He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

He doesn't love you, really. If he cared about your interests and not his he wouldn't be emotionally blackmailing you. He would be trying to understand your concerns about living together and see if they are fixable but if the concerns aren't fixable he would respect your position and feelings and leave things as they are.

18 months is not that long.

Please listen to your instinct and do not merge houses.

The response is that he is being completely unfair. You have your children to consider, and you have your relationship with him to consider. Both will suffer.

Frankly, I’d feel a bit used if one of his main motivators was money.

Oh good grief no just now reading that scenio is hell on earth. It’s you who would end up doing most it I can see that a mile off. (Posts in a years time exhausted seven of now no privacy no space no money) let him go if he carries on. Sorry to be so blunt.

The thought fills me with dread.

So absolutely not. Your boundaries, routines and life management don’t get shat all over just because of his cost of living crisis.

Stick to your guns OP and if he’s arsey or huffy about your very valid reasons I’d rethink the relationship.

Wow thank you everyone. I was being made to feel like I was being selfish, with him saying he would happily live with my children and does spend the majority of time here when he can. (His DS17 goes to stay with his mum for 5 nights every other week and he basically lives here in that time as the other two are self sufficient)

I was guilty of being open to the idea when we first got together (love sick stage) but the reality is daunting.

I like the idea of weekends to test waters.

Absolutely do not do it. You will live to regret it.

I moved in with my husband on the basis of his eldest being about to go to uni so I knew having two of his kids in my house was only temporary. But even then it hasn't been plain sailing.

Don’t do it. Your gut is screaming at you for a reason (probably more than one).

He’s not a good man.

I wouldn't and frankly his attitude towards your children is very questionable. He's pushing his own agenda onto you for his benefit. Veiled thinly as you don't care.

But you do care, and must put the needs of your own children first and yours! If he decides to walk away, that's because he's looking for a wife to do all the things he doesn't want to do.

I would suggest talking about it again when all of his children are living independent lives.. see what his reaction is. I can almost certainly guarantee that his answer will be , but I don't want to live with your kids when mine have left.

No no no. I am sceptical about his parenting if he is often at yours for that long - occasionally fine, or if dc are away, but often? And why would he risk destabilising his kids at a crucial developmental stage and when they are almost adults.

so basically if you don’t make his life easier and cheaper, he’ll break up with you?

Yep. His reasons for wanting to move into your house are purely financial. You and your children are secondary, and he's quite happy to dump you for not cooperating.

Honestly, he's no loss.

Weekends doesn't really test the water, though. They would still guests and not like they would be in their own home- and would they even want to spend weekends at their dads girlfriends so he can convince her to all live together.

It also doesn't address the huge red flags that you seem to be ignoring

Say to him: there are lots of reasons I'm worried about this. It's NOT as simple as saying I don't want to live with your children.

Here are some of them:

18 months isn't very long - it's still relatively early days in this relationship and I don't want to rush things and regret it.

My children are my absolute priority - I'm concerned about the impact of this plan on them. If they end up feeling negative about living in a blended family then I will feel incredibly guilty.

I'm worried about the impact on my career. I wfh and I'm worried I won't be able to be as effective in the new set up which could jeopardise my job.

If we leap into blending and it doesn't work out for some reason then it will be really hard to pedal backwards.

I'm concerned that you are putting pressure on me to do something I'm not ready to do. You don't seem to be listening to me and that makes me doubt our relationship. I hate saying this but it's true.

Don't do it!! Just no.

Perhaps state you'd consider living together after his youngest turns 18.

It is perfectly reasonable to not want to take this situation on!

There's no reason you have to live together to have a relationship. None.

What do his kids and yours think about the suggestion? I'm guessing his child with autism may struggle especially with the idea (he sounds like my eldest).

Blended families are HARD.
Being part of a blended family is not something I'd repeat. I'm all for couples dating and living apart and have friends who do this successfully.

I can see his point that there is no future longterm if you won't live with him BUT, the timing is not right for you at the moment. Your children a a lot younger than his.
If you left it a couple more years then maybe a couple of his might have moved out/gone to uni etc, and life would be a bit easier.

As it stands, he would get all the benefits, moving into your house to save money, and you would have probably more workload, more stress, and less time for your DC.

It is time for the serious talk, you need to state that you love him and want to live with him in the future, but the timing is just not right at the moment for your DC.
You need to make it clear that you love his DC , it is not about them, but about the whole bigger picture, and that one day it will feel right, but that's not right now.

If he wants to be with you he will wait until the time is right, if he won't wait then he does need to move on.
But if you feel like this and let him move in, it won't end well anyway, so at least this way, you will have less stress to deal with.

It has only been 18 months, which really isn't a huge amount of time, and "to save money" should not be the main reason for living together.
Good luck OP.

I don't see that he is a bully, I have had friends in similar situations, some worked out, some moved on. I do recall one who insisted that they would never live with the other one's DC, and they did split up which was inevitable.

How exactly will you benefit from them moving in?
Answer-you won't!

What's his rush? And what would he be doing about CoL rises if you didn't exist? It sounds like he's relying on you to save him financially and it's a really bad sign that he's been pushing for this for months already, way too soon.

Moving in together should be about wanting to be together all the time, building a life together, not just a way to save money and it sounds like money is his primary reason for wanting to do it now. I would just stick with 'I'm not ready' and see what happens, if he can't accept that and either gets arsey or keeps trying to push you then you have your answer.

He's right. You don't have a future. That's because the future he wants you to have is one that fills you with dread!

The price you would have to pay to keep him is high. Do you want to pay it?

You already know you would be miserable. Are you going to say ok yes bring on my unhappiness in my own home?

No don't do it!

1. You don't want to
2. Really unfair on your children
3. You will never get a minute's peace
4. His motives are hugely suspect - as well as saving on costs I think it's likely you'll end up doing all the washing, cooking and cleaning

Please don't do this to your children, even if you're willing to do it to yourself.

He doesn't even seem to be prioritising his own children. I can't imagine 3 teenagers wanting to move into a house with 2 younger children.
Only one winning here is him.

Thank you so much for this. You've worded it perfectly

He also flat out told you he's been trying to make you let them move in for months so he'll save money.

What did you think I'm worried about the cost of living means?

You've been together for 18 months and for"months and months" he's been pressuring you to move him and his kids in.

How long after seeing your bigger house did he start that?

This with bells on.

It sounds like he would benefit from all of this. What are the benefits for you?

I also agree that it's far too soon to be forcing this at 18 months. He should understand that you need to put your younger children first.

You need to let this one go.

Yes and also how will she be damaged if he moves in? They'll be absolutely no peace for her or her children. The house will be crowded, costs will rise massively and she'll probably end up having to stop working from home.

Then how does he benefit? He has built-in childcare, cleaner, cook. There is a massive financial benefit to him.

And how will her children benefit? They won't. Their lovely peaceful home will be taken over by three teenagers.

You also said he's been talking for "months and months" about all living together.

You've only been with him 18 months so WHEN did he first bring up the idea??

Why is there no future longterm if they don't live together skyeisthelimit? People can have committed relationships without sharing a home.