I don’t know how to go on - help

[StarsAtElbowsAndFoot]

Regular user but name change wouldn’t work so have created a new account.

Last week my partner announced out of the blue that he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be with me anymore. There were no prior signs of this so it’s totally blindsided me and I just don’t know how to cope.

I’ve always suffered with huge self esteem issues and was convinced I’d never find anyone. He’s the only person who has ever made me feel loved and secure. We were very happy (or so I thought) and settled and had talked about a happy future together. I lived with him. My stuff is still at his. To make matters worse he has a DC who I love like my own so it feels like a double loss. I’ve always wanted DC more than anything in the world (and hoped to have them with him) and I can’t believe that my family unit has gone.

Now he’s gone, I’m back to feeling I’m going to be on my own forever, and without children. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep (and when I do I dream about him so it’s even worse when I wake up) and can’t really go longer than about twenty minutes without crying. I’ve been like this for a week now. He was the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I just can’t stop thinking about all our amazing happy times and the future that I thought I had with them. I feel totally worthless and unlovable and just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been signed off work today.

He is gorgeous, hilariously funny, supportive and a fantastic Dad. We never stopped laughing together, even up to the night before. Everything I’ve ever wanted and I just can’t imagine life without him. All I see now is a future of being on my own.

I went round there the other night so we can talk things through and it just doesn’t make any sense- he says we get on amazingly and he loves spending time with me and he still wants me in his life but that his feelings have changed. We did discuss our relationship and both acknowledged that maybe some parts moved too quickly etc and he’s said he’s not closing the door on us and is considering giving it another shot. This initially made me feel hopeful but I’ve been back to being an utter misery since. I just don’t know how to deal with this grief.

I know someone will suggest this but I really don’t think he’s met anyone else or there’s anyone else involved. I genuinely don’t.

Sorry it’s so long and I’m not sure what I’m even after other than some reassurance that there is happiness ahead somewhere.

1. you are not a failure
2. something has changed for him, you don't know what, he probably does but isn't telling you. Either because you won't like it or he doesn't want to hurt you, either way it doesn't really matter it's the same end result.
3. tempting as it is, don't try to understand him or search for answers. You are unlikely to find what you want, so invest your energy in you and looking after yourself and moving forward.
4. you will get over this and you will be okay, you have no idea what the future holds, but concentrate on doing things that make you happy.

Hugs OP, it's so tough but you can move in from this. Don't beg for crumbs or false hope. You, Anyone deserves so much more.

And if it helps I am probably significantly older than you. My husband who I adored left after having an affair with someone 20 years younger than.

I met someone else and he was tragically killed. Both of these events felt like the world had ended.

Guess what three weeks ago I got married and couldn't be happier. He is NOT your be all and end all OP

I don't agree I with comments such as he's had his head turned etc.

Sounds like he's been honest, hard as that is for you to hear.

Sending you a massive hug x

Op I'm so sorry for you and this pain you're feeling it's horrible.
I think most of us on the forum would have suffered the same heartbreak at some point in our lives. Some us of multiple times. I know I have.
This is your first heartbreak and the way you're feeling at the minute is crippling. It's hard to think straight, you can't function or sleep or eat and you think you'll never be happy again. But you will.
You're still very young and you're certainly not going to be alone forever, this is your low self esteem talking so that's something you need to work on before you get into another relationship, because the next relationship might not work and you'll feel a failure all over again. You're far from a failure you were fully committed to this relationship so you haven't failed at all, he has.

What happens if he does decide to give it another go, can you cope knowing he's said he doesn't have those feelings for you that he should? Will you try too hard to make him happy? The thought he could do this again at any time will always be with you and you'll be an absolute wreck.
Don't let this ruin you, you sound a genuinely nice person so appreciate yourself a bit more and don't jump through hoops for anyone 💐

You will get over this heartbreak Op, right now it's raw and may stay like that until your heart has healed.

Think carefully next time getting involved with a man with such a young child. This has exacerbated your involvement in his life in a different paradigm and has made this more complex.

Oh OP, I know you don’t want to hear it but it’s blazingly obvious that this guy has had his head turned!
I know you don’t want to believe it or can’t believe it but please be prepared for it.

Went round there tonight to get my stuff (as he’s away until tomorrow afternoon) and I just couldn’t do it. I’ll have to go back in the morning. Just so final and made me sob.

I did manage to write a list of what I’ll need to take from there but I couldn’t actually manage to do it.

Still feel so broken.

Hi OP, do you have a friend who could go round with you in the morning? I would recommend getting in and out as briskly and efficiently as possible, ticking everything off your list and then hotfooting it back to your place for large quantities of tea and biscuits.

Your grief will start to turn into anger towards him, trust me there will come a time you will loathe him.
But you'll look back and realise it made you stronger. You will find someone, you don't believe it now but you will.
You don't just wake up one morning and realise you don't love the person you were so happy with just a few hours ago for no reason. Something sounds fishy with him. Something will come out in the wash down the line probably.

A colleague of mine met her now husband at 35, they've just had a baby at 40, happy as ever.
Don't put a timeline on things it will stress you out. Just work on healing yourself and work on your self esteem, get out with your friends as often as they're free and don't dwell on what you thought could have been. Just work on being as happy as you can be in the present and be kind to yourself OP.

