I am sorry you’ve been hurt, let yourself grieve, heal and eventually move on - because you will. Even if you think that’s impossible now. 💐

AdamRyan · 30/09/2022 17:35

Ugh. He's stringing you along. He's also being very cruel to his DC by doing this as they won't know what's going on.

Bollocks to him, he doesn't get to enjoy your friendship. Block him and grieve for the relationship.

You deserve better than this treatment.

crochetmonkey74 · 30/09/2022 17:38

God OP I've been there and this is just the absolute abject misery.
In the short term, keep talking to friends and family, try to eat and sleep. Its just the worse feeling. It feels like you've been hit by a car

Original poster
StarsAtElbowsAndFoot · 30/09/2022 17:49

Suzi888 · 30/09/2022 17:33

Seems a bit like a whirlwind romance and then he’s gotten cold feet/met someone else/decided a relationship is not for him/ he’s not ready/ doesn’t want children/marriage perhaps.

He’s been very cruel hasn’t he. “he’s said he’s not closing the door on us and is considering giving it another shot.” Keeping you dangling. Don’t be anyone’s second best- whatever the reason. He’s told you his feelings have ‘changed’. But he still wants you around, that doesn’t make any sense. To me, he’s redefining the relationship- packing you up in a little box that he can take out to play with if he wants to, then put you back in and send you on your way. He doesn’t want what you want and need from him….. He may still want you- just not what you want.

If you do hang around for him you need to have boundaries and issue ultimatums (how long is he planning to dither around for?) Will you live together again? Have children etc
You haven’t said much about your housing situation but you need to protect yourself- he’s already shown you what will happen if you split.

I would NOT wait around for this person- I would cut my losses and block him, don’t let him use you and toy with your emotions. He is not a nice person. You, on the other hand seem lovely. I am sorry you’ve been hurt, let yourself grieve, heal and eventually move on - because you will. Even if you think that’s impossible now. 💐

Thank you for your advice. To be fair to him, maybe if I’d just accepted what he said and walked out without a backward glance then he wouldn’t be considering anything. I’m not sure.

In terms of boundaries and ultimatums I was going to suggest we could go on a few ‘dates’ without living together etc and then agreeing that if it doesn’t work in say three months time then that’s that. Of course he has to agree to this. He may already have decided that that’s that and there’s no more working on it. I feel like if he agreed to give it one more shot but it still didn’t work then I’d be far more able to be at peace with it because at least we tried.

I think I just feel that it’s quite selfish that he’s already had the time to process all this in his head before dropping it on me like a bomb.

OP posts:
HuntingoftheSnark · 30/09/2022 17:49

Sending you huge hugs OP, I have been there too, holding every single tiny thing I said and did up to the light to check for flaws, trying to find a rewind button, time machine etc. It's horrible. He isn't that perfect because he's giving you some very unkind crumbs of supposed comfort - he's "considering" his options. Please please don't be an option - you are worth so much more. You absolutely will get through this and will be happy again, I seriously promise you.

Original poster
StarsAtElbowsAndFoot · 30/09/2022 17:50

crochetmonkey74 · 30/09/2022 17:38

God OP I've been there and this is just the absolute abject misery.
In the short term, keep talking to friends and family, try to eat and sleep. Its just the worse feeling. It feels like you've been hit by a car

I’ve never been in this much pain before, even after bereavements. I can’t get over what he’s throwing away and how happy we were and what I thought the future held.

I’m trying to message friends etc (though also aware that my misery is probably tiresome right now) but also because of being off work am spending an awful lot of time alone and the grief is consuming me

OP posts:
Original poster
StarsAtElbowsAndFoot · 30/09/2022 17:52

HuntingoftheSnark · 30/09/2022 17:49

Sending you huge hugs OP, I have been there too, holding every single tiny thing I said and did up to the light to check for flaws, trying to find a rewind button, time machine etc. It's horrible. He isn't that perfect because he's giving you some very unkind crumbs of supposed comfort - he's "considering" his options. Please please don't be an option - you are worth so much more. You absolutely will get through this and will be happy again, I seriously promise you.

I’m relaying everything in my head and wondering about what might have been. And sitting here sobbing about the future I thought we had.

The thing is, despite being in my thirties, he was my first proper successful relationship really. If it took me over thirty years to find one, what happens if I never find another? All I want is to be settled with DC. It feels like everyone else around me manages to make people fall in love with them, stay in love with them and live normal lives with children. I can’t do that. I’m such a failure.

