He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Listen to your red flags shrieking. This will not lead to happiness - especially as his reason for moving in is financial. Just no.

Fucking hell, please listen to your gut. The fact that he is putting so much pressure on you when you've only been together 18 months is very, very alarming. Him moving in is not what's best for your children and you know it. Say NO, no further discussion, and if he breaks up with you, so be it.

You have my sympathy op, but it appears to be a deal breaker for your relationship. Have you explained it’s not necessarily his kids, it’s the chaos of 7 people living in a house that scares you? It’s not kids per se, as going from 3 to 7 without having concerns wouldn’t be normal either. Have you tried weekends in the same house or holidays? I’d have to trial it personally. Plus your 2 kids might find it overwhelming too. Blending a family is hard work, teenagers boundaries are notoriously non existent (even if they are good kids they are selfish buggers and forget) . No help really just sympathy for a tough choice and hope someone with experience comes along with advice

Why can't he see that it's the thought of teenagers not his teenagers that is making you not want to live together. I wouldn't want to live with 3 older teens that weren't mine either.

I would have one more conversation and explain it's not his teenagers, it's teenagers plus yours that are smaller, stress it's not personal and that you're really happy the way things are atm. I doubt when yours are that age and his have left he'll want to live with yours either!

That's very selfish of him to say that - you've got your children to consider, his are almost adults. If it's all or nothing for him I'd take nothing.
Tell him you love him dearly but you're not ready to move in, maybe in a few years - if that's a no then fine, his loss over being selfish

No, no, no. Stay in separate houses and date.
If he threatens to end it because he’s not got his way, you’ve dodged a bullet.

Put your own children first.

No no no. You really don’t want to and to inflict this on your own children will be nightmarish. You know this in your heart and your gut. He is pushing because it suits HIM and he isn’t acknowledging your fears at all. Probably because he knows you’re right. But the pushing and threats to end it all are pure manipulation. You could suggest to him that you stay as you are, and if his only reason is the cost of living crisis, I’d say that is not a good reason to move in. ‘I want to move my 3 noisy teenagers in to your house because it’s cheaper’ . Not very appealing really is it?
Stick to your guns and keep your peaceful home a safe haven for YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN! It’ll hurt if he does walk away, but then he didn’t really love you if he does. All the sacrifices to be made are by you and your kids.

I live this exact situation including the 17 year old with autism and questionable hygiene. It's hard . We've lived together for 5 years now so I remember his younger 2 before they became horrible teens so we generally get on well. But I do not have a great relationship with his eldest as there is no break and he literally never goes out.

My 2 get on with his kids great but again it's almost all they've known so slightly different than you.

There are many couples who manage to live separately and I'd fully recommended that .

If you've got a big enough house to give all those children their own bedroom...

No wonder he wants to get his feet under the table. Big house, possibly good income, new mum/cook/cleaner for his kids - can't see a downside for him.

And he's threatening to end things if you don't pretty much give him and his kids your home.

Do
Not
Do
It

Fuck that no.

That is a cocklodger that comes with 3 extra free.

Keep it light. Maintain separate households until your youngest is at least 16. They are too young to be plunged into a blended family that chaotic and complicated. If you do consider moving in together then, there needs to be a serious discussion on how that does not mean that anyone's burden of housework increases. It should be that everyone's burden goes down, including yours. If yours would go up then don't do it.

Listen to your gut.
My youngest is 15 so I know what teens can be like but I would not be jumping into living with 3 more.
He is not unreasonable to want to blend but I'm like you and would prefer a relationship where we lived with our kids in different houses because it would make life simpler for all. (I'm assuming that you live relatively near each other )

No no no no no no no no no....

No, just no. And if he walks because you don't want to completely change your life, then he's not the one.

It's all upsides for him isn't it, while you get the downsides. Don't let him guilt you into doing something you know isn't in your or your kids' best interests.

Absolutely not.

Too chaotic.

His only reason is financial, it suits him but not you.

He's making it personal by saying you don't want to live with his kids, he's deliberately missing the point.

It would be a no from me.

In your shoes I absolutely would not let this happen.

I know the possibility of losing the relationship is hard and upsetting, but you clearly don't want this and you must not compromise on that.

Secondly, 18 months is still way too early to blend families in my humble opinion and as another poster said there are very clear financial advantages for him no upside for you.

Another BIG FAT NO!

so basically if you don’t make his life easier and cheaper, he’ll break up with you?

sounds like a great start

imagine what it’ll be next
if you don’t pay x amount, or do x thing then he’ll see no future
you’ll cave
and if you don’t support his new found hobby that he spends all his time on whilst you’re with his kids then you don’t support him and he’ll see no future

and on and on it goes

Don't do it. He knew you weren't into it. But ramped up the pressure anyway.

He wants to move in because it will save him money. Hence ramping up the pressure. He isn't bothered about the impact on you or your kids.

And now instead of understanding that you might need more time, it's now or never. Why does it have to be now or never? Because it suits him. That's why.

18 months isn't even that long. Why can't he wait until his are all older and some moved out?

He is rushing you for his own benefit. Not yours. That's not his concern

Unless you have truly saintly qualities OP, you'll fall apart very quickly and then what happens? I wouldn't risk it and he's got a cheek pushing.

I'd wait until his children are older before even thinking of living together.

There are zero benefits to you and your children of him and his three kids moving into your house. Why on earth would you do it?

His bullying and emotional manipulation is a really bad sign too. He's not the kind gentle soul you think he is.