I don’t know how to go on - help

[StarsAtElbowsAndFoot]

Regular user but name change wouldn’t work so have created a new account.

Last week my partner announced out of the blue that he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be with me anymore. There were no prior signs of this so it’s totally blindsided me and I just don’t know how to cope.

I’ve always suffered with huge self esteem issues and was convinced I’d never find anyone. He’s the only person who has ever made me feel loved and secure. We were very happy (or so I thought) and settled and had talked about a happy future together. I lived with him. My stuff is still at his. To make matters worse he has a DC who I love like my own so it feels like a double loss. I’ve always wanted DC more than anything in the world (and hoped to have them with him) and I can’t believe that my family unit has gone.

Now he’s gone, I’m back to feeling I’m going to be on my own forever, and without children. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep (and when I do I dream about him so it’s even worse when I wake up) and can’t really go longer than about twenty minutes without crying. I’ve been like this for a week now. He was the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I just can’t stop thinking about all our amazing happy times and the future that I thought I had with them. I feel totally worthless and unlovable and just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been signed off work today.

He is gorgeous, hilariously funny, supportive and a fantastic Dad. We never stopped laughing together, even up to the night before. Everything I’ve ever wanted and I just can’t imagine life without him. All I see now is a future of being on my own.

I went round there the other night so we can talk things through and it just doesn’t make any sense- he says we get on amazingly and he loves spending time with me and he still wants me in his life but that his feelings have changed. We did discuss our relationship and both acknowledged that maybe some parts moved too quickly etc and he’s said he’s not closing the door on us and is considering giving it another shot. This initially made me feel hopeful but I’ve been back to being an utter misery since. I just don’t know how to deal with this grief.

I know someone will suggest this but I really don’t think he’s met anyone else or there’s anyone else involved. I genuinely don’t.

Sorry it’s so long and I’m not sure what I’m even after other than some reassurance that there is happiness ahead somewhere.

In that case things are more complicated.

You say he’s lovely, but I’m certainly not going to turn round and say “well, in that case the fault must lie with you.” Do not victim blame yourself in this.

If the relationship is worth fighting for, then fight for it, I guess. My partner did that for me when I was very uncertain.

One thing that worries me (and forgive me if I’m projecting my own issues) is that it sounds slightly as if this relationship has become your be-all-and-end-all. I was too needy when younger - note: all people are needy, this is human, especially when young, which 31 is - but I needed to move past that.

It sounds to me like an emotionally co-dependent relationship.
What did you continue to do once you met him? Did you continue to see your friends? Carry on with your hobbies? Working your way up in your job?

Most people feel extremely sad, often shocked and heartbroken at a loss of a loving relationship, what you are describing is the end of life as you knew it. This is a classic sign of you having sacrificed everything for the relationship feel utterly lost when it has gone.

What is still there? Your job? Your friends? Your future? You are there still there op. You can nurse yourself through this with some help from a counsellor. Book a holiday and start to really think about what you want from today. Not him, not that life but something new.

You lost yourself with him, and I think that may have been part of the problem.

Were you neglected as a child emotionally or physically by any chance? Or without one or both parents perhaps?

Yes, this is exactly what it is really. Huge issues from childhood to do with absent parent etc. Always had mega low self worth, he came along and made me feel loved for the first time ever and as a result I’ve forgotten how to live without him and can’t be happy in myself (I mean neither was I happy in myself before I met him).

I can recognise it, but that doesn’t help the pain.

You really need a good counsellor that is qualified to help you recover your love for self and your self worth. You have a huge hole where the unconditional love of your parents should have been as a child, and as a result it is common to go through life trying to fill the void - to get that need finally met. And you did with your last dp, and the relief was massive for you for a while at least. The problem is it creates a needy, co dependent and unhealthy relationship.

Now it has ended you feel devastated because you are reliving the pain of childhood, as much as the loss of your dp.

I say this kindly but it is not the job of your dp to fill emotional black holes caused by your parents op, he needs to be your partner in life and to be with a 'whole person' he can't be your emotional life support op. This dynamic is really unhealthy for you, but also for him. He needs an equal, and the neediness that comes with this kind of relationship can be very very overbearing to live with.

With successful counselling you can repair this hole with self love and self esteem, it is a lot of work but you can do it, and once repaired you can go out and have an equal loving relationship based on supporting/loving each other and not the replacement of something lost in childhood/unmet needs. Every relationship is likely to fail until this is addressed op. You can do lots of reading and research to aid your recovery. It can be done, and you will feel so much better not relying on someone else to survive - it is very liberating.

You also have to be extremely careful not to end up in abusive relationships too, with men that can sense your vulnerability and will take full advantage.

I really really appreciate you taking the time to give me such sage advice and I agree with everything you’re saying.

I can’t help but feel that this means that’s it’s my fault that the relationship failed though. And that makes me feel terrible and then start raking it all over in my head again and think about what I could have done differently. So much regret.

