I don’t know how to go on - help

[StarsAtElbowsAndFoot]

Regular user but name change wouldn’t work so have created a new account.

Last week my partner announced out of the blue that he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be with me anymore. There were no prior signs of this so it’s totally blindsided me and I just don’t know how to cope.

I’ve always suffered with huge self esteem issues and was convinced I’d never find anyone. He’s the only person who has ever made me feel loved and secure. We were very happy (or so I thought) and settled and had talked about a happy future together. I lived with him. My stuff is still at his. To make matters worse he has a DC who I love like my own so it feels like a double loss. I’ve always wanted DC more than anything in the world (and hoped to have them with him) and I can’t believe that my family unit has gone.

Now he’s gone, I’m back to feeling I’m going to be on my own forever, and without children. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep (and when I do I dream about him so it’s even worse when I wake up) and can’t really go longer than about twenty minutes without crying. I’ve been like this for a week now. He was the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I just can’t stop thinking about all our amazing happy times and the future that I thought I had with them. I feel totally worthless and unlovable and just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been signed off work today.

He is gorgeous, hilariously funny, supportive and a fantastic Dad. We never stopped laughing together, even up to the night before. Everything I’ve ever wanted and I just can’t imagine life without him. All I see now is a future of being on my own.

I went round there the other night so we can talk things through and it just doesn’t make any sense- he says we get on amazingly and he loves spending time with me and he still wants me in his life but that his feelings have changed. We did discuss our relationship and both acknowledged that maybe some parts moved too quickly etc and he’s said he’s not closing the door on us and is considering giving it another shot. This initially made me feel hopeful but I’ve been back to being an utter misery since. I just don’t know how to deal with this grief.

I know someone will suggest this but I really don’t think he’s met anyone else or there’s anyone else involved. I genuinely don’t.

Sorry it’s so long and I’m not sure what I’m even after other than some reassurance that there is happiness ahead somewhere.

Men usually only leave for one reason.

He will come back when she ditches him.

Don't let him.

I know exactly what you mean about if he had talked to you you could have worked it out. Mine did this too. With time, I've come to see he was unhappy for a while but too cowardly to say. I was also unhappy, and again, time helped me see it. It's a long old journey OP but you will get there

@Ramsbottom actually I think he's been pretty shit here. To go from perfectly happy no problems to ditched overnight is crappy.

No discussion. No working things out. The op has had to do all the work to beg for crumbs of a relationship.

And yeah fuck it. I do judge someone who brings people in and out of their kids lives like that. The op was living there one minute. Now she's not.

To say he's not 'closed the door on her' is cruel. He's dumped her. If he cared about her he'd let her move on. Not dangle the potential of something.

Of course he can change his mind. But normally in a committed living together relationship there might be some conversation if things aren't working well. So you can sort them out.

Or if he's decided by himself no discussion that's fine. Let her go. Don't dangle friendship/dates/etc. he can't have it both ways.

Yes, things really were that good. And he’s acknowledged that when we’ve discussed it the other night. He said we always have an amazing time and never stop laughing etc. But somewhere along the way his feelings have changed for no apparent reason. He can’t tell me exactly when but he’s definitely never acted differently.

In terms of things moving quite quickly, he lives very near my work so I think that and the fact that we couldn’t get enough of each other meant that maybe I moved in too soon. It wasn’t something that was discussed at the time really, it more just gradually happened. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t force my presence on him and always got the impression he very much wanted me there. But in hindsight maybe we should have spent longer in the stage when we were just staying at each other’s houses and dating etc. This is something we’ve both acknowledged and that’s what I mean about doing it differently if we tried again.

But if he doesn’t agree to try again then that’s irrelevant obviously- I’ll have to accept that he really has ended the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

How long have you been in the relationship and how quickly did you move in? If it’s been a whirlwind he could have got cold feet, or just really caught up with himself coming out of the honeymoon period.

I'm sorry you are suffering through this heartache. You don't say how old you are or how long you have been together but I guess it doesn't matter. He's not coming back. Please don't let his inconsequential words give you glimmers of hope.

You deserve better. This pain will pass but you have to be strong.

He needs to be honest with you at the very least, he owes you that. When did his feelings start to change, and why? I wouldn’t buy it that he doesn’t know why, of course he does. It hurts more someone lying to you than someone being honest and truthful with you. I really feel for you as it’s just so heartbreaking to be in this situation, especially when it comes like a bolt out of the blue and he’s refusing to give you any kind of explanation.

