He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

please don’t post another thread in one year:

“my boyfriend and his kids moved in. he then left his job to concentrate on being the main carer for his kids. We have no money and the kids hate eachotjer. He can’t move out with the kids because he has nowhere to go. I’m going to have to get a third job because his kids eat all the food. He said if I ask him to contribute he sees no future”

tbh your guy sounds like he’s looking for a handout and that should be unattractive enough

Just as a matter of interest when he met you did he know about your big house? Big enough to house his family?

He's been mentioning this for months? When did he meet your kids?

When he comes over does he pay his way and contribute at all? The fact you're even assuming it's going to mean 4x the washing cooking etc says to me his attitude is that you'll be doing all the work.

Honestly so many things wrong with this. But you've had lots of really good ways to have this conversation

But anyone bringing you to tears and then saying well it's make or break if I don't get my own way isn't saying catch to me.

It honestly reads as someone who thought they'd found their meal ticket

No to weekends!

It feels like you are agreeing to think about weekends out of guilt, don’t do it! As soon as you start it will increase, just one more night a week, what difference does a Sunday night make etc etc. if you’re not ready then you’re not ready. Don’t make exceptions to keep someone quiet or happy.

Has anyone even asked how the kids feel about the idea? Also as everyone else has said, 18 months is nothing!!

Nooooo! Blended family horror!

There’s no need to live together. None at all. He can stay at yours, you at his. The kids don’t need to share a home ffs. Why would you bother?

There is something in this for him…not you and certainly none of the kids.

I saw someone similar to this. I’m mortgage free, him renting with two younger kids. Mine were teenagers. Kept saying how fab it would be for him to move in and how I could buy any clothes I wanted.

Errr no. He was a gambler with a nightmare ex. Dumped him not long after.

At 18 months you don't really know him. You both have busy lives and spend time together usually with children around. So it's very difficult to see the real man. It does seem like he thinks you will house and feed him and his children with very little, if any contribution from him. This situation would ONLY benefit him. You would

1. lose your peaceful workspace
2. Your children would have their safe haven invaded by older, overpowering teenagers. They may never forgive you if you ruin their home life. It may be that they forever think you put your need to keep your boyfriend before their happiness.

3 Money. You will see a massive increase in food, water, heating, cleaning, cooking, washing.

The fact he threatened to split saying he sees no future means he is manipulating you to get what he wants. You need to be strong now and not be railroaded into a situation you don't want. His children and his money worries are not your problems to solve. Your problem to solve is how to keep you and your children safe and happy. And you won't do that by adding a load of teenagers and a selfish man to your homelife. Your children are entering a formative time in their lives. Your actions will shape their lives.

Stick to your guns, keep your children's happiness at the forefront. Listen to your subconscious telling you it's not a good idea.

Big fat no! It’s just me and my dd, I absolutely hate to add 3 teenagers to our living situation. I love my alone time too when she goes to her dads. I’d find that unbearable.

As a mum of 3 the thought of having another 3 kids/teanagers day to day care for absolutely terrifies me. The work load, cleaning, noise etc will be unreal. Has your partner thought about how this move will impact on his kids particularly his autistic child. My eldest is autistic and I can only imagine how detrimental something like that would be for him.

God almighty he's being so selfish pressuring you!! You've been together a very short time really and you have two young children to focus on.
my DP just moved in after a LONG time and I and my DS are overwhelmed by having his kids here the odd day or overnight let alone having them live here all the time. It's not how I want to live - I only have one child and that was a definite choice whereas he has 3. Mine is 14 and independent, his are young, noisy and messy (in a perfectly normal way!)
honestly if he had his full time I wouldn't have agreed to live with him. It's not fair on any of the kids really.

also do your kids want him and his offspring to move in? Have you asked them?

I’d have heard enough to have offloaded him before it got to this point.

How dare he suggest taking your children’s home - their safe space with their Mum - away from them.

He’s grooming you.

So basically if you don’t make his life easier and cheaper, he’ll break up with you?

This sentence has nailed it.

I have been that parent of a few teenagers, including one with autism - moving in together could be the worst thing for the child with autism - more people in their personal space could be rather distressing.

I used to dream of having enough money to buy a 2nd house and for my child with autism to have their own house with just 1 parent living there - would have made their life and their sibling's life so much easier. Their mental health would have improved with the space.

No.

Four people in a four bedroom house is actually quite cramped in itself when you think that it’s handy to have a study/guest room/tv room upstairs.

Ideally, you want two rooms per person to prevent feeling claustrophobic. Few of us have that luxury.

You’re essentially signing up to cramped living quarters, way more disagreements and a tonne more wifely and motherly duties.

Good try on his behalf!
If you go ahead, he’ll probably sit gaming with his children and ask what you’ll cooking for him with the rest of them.

Do not do it.

He is laying it on thick to make you feel guilty.

Tell him that you will be too exhausted for anything pleasurable and you need your own space to be as loving as he currently enjoys seeing you.