For what it’s worth, I was open with him about my self esteem issues from the beginning. I also made a conscious effort throughout NOT to make him feel smothered by them/ask for reassurance all the time or act like I depended on him wholly for emotional stability.

But despite all that it still feels like I’ve just massively failed.

Op this is your negative inner critic saying you have failed.

You have not failed at all.

We are talking about your feelings, not who is responsible for the ending of the relationship.

Can you see the difference?

You are immediately assuming blame, 'I am damaged therefore it must be my fault' but this is not true, you have with awareness of your childhood, given this relationship everything you have got. You could not have done more or have any cause for regret. Although I do belief we are each responsible for some part of relationship breakdowns, but that is a separate issue, none of us are perfect.

I am not saying any of the above because you have failed in any way whatsoever. You are posting and we are seeing this through your lense. You have taken the ending so very badly that it indicates to me this is about far far more than just one man. And when you are in counselling you will probably see this more clearly.

Your reaction to the end of this relationship is extreme. Balanced and healthy relationships do not tend to generate the desperation you are expressing, the needing to hold on for dear life. If you are both equal then it is from the start known that you are both choosing to be together every day, there is no undercurrent. If my dh ended our 20 year marriage tomorrow, of course I would be so very sad and upset, but I would not see it as the end of my life because I have so many other things that make my life rich and happy, with or without my dh. Do you see the difference? I don't need him in my life, but I want him in my life. There is a big difference between the two.

You will recover, in time, and enjoy the relationship for what it was and give yourself credit - you were great this time! So you can do it again. You are only young. Repair your broken bits, and come back stronger. This is not about him now, this is about you and your feelings, your future.

It is shit what he's done, but the best way now to deal with it and get over it, is also the way that would most likely succeed in him realising he's made a mistake, if that is what he has done and its not someone else he's jumped ship to.
No contact gets you over it quicker in the long run, although painful at the start. No contact, also will make him miss you, and maybe realise what he's thrown away if it was as good as he claims.
Begging for another chance, finding ways and excuses to stay in contact, just makes you look more desperate, clingy and less attractive - independence is attractive, co-dependence is a bind.
Just being open about poor self-esteem, is in itself is putting responsibility on another to prop you up. I don't think it was wise for you to divulge that, as it can still put a person off if they don't have those issues themselves - and it looks like he doesn't.
Avoiding him altogether will work for what ever ending is best, whether that's getting over it or him realising what he's missing. So if you can, don't block him via 1 method of communication, but don't use it either. He will come running back, or he won't, he will miss you, or he won't- but you have to be absent in his life to find that out.

Op the pp have given some really good and wise advice. You don't have to take it and you don't have to feel bad if you go back to him. You love him and want to make it work and if it does that's great. I hope he does realise he's made a huge mistake.
But for now at least look after yourself, eat and sleep when you can because not doing either really does make you feel so much worse.

It would be easier if you took him off the pedestal and take a good look, he has flaws and insecurities as well, he is far from perfect. What didn't you like about him? What wasn't so easy/nice/good? Start to develop that awareness about his weaknesses as well as your own. There must have been things you didn't enjoy/like because life is never perfect. By doing so, you allow yourself some humanity and kindness. You loved him flaws and all, others will love you for you as well.

You are giving yourself such a hard time op but things happen, and there is not always 'fault' and blame. It could be a reason that has nothing at all to do with you. I have ended relationships because I wanted something else/travel/to be on my own etc.

Get your things, then block him on everything. It will hurt, but it will mean you can get over the breakup and start the rest of your life.

If you persuade him to try to make it work, you'll be walking on eggshells and the hurt will come back along the line, only you'll be older, you might by then leaving it too late to start a family of your own.

Grieve the break-up and the future you thought you had with him, then get over it and have a future without him. He's shown you that he doesn't want a future with you. Sorry and hugs.

Is it possible you both have different attachment styles which clash? There are a few different ones. My partner broke up with me several times over the first two years of our relationship because he has an avoidant attachment style and I have an anxious attachment style - we both had things happen in childhood but he was properly neglected and that's how he became avoidant - its a type of self protection from being hurt. I didn't think I was being anxious in any way in our relationship - but I was being, looking back!!) Humans can easily pick up on things even when very subtle. It was a vicious circle - the more he pulled back the more I got anxious. He used to say the exact same things to me when he broke up with me - I want you in my life, I love spending time with you, we get on so well etc so I didn't understand what was going on.
I watched some videos on YouTube by a guy called alexis friedlander who is an avoidant himself. Since I've learned that avoidants pull back sometimes even when they love you they can't help it, it's helped me as I have learned to mirror his behaviour and so I now pull back
a bit when he starts to and since then we haven't broken up as I realise that him pulling back has nothing to do with how he feels about me he just needs space sometimes from my (admittedly less often) slightly needy behaviour. I haven't discussed this with my partner as I don't want to bring his childhood up more than is necessary but by altering my behaviour a little the relationship now works.

