I don’t know how to go on - help

[StarsAtElbowsAndFoot]

Regular user but name change wouldn’t work so have created a new account.

Last week my partner announced out of the blue that he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be with me anymore. There were no prior signs of this so it’s totally blindsided me and I just don’t know how to cope.

I’ve always suffered with huge self esteem issues and was convinced I’d never find anyone. He’s the only person who has ever made me feel loved and secure. We were very happy (or so I thought) and settled and had talked about a happy future together. I lived with him. My stuff is still at his. To make matters worse he has a DC who I love like my own so it feels like a double loss. I’ve always wanted DC more than anything in the world (and hoped to have them with him) and I can’t believe that my family unit has gone.

Now he’s gone, I’m back to feeling I’m going to be on my own forever, and without children. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep (and when I do I dream about him so it’s even worse when I wake up) and can’t really go longer than about twenty minutes without crying. I’ve been like this for a week now. He was the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I just can’t stop thinking about all our amazing happy times and the future that I thought I had with them. I feel totally worthless and unlovable and just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been signed off work today.

He is gorgeous, hilariously funny, supportive and a fantastic Dad. We never stopped laughing together, even up to the night before. Everything I’ve ever wanted and I just can’t imagine life without him. All I see now is a future of being on my own.

I went round there the other night so we can talk things through and it just doesn’t make any sense- he says we get on amazingly and he loves spending time with me and he still wants me in his life but that his feelings have changed. We did discuss our relationship and both acknowledged that maybe some parts moved too quickly etc and he’s said he’s not closing the door on us and is considering giving it another shot. This initially made me feel hopeful but I’ve been back to being an utter misery since. I just don’t know how to deal with this grief.

I know someone will suggest this but I really don’t think he’s met anyone else or there’s anyone else involved. I genuinely don’t.

Sorry it’s so long and I’m not sure what I’m even after other than some reassurance that there is happiness ahead somewhere.

She knows she isn't the child's mother, and doesn't have to have a child of her own to use the phrase 'loved them like they were her own'. I hardly think hoping this relationship would last is overinvesting, she didn't see this coming at all so of course she is going to be invested in some way.

@Frazzledmummy123 , "like it was your own, unless you have your own you wouldn't really know."
Do you have any awareness of how unpleasant and harsh that comes across?

@DuchessOfSausage It wasn't me who said that, you have replied to the wrong person.
I was replying to the poster who said it, and was actually saying what she said wasn't fair.

My apologies, @Frazzledmummy123 , it should have been directed at @xfan

@DuchessOfSausage no problem, it's easy done in these posts with quotations.

Jesus, are you trying to make the op more unhappy? Don't listen to this person op, I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. You thought you were settled for good and you've had the rug pulled from under you. It's perfectly normal to feel as you are feeling. I've seen it happen to others in circumstances very different to yours, where the relationship has been ending for some time, yet it still has the same effect. You are grieving. It's normal. But it's important to also understand that grief eases. Gradually, slowly, but it does. You will eventually move on and feel better again, I promise.

Well said

OP, I would just ring Samaritans and see what happens. I'm sure they must be very used to people calling them without really knowing what to say 😊 Alternatively you could ring them and say, "I need to read you something I've written" and read out some of your posts on here. People are waiting to listen to you

I’d also call the Samaritans
don’t underestimate the kindness of talking to a real person
regarding therapy
could you cut other costs and go fortnightly ? I really think you need to talk things through with a kind or wise soul

the main thing I want to say is just be kind to yourself
feel shit ? That’s ok

I hope you arnt in communicating with him
I watched some good YouTube videos today
and that no contact us THE way forward

you need to totally disappear and focus on getting through this

this shit isn’t linear , and healing takes time

im now two weeks post and feeling a bit better
that’s because we split a few times and I didn’t have the rug pulled under my feet like you did

but last week was dark and I really had to push myself

As others have said, I don’t think it was ‘overinvested’ for me to think the relationship I was in was going to last really. We’d been living as a totally normal couple and been away for weekends etc right up until the night he did this. I had no reason to think we weren’t both totally invested in it.

As for loving his child, I can accept that in hindsight I should have protected my heart a little more by not getting so close to his DC but at the end of the day it’s not something I really deliberately did at the time. They were part of my life, of course I grew close and genuinely felt like I loved them like my own. I’d also say that telling someone who has admitted she’d love children of her own that she can’t understand unless she’s got a child herself is pretty vicious. Thanks to pp for getting in there first on that one.

There has been some communication yes. I totally see what you mean about no contact being the way forward and of course you’re probably right but he’s meant to be coming to see me this week and we’re going to talk things through. I realise that if the talk comes to nothing then I’m going to be heartbroken all over again and I’m probably pathetic not to just cut him out, but I’ve genuinely been blindsided by all this so if there’s any chance of reconciling I’m not ready to close the door on that just yet.

Other than that though, I’m still really low. Very worried about work as I’m meant to be back next week and right now there’s just no way that I could cope with it (I’m a teacher so it’s not the kind of job where I can hole myself away in an office and get on with things)

I might phone Samaritans because just having someone listen to my misery might be of some help. As are all the very kind words on this thread.

