He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

YY to everything JustLyra says. And starting a new thread is a great idea!

I'm wondering if people are feeling disquiet not about the fact that you asked for advice, obviously for you it's a new experience to have a new partner after divorce and many of us wonder "OK, what's the consensus on how to handle this?" I'm in that situation too and trying to figure out how to introduce my new partner to DC!

I think it's more the fact that you were very clear that your gut was screaming at you not to do this, but you still doubted your own feelings enough to need reassurance from everyone else, and still seem to be giving your partner more benefit of the doubt than I think he deserves. Your gut obviously has good instincts, we just want you to learn to trust it more :-)

That period after separating from a hideous partner ... we are so strong yet so vulnerable then. It can definitely be a dangerous time in terms of jumping into a new relationship (4 months is not very long to process the enormous pile of mental shit that abusive partners leave us with!). And your partner might not be a terrible, horrible person. He might just have some fucked-up boundaries and ideas about relationships himself, possibly without even realizing it. Maybe he's doing his best. But his best doesn't sound healthy for you and your DC at all, and you are absolutely right to put the 3 of you first.

Actually, there’s no ‘probably’ in that. You should have waited a lot longer.

You had no time at all to heal, to get over the trauma, no time at all to learn how to avoid it the next time, no time at all to work on yourself and your boundaries, no time at all to focus entirely on your children to ensure they had properly got over the break-up of their family and a huge change in their home life.

I’m not saying that to be harsh. It’s the truth and the truth, even when it’s harsh, is always best because that’s what will arm you and allow you to protect yourself.

OP, in your OP you barely touch the potential impact on your own kids, and what it would mean for them.

Outnumbered by 3 much older kids, sharing Mum, a step Dad, all this would have far more impact Inuit kids than his. I might be wrong but I think that councils do not allow fostering where the foster kids are older than the family kids, for these very reasons.

Have you even had all his kids at your house when yours are home? Been on any shared holidays all together? All these are the steps that would need to be taken very slowly before considering ‘blending’.

Far to soon to consider any such thing.

His kids will have all left home within 3 years. I would tell him that if your relationship is truly strong it will withstand waiting, and that if you love each other enough you will have the mutual respect and understanding to each do what is best or your kids. And that unless he understands that you must prioritise your own kids’ security and stability, he’s right: it isn’t going to work!!!!

I agree with the previous posts, but I'd like to suggest moving away from a victim/abuser framing. Neither of you were in a good place to start a relationship, both of you have reeled the other in, both looked to the other as 'the answer', each love-bombed the other.

Now you are diverging: he is continuing and intensifying on the same path; whereas you, wiser and stronger after your last relationship, are noticing something is amiss, and putting the brakes on.

Four months out of a horrifically abusive relationship is no time at all. If I were your friend I'd be suggesting you take time to re-establish links with friends, family, hobbies - a wide and varied social and support network for you and your children. Find out who you are when you're on your own, what you like to do, who you like to spend time with. Some high-quality therapy might be helpful in mulling things over and and working on how to form healthy relationships with good boundaries.

I'm a bit weird in that I don't ever get into a relationship unless my life is generally in a good place. If something difficult is going on in my life or in myself, then I know my decision-making is off, my motivations are skewed, even my perception of who the other person is won't be reliable. Does that make sense?

And just as a footnote to that, I honestly think you should pull back now from having him in your home around your children too much. Having heard more of the background to this, and seeing the timeline summarised above, IMO there was no way he should have met your children within 6 months of having met you. You hadn’t even known him for a year at the time and were straight out of an abusive/traumatic marriage. Had I been on your previous thread (and I may well have been) I would have strongly advised against introducing him to them before at least 18 months of getting to know him, and certainly not staying over at your home. Anything that was traumatic for you would have been traumatic for them too.

Perhaps think about a different model for your relationship with him going forward, until you’ve learnt to trust your instincts and got used to confidently asserting your boundaries without any doubt as to whether or not you’re allowed to set them.

All of the above said with kindness and not with any intent to make you feel sad or bad. However sometimes the truth is difficult to hear and the right kind of advice can hurt a bit. I still think you’re strong, resilient and will do right by your children. But be aware, that may become necessary sooner rather than later.

@Stravaig good point on the victim vs. abuser framing. Very wise.

And the rest is very good advice too.

Gosh yes I do recognise it was incredibly early. At the time I was so so hurt and didn't think I would ever trust another man.

When DP came into my life I pushed him away and said I couldn't. After all the book of life tells you it takes years to get over and heal from traumatic divorce.

I have a good set of friends, and at first I thought I'll have some fun, let my ego be stroked as such as one friend put it to pick me up. But then all these feelings got involved, I retracted again but then remember my friends saying what if you loose this and never meet anyone like this again. I know it sounds pathetic on paper but he really is my best friend, he's so kind, funny and caring, all my family and friends really like him. Anyway I allowed myself to be with him and were now here, albeit incredibly happy apart from this moving in issue which I do believe is partly my fault as I loved and needed him intensely at the beginning too.