Do be careful if he agrees to give it another go. You could end up hurt even deeper, despite thinking it wouldn’t be as hurtful if you tried again and it still didn’t work out. Until he tells you why he suddenly went so cold on you, then it’s impossible to make changes to the relationship.

Try and fill your time a little when you’re off sick as it’s a lot worse when you’re out of your routine and have a lot of time to think. Maybe when you’re feeling a little stronger returning to work and keeping busier will be preferable. Take care

We’ve been together a year and a half. I know that doesn’t sound like a long time but it felt serious and committed and as I say, I thought we were both incredibly happy.

I’m not sure exactly when I moved in because as I say it sort of just gradually happened (I’d stay there more and more often) but I’d say probably December.

If he’s got cold feet, do you think there’s a chance he might decide to try again? As I say, if we tried again and it still wasn’t working for him then I could accept it a lot
more easily than at present where he’s just absolutely blindsided me.

I’m so so so sad. Broken. Can’t accept it’s over when we had so many plans and were such a happy unit (DC with us 50/50)

He’s been honest in the sense that he’s admitted his feelings have changed and that he didn’t think he was in love with me anymore (it hurts even to type that)

But he hasn’t given me any concrete reason and nothing he says matches up with his behaviour. The morning he did it he’d given me a lovely kiss goodbye and held my
hands. The night before we were laughing and he was sending voice notes to my mum. A couple of weeks before we’d joined the gym together and he’d paid for my first month for me to try it out as he was keen for me to keep going.

Nothing in his behaviour suggested in any way that he wasn’t still totally happy and in love. Hence me being so very blindsided.

And it’s not just him- it’s his DC who I was heavily involved with. Our weekends were all about going on days out the three of us. And now I’m just looking ahead to a bleak future of loneliness.

It hurts so much.

I’m 31. And I want so badly to settle down and have DC which I thought is what was happening with him (and that’s not me pressurising him, I thought we were on the same page)

I’m going to be alone forever.

Unfortunately this. Really, walk away. I truly doubt this is what you think it is.

Something else that makes it hideously hard is that everyone who hears is just as shocked as me. I get comments like ‘oh I thought you were so settled/thought you were both really happy/thought he was the one.’ It makes me feel ten times worse and like such a failure.

This is the problem when your self esteem hangs on having a man/being in a relationship (I know from experience so you are not the only one) If all of your self worth and success is wrapped around one external relationship then no wonder your life implodes when it ends.

You have many chapters in your life op, this is just one of many. You didn't do anything 'wrong' whatever happened is not your fault. People change their minds on their lives/future every single day. The only permanent person in your life is you. Everyone else is conditional and potentially temporary. Even when we have children, from our own bellies, they one day up and leave.

The sense of security, safety, fulfilment and leading your own life - it has to come from you. Every time you outsource it you to someone else (such as your dp) you abandon yourself.

I would stop hyper focusing on him and the relationship. Block him for now, and find the best counsellor you can afford and talk to them from start to finish about how you are feeling, how you ended up here. You need to rediscover your sense of self, your own values and worth and then you will be ready for a 'successful' relationship - this time as an equal and staying completely whole.

Being in a relationship does not mean you sacrifice yourself.

Good luck op.

You are not a failure @StarsAtElbowsAndFoot , but as others have said, block him. What you feel is normal for what you are going through. People say all sorts of things that don't help.
There is almost certainly an OW, he will have been future faking, and once he got a sniff of the OW, you're dumped.
Sorry if that's a bit harsh, but just block him. Don't look him up on SM, and don't contact him.

There's probably a 'broken hearted' thread on here. Go there and spill out your emotions. Try to not share too much with your friends.
Get some exercise, and try to eat something.

Been there. Didn't get closure, It hurt like hell. I look back now and think he did me a massive favour.

I would second the blocking. I locked down all my social media, blocked him on everything
. A couple of times I've wanted to search online but I haven't been able to because of that first blocking and deleting etc . I think that's saved me a lot of heartache in the long run

I absolutely know my self worth is terrible. It always has been. And I didn’t think I’d ever ever find anyone. And now I don’t think I will again.

And because I know my self worth is so crap, I’m going over and over the things I may have done wrong to put him off me. I was open with him from the start about having low self esteem, and I consciously made an effort no to seek reassurance etc. But it seems that I was probably still too draining to be in a relationship with.