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 30/09/2022 17:54

If you possibly can, go to work as at least it routines your day for you. There's a great book called How to Heal a Broken Heart by Rosie Green that I found great. Also, try to remember you are mourning who you thought he was, the real him is the one who can be so cruel to you. I would also agree with a PP who says there is someone else at least in the wings. There was with my ex. The first 2 weeks are hell, I think I followed my best friend round like a mournful ghost. But I promise you it does get better. There is someone else in the world who would never dream of soing this to you, that is your person, not this one

WhoppingBigBackside · 30/09/2022 17:55

You are not a failure. You loved the person you thought he is, not the person he is. It will hurt, but keep going and one day it won't hurt.

Original poster
StarsAtElbowsAndFoot · 30/09/2022 18:00

crochetmonkey74 · 30/09/2022 17:54

If you possibly can, go to work as at least it routines your day for you. There's a great book called How to Heal a Broken Heart by Rosie Green that I found great. Also, try to remember you are mourning who you thought he was, the real him is the one who can be so cruel to you. I would also agree with a PP who says there is someone else at least in the wings. There was with my ex. The first 2 weeks are hell, I think I followed my best friend round like a mournful ghost. But I promise you it does get better. There is someone else in the world who would never dream of soing this to you, that is your person, not this one

But maybe if he just doesn’t love me or his feelings have changed then he isn’t really cruel? It would almost be easier if he’d cheated or similar as it would be easier to hate him. But he’s hugely popular, kind, hilarious and successful in his job. He’s just such a decent guy who seemingly just doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore.

I can‘t go to work unfortunately as it’s too public facing. If I could hole myself away in an office that’s absolutely what I’d be doing to distract myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarsAtElbowsAndFoot · 30/09/2022 18:02

WhoppingBigBackside · 30/09/2022 17:55

You are not a failure. You loved the person you thought he is, not the person he is. It will hurt, but keep going and one day it won't hurt.

The thing is, I suppose he’s allowed to change his feelings towards me isn’t he. It doesn’t necessarily make him less of a decent person.

I blame myself because something somewhere along the way obviously made him fall out of love with me. I’d do anything to rewind the clock and try again.

OP posts:
dontputitthere · 30/09/2022 18:03

I don't think you're ready to hear this. But maybe soon you'll realise what I'm trying to say

He's not a wonderful man. He's not a brilliant father. He has not treated you or his Dc well.

He's 'not closed the door' on you? Wow. How fucking kind of him. Why does he get to decide what happens here? You are literally begging, willing to accept mere crumbs of a relationship. How dare he

He's messing with you. Anyone who truly cared about you would not do this.

He's introduced you to his Dc. And now shut you out just like that. That's incredibly unsettling to a child.

You need to find your anger. You are worth more than this. Don't accept a 'friendship' so you can stay in his life in some meaningless way so he can dangle the potential of a relationship

You will never be able to move on. Don't let him take control of this.

He's shown you who he is. At best a ditherer who doesn't know what he wants. At worst (and I hate to say it far more likely) he's met someone else and is playing you along while he sees how it goes.

Rather you see this now than further down the line when pregnant.

I hope you don't skim over this. It's hard to read when you want to believe. He couldn't possibly all these horrible things I'm saying. But take the rose tinted glasses off. Your desire for a family unit is driving you to settle for someone who doesn't fucking deserve you.

If he does this now can you ever trust him not to do it again?

WhoppingBigBackside · 30/09/2022 18:03

Men think with their dicks.

Jellycatspyjamas · 30/09/2022 18:06

In terms of boundaries and ultimatums I was going to suggest we could go on a few ‘dates’ without living together etc and then agreeing that if it doesn’t work in say three months time then that’s that.

Do you really want to give him another 3 months of your life? Three months that you could be using to heal, to work on yourself and to move forward? Would you not spend that time watching your behaviour to try and make him love you, knowing how precarious the relationship is? You owe yourself peace and contentment - would continuing this for 3 months give you that?

Original poster
StarsAtElbowsAndFoot · 30/09/2022 18:27

dontputitthere · 30/09/2022 18:03

I don't think you're ready to hear this. But maybe soon you'll realise what I'm trying to say

He's not a wonderful man. He's not a brilliant father. He has not treated you or his Dc well.

He's 'not closed the door' on you? Wow. How fucking kind of him. Why does he get to decide what happens here? You are literally begging, willing to accept mere crumbs of a relationship. How dare he

He's messing with you. Anyone who truly cared about you would not do this.