How are you doing today, OP?

Really not good. It’s clearly triggered some sort of depressive episode as I’m still just lying around with no energy feeling overwhelmed with sadness all the time. I’m debating going up to stay with my brother and SIL for a couple of days just to try and break out of this hideous cycle of misery. I’ve got another counselling session booked for next week. I’ve started taking Sertraline which I’ve been on before but I know it’ll be a good while before that kicks in at all.

He’s been in touch- messaged to say he hoped I was ok the other night when he’d clearly had a few drinks and he’s messaged today just a couple of times making chit chat. I’ve answered both times but ignored the how are you parts because I don’t think telling him just how badly this has affected me and what a mess I am can do me any favours.

Please go no contact

It's really hard but I promise it speeds it up

Oh mate
its really hard . I’ve split with someone who wasn’t perfect for me , and I’m devastated
so to have it happen like this is really painful

you have to do what every sad and heartbroken person has to do which is keep moving forward

allow a good month to feel crappy
make sure you exercise
even if you don’t want to…..
make plans to see friends you like
journal
if you really struggle get some help , therapy etc

at the end of the day you want someone that wants you
just because this failed doesn’t mean another one will

and you should try to delete memories , don’t stalk and make a clean break

there might be someone else , but there might not be

Hope you feel better soon OP.

You really need to go NC though. I have been there. It is really not helping and almost cruel for him to check back and want to have a chit chat. Honestly, he turned your world upside down and he KNOWS it...

Hugs xx

I’m genuinely worried about myself. I’m not going to do anything stupid so that’s not what I mean but I’m just in total despair. I just can’t see any hope ahead at all. Don’t know what to do with myself.

I realise it’s a disproportionate response. As I say it’s clearly set off some sort of depressive episode and I know I’m being extreme and pathetic.

But knowing that doesn’t stop the pain

I've been where you are. My heart was utterly broken when my partner of 8 years suddenly announced that he didn't love me anymore.
Like you, I couldn't eat or sleep. I just lay around all day in pieces. I tried to stay friends in the hope he would want to give it another try. All it did was prolong the pain. This is what is happening with you wanting to try dating so you know you tried. It will just draw out the pain.
In the end, I had to cut all contact. It took a long time but one day I realised that I could face going out and being with people again and slowly recovered. It's properly shit but if you stay away from him, you will get better.
It sounds like you've put him on a pedestal. I did the same. He's not amazing and wonderful. He's just a normal bloke.
Focus on small goals. Getting up, getting dressed, eating and getting back to work as soon as you can. Structure will help.
Take care of yourself.

I realise it’s a disproportionate response

no , part of being kind to yourself is allowing yourself to be sad and heartbroken 💔 for as long as it takes
and following all that good advice to exercise , see kind people etc

endings are hard . The more you accept you are ina bad way and look after yourself the better
So good with the SSRI , therapy
something good might come out of this in the longer run

but him having chit chat ? No
hes broken your world up
he can’t send chit chat
it’s over and he needs to leave you be to heal

by the way 100mg is a high dose to start on
how many days ? Can make Sadness worse to start with

Time for some deep soul searching OP. We've all been there and these are times for deep reflection and growth. Think about what you would have done differently. If you can't think of anything then he really wasn't for you. Even if you can think of things you would have done differently don't beat yourself up, we are all human we are all learning and growing. Enjoy if it's possible being single! You never know if you meet someone in say a year or so you may never be single again! Or...he may even come back! This is a possibility if things were as perfect as you say and you literally can't think of a thing you have done. x

Yeah, think this is likely.

OP I am old enough to know there are guys who really do appear to be good, kind, supportive, truly lovely people. But it’s a cloak they wear, one they believe in. But in reality, they do people over when it suits them. I’ve known serial cheats that you never would have guessed. They were the guys who restored your faith in men. Till you found out what they were really doing.

Hope you are doing better, OP.

Thank you so much for thinking of me.

I’d be lying if I said I was better. If anything I’m probably worse. Genuinely immobilised with sadness and finding it impossible to do anything.

I tried a new approach today. I’ve been beating myself up for being so pathetic and trying to force myself to do something even when finding it impossible. Today, I’ve given in to it and accepted that this is currently my situation and I’ve lay on the sofa watching crap TV all afternoon. If I was ill, I’d be resting and not exerting myself and I guess I am ‘ill’ just in a different way.

Literally taking it minute by minute as at times the total misery and spiralling thoughts feel completely overwhelming. It feels totally hopeless.

Thank you for everyone’s messages.

Hey op
Good for you
you need to accept you are in a bad way and grieve a bit
can I ask when you started ssri?
i had to come down a level as they made me feel emotionally worse x