I can’t currently block him as all my stuff is still at his. Going to try and get it this weekend whilst he’s away but obviously that’s going to feel horrendously final when I’m still hoping he’ll reconsider.

I don’t need to block him anyway as he won’t be in touch!

And of course if I cut him out of my life forever, I’m also cutting out his DC who I adore so much.

You can't make people love you. To dangle 'hope' is just cruel. If he valued you at all he certainly wouldn't risk losing you by treating you like this. It's definitely over whether you keep hanging on for crumbs or not. Please save yourself from this pain by accepting it's over. Good luck...

“I suppose he’s allowed to change his feelings towards me isn’t he. It doesn’t necessarily make him less of a decent person.”
Yes, of course he is allowed. If he said “Stars I’m sorry, I just don’t love you the way I should, I see you more as a friend than a life partner” - THAT would be a reason, you would have to let go, however much it hurt. It would be a clean break.

BUT he isn’t being honest with you. After a year and a half he can’t tell you the truth.

Then he gives you false hope, (at least I think he is). You don’t finish things, eject someone from your home for no reason and then say, oh perhaps we will try again, well maybe…..

I think he’s very gutless personally and trying to save face so he doesn’t look like the bad guy. He feels guilty. He doesn’t want you, your mum or friends to hate him. This isn’t going to be anything you’ve done, you are just going round and round in circles thinking was it this, or that. I think you are very unlikely to find out the reason- he doesn’t have the common decency to tell you.

Don’t grovel for a reason or beg to start over- you are just going to waste more time could be months, perhaps years. You’ve already said he’s only half heartedly agreed to meeting, I think he’s surprised how upset you are and feels a bit shit about it. He’s a coward.

It’s natural to be upset, you’ve lost a little family and all your plans for the future. But you are still young, you have time. Please don’t waste a moment more on this man thinking ‘what if’.

You are better than this.

Regarding the child OP - this happened to a friend of mine. She was engaged, he had children from a previous marriage who she loved dearly. Once the relationship ended (he cheated and stole from my friend). His ex allowed contact with my friend and the children for a few months after but eventually that contact had to stop. You have to let go- the child isn’t yours and you have no rights. I’m not trying to be cruel, I know your hurting.

I think you should consider counselling, you need to work on yourself and realise your worth.

I’m sorry you’re in pain.

It sounds like the relationship moved very quickly, especially as he has a young child 50/50.

You’re clearly very keen on family life, threw yourself into involvement with his child and wanted to have a baby with him. It gave you purpose and belonging.

There may not be anyone else. It’s as possible that he’s freaking out about you wanting children and him realising it was moving too fast - equally if not more his responsibility that happened - and him not being ready for that or not on your preferred timeframe.

He shouldn’t have moved in with you or given over any parenting stuff to you if he had doubts about the longevity, very unfair on both you and his child who’ll be upset and confused. I know you were attached to them but your bond with them was always solely dependent on your relationship with him and that’s why it’s very risky to love a child as though they’re your own when they’re not your own and at any point you may never see them again.

I hope you get your stuff back quickly - maybe your mum can help so you don’t have to see him - and you can move on from any contact and begin to heal. Seeing him again will be like picking an open wound.

I agree with a lot of this. I think that is part of what’s happened. But I didn’t have a ‘time scale’ as such and if I did, I’d shown that I was willing to wait longer than I ideally would because I knew we couldn’t rush that especially with his existing DC.

If he’s realised it was going too fast, I’d be absolutely willing to slow down and do things differently if we gave it another go.

I know I shouldn’t want that, but I do more than anything.

He might realise it was going too fast and wants to give it another go

Once his other woman gets bored and dumps him

Sorry OP but you are failing to consider the most obvious reason for his sudden change of heart.

You deserve better than this

Listen to previous posters who are recommending that you don't put all your self worth and hope for the future on one man. No one is worth that. Sounds to me like you need to find yourself and stop putting a relationship and having kids as such a huge dominating life goal. Don't want to sound cruel but maybe he has freaked a bit. You are so intense about what you want. If you could chill out about that a bit then maybe you would be able to see he is not all that and the way he's keeping you as an option is cruel.
I think no contact and work on yourself is the way to go. If he wanted what you want he would be going for it. You are going to seriously compromise yourself and prolong your healing if you end up in a together but not together situation. Good luck