He's introduced you to his Dc. And now shut you out just like that. That's incredibly unsettling to a child.

You need to find your anger. You are worth more than this. Don't accept a 'friendship' so you can stay in his life in some meaningless way so he can dangle the potential of a relationship

You will never be able to move on. Don't let him take control of this.

He's shown you who he is. At best a ditherer who doesn't know what he wants. At worst (and I hate to say it far more likely) he's met someone else and is playing you along while he sees how it goes.

Rather you see this now than further down the line when pregnant.

I hope you don't skim over this. It's hard to read when you want to believe. He couldn't possibly all these horrible things I'm saying. But take the rose tinted glasses off. Your desire for a family unit is driving you to settle for someone who doesn't fucking deserve you.

If he does this now can you ever trust him not to do it again?

I’m probably not ready to hear it all but I’m not rude enough to just skim over something someone has gone to the trouble of writing to me! I can totally hear what you’re saying.

I don’t think this is ideal for his DC in terms of introducing me and now me being gone but DC is young and I hope will be ok. To be honest with you that’s one of the hardest things. I love that kid like my own but have to put them first and if he’s going to do this to me then it’s probably better for DC in the long term if I don’t see them again.

I’m not sure he is deliberately messing me around because maybe if I’d taken the news a bit better he wouldn’t be agreeing to consider trying again. I’m not sure.

I also don’t know if he’s a ditherer or in fact the total opposite- he’s decided what he wants and it isn’t me! I think that’s why it’s so heartbreaking really. I’ve done nothing but adore him and still do, but his feelings have seemingly switched off.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarsAtElbowsAndFoot · 30/09/2022 18:35

Jellycatspyjamas · 30/09/2022 18:06

In terms of boundaries and ultimatums I was going to suggest we could go on a few ‘dates’ without living together etc and then agreeing that if it doesn’t work in say three months time then that’s that.

Do you really want to give him another 3 months of your life? Three months that you could be using to heal, to work on yourself and to move forward? Would you not spend that time watching your behaviour to try and make him love you, knowing how precarious the relationship is? You owe yourself peace and contentment - would continuing this for 3 months give you that?

I think it would mean that I was more at peace with it. At the minute it feels as though he’s turned my world upside down out of nowhere. Had he said to me a few months ago that he was unhappy then we could have tried to work on it.

If we tried again in a very pressure free way (having reflected on what could have been different the first time) and it still didn’t work then I could accept it a little bit more I think.

At the minute I’m just raking over everything and thinking about what I could have done differently. It’s agony.

I was also amazingly hands on with DC. He’s admitted he couldn’t find anyone who has been as good and understanding about his DC and his ex than I was.

OP posts:
Ramsbottom · 30/09/2022 18:38

dontputitthere · 30/09/2022 18:03

I don't think you're ready to hear this. But maybe soon you'll realise what I'm trying to say

He's not a wonderful man. He's not a brilliant father. He has not treated you or his Dc well.

He's 'not closed the door' on you? Wow. How fucking kind of him. Why does he get to decide what happens here? You are literally begging, willing to accept mere crumbs of a relationship. How dare he

He's messing with you. Anyone who truly cared about you would not do this.

He's introduced you to his Dc. And now shut you out just like that. That's incredibly unsettling to a child.

You need to find your anger. You are worth more than this. Don't accept a 'friendship' so you can stay in his life in some meaningless way so he can dangle the potential of a relationship

You will never be able to move on. Don't let him take control of this.

He's shown you who he is. At best a ditherer who doesn't know what he wants. At worst (and I hate to say it far more likely) he's met someone else and is playing you along while he sees how it goes.

Rather you see this now than further down the line when pregnant.

I hope you don't skim over this. It's hard to read when you want to believe. He couldn't possibly all these horrible things I'm saying. But take the rose tinted glasses off. Your desire for a family unit is driving you to settle for someone who doesn't fucking deserve you.

If he does this now can you ever trust him not to do it again?

I think you’re being completely venomous. Even the op knows he is allowed to change his mind.people break up all the time, even married ones.

op something is wrong here and that’s he had one view of the relationship and you another. The issue is you didn’t know. So you didn’t know the relationship was this bad for him. Generally there are signs.

look back are you sure it was as rosey as you think the constant laughing etc? You say it moved too fast, how long were you together, what was the timelines?

Swipe left for the next trending thread