I don’t know how to go on - help

[StarsAtElbowsAndFoot]

Regular user but name change wouldn’t work so have created a new account.

Last week my partner announced out of the blue that he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be with me anymore. There were no prior signs of this so it’s totally blindsided me and I just don’t know how to cope.

I’ve always suffered with huge self esteem issues and was convinced I’d never find anyone. He’s the only person who has ever made me feel loved and secure. We were very happy (or so I thought) and settled and had talked about a happy future together. I lived with him. My stuff is still at his. To make matters worse he has a DC who I love like my own so it feels like a double loss. I’ve always wanted DC more than anything in the world (and hoped to have them with him) and I can’t believe that my family unit has gone.

Now he’s gone, I’m back to feeling I’m going to be on my own forever, and without children. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep (and when I do I dream about him so it’s even worse when I wake up) and can’t really go longer than about twenty minutes without crying. I’ve been like this for a week now. He was the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I just can’t stop thinking about all our amazing happy times and the future that I thought I had with them. I feel totally worthless and unlovable and just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been signed off work today.

He is gorgeous, hilariously funny, supportive and a fantastic Dad. We never stopped laughing together, even up to the night before. Everything I’ve ever wanted and I just can’t imagine life without him. All I see now is a future of being on my own.

I went round there the other night so we can talk things through and it just doesn’t make any sense- he says we get on amazingly and he loves spending time with me and he still wants me in his life but that his feelings have changed. We did discuss our relationship and both acknowledged that maybe some parts moved too quickly etc and he’s said he’s not closing the door on us and is considering giving it another shot. This initially made me feel hopeful but I’ve been back to being an utter misery since. I just don’t know how to deal with this grief.

I know someone will suggest this but I really don’t think he’s met anyone else or there’s anyone else involved. I genuinely don’t.

Sorry it’s so long and I’m not sure what I’m even after other than some reassurance that there is happiness ahead somewhere.

Thank you. I really am in a terrible way to be honest. I can’t see a way ahead.

I’ve been on Sertraline before and have found the side effects to be horrendous at first so this time I’ve started by taking half a tablet a day and will increase to a whole tablet in a few days. They’re 50mg so I’m starting on 25mg a day.

Just feel hopeless.

I’d say you are having a major depressive episode triggered by this

and you need to take care of yourself
50mg is a decent doseage
when do you start therapy ?

the whole point of depressive episodes is that you can’t foresee them ending , ever

so maybe you need to allow it , wallow and rest and cry

what I’d say to a that sadness isn’t all about him
there will be other factors driving this despair

and during the therapy process you will uncover them
and if it get really bad and you can’t cope

call Samaritans
call the nhs mental health line
just talk to someone kind x

Nhs line
0800 328 4444

I think that’s absolutely what’s happened. It’s scared me how much of an impact this has had on me and I just can’t see a way out.

Thank you for being so kind to me. The NHS mental health line doesn’t exist in my area but I’ve been thinking about helplines/Samaritans etc. I’m not going to harm myself because I’m too much of a wimp but I do keep reaching points where the sadness is totally overwhelming and maybe that’s when I could give them a call. I don’t think I’d know what to say though.

You are grieving for the future you didn't get to have. I feel for you OP. I have been there.

As you said, take it step by step. No rushing, no forcing. Just remember be kind to yourself.

Just talk to them
I called this week twice
it helped x

Hey OP
hope you are hanging on in there
some good posts here
they’ve helped me too x

Thanks so much for checking in on me. People on this thread are extremely kind.

I’m still going but still feeling very much the same. Totally miserable and unable to do anything, sadness overwhelming at times. Going to sleep and waking up in the morning are particularly horrendous and I’m definitely medicating with wine to go to sleep at night which isn’t great in itself.

Trying to be kind to myself and just accept it, minute by minute. But feeling particularly pathetic today and just a failure for not being a normal functioning person and going to work.

We are being kind because (a) you deserve it and (b) kindness is what’s helped me in the past (and I’m sure others too )

so you still feel crap . That’s ok
this isn’t linear
keep going , expect another wobble

can we have a bath and deep condition and force a short walk
tomorrow ?

So sorry you are going through this. Heartbreak can be utter hell. I've been there a few times, like most people.

I think it may help to remind yourself you have had a relationship. OK, it didn't work out, but you've had one and an have another.

It's still early days and the pain is raw and relentless but it does ease in time. Hold onto that.

You can continue to grieve what could have been, or you can focus on building yourself up and focus on the endless possibilities of what's to come.

This is the time to build yourself up, work on that self esteem and find safety within yourself.

What once worked for me was asking myself is my ex crying into a pint over losing me? Of course he wasn't. He was out moving on with his life. That thought really opened my eyes up to the torture I was putting myself through for someone not worthy of my tears.

Stay strong! You will get through this x

Hi OP, sorry to hear that you're still feeling so low. Like others, I can really relate. Can you make a short, undemanding list of nice things you can do today that might, just for a few minutes at a time, make you feel better? A long and luxurious bath, a coffee with a friend, a walk in the crisp sunshine (it is in Kent, so hope the same where you are), even sorting out a drawer might be distracting and take your mind away from its washing machine tactics that keep going round and round. Sending you hugs.

Thank you again for being lovely.

