I don’t know how to go on - help

[StarsAtElbowsAndFoot]

Regular user but name change wouldn’t work so have created a new account.

Last week my partner announced out of the blue that he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be with me anymore. There were no prior signs of this so it’s totally blindsided me and I just don’t know how to cope.

I’ve always suffered with huge self esteem issues and was convinced I’d never find anyone. He’s the only person who has ever made me feel loved and secure. We were very happy (or so I thought) and settled and had talked about a happy future together. I lived with him. My stuff is still at his. To make matters worse he has a DC who I love like my own so it feels like a double loss. I’ve always wanted DC more than anything in the world (and hoped to have them with him) and I can’t believe that my family unit has gone.

Now he’s gone, I’m back to feeling I’m going to be on my own forever, and without children. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep (and when I do I dream about him so it’s even worse when I wake up) and can’t really go longer than about twenty minutes without crying. I’ve been like this for a week now. He was the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I just can’t stop thinking about all our amazing happy times and the future that I thought I had with them. I feel totally worthless and unlovable and just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been signed off work today.

He is gorgeous, hilariously funny, supportive and a fantastic Dad. We never stopped laughing together, even up to the night before. Everything I’ve ever wanted and I just can’t imagine life without him. All I see now is a future of being on my own.

I went round there the other night so we can talk things through and it just doesn’t make any sense- he says we get on amazingly and he loves spending time with me and he still wants me in his life but that his feelings have changed. We did discuss our relationship and both acknowledged that maybe some parts moved too quickly etc and he’s said he’s not closing the door on us and is considering giving it another shot. This initially made me feel hopeful but I’ve been back to being an utter misery since. I just don’t know how to deal with this grief.

I know someone will suggest this but I really don’t think he’s met anyone else or there’s anyone else involved. I genuinely don’t.

Sorry it’s so long and I’m not sure what I’m even after other than some reassurance that there is happiness ahead somewhere.

I absolutely am intense about what I want, I can’t argue with you there. But I made a conscious effort not to be intense about it with him if that makes sense. Deliberately didn’t go on about wanting kids or to settle down. For the very reason that I didn’t want to put him off.

But that is what I’m beating myself up about, that he’s ‘freaked’ and it’s all my fault and now I’ve lost them.

Sorry but if this is out of the blue then he's an absolute moron. You need to break down the facts. xx

Its really difficult to see people for who they really are when feelings are involved.
I wouldn' t beat yourself up further by pondering on what you may have done wrong, you haven' t done anything wrong, some men just haven' t got what it takes to comitt to a long term relationship, and/or they fall in love quickly and out of love even quicker.
He has lost something incredibly unique and beautiful as in you, remember that. You are the prize here, not him. Value yourself by going absolutely zero contact, do not be available, he has lost that benefit. Do not allow him to drip feed with vague hopes of reconnecting. Get on with your life is the best thing to do. It is hard weaning yourself off someone but have faith you will move on to better things, my heart has been broken many times and at the time it felt like the end of the world,.occasionally l may see one of them out and about and l can tell you this for sure, the universe was definately looking out for me, l just couldn't see it at the time.

Sounds like he has a mental illness tbh. I'm not joking. Sociopath? Multiple personality disorder? What kind of a freak does that?

and that’s why it’s very risky to love a child as though they’re your own when they’re not your own and at any point you may never see them again.

This is something you have no control over. They steal your heart before you even realise it.

No, no mental illness. Incredibly confident and sure in himself. Hugely popular and massively successful career. Everyone (including me) thought I’d won the jackpot with him.

Can’t believe he’s done this to me.

We can all feel the pain in the words you have written. Many of us know how bereft and in agony you are right now. We have been there too. My heart goes out to you.
When your head becomes clearer try to block all contact. Try to stick to no contact whatsoever. Its so difficult but it will help you to stay on the right path to recovery. You are still young and have lots of time left to have a family. You thought he was the one but sadly he wasn't. Life can be very cruel.

Sounds very much like he has someone else lined up. You are not going to be alone forever. He has shown you who he is. Pay attention. You deserve better. You will find that. You're not too old. There will be a time where you look back and realize this wasn't right for you. It's hard but it's going to be ok, I promise.

You need to find your anger. This isn't anything you have done. This is all him.

He doesn't deserve you.

OP it is heart breaking what you are going through but I think you need to focus on yourself now to heal and move on.

He wasn't being honest with you about his feelings. If he truly cared about you, he would have consulted his doubts when they arised and tried to talk to you about them to find the way forward with you. Instead, he pretended everything was OK, then blindsided you overnight and delivered the final blow when you least expected.