And sorry, it’s really rude of me not to say I hope you’re doing alright too. I’m so sorry you’re going through similar and really value and appreciate all your kindness and advice.

StarsAtElbowsAndFoot
call the Samaritans definitely
it’s only Tuesday tomorrow lovely , see how you feel in a couple of days

you might want to think abiut what you said ‘if the talk comes to nothing’

are you in a strong enough state to see him?
can you tell him this has triggeted a depressive episode ?

i hate the idea of you being more upset

I do not want to seem unkind, but you really need to put on your big girl panties and at least get back to work.

If he has 'blindsided' you once, what's stopping him from doing it again? You're hanging on to crumbs.

How you keeping op ? X

Ramsbottom, how is dontputitthere being venemous? Everything she says is reasonable and intended to help OP. Nothing venemous at all.

OP, you say he says we get on amazingly and he loves spending time with me and he still wants me in his life but that his feelings have changed. … and he’s said he’s not closing the door on us and is considering giving it another shot.

Whatever his reasons, he is treating you as a toy he can pick up or put down. It’s understandable that you’re suffering, as you say it’s the only real relationship you’ve ever had. But he’s not worth your grief.

My bigger concern is that you seem to think he’s your only chance at marriage and children. You need good competent counselling to help raise your self-esteem and discover better ways of making a relationship.

Lots of good advice on this thread. I hope you will follow the advice that aims to make you stronger and happier.

It's the nicest possible way you need to get back to your life. Lying about all day dwelling on this won't help, go back to work, join a class a couple of times a week, make plans so it isn't such a long weekend. You are only 31, so you still have time for children, I had my son at 35

He should never had moved you in so quickly and got you so involved in his child's life, that's a red flag for me

It will be hard but I wonder if you are more devastated about " the life" you feel you have lost rather than him

Fight back, create a life for yourself and continue with the counselling

Why did he say his relationship with the mother of his child broke down?

Do you have any way of verifying what he says is true?

It sounds like he both had you move in with him and introduced you to his child early-ish. Not very responsible, considerate behaviour towards you or his child. I'm sure the mother must be pissed off & frustrated that he's had a woman living with him, introduced her, played happy families and now ended the relationship because he "doesn't feel the sane way). We perhaps he should have kept it low key and relaxed until he gave himself enough time (past the honeymoon period) to see if he would continue to feel the same way. He's not on his own, he had responsibilities to his child (and indirectly their other parent).

He's pretty flaky and irresponsible and cavalier.

I'd be interested to know how his relationship with his child's mother (a situation with the strongest reasons to try to make succeed) ended.

so why not develop a sort of mentoring relationship that means we can still enjoy those interactions and keep getting to know each other

I hadn't caught op's age.

31, plenty of time.

My antenatal class was 90 percent mid 30s (and several older ones like me).

It won't be plenty of time if you waste much of it on people like him though.

What on earth ... Sorry I've accidentally quoted another thread. I meant to quote your age being only 31.

Op most of all you need to get rid of this feeling you're somehow unloveable, things won't work out for you in a relationship/family wise, that this bloke was your only chance at it. Etc.

Pessimistic, fatalistic, scarcity mentality, victimised mentality ..... Were has that come from, are your parents shite?

Totally agree

You may not feel like it but you need to get out and keep yourself very busy, try new things.

Learning new things forced you to concentrate and takes your mind off the issue and breaks that non stop repetitive cycle of thinking about it. Your mind needs the break.

Anything that's challenging and forces you to concentrate.

The advantage would be meeting new people too.

You need to get lots of light and exercise too

What about park run.

What about bouldering (though it's indoor) or climbing.Tennis. Any courses you're interested in.

Volunteering. Maybe conservation volunteers, RNLI etc.

Keep yourself busy, try new things, get out ... It will make no difference to how things go with this guy whether you are miserable or ok at this time. And someone being miserable and devastated isn't going to improve their "case" anyway.

Btw even if he does get back together with you one way or another .... The poster who said this is a very big warning is right. It would be foolish to invest further in someone this flaky/conflicted/ambivalent.

OP I am also a teacher and was suicidal over a break up 18 months ago. It was terrifying.
One thing that helped me a lot was going out EVERY day - I attached myself to my best friend and tagged along with her- often silently.
I think you need to get back to work- I know it is hard but it is a distraction. Also go to the GP - mine really helped me.

Thanks again everyone. I’ve been to the doctor this morning and also seen an occupational therapist at the surgery. I’ve been referred to the mental health team for assessment. Also got my next counselling session next week. Doctor wanted to sign me off for another two weeks but I negotiated that down to one.

Not in a good place. Think it’s obvious that I’ve had underlying issues and this has just tipped me over the edge.

Appreciate all your kind comments and advice but I’m just feeling a bit too hopeless to see any of it right now I think. Feels so pathetic that I’ve been so overwhelmed and floored.