We had our summer hols together this year with all the children and yes we probably eat together once a fortnight

I will definitely look into the freedom program

That's a great to do the freedom program OP, and I'd suggest individual counseling too. You deserve support after what you've been through.

I think the suggestion to move away from abused/victim framing may be a good one. But you do need to recognise that you have grown beyond his approach to the relationship, which is great for you and your kids! But don't let him drag you back into an unhealthy dynamic.

When DP came into my life I pushed him away and said I couldn't. After all the book of life tells you it takes years to get over and heal from traumatic divorce.

He should have respected and cared about you enough to walk away when you pushed him away and said (quite rightly) that you weren't ready just four months after leaving a damaging, toxic and abusive relationship.

I agree the freedom programme and maybe some counselling is a great idea to get some professional thoughts in a safe setting, as I appreciate it can be overwhelming on here sometimes.

Yes OP you're right that it's hard to tell the difference between love bombing and falling in love quickly.

Tbh you can't tell until you see how it all pans out. So in a couple of years if you're still deeply in love then it could be the latter. Great! Happy days.

The problem is if it's the former and you don't realise until too late because you've rushed into a situation that's difficult to reverse.

Gosh, four months.

Bless you, OP. You need to find a way to learn how to be comfortable on your own again. Until you do, any relationship, even a bad one, will feel preferable to the alternative. I think the freedom programme is an excellent idea.

He’s still pressuring you while you’re crying! Seems he wants it his way or the highway. Definitely too much pressure too soon.

OP I’ve probably posted more on this thread than I would have liked to, but just want to finish one more post.

One of my SILs came from a toxic relationship- she has kids with him. Total waster and he doesn’t see his kids now and hasn’t done for years.
A few years later she met a new bloke/ didn’t have a home, no stable job, worked cash in hand and smoked weed.
He moved in ,became a cock lodger and it was only after lots of fighting he eventually left with the stuff he came in- the clothes on his back.
She now has no ends of problems with her kids. If you want my honest opinion, I think SIL rushed into relationships too quickly, rather than concentrating on being a single mum.

It probably seems like your partner has been hard done by on this thread, you may think a lot of it unfairly.

Now giving the benefit of the doubt to your partner, let’s say he’s a genuine decent guy.
You need to sit down on your own and have a serious discussion with him.
Explain to him that you want to be with him ( if you really do that is) but you cannot move in together at the moment. You don’t know when and don’t want to put a time on it.
You have two young children who need and rely on you and they must always be your first priority. You don’t want to unsettle them , they deserve a safe, quiet home with stability.

Gauge his reactions. If he’s the sensible decent guy you say he is, then he should absolutely agree with you and respect what you’ve said. Him moving in with his children, is too much and simply not fair on anyone in the equation. He must come to realise this.

No one’s saying that you can not have a relationship with someone. Pretty much everyone on here has said you shouldn’t move in together, it’s too much for everyone and in the end everyone will be miserable- but ultimately it will be you and your two kids who will lose the most .

Trust me I’ve seen it with blended families, who’ve moved in too quickly with children of a certain age.

If he takes it personally, gets angry ,gives you emotional blackmail or just presses you further, then run for the hills. Now.

Just a thought Op, he has never lived with young children for a prolonged period. Not even his own.

By prolonged I mean day in, day our year after year. He hasn’t even live with his own that long. How do you actually know what he would be like with your children, when he lives there all the time. When the relationship has settled and you are out of the honeymoon phase. You haven’t had much time together because your kids have needed things doing or your kids are playing up, or your kids have got more comfortable and are cheeky to him. Or when he tries to impose his ‘tight ship’ parenting on them and your kids don’t like it or you don’t like it.

I am surprised he believes this is going to be great when he didn’t bring up his own children in the same way most parents do. That really suggests he hasn’t thought this through at all.

Parenting teens is very different to young kids. And at no point has he been a hands in parent.

This.

With bells on

Yes I’m sure you find them provocative

because they were advocating for your children

Hearthnhome makes good points. He has not patented his own children, really, and when he is doing that, he leaves them five days a week or thereabouts.

but the point I wanted to make, whether you come back or read it, I don’t know, is that it is really important not to blame yourself or think because you have gone along with the idea in the early stages, you need to go along with it now.

there is so much pressure in society to couple up, and it is often the first thing you hear after a break-up: ‘you will find someone better’. There is so much stigma still around being a single parent, that returning to a couple is the expected norm, whereas in reality, the norm should be society, friends, family taking care of the newly single parent, making sure they are okay, supporting them to find their feet and be comfortable on their own and with their DC, not cheer-leading them into the next relationship that comes along. Families come in all shapes and sizes. A family with one resident parent and children is no less a family than one which has an another adult partner. The narrative needs to change from friends and family from ‘you will meet someone else’ to ‘what do you need to be okay?’. And it is not too late to ask yourself that question - ‘what do you and your children need to be okay?’. That is your priority. And actually, you know part of the answer as it was in your first post. It’s not him and his DC moving in.

