I don’t know how to go on - help

[StarsAtElbowsAndFoot]

Regular user but name change wouldn’t work so have created a new account.

Last week my partner announced out of the blue that he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be with me anymore. There were no prior signs of this so it’s totally blindsided me and I just don’t know how to cope.

I’ve always suffered with huge self esteem issues and was convinced I’d never find anyone. He’s the only person who has ever made me feel loved and secure. We were very happy (or so I thought) and settled and had talked about a happy future together. I lived with him. My stuff is still at his. To make matters worse he has a DC who I love like my own so it feels like a double loss. I’ve always wanted DC more than anything in the world (and hoped to have them with him) and I can’t believe that my family unit has gone.

Now he’s gone, I’m back to feeling I’m going to be on my own forever, and without children. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep (and when I do I dream about him so it’s even worse when I wake up) and can’t really go longer than about twenty minutes without crying. I’ve been like this for a week now. He was the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I just can’t stop thinking about all our amazing happy times and the future that I thought I had with them. I feel totally worthless and unlovable and just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been signed off work today.

He is gorgeous, hilariously funny, supportive and a fantastic Dad. We never stopped laughing together, even up to the night before. Everything I’ve ever wanted and I just can’t imagine life without him. All I see now is a future of being on my own.

I went round there the other night so we can talk things through and it just doesn’t make any sense- he says we get on amazingly and he loves spending time with me and he still wants me in his life but that his feelings have changed. We did discuss our relationship and both acknowledged that maybe some parts moved too quickly etc and he’s said he’s not closing the door on us and is considering giving it another shot. This initially made me feel hopeful but I’ve been back to being an utter misery since. I just don’t know how to deal with this grief.

I know someone will suggest this but I really don’t think he’s met anyone else or there’s anyone else involved. I genuinely don’t.

Sorry it’s so long and I’m not sure what I’m even after other than some reassurance that there is happiness ahead somewhere.

Yes OP he does know and he doesn't care. Don't try to attach deep and meaningful emotional struggles to him. Ime men don't work like that. If he wants you, you will know and he will do something about it

As for the long weekend stretching ahead, chat on here on a few threads. Something that helped me was taking myself to a busy Costa or starbucks, getting seated in the corner and just staring into space. I know it sounds weird but it really helped me to just me amongst noise

I've been here. Had my first serious relationship in my 20s and after a year of bring together he turned around and said it wasn't working for him. I was completely devastated. But looking back, I think a huge part of why my devastation was so overwhelming was because it was intrinsically linked to the abandonment that I experienced from my father physically and my mother emotionally. It bought to the surface the feelings of being that unloved child.

@StarsAtElbowsAndFoot does any of this ring true for you? How was the relationship between you and your parents?

Now I can look back and see what happened wity my ex as a blessing. It put me on the path to healing that sad, lonely inner child of mine.

Op please don’t take this as a judgement on you, because most of us have been there and done this.

But often at the beginning of a relationship people seem perfect. A couple want to be together all the time, think the other person is amazing, the other person Has no faults. Everything is perfect and fun and like a movie.

its extremely rare for it to stay in that place. Eventually everyday life sets in. You get used to the person being their. It’s not new and exciting it’s normal and everyday. Which can be great and if it is that’s a long term relationship. But the vast majority of relationships that get to this point and fizzle out.

What you (both of you) have done, is what many of us have done. Jumped in, believed it was forever, so the timeline didn’t matter and assumed this is it forever. Our mind switches to this new future and believes there’s no other possibility. The shock of that being wrong is really hard to deal with.

in the whirl wind you have, both, jumped in and (unfortunately) for him it’s fizzled out. It’s good he told you, because a lot of people wouldn’t speak up and plod along wasting someone’s time.

One thing I think you really need to think about is, that while you also jumped in he had a child to consider that he did not put first. It’s been 18 months and you have lived there since December. But staying over loads before. People moan that MNers always recommend taking things slow when you have kids and this is why. He absolutely should have had you living with him 8 months into the relationship and having you so hands on with his child. This alone, shows he doesn’t make good decisions. Doesn’t even make good decisions when it comes to his child. It really sounds like he just wanted someone to take the pressure off when his son was there. He had feelings for you, really liked you thought you were wonderful AND happy to play mum to his child on weekends.

You may think he is amazing. But I am the mother of children whose dad has done this exact things several times. It’s ended up with our eldest not bothering with him. It’s has a huge emotional impact on the kids.

You may think he was perfect. But from the outside he looks like someone who simply puts himself first.