Also, how do you know that his children won’t harass your children without your knowledge, when you’re not around?

“The thought of x4 more washing,”

This jumped out at me. Is expecting his family to move in, and then you get burdened with the ‘wife work’ - cooking, cleaning, sorting out the school run etc.

You’ve been together for 18 months ‘and for months and months’ he’s been pushing living together. Why the rush? Does he rent and want to save money by living at yours? Does he want you to look after him and dc? Who owns your house? Also, do you have room for all the extra people?

it sounds like you’ve got your life on an even keel at the moment. Him threatening to split when you don’t conform is too much. Listen to your gut - don’t let him move in.

When he has to spend nights away from me he states that his house doesn't feel like a home

Emotional blackmail op. Wake up from your infatuation and face reality.
Your own children should be your priority, not his.

Curious to know how you met. Did he love bomb you?

Someone said about him being the type to want his name on the deeds.

I would bet my own house that he would be asking for that within 6 months of living together saying that he felt insecure living in your home and would want it to be both of yours - for his kids obviously 🙄

and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children,

So what if you don't?

He seems to spend time enough away from them!

If he cared enough he'd accept it & carry on as you are.

I always say if in doubt then don't. It's a simple rule.
You should always put your children first.

Don't do it. It's fine to want a relationship on certain terms. You're being honest about it. You want different things, it's nobody's fault.

1. You don't want to do it
2. You don't think its a good idea for your children
3. His teenagers are hard work
4. You've only been together 18 months
5. He's putting a huge amount of pressure on you and making ultimatums to get what he wants
6. The cost of living is driving this too much
7. You have an autistic lad at the centre of this who needs additional attention
8. You already are talking as if you think the household stuff will fall to you.

What benefits are there to this to you and your children.

Don't do it.

I think the rush is is that we are very much in love, probably still that infatuation stage, but we hate being away from eachother.

infatuation isn’t live though, it’s attraction and lust and care all mixed in together - neither of you are teenagers, you both have children to consider and he doesn’t seem to be thinking of that. How does he see a blended household working in terms of finances, space, chores, cooking etc. If you’ve been talking about it for months and months he’ll surely have some answers to those questions?

Where would you find time for each other in a household with 5 children, three of whom are teenagers? I’d be sticking to my guns clearly. If he does love you he’ll consider your needs and the needs of your children. If he does love you he’ll accept you’re not ready - which is reasonable given it’s a reasonably new relationship.

Jesus, don’t do it. The house will feel overcrowded, you won’t be able to work from
home, and you and you children will be outnumbered in your own house. You will be dominated by them.

I’m not surprised he laid the groundwork before the financial crisis. He saw a good thing with you, and he’s pushing it now not for your benefit but for his. Don’t think you won’t end up hearing the financial burden for the lot of them either, because you will. Your own kids are also likely to quickly become resentful so you run the risk of damaging your relationship with them.

He doesn’t respect you, and he’s trying to force his way by threatening to dump you. That isn’t what you do if you love someone. If the relationship does end the it’s better it does now, than it ending when you’re stuck living together. I doubt they would leave easily or quietly.

The things he’s saying and the way he’s going about this makes him sounds like a scammer. The benefits would be entirely for him (not even his children) and he is pushing and pushing, then heightening the whole thing with ultimatums, when he knows you are infatuated with him.

This is NOT what a good relationship looks like. It’s not how a real partnership works. He’s not showing you and your children any respect.

Please trust your instincts, and say a flat no. Tell him the subject is closed, because I suspect he will just keep piling on the pressure and guilt and corny lines relentlessly unless you close this down and mean it.

I would kick his manipulative arse to the kerb - bull shitting cocklodging cunt that he is. Look on the Step parenting board - see how many manipulative men use the "you dont like my children " to guilt their poor wives into doing more of the work and exhausting themselves to the detriment of their own DC. No one falls in love faster than a man looking for somewhere to live (and a woman to skivvy for him). He probably will dump you when he realises you are not going to be his meal ticket, he will rush off to find another woman with a big house. Get rid of him first - he has shown you who he is.

It's wrong for your kids, just before adolescence. They have a happy home of 3. Changing it to a chaotic home of 7 would really badly impact them. However you run it, 7 people with such varying needs will be chaotic. Your dc will have less of your time. Their peace will be lost. Their home will be very different.

He is being a total and utter bastard - he is basically saying fuckit to the needs of your children. And to compound that, he is essentially threatening to dump you, by saying he can't see a future, if you don't agree.

I saw a supernanny episode where a mum had 2 dc of about 8 and 10. The three of them were blissfully happy. There was then a blended situation with a man, his dd from a previous relationship and then they had another 2 kids in the new marriage. 7 people. The two original dc of the mum were withdrawn, angry, engaging in risky behaviour and so seriously unhappy. The mum had no time for them and the eldest in particular wished her mum dead for what had happened. Seriously. Do not do it to your kids. Your instincts are right. Your boyfriend is selfish. And if he says he can't see a future again, say OK we are over then. And mean it.