@Doingprettywellthanks A lot of posters have been advocating for the OP’s kids (as you have too) but you have been quite harsh with the OP. She’s come here for advice and she is listening so maybe bear that in mind.

I posted a while ago, saying don't let him move in, trust your gut.

Now knowing your timeline that you met him just 4 MONTHS after a toxic marriage I just wanted to give you a time line who has a successful blended family with children at very similar ages to the ones in this scenario.

*My friend 'A' breaks up with her husband (not a nice guy); their DC is 5.
*She is single for 2 years, working on her self esteem and confidence.
*She meets a new man 'B,' he has 3 DC who he loves dearly 15, 16 and 17.
*They both prioritise their DC. He has weekend access most of the time as they live 2 hours away. This trumps all activities with 'A' and her DC as he wants a good stable relationship with his DC
*After 4 years of the above arrangement they then decide to sell their homes and buy a new place together, they move in together after 5 years. His DC are living independently

They have both admitted that had DC not been involved it would have moved a lot quicker, however, both of them put their DC first as they were at a tricky age teenage / uni / college age. 'A's' DC is now a teenager but has known 'B' for a long time and treats him as a 2nd dad.

OP - You need to SLOW this relationship right down. The timeline on your situation is moving too quickly, particularly because of the number of DC involved but also the tricky ages they are all at.

I am hoping that your DP is a decent man, yet manipulators do have a knack of targeting people when they are at their lowest ebb (e.g. 4 months after they have got out of a toxic marriage). I am glad you will be taking the freedom programme

Statistically people who have been in an abusive relationship are far more likely to end up in another (or several) abusive relationships, because they haven’t worked on their own trauma which partially is responsible for allowing abuse to develop (for instance inner convictions that you “owe” your partner for loving you, helping you etc, that you need to deserve love or change yourself according to the desires of your partner).

If that’s still in a person’s subconsciousness the same dynamic is likely to continue if the new partner is even a little ready to become a user.

Another problem with victims of abuse is they don’t spot the red flags which to a secure person with a very healthy self esteem are visible a mile off.

Those red flags must have existed in your original relationship @torndawn , but you usually can only see them looking back and analysing things like pressure to change something, slight putdowns, praising you for not being an expensive date or favourably comparing you to other women who are mostly bitches, not like you (that’s any random examples plucked from the ceiling)

Your original bloke probably also seemed lovely, nobody is going into relationship which is outright abusive… you might be now good at spotting someone similar to your ex, but still unaware of different types of traps which a different type of man can set.

That’s all not to make you suspicious of every man or start finding fault where there isn’t one, but there’s been already enough alarm bells going for many in this thread just from reading your description. From my experience when someone comes into your life as a knight in shining armour or a saviour of any kind, beware.

If you haven’t been to therapy or at least haven’t read/listened to a few books/lectures on abusive relationships and how they develop, that rake you stepped on in the past hasn’t gone anywhere.

These are great points

Yes those are great points.

Referencing the last paragraph, that’s not weird at all! It might be unusual, but it’s not weird (which carries a negative undertone).

I’m the same. I don’t believe relationships should, or can, fix things for people.

I text telling him I loved and missed him before getting into bed, he's replied saying "I love you abit too much I think, need to grow up and recognise how lucky we are to have eachother"

That rings alarm bells for me, OP - it's excusing poor behaviour by saying it happened because he loved you too much. So whatever he does in future, if you don't like it, he could potentially trot out this excuse and you'll be disinclined to argue with it, because who doesn't want to be loved too much? I mean it's a lovely fairy tale, isn't it? Right up until he starts being jealous of your friends and keeping you from them, because he loves you so much he wants you all to yourself.

It can be very difficult to unpack behaviour through the spectrum of good > not good but just a bit misguided > bit manipulative --> OK, now we're starting to see abuse. I'm pleased you're considering the freedom programme, as that will really help you with that.

If he's just coming out of the RN he won't have had a 'normal' relationship in the sense that he won't know what it's like to live with someone day in, day out, for years. And maybe the timing was lucky, or maybe he's using that to reel you into this fairy tale. But I'd known my DP for a year before I dated him, dated him for 6 months before I met his child and after four years together, we still don't live together because of his child.(I don't have children myself). So the right person will wait for you. You don't have to snap men up just in case another one doesn't come along. And that head over heels, madly in love sensation isn't necessarily a true love that can take time to develop. It's more often infatuation and can turn into something much darker.

Sorry, strikethrough on that was accidental. I should have previewed it!

@NiqueNique Well spotted! & thank you ...