I don’t think this is the loss you think it is. It feels like that now. But he isn’t a man who would have put any joint kids you had first. I genuinely believe in a year, you will realise you had a lucky escape. I also think he will do this with another woman in the next 2 years.

Why do you love his son like your own? He isn't and never will be. He's wasted your fertilility years don't let him waste any more.

Whereas I totally agree with you that this is what has happened in terms of us jumping into a whirlwind and it being too quick and him obviously deciding I’m not that great after all, I genuinely don’t think he was just expecting someone to help with his kid. He never expected it and was grateful for any help. I suppose I set a precedent early on by being so very hands on and that was then the normality for the relationship but I don’t think he was deliberately looking for that at all. I also don’t think he’ll rush to introduce anyone else now.

Recognising all of the above doesn’t help the pain though. I’m just totally bereft and can’t believe he’s pulled the plug on something that until last week I thought was nothing but totally amazing.

Because I thought we were in a ridiculously happy relationship and I thought he was the one I guess. I’ve always been massively into children anyway, have formed bonds with the kids I’ve nannied for etc so I’m naturally like that with children. And I adore her, regardless of the fact I always knew she wasn’t actually mine.

I’m hugely worried about missing the boat fertility wise. Even if I met someone today (which I absolutely do not want) it’s not like I could just immediately have a baby with him. I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone again but even if I did, you’re talking years before a child.

Could you have some counselling sessions to work through the next few weeks and make decisions that are in your best interests?

Him saying he's not closing the door is at best misguided and cowardly (as he's afraid of feeling responsible for your reaction if he is clear it's over for good) and at worst cruel as it's false hope.

If you go back to 'dating' you'll inevitably end up sleeping with each other and I promise you that is going to make you feel so, so much worse when it doesn't make him want to get back together properly.

You'll think it means things are back to normal and he'll end up still ending and saying 'I told you I didn't know if I wanted to get back together properly'. And it will break your heart all over again.

I've done it before, in my 20s. It hurt ten times more than the original break up and looking back he was cowardly and cruel to allow me to hold onto false hope while sleeping with me but keeping me at arms length. But I'm accountable for my own behaviour and allowing myself to hold onto hope when it was clear it was over.

Healthy relationships don't have this dynamic, I know that now.

It may help you to speak to a professional to help you work through this

I’m hugely worried about missing the boat fertility wise. Even if I met someone today (which I absolutely do not want) it’s not like I could just immediately have a baby with him. I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone again but even if I did, you’re talking years before a child.

You're 31 OP, you do have time. But it is absolutely a priority for you to stop seeing this man immediately if you want children. Because you can easily waste another fertile year on him and be no closer to meeting the father of your children.

I will never love a man more than I want children. Once I realised that I felt liberated. No more rubbish relationships or sunk cost fallacy. I've been lucky and met someone when I was around your age, it's been a calm and healthy relationship and we're TTC. I'm around five years older than you.

Yes, I would like to have met someone earlier and started TTC earlier but I wasted time in my 20s and very early 30s on relationships I was more invested in than the guy.

I wish I hadn't done so but that's life and I'm now feeling secure, happy and relieved I didn't waste any more time waiting for men to be as invested as I was in our relationship.

Please don't waste any more time on him if you want children

Actually, all men don't think with their dicks and only break up with someone when they have another lined up. That's sexist rubbish and I'm not sure it helps the ops self esteem to think shes so easily replaced.

OP, you shouldn't rely on someone else to make you happy or fulfill your life. They should add to it, yes, but not be the sole reason. Think of the pressure that puts on someone. No wonder it may feel out of the blue if they have felt responsible for your happiness and care for you ( and I don't mean that this was a deliberate act by yourself, it sounds like you've felt unloved prior to meeting and then like all your xmases have come at once). And I say this as someone who's been there.

Concentrate on you and making you happy. Show that youre in control of your own life and happiness. Push through the heartbreak and it will happen.

This 100%.

Learn to love yourself. We can't rely on others to make us feel fulfilled and valued, it has to come from ourselves.

Your life isn't ruined just because one coward blindsided you. You'll come to see he did you a favour eventually.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m so sorry it feels worse than bereavement.

I agree with PP that counselling might really help.

In the meantime there are loads of free resources online to help get you out of the viscous cycle of your thoughts and back into breathing and being in your body. Even if they bring you 10 seconds of respite here and there it can be worth it. I’ve pasted a few I’ve used in the past below.