I won't ever do that to someone I love.

I hope you find your peace and happiness, good luck. You are stronger than you think you are.

Thank you so much everyone- really appreciate every message.

It just hurts so very much. Whenever I’m alone I just burst into tears at intervals and can’t stop thinking about everything we had planned and what I thought was my/our future.

I genuinely can’t believe he’s done this to me.

Sorry for being weak and pathetic. I just don’t know how I’m meant to cope.

Hmmm, funny now that you've said that I'm thinking even more that he's psychopathic/sociopathic! They can be very charming you know and many are successful. I mean he'd have to be a little bit that way, who does that?! Completely out of the blue like that. Seriously girl, the boy ain't right 😄 x

Bless you sweetheart.
Heartbreak is the worst, most of us have experienced it, it's really tough.

I wonder if he ever really considered this a serious relationship? You say that you've moved in very quickly and with his child, that seems a little strange as ideally you would be really sure about someone before they moved into your family home.
You mention you still have your own home, this also a sign maybe he didn't think you had moved in permanently.

I would say, whatever his reasons, in the two serious relationships I've gone back to them after we've finished, we got back together to deal the pain, but it ended up being way more painful to try and to fail again. Plus it was a big waste of time, energy and emotions.

Heal the pain not deal the pain!

There are worse things than not being in a relationship. I know it feels like you will be alone forever but I'll bet you that is no where near to the truth. That is your fear talking. I'm an old lady now but I have been in your place. I desperately wanted children. I didn't get married until I was 34. I went on to have 5 in 4 1/2 years. I married a wonderful, loving, kind man who is a wonderful father. You have no idea what is on your horizon, but you should be leaving him in your past.

Of course you have control of it. I’ve been a step mum for years, I’ve known them since they were very young, far more of their lives than not, and we’re very close. My daughter is their half sibling. For many years if we’d divorced or DH had died I’d probably never have been able to see them again. No matter how much I love them that’s a fact.

Letting yourself adore and love a child “like you’re own” when you’ve only been with their father 18 months and presumably have only known the child a year or less is putting yourself at risk of huge upset. That child has two parents, at best you’re a bonus adult in their lives who cares for them.

I’m not having a go at the OP at all but we’re all adults who are making choices and have to take responsibility for our actions and reactions and emotions. Relationships end every day and it’s an added heartache when there are children involved.

I think he absolutely did think it was serious at first. We just couldn’t get enough of each other. But as I say, possibly we should have paused and been more cautious. I’m trying not to blame myself for that as obviously that was on him as well. But it’s so hard.

I’d bought my house a week before I met him. We’d been planning to rent it out as I was living with him. But it was (and still is) having renovations which means not only has he ended it but he also knows I haven’t got a decently habitable house to live in.

I know I sound so weak but I just feel so broken.

I really appreciate this post. It just feels so hopeless. I’ve always wanted kids more than anything (and I promise I didn’t put pressure on him or anything.)

Every time I go on social media, someone else is pregnant or has had a baby. And even if I met someone tomorrow (not that I want anyone but my partner in my life so they won’t be happening) it’s not like we could instantly get married and have a baby anyway.

These are separate issues to the break up of course. I absolutely would have waited until it was right with DP. But this is why I’m feeling so very hopeless now I guess.

Thanks again for your positive story.

You don’t need a partner to have DC! I know someone who used a donor and is amazingly happy with her son as a family unit. Sounds like you would have your mum as support too? I also know someone who go adopted on her own at 50. Don’t rely on someone else to give you your dream! And who knows you may meet someone amazing when you least expect it.

I’d also take up his offer to help pay for renovations as long as there were no legal issues like having to repay it etc. Then I’d say ‘bye’

I’m just so broken. Normally on a Saturday morning we’d have had a lazy start and then headed out to the park or similar as a three. Instead I’m lying here sobbing with a whole weekend of nothing stretched out in front of me.

I can’t believe what he’s throwing away.

This is a terrible idea, it keeps you connected and hanging on. Make a clean break

I'm sorry but HE knows what he's throwing away, and he is still throwing it away.

I hope you soon find your anger towards him for the shitty way he's treated you.

I agree that there's someone else's knickers that he'd like to get into.
If it doesn't pan out with her - he might take you back.
Read Chumplady. Don't do the pick me dance.
I would cut contact, block, delete and leave him to it.

He did well - he got a number of years service out of you.
He can fuck off for himself.

He does but I suppose if he’s throwing it away because he doesn’t want it and he doesn’t think it’s that great, then as much as that kills me, it won’t be really bothering him will it.