He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Don’t do it!
Really ringing alarm bells that he’s so keen on it after only 18 months. That’s really really quick to uproot his children and move them in.

He wants to make his life easier - you’ll undoubtedly pick up housework/cooking etc for his DC if they move in.

If he was really thinking about the long term happiness of your relationship and his kids rather than his own convenience surely he’d be thinking it would be better to wait 3-5 years until his kids need him less, have finished exams etc and some may have moved out.

I put his youngest turning 18, I meant yours.

Even then I'd not want to live with him tbh.

Rereading your op about living for that peace working from home while yours are at school really rang true for me. I'm similar and just the childless man moving in I found a hard adjustment.

If you're someone who lives for those windows of peace and quiet then moving more people in is a hellish idea.

Definitely don't cave OP.

DH and I lived apart for 10+ years because I was not going to disrupt my children’s settled home life just because I’d fallen in love (albeit with a truly decent man). He never pushed me on it, just like he never presumed to get involved with how I and my children lived or the dynamics in our household.

We decided together quite early on that we would live separately until the children were grown adults and had been successfully launched into independent life. And we stuck to that even though it meant we couldn’t see each other as much as we would have liked.

It worked out brilliantly. There was never any stress or rancour or disagreement and although we spent time together at mine at weekends there was never any question that although he was my boyfriend and later, fiancé, he was still a guest in our space. My children loved him and still do, because he respected their right to their own space with me.

Turn it round on him.

Start telling him YOU see no longer term future for this relationship if he is unable to understand you have to put the needs of your young children above everything else.

Nooooooooooo

I don't like him at all. The threat of splitting up if he doesn't get his way isn't good either

I have a friend who was a single parent with 3 children. He met a woman with two children. They lived close by and had a long and happy relationship while the kids lived at home. When the kids grew up and moved out they then decided the time was right to marry and live together.
They did this because it was right for them and the kids.
I just wanted to show you that there are other ways to have a happy and committed relationship that doesn’t involve throwing everyone together.

Its way too soon, even in the best of circumstances 18 months is too quick to move 5 children in together full time. It’s a huge move that they have no say in, on that basis alone I’d be saying no. Do all of your kids get on well together? How much time have they spent together - moving in full time is something to be considered carefully, which you are doing, and needs to be taken at the pace of the slowest person in the household.

Too often couples move in together to ease the financial burden and find themselves stuck in a less than ideal situation. If you’re not fully on board, the answer is no.

I really REALLY could not do this & it would be a big no from me.

18months in my book is still quite new. I would want to leave it how it is & I know blended families are common but I know lots that live apart & keep the relationship going. It doesn’t have to be like this forever. I don’t think it would be fair on you or your DC. Why can’t you just both keep your own places & you could still have them all over but not live there. Plus, I think his driving force is finances, which is fine but I think you’re instinct is telling you this isn’t a good idea.

Another vote for 'hell to the no' - if he walks away over your decision then he wasn't that into you in the first place x

(All that to say, his assertion that because you want to safeguard your space with your children there’s automatically ‘no future’ to the relationship is absolutely incorrect. There could easily be a future. It says a lot about him that he’s setting out that ultimatum at this early stage. He has no right to demand to move in with you and your young children so early on in a relationship and saying that if you don’t let him he sees no future with you is blackmail and emotional manipulation. He’s showing you who he is. I wouldn’t stay with him, because I don’t believe he’s a good man.)

The only reason to move a bloke and his kids in to your kids home would solely be if it were to benefit your kids. That’s it. Boyfriend is prioritising his money and threatening you with himself as the prize. 🤢 why not just date him if you feel the need, and not drag all the kids in to your (plural) dating life?

I think the rush is is that we are very much in love, probably still that infatuation stage, but we hate being away from eachother. When he has to spend nights away from me he states that his house doesn't feel like a home.

I know it sounds financially motivated but we spoke about this before the cost of living crisis I think it's just given him another reason to let me know it makes sense 🙈 I'm lucky enough to not have to worry about the bills too much.

I'm making notes from all your comments then I can talk to him with all them down clearly

Don't do it. 18 months is too soon even if you are single, but you have FIVE children to consider. His financial problems are not yours to fix especially so early on.

If he keeps pushing you then he's not the right person. Keep separate houses but continue to date. If thats not good enough then ditch him. It has to feel good.

“Look after me and my kids or I’ll dump you” is basically what he’s saying. Charming.

Do not move in together. He will benefit massively, everyone else loses. Especially you.

If he wants to break up then that's a lucky escape.

The idea of being alone with that seventeen year old 24/7...

Big fat nope.

Has he given any reasons why it would be a good idea other than financial??

If he hasn’t shown that he has carefully considered the needs of each child individually at the current moment and over the years until they are living independently then he hasn’t thought about it enough.

At 18 months your kids probably barely know his kids. How could he know that it’s the best thing for all of them.

Do this at your peril

The thought fills me with dread.

This says it all - and because of that I definitely wouldn't be testing the waters at the weekend either yet. What you've got at the moment sounds like the perfect set up, especially as you've only been together 18 months and there are so many DC involved.

Do you think he is starting to be manipulative/reacting badly to your boundary of no - you mention a risk of losing him over this?

My older brother didn't move in with/marry his [now] wife until her older teenage children had all moved out and were settled - which meant waiting several years and them both keeping their own houses. They both agreed it was best, even though they wanted to move in together/would have saved a small fortune only maintaining one home - they've been happily married and living together for years now. Don't rush @torndawn if it doesn't feel right.

I would suggest being open to living together in the future but saying that you don't think it can work at the moment as having 5 children permanently under one roof is too much. Don't make it about his kids specifically say it's the thought of all 5 all the time. We have blended, but less children and 2 have homes elsewhere permanently (ours are older), one of mine, one of his live with us

*Do not move in together. He will benefit massively, everyone else loses. Especially you.

If he wants to break up then that's a lucky escape.*

This!

Just out of interest, how long was he single for before he met you?

(Waiting on OP saying two minutes).

Loads of people dont live together but arein ltr-ask him why its so important to him

you like your space your home the way it is fair enough

No.

I've got an autistic teenager. I wouldn't make someone else's children live with him. It wouldn't be fair on anyone.

It's a hard no. Your thoughts and feelings are the way they are for a reason, please listen.

Your children have so much growing, learning and developing still to do, they need their existing space to do that. I think it would be a disaster if you blended. You may have to accept that the relationship ends but do not compromise yours and your childrens living space.

No one falls in love faster than a bloke who wants to palm his kids off onto the next girlfriend 😄