He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It worries me that he leaves his 16 year old regularly 5 days a week. Even if the 19 year old is there… he’s completely abandoned all responsibility. You can’t think that’s good parenting?

Also at the moment it’s just him, you and your kids who presumably go to bed early. If they all move in it’s not going to be such a cozy love nest when it’s you, him and his 3 teenagers snuggled up on the sofa in the evenings.

The place where his kids live with him doesn't feel like home when you aren't there?

Op you are talking and believing his talk like you are a teenager.

I don't think you realise that moving into a large house where you already do3mt worry about bills is a huge financial in entire for him. Making his life easier is something g he has been pushing for. You don't think all the
'Doesn't feel like home if you aren't there' talk is part of him pushing?

How long were you single before you met him? You sound quite emotionally vulnerable falling for a man with his own agenda

This.

Should you bow to pressure or run screaming? The latter.

Is it likely that your young children will have their lives improved by having older teens and your partner move in? No.

I know it is unrealistic for the vast majority, but I'd guess that in an ideal world there'd be a hell of a lot of people who have lived together for years who would be a happier couple if they could afford to buy the house next door and live separately!

Do NOT do it!! Money should never be a reason for blending families. I have been with my DP for 4 years, and spend 9 out of 14 nights together whenever he doesn’t have his kids, but we will never live together, or at least not until the children are all grown up. And he knows it is “because of his kids”. Not because I don’t like them, but I just don’t want us all living together. That is a good enough excuse. I DON’T WANT TO. Should be all you need to say. If he thinks that means you have no future then more fool him. My relationship with my DP is so incredible because we don’t all live together

Are you really well off OP? A lot btter off than he is? How did you two meet? I'm getting cocklodger vibes.

Please don't do this to your children.

This isn't relevant to your issue, but I am really curious to know how you live in a house that can immediately house 3 extra teenagers. Do you live in a 6 bedroom house currently with 3 spare rooms?

He’s only after the cheap rent and free childcare

this is an absolute non starter AND he’s trying to guilt trip you into this.

say no, mean no and actually take charge and end the relationship

he’s not in this because he loves you. He’s in this to cock lodge.

All of this^

Wake up and smell the coffee. He may love you, but he's also VERY keen on what he can get out of you.

Northernsoulover yes, some people can have long term relationships in separate houses, and I have had more than 1 set of friends who have lived like that, but in this particular case, if he wants to live together and she doesn't, then ultimately long term, there might be no future in it, if he really wants to live with someone. Like I said, for some of my friends it worked and for some it didn't.

In one case the male ended it because the woman wouldn't move in with him and his DC. That was entirely his prerogative and didn't make him a bully, they just weren't compatible together.

I have other friends who each had DC living with them and they lived apart until all the DC had moved out, so around 10 years before they moved in together.

So, he currently spends five nights a fortnight at your house. How does that work financially? Does he do a food shop for the household, or contribute to a food shop? Does he offer anything to cover the increased use in electricity and water? Does he tidy up/cook/clean without being asked. If he can let you pay his way without any sign of discomfort or wanting to pull his weight somehow, then it will be the same only more expensive and more work for you if the all move in.

Plus, given that he's emotionally manipulative, it would be an absolute nightmare trying to get him out again if it didn't work out for you.

18 months is still not an established relationship, especially with children in the mix.

What is his housing situation? Does he own or rent?

You stay with each other 4-5 nights a week so his motivation isn't more time with you it must be to make his life easier...whilst absolutely knowing it would make your life harder.

Ex H pushed for us to live together and once commitment was there, in the form of finances his behaviour changed although in hindsight I should have seen he was always driven by his self interest.

I wouldn't trust a man who is making your relationship conditional on living together. He is prepared to walk away because sharing finances is MORE important than you as a person. His love for you can't be that real if he would put living together as number 1 priority.

Don't assume your motivations are the same as his. 18 months in you really won't know him.

If you're both so very much in love, how does that fit with him theeatening to dump you if you don't let him move in immediately?

If you let this happen the 17yr old will be there forever.

Does your fella own or rent his place? Do his kids have their own rooms there? Would they at yours?

I would just say a flat no. Why would you want to take on the burden of his three nearly full grown children? When you could easily just wait a few years and avoid all the hassle for everyone? The status quo works for you so keep it. The fact he is pushing to move all of them in is really quite worrying

Also remember that lots of teenagers are living at home for much longer now, moving back in after uni, wanting to move partners in, etc so this could be your future for decades!

So much good advice on here already.

Definitely get your points written and do not deviate. There are completely valid reasons why you feel like you don't want to move in together

Particularly 18 months is not a long time and your DC are your top priority

No. It's not his children as individuals. It's actually becoming a house of five adults (within 12 months) and your two younger DC. That is a massive and unlikely to be successful step.

Thing is, it was ALWAYS on his agenda. All the bs and wringing of hands about his home… this is not infatuation, this is love bombing and he’s faking it to get what he wants.

end it today. He has absolutely zero interest in your welfare and much less your kids.

It sounds as though his reasons for living together are a) financial; and b) someone to do the housework & childcare.

So he wants to move in with his kids, but has he mentioned how much he is proposing to contribute in terms of bill paying and household chores? I’m guessing no.

I’m getting cocklodger vibes too! He sounds the type to ask for his name on the deeds!!

I’d be concerned that you have been together 18 months and he has been saying for months and months that you should live together, this seems very fast. Also how does he think you will be able to work from home with all this going on?

No way let him move in. As you have said, he's worried about cost of living.
If his desire to move in was purely to blend the families and liver harmoniously, rather than the motive being making things easier for him in a pecuniary sense, then he wouldn't be getting arsey with you and, effectively, giving you an ultimatum.
There's no bloody way I'd be 'blending families' after 18 short months, anwyay.

Just say no, you are not going to have him and his teens move in with you. It won't work for you.

Either, he likes you enough to accept that and continue the status quo.

If he doesn't , he's a leech who'se been grooming you to be his skivvy housekeeper with sex, running his chaotic household for him and picking up the bills.

I’ve been with my partner for 15 years, we have 3 children together, and he lives about as far south in England as you can get while I’m up north. My house is basically a base while he works away, he’s home 6 days a month. I’m happy, he’s happy and the kids are happy. As much as I love him I couldn’t permanently have even my actual partner and father of my kids living in my house, it would drive me mad, let alone a man with 3 children who aren’t mine. You don’t need to live together for the relationship to be successful

The house he shares with his children doesn’t feel like home?

Why is that? Aren't you worried about that comment?