I did force myself to go for a walk with my friend today. I’d be lying if I said I enjoyed it- I was utterly miserable the whole time even when surrounded by gorgeous views (and quite wobbly from not eating much) but at least I can tell myself I did it now I guess.

Thank you for being so kind.

I really am struggling so much and it’s hideous.

Thanks for being so nice to me.

It was gorgeous here in Wales today and I did force myself to go for a walk with my friend. I was genuinely miserable the whole time, it just feels utterly relentless. But at least I can tell myself I did it I guess.

I’m also beating myself up because I’m aware I can’t stay off work forever. I’ve got another week on my sick note but I genuinely can’t see myself being able to work by then which is very pathetic and not conducive but that’s currently where I’m at.

Thanks again- very appreciated that people are checking in on me and being kind.

People are being kind because you're obviously feeling very fragile and you deserve kindness. However, not eating is only going to make you feel worse .... I know that you know this already. I remember not being able to swallow more than a mouthful at a time in a similar situation, but try a few spoonfuls of your favourite soup at a time, hot chocolate, indulge yourself in whatever you think of as your treat food.

It's only time that will bring acceptance and peace, and I think you know that too. Just small steps will edge you forwards so well done for meeting your friend and getting out, despite your heart not being in it.

Onwards and upwards 💐.

I was you 9 years ago, had been together about a year and a half. Both of us just blown away by how much we loved each other, we had no doubt we'd be together for ever. Until he woke up one day and it was over. He had no explanation, his feelings had just gone. To cut a v long story short we ended up getting back together after a couple of months and were together then for two years but it was never the same, he didn't tell me he loved me and aftet two years did the same. I was broken when he left, you sound exactly like I felt, I was in shock I think and could not believe ve what had happened, i remember thinking it would have been better if he'd died. I could not think how I could 'be' without him and ended up on anti depressants for a while. My point is, you will get through it, it doesn't feel like it now but you will. My other point is do not have him back, it will never be the same and you will never know when he's going to go exactly the same again. In my case I met someone else after we split up and he then decided I was his soul mate after all but by then it was too late. I hope things start to get better for you soon x

I'm sorry for your heartache; it can be all-consuming.

With all due kindness, have you considered counseling? You seem to put such a do-or-die emphasis on finding a partner, having kids, etc. rather than living in the moment and enjoying what life brings. The reality is that it doesn't work out for everyone, and that doesn't mean life is shit or not worth living. And it's a lot of pressure to put on your future offspring, as well as partners. You need more than one dream to get through life on.

I think you need to do some work on your self-esteem with a counselor before diving into another relationship. If you started moving in with a father of a young child six months into your relationship, rather than maintaining your independence to see how things developed, you weren't really protecting yourself. I'm sure a professional can give you some tips for both dealing with the current grief and looking out for your own best interests in the future.

Walking outdoors twice a day will help, too. Don't let the beautiful autumn slip by unseen. Good luck to you.

Hello, yes I’m already having counselling. I can’t afford to get it privately but can access a few sessions through work. I’m not sure what I’ll do when those run out though!

I’m very aware that what you’re saying is right though. I don’t really believe I’ve ever felt loved (until him) and I see myself as a failure because of that.

Thank you for your kind words

Really really struggling today. Can’t find the motivation to even move. I just can’t believe he’s done this- switched off the relationship (and in doing so my home and everything that came along with that) just overnight.

I've been there too OP and weekends can be

Weekends can be killers
Try what a PP suggested and take it an hour at a time. I found dry small food really helpful . Pretzels, nuts etc as I couldnt eat at all.
I really recommend Rosie greens book How to Heal a Broken Heart. It got me through loads. She is also really good on Instagram

I'm nursing a broken heart too. Sleepless nights, sick feeling, constantly questioning what I did wrong. Don't forget, each day that goes by is another where you're moving on. You're stronger than you think. It's his loss and you will eventually realise that he wasn't as good as you thought x

Sending you lots of ❤❤and healing hugs! I am truly sorry for what you are going through.

I know this is no consolation at the moment, and I am only going to echo what others have said, he isn't the guy you thought he was 💐. Even IF he did suddenly change his mind and say he made a mistake, etc, ask yourself this... could you really deep down, get past this past week and the fact he put you through this heartache? You would live your life with him wondering why he suddenly turned on you like that, and never feel secure with him like before. It is irrepairably damaged, and he did it. Perhaps this might help you with the horrible process of moving on, focus on the now and not what was?

I am sorry to say this, but I would be wary of there being no OW. The sudden change makes me wonder. Even if nothing has happened, his head might have been turned. The fact he has mentioned considering to rethink, makes me think he wants to keep you as the back up if nothing happens with the OW. Of course, I might be wrong, however I don't think it is impossible.

Take care of yourself. Treat yourself and keep busy to not be dwelling on him.

Whatever you do don’t blame yourself he’s a knob and like you say you had no idea he was unhappy.

What a dick he obviously had no lover for your feelings.

You need to grieve the loss of who you “thought” he was but remember that was all an act.

Dont fall for his bs and just become his fuck buddy or side piece

What else do you have going on in life apart from this relationship?

I'm concerned you love(d) his child like it was your own, unless you have your own you wouldn't really know. You are not the mother. Did he say he wanted more children (or did you project that?). It sounds like you overinvested in someone else's life and you're mourning the future you have lost...