Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wants to move in and blend our families.

729 replies

torndawn · 24/09/2022 12:00

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:
iekanda · 24/09/2022 13:27

and it's nothing to do with not liking his kids. What an emotive manipulator he is.

DarceyG · 24/09/2022 13:27

RedToothBrush · 24/09/2022 13:16

  1. You don't want to do it
  2. You don't think its a good idea for your children
  3. His teenagers are hard work
  4. You've only been together 18 months
  5. He's putting a huge amount of pressure on you and making ultimatums to get what he wants
  6. The cost of living is driving this too much
  7. You have an autistic lad at the centre of this who needs additional attention
  8. You already are talking as if you think the household stuff will fall to you.

What benefits are there to this to you and your children.

Don't do it.

My friends boyfriend never wanted to live together, he liked his independence in the 3 years she’s been with him. Now, he’d like to move in and make their relationships more official. Erm, no he doesn’t want to pay the gas bill. Not very romantic is it?

dreamingbohemian · 24/09/2022 13:27

OP not a single person on this thread has said it's a good idea. That never happens on MN! That's how bad an idea it is.

Look at what this man does, not what he says.

He leaves his kids alone 10 days a month! Not because of work but just because he can and he wants to. That's really shitting parenting and a clear sign he is thinking about himself first and foremost, not anyone else.

The cheek of insisting you must take on his kids 24/7 when he can't even do it himself. I mean come on OP, wake up.

JustLyra · 24/09/2022 13:28

I'm lucky enough to not have to worry about the bills too much.

Has he brought up how much he intends to pay toward the bills?

I bet he hasn't...

Listen to your gut @torndawn - you have a big house, you are financially solid and he wants in on that hence him pushing while you are in the honeymoon stage.

Is his income anywhere near yours or is he starting to think about the fact that any child related top ups he gets are near coming to an end?

Don't do trial weekends - don't show him that if you say no to something all he has to do is badger you until you give in. A weekend won't give you a good picture anyway - weekends are (generally) more relaxed and less hassled anyway. It gives no clues how it'll be when there's people getting ready for work, school and college.

NiqueNique · 24/09/2022 13:28

I feel for you. Because I know you’re in a really shitty spot right now. Flowers

However, in your shoes I certainly wouldn’t be waiting for him to dump you because you’ve not jumped to his command.

You need to tell him no, absolutely not. It’s not right for you, it’s not right for your children.

That should be the end of the matter. If he pushes again, even one more time, then you really need to question whether this is a man you want to invite into your and your children’s lives, on any level. Big, huge red flag.

pinkyredrose · 24/09/2022 13:28

dreamingbohemian · 24/09/2022 13:27

OP not a single person on this thread has said it's a good idea. That never happens on MN! That's how bad an idea it is.

Look at what this man does, not what he says.

He leaves his kids alone 10 days a month! Not because of work but just because he can and he wants to. That's really shitting parenting and a clear sign he is thinking about himself first and foremost, not anyone else.

The cheek of insisting you must take on his kids 24/7 when he can't even do it himself. I mean come on OP, wake up.

Indeed!

djdkdkddkek · 24/09/2022 13:28

so what if it is about his kids - she’s not obligated to live with them

tbh OP you sound like you’re loved up and infatuated but he doesn’t have yours or your childrens best interests at heart
please don’t do not move him and I’m a stranger literally asking you to not do it to yourself or your kids. it will end badly.

TwowaystoUrmston · 24/09/2022 13:29

You know this isn't right/the best thing for your DC OP, that's enough of a reason right there. So even if you can squash all your other doubts there will always be that one sticking point. And there no way round it, your DC will gain nothing and lose an enormous amount if you do this, so you can't do it. It really is that simple and if he thinks you should go ahead and do something which will directly disadvantage your DC then he is neither a good parent nor a good person.

There's no reason whatsoever you two can't continue your relationship just as it is, surely if he loves and misses you so much he would be glad of whatever time he does get with you, not threatening 'no future' if you don't dance to his tune? Please tell us you can see how manipulative that is, it's as plain as the nose on your face.

Figgygal · 24/09/2022 13:29

Not after 18 months
Not into your home
Not under pressure
Not putting emotion over practicalities
If he cant appreciate your concerns then let him loose

whumpthereitis · 24/09/2022 13:31

You’re infatuated with him, he’s infatuated with what he believes he can get out of you.

Do not be a slave to your infatuation, OP. You owe it to yourself and your children to use your head.