Oh and wipe his toothbrush round your arse before you leave

I do have one friend who has offered but she can’t get there until about 1 and he’s due to be back at some point in the afternoon- I don’t really want him to catch us both there if you get me so I might have to go on my own a bit earlier. Dreading it. Just so sad.

I have a counselling session booked tomorrow afternoon so at least I can go straight to that I suppose.

Thanks for your kind words.

I genuinely can’t believe the impact this has had on me really. I’m frozen with sadness and just not functioning.

I thought the same about the feelings suddenly changing. Either he’s known for a while in which case surely I deserved a warning or a chance to talk/work on things. Or it’s come out of the blue in which case as you say, doesn’t make sense.

Crippling is the word. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to function or cope. It’s overwhelming and hideous.

I do need to work on my self esteem- I knew that before all this but this has consolidated it for me. I’ve got a counselling session booked tomorrow.

I absolutely do still want to try again if he agrees to it- I realise that’s not the answer I’m supposed to give but it’s the honest one! I hear what you’re saying though about having to go into it very differently.

Thank you for your kind words. I genuinely feel like I’ve been destroyed and nothing seems to make me feel better. Very dramatic but true.

Trying to believe that he isn’t my whole world but I’ve honestly never met anyone so hilarious that I clicked with so well. I’m still in shock that this has happened. I can’t believe it.

You sound lovely, OP. I believe it will take time, but that you can and will heal from this. Sending best wishes to you. You are not alone; all of us on this thread are rooting for you.

Thank you.

Whilst people are still replying I’m going to keep posting- it really helps having someone to talk to even if it’s strangers on the internet. Plus I’m super aware that my friends must be sick to death of hearing about it by now.

"Never met anyone so hilarious"? It's difficult for you to see right now, but when you have your own family you really will laugh back on this comment. The fact he's 'hilarious' or at this moment in time, someone you click with so we'll will become superfluous. You need to move on however it seems like you're willing to crawl back to him if he'll have you back.

Op, you could look into freezing your eggs in the meantime, or even better making embryos to safeguard your future in terms of not meeting someone (in time) or because you've never met anyone you'd want to have children with.

I'm a solo parent by choice with a donor conceived child, best decision I've made. No man is worth missing out on being a parent and having your own, biological child if possible and if that's what you want.

He is being cruel by saying he's considering giving it go again, he isn't. He thinks he's being kind.

This will sound odd but let yourself feel the pain and grief. Honestly longer term it makes you more resilient and it is normal to feel absolutely crap at this point.

PP said it will turn to anger in time, it definitely does, then disdain and indifference.

OP I feel your pain. I know what that empty weekend feels like. I understand the failure narrative. You are going to be okay. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will. The best thing to do is to get distracted.

You really should not dismiss the idea that he has someone else. Even if you think that you and he have been together 24/7 for the last 1.5 years, he will have had opportunities to text or meet others.

The main problem with this approach is the costs involved. I know of course you need to be financially stable to have children, and I am. But that doesn’t mean I have the upfront funds for a sperm donor and all the treatment etc. It’s definitely something I’m considering though- I’d obviously much rather have them with a man but there are ways and means aren’t there.

Thank you. I know you’re probably right about him not considering giving it another go and I’ll have to accept that. There are couples that exist who break up and get back together though, including my brother and SIL who are still together ten years on married with two kids, but I realise it’s very unlikely. Clinging on to that hope though, which again I know isn’t good for me in the long term!

It does just feel like a bleak future of loneliness and like you say, that I’ve failed.

To be honest at this point in some ways it would almost be easier if there was another woman as it would be better than this total shock of not knowing what’s happened! I don’t think there is one though.

HRTFT, OP, but have read all of your posts.

I was in your shoes when I was 31, OP, and it was awful. I cried so much that when I felt I couldn’t reasonably take any more time off work I invented a fake “eye infection” to explain away my swollen eyes.

The guy was lying to me, I realise now, but he didn’t realise that because he was also lying to himself. Made it really toxic.

There were three things I needed to do, I just didn’t necessarily realise it all at once:

• therapy: lots of it. Dealing with my self esteem issues, the unrealised trauma my parents had inflicted on me, self-knowledge, etc
• start putting as many positive experiences as I could between now and the end of the relationship. Holidays, hillwalks, trips with friends. Things where you can say to yourself: if I were still with him, I wouldn’t have had this great experience
• focus on myself - my hobbies, my health, my career, my projects.

As you can see from my username, I went on to have a child (at 41). He’s snoring next to me right now. Be strong, bounce back, achieve the things you want to do that you won’t be able to once you have a child. Love yourself, believe in yourself, and open your mind when looking for love. You need a man you can do the supermarket shop with, who will help you to the toilet when you have SPD at 6 months pregnant. Look for a man who is kind, and who has a good family, that he has loving relationships with.

You’re still very young, and you sound lovely. Leave him to play his self-regarding picky mindgames with himself, and move on to someone better. 💐

Thank you so much for your kind and detailed post- it means a lot and gives me hope. I’m so glad you got your longed for DC.

The problem is that he is/was all of those things. Kind and considerate, always had my back when I had work issues and there to fight my corner. We did the mundane supermarket shops and he nursed me through Covid etc. Lovely family who he’s really close to and coparents fantastically with his ex. He’s been wonderful (hence me struggling so much to get over this) until the day he dropped that bomb. I’m still reeling and I miss what we had so much.