I have friends. My H doesn't have any. A night out was arranged this week, and it struck me much later that (1) my H gave me permission to go, and (2) that I actually felt grateful that he gave me permission. I hadn't realised this happened before now, and it's caused me to really examine my own feelings and reactions to him, and I've realised that when my friends arrange a night out, I dread telling my H and I put off mentioning it. When I do eventually tell him, my heart beats faster and I get a knot of tension in my stomach. His response is always to either frown and look angry and say 'Are you going?' in a really annoyed tone, or to pause and then say 'You can go if you want'. If the former, I then feel worried and chew on it for hours (and if I'm brave enough to ask why he's annoyed, he always denies that he is, but again in an annoyed tone, and then he's off with me for hours). But if he says I can go, I actually feel grateful and relieved.
There's so much wrong else in this relationship. It's a constant cycle of him alternating between being moody and being lovely. I'm on eggshells, then I'm relaxed, I'm on eggshells, then I'm relaxed: over and over and over, all depending on my H's mood. When he's stressed or busy, he takes his moods out on me – snapping at me and being horrible to me, banging about, slamming doors, loud irritated sighs, etc., but then denying it if I ask him what's wrong: "nothing" is his stock answer. And then I'm tense and worried. We've just had 4 days of him being angry about something that happened at work, and I've been tense and walking on eggshells for all that time. Then yesterday, he suddenly gave me a hug and told me he loved me (no apology: there's never an apology because he is never ever in the wrong, ever) and I was flooded with gratefulness and relief, and now he's back to being really nice again, relaxed and laughing and joking.
There are loads of other things: he's a compulsive liar, he regularly gives me me silent treatment, he refuses to discuss any issues, he's resentful and holds silent grudges for years, he messes with my stuff behind my back then pretends he hasn't. He's fussy and controlling. He's never wrong - if I mention an issue then he instantly denies it and turns it back on me so I end up confused and believing I'm the one in the wrong. We haven't had sex for 10 years, we don't hold hands or kiss, and there's only affection when he's going through a nice cycle. But when it IS a nice cycle - which is about half of the time - he's funny and good company and we get on so well, and I just love those times.
I recognise all this. I know this is a shit relationship. I've got a job, I earn (just about) enough to finance a solo life, we don't have children, I've got a lot of friends and people like me, I've got hobbies and interests. I'd be totally fine living alone, so I have literally no idea why I stay - apart from the times when he's lovely, and those feelings of floods of relief and gratefulness, and I just want to stay here with him in this relationship so strongly that I keep repeating this ridiculous cycle, and I just know if I left I'd miss him so much.
If this was a friend of mine telling me this I'd tell her to run for the hills. It's fucking ludicrous. Even typing this, I'm annoyed at how pathetic I am. So I googled this morning 'why do I feel grateful when my partner is nice to me' and ended up down this rabbit hole of abusive relationships and trauma bonding. Is that what this is??
I'm 55 and we've been together for 30 years.