When you feel like this, all you can do is break it down second by second, minute by minute and get through the next one. If you think of it like that, you can manage. You’re already doing amazingly and you’re stronger than you think xxx

Tapping technique

Louise Hay

Deepak Chopra

Headspace

www.headspace.com

Oh OP, I've been there. Mine and my ex's relationship was absolutely amazing (I thought), I loved him with all of my heart and his 3 children. One day he dumped me by text, I felt like I was going to die (very dramatic I know). I not only lost him, but his 3 children who meant the world to me. I was off of work for a long time as we worked together. Once I started healing, I realised he was a complete narcissist. He love bombed me from the get go, planned our future together and then once I was hooked he was emotionally abusive (which I didn't realise at the time). It took me a good year to get over him and it still hurts to think about the pain I was in at the time. But I am now married to the love of my life and I have an amazing DSC. He is keeping you in his back pocket (which is what happened to me, I felt hope for a long time), but he will absolutely continue to break your heart. It's so easy for me to say but you need to cut ties with him and start processing the break up and healing your heart. Sending you lots of love 💕

You describe him as if he is perfect. I can 100% guarantee he isn't. There may come a time sooner or later when you realise you have dodged a bullet.

But if he doesn’t agree to try again then that’s irrelevant obviously- I’ll have to accept that he really has ended the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Why not reframe that as the best thing that's ever happened to me SO FAR.

Your life isn't over even though it might feel like it at this moment.

This absolutely rings true for me. Huge issues of abandonment from childhood mostly connected to my dad have led me to believe that nobody loves me and never will. He was the first person who did. It’s no wonder that losing him is crushing me.

But that’s not to say I put pressure or expectation on him ifyswim. Throughout our relationship I consciously didn’t make him feel pressured by my insecurities or unloved feelings- wouldn’t ask for reassurance that he loved me etc. I genuinely just felt loved for the first time.

Thank you for this. I hugely appreciate your words and they give me some hope. It’s just so hard when it’s all I want and everyone around me is so happily settled.

I am having counselling- I can access four sessions through work. I’d actually already had one before this happened and have another lined up on Monday.

It just feels so very hopeless and bleak.

Thank you so much for this.

I’ve got a counselling session arranged for Monday. I’ll have a look at those links.

It really does feel worse than bereavement. I feel like I’ve lost my happy future and I’ve got no hope.

It isn’t dramatic because that’s what it does feel like. I’m not suicidal and I won’t harm myself but I wish I could switch off the pain and I just genuinely don’t know how to go on. It’s the worst pain I’ve felt. I love him so much.

Thank you for your story. Gives me some hope.

Thanks for this. I’m trying to think positively but it feels very bleak. It took me 30 years to find anyone so even just for logical reasons I’m unlikely to find anyone else. It’s not like I have another 30 years to spare looking.

It took me 30 years to find anyone so even just for logical reasons I’m unlikely to find anyone else. It’s not like I have another 30 years to spare looking.
Get used to it. Build your own life. Don't have a relationship until you are able to be an independent person.

You're still the same person as you were before you met him, and as you were with him, and you can live without him.

Narcs swoop in on people with low self-esteem, so build up your self-esteem before you enter another relationship.

It feels all so bleak because you've just been informed out of nowhere that your relationship is over. The proverbial rug has been pulled out from under your feet. It has been such a shock you've lost perspective and that's totally normal. It really is.

And if you think about it, it isn't logical to think it will take you another 30 years because it didn't take you 30 years to find your partner, did it? Not unless you started looking at the grand old age of two and even then it would only have been 28 years!

That is why it is so easy to kid ourselves that it's all over and we're going to be a lost cause and we've failed somehow. We haven't - we're just facing a different looking future and we don't know the shape of that future yet. Our fears see an opportunity to crowd in and dominate that 'unknown' in the early days whilst our sense of perspective takes a leave of absence.

Don't kid yourself that you don't have time and don't forget to take care of yourself either.

Oh op, you sound bereft.
I don't agree with a lot of these comments.
I hope you're feeling better soon x

I’m utterly devastated. Never felt pain like it.

Which comments do you not agree with?

Thank you for your kindness

Thank you. That’s it- the rug has been totally pulled from underneath my feet. I came from work that day thinking we’d snuggle up on the sofa to watch TV and go to bed as normal and then he turned my whole world upside down.

It’s so very painful. I’m trying my best to look after myself but I’m spending my days consumed with grief and don’t know what to do with myself.

I’m meant to be going there to get my stuff tomorrow or Monday (he’s away) and I honestly don’t think I can do it. I can’t imagine going there and removing all traces of myself. It just feels so hideously final.