PlanningTowns · 24/09/2022 13:33

In the words of Zammo…

just say no. No!
just say no, just say no…

dont listen, don’t listen to anyone else, all you gotta do is believe yourself.

comfortablyfrumpy · 24/09/2022 13:35

Gosh no, don't do it.

18 months is IMO to do this in any case - but I also thanks he stands to gain far more than you by blending. I would also worry about the emotional blackmail.

What will he say if you just say it is far too soon?

Sarahcoggles · 24/09/2022 13:35

It's ridiculous for him to say that if you don't want to live with his children then it's a non starter. Even he won't live with them for ever! If they were in their 20s, married and in their own homes, would he still use your lack of desire to live with them as a measure of your relationship?!

But anyway, the main issue is that you don't want to go from a quiet house of 3 to a loud house of 7, which is perfectly understandable. If he can't understand that then there is something very wrong with him.

Quartz2208 · 24/09/2022 13:35

All of your reasons though are centred around your partner and to a certain extent you and how it impacts you

Nothing about the 5 others involved whose lives would be changed by this at all. Blended families are not easy to make work and certainly not if you decide to jump in 18 months in and just expect everything will work

Even if you both wanted it it is is not about not wanting to live with his children - it is that for all 5 of them it is too fast, too much too soon and could have frankly horrific consequences for them

Rewis · 24/09/2022 13:35

I'm not sure how this benefits anybody unless he is expecting you to take care of the 17yo. Why not wait 2 years when all his kids are 18. That would be the most natural point to move in. I don't really see how his almost adults would want to love with smaller children and how your kids would benefit from living with loud teenagers.

Rachaelrachael · 24/09/2022 13:36

Absolutely no chance. Sounds like a complete nightmare for you and your children! If he really loves you he won't go anywhere. If he leaves over this you have dodged a bullet!

kamilarandon · 24/09/2022 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PatriciaPattersonGimlin · 24/09/2022 13:37

You will be a skivvy for him and his in a trice.

Wake up. This is a red flag the size of a tectonic plate OP. Say no. Say it politely but I bet he will fade from your life and you will know all you need to know from that alone.

dianthus101 · 24/09/2022 13:37

The 16 and 19 year old will not be in his house for much longer so stating that the relationship can't continue unless you are happy to live with them full time is ridiculous. Is he expecting the 17 year old to live with him full time forever however? If yes, then perhaps you do need to consider whether you want to stay in the relationship as I'm not sure whether living with him at any point in the future while your children are at home would be fair on them.

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 24/09/2022 13:40

No, don’t do it. It’s got disaster written all over it.

NoSquirrels · 24/09/2022 13:41

His youngest is 16. He’s really only got a few years to tough it out ‘being apart from you’ which it sounds like he isn’t much, anyway. (Btw, infatuation stage or not I would not be impressed by him saying his house with his 3 children in it ‘didn’t feel like a home’ without you - why do you make his house a home?)

He’s being unfair and unrealistic and if he’s willing to split up over this then that tells you a lot of what you need to know. It’s not you being selfish in this scenario.

GabriellaMontez · 24/09/2022 13:42

"This wouldn't be the best thing for my young children. You cant see this? if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

3 extra teenagers every weekend sounds horrific.

BackToNormalish · 24/09/2022 13:42

No way, no how.

My oh has two older teens and I have two teens and a preteen. We've been together of three years and still live separately. Blending of households is never going to happen.

DP and I get on brilliantly and he spends a lot of time at mine, where my kids are most of the time (and they really do adore him). However, my kids don't like his and vice versa and there's no way on earth I'd force them to give up their "safe haven" and have people they don't like invading it.

I also have my own place and am financially more secure than DP and he has never once pushed or tried to guilt me into changing things.

The fact that your DP is giving you ultimatums after just 18 months isn't acceptable. It's pushing you to make a huge compromise which will, in all likelihood, negatively impact you and your children. Tell him no and if he's not prepared to continue you the relationship, then it tells you all you need to know - he's not in it for the right reasons.

stepmumspacepodcast · 24/09/2022 13:43

Oh gosh! Just read the first line of your post.

You don't have to do it, AT ALL.

Blending families (i hate the word blending but that's a whole other thread!) is difficult enough in any circumstances but in yours i most certainly wouldn't.

Hard for you but listen to your gut xxx

myleftventricle · 24/09/2022 13:43

Ask him how he thinks his autistic son is going to cope with all the change when he currently barely leaves the house? That's not someone who copes well with change.
And your kids are going to have to cope with pandemonium 24-7.
And you won't get ANY peace.
It sounds to me (and the rest of Mumsnet) that the